I don’t want to go into to many details but make it long story short, I been married for 6 yrs I am 26 yrs and been through physical and mental abuse from him. I have one daughter he is like dhoop and chaoon kahbi bohat achaa ho jataa hai aur kabhi itna bora kai emergency room taak poonchaa detaa hai . Can’t complaint to anyone coz Mein nai love marriage Kari thee. In-laws are aware of his behavior but they don’t live with me they do want me to work things out with him. In 6 yr of marriage ake ahsaan us nai kara kai mujay independent bana diyaa kiyoon kai he worked only when he felt like it, So I had to jump in for survival. I study software engineering and now for past 5 yrs working as an oracle DBA.
His behavior is the same if I tell you guys that he , abused me physically for almost every other week of past 6 yrs don’t remember any night when he was not DRUNK, Smoked, had an affair and not been responsible . Now that he got his green card through me he still thinks that he needs to have 20,000.00 dollars to prove that he can do better then pizza delivery. I couldn’t get out of this mess for past 6 yrs so about 8 months ago made an excuse that I lost my job and have no money to survive he needs to be the provider now. He freaked out and told me to go back to my parents and stay there till he is stable. I said ok good idea! Left and started working again got my self an apartment and car and nanny for my daughter and I am happily living on my own suddenly he finds out. I gave him a doze of reality told him that he has to prove him self, Before he can get back with me. Suddenly he realized his all mistakes and asking me forgiveness meray paoon per sir rakh kar mafi mangnay kaiy liay tiyaar hai . He said that he thinks that he is been a jerk and really badly treated me but I should forgive him since us kai is behavior ki zimdaar SHARAB thee jo kai wo chorr chokaa hai and i should get back to live with him for happly ever after kind of situation.
I don’t want to go back to him anymore I want to file for divorce, Then I am thinking should I give him another chance to see he changed or not? He loves his daughter. What about her, am I taking away a father from her? For that is it ok to take all that abuse.....
Now it’s been 8 moths he went to Pakistan and coming back next week and asking me if I am not getting back to him then he will never come to USA. I am very soft heart person should I forgive him, Is he for real. Meri kuch samjh mein nahi aa raha hai … plz help me to decide…
nooo.. do not go back to him. he is a jerk and is going after ur money. u can give ur daughter a stable life with out his influence around her. if he can hit u , the time is not far that he will start abusing ur daughter as well. u had a love marriage, fine.. its not a bad thing. u made a choice, that choice turned out to be a bad one. its okay to make mistakes. but dont repeat the same mistake by going back to him. i dont know why u didnt think about kicking his behind out of the house when the first time he hit u woh bhi in a country like US, where u are protected by law and u have rights.
what kind of a father is he if he is always drunk and hits the mother of his daughter who he loves so much? u and ur daughter r better off with out him.
Do NOT let him back in your life. Remember the day when he asked you and HIS DAUGHTER to go stay with your parents! That right then proved he was a loser.
But, if you honestly believe that his re-entry will make YOUR life better then by all means let him in. I really can't see it given his alcohol addiction, wife-beating and womanizing while married. Those traits are very very hard to change.
When you dispense advice like that on a forum, you must be mindful of what you are spewing out. She said the husband loves the daughter. You should rephrase your advice by saying, “THERE IS A CHANCE,” and scrap “the time is not far.” You dont know for sure that he will abuse the daughter too. Everyone deserves a second chance. You said it yourself, " its okay to make mistakes"
To the thread starter:
You are not losing much by giving this guy a second chance for say…four months. And if he so much even lays a hand on you, you drop the MoFo.
I am gald PCG is at least asking questions before jumping on the bandwagon. By the way, she’s been married for only six years, so i am guessing the daughter couldn’t be anything more than 5 years old. The daughter doesnt know any better.
err.. if ur drunk enough to hit ur wife, who was also loved by him once, i think there are chances of him hitting his daughter too.
from the cases i have seen and read, the guy usually end up hitting the kids as well. she is lucky to have gotten away sooner as she did. Read the part where she said she has been to the hospital because of the abuse. how safe is the daughter with such a greedy alcoholic man?
^ With therapy and counseling, some guys come thru. Some guys don't.
One more question I have actually: In the past, when he has hit you, how does the scene usually transpire? Does he apologize, and if so, when? Does he end the episode by an apology and doing something to make up for it, or do you guys just pretend like it never happened, etc? Has he said to you during these times he's hit you that "I'm sorry, I wont let it ever happen again"?
I'm asking you this because if you want to know whether you should give him a second chance, it might help to look at whether he's asked for second chances before and whether he's lived up to them.
There is a world of a difference between saying “chances,” and “the time is not far.” You said it better the 2nd time. It’s obvious she is desperate, or else she would not be seeking advice on a guppy forum like this one. Please give her good advice, and if you can’t, then simply refrain. Marriage is not a child’s play, especially when children are involved. Simply quoting stats and reading up on cases dont give you any idea about the dynamics and personalities of the people involved in this affair. As far as i am concerned, we’ve only heard one side of the story. I would like to hear guy’s version too.
^ The guy is not asking us for advice. Nothing that Sumer has stated is out of this world or unbelievable. I can see it all happening. And trust me in this day and age a loser man is really not neeeded as a husband or a father. If she can survive without him for 8 months and actually living with a greater peace of mind, why should she accomodate a second chance to a proven convict?
I think our culture promotes too much on keeping failed marriages. This MUST change. I can see a point in compromising on minor issues but repeated physical abuse by a spouse is a very serious issue and should never be put up with.
i didnt think it was a competition about who is giving the better advice. no, marriage is not a child's play but abuse shouldn't be taken lightly either Especially when children are involved. their safety is vital as well. u think he would hit the mother after his daughter asleep? i doubt it. watching your mother being abused like that is a mental abuse in it self, even for a 5 year old. so he is indirectly abusing his own daughter in the process as well.
Just remember every time I was abused by him he always came back to me asking me for another chance , But now that I am even not sure us nai drink karna chor diya hai kai nahi he put all the blame to alcohol for his past behavior.. My father doesn't wana even hear his name.... my friends hate him for what he has done to me. ........ some time I think he has split personality issue coz if you meet with him the first time he is the sweetest person in entire universe no one can imagine what he put me through ... he would show that he takes care of me like my own father .... Month ago He went back to Pakistan and borrowed some money from his friends before he left he was living with his friends....I am thinking when he comes back he doesn't have place to live he would wana move in with me.....after all he does have to return the money and needs a roof over his head....
He called me 2 weeks ago where he put me on the speaker phone so every one in his family can listen to our conversation... he said that he is giving me 15 days to think either go back to him or leave him , If not then I should have divorce paper ready for him (my father threaten him to stay away from me ) he said tell your father to come see me now I m in Pakistan he started giving me threats that if my father go back he will have ppl to harm him.... .. .2 days ago called me and said he miss's me and he loves me and he can't imagine any one else in his life coz no gal can bare him..... I hung up on him....this is the way he always been... DHOOP CHANOON
I’d have to agree with most of the guppies here. Such people hardly ever change. I’ve seen and heard of such cases. They beg and cry, however, they go back to their same oldself.
It really depends on you if you are willing to give it another chance and God forbid if it goes bad, would you be able to get out again or would he not let you leave?
You may feel that you may be harming your daughter by keeping her away from her father; however, you may be doing her good by keeping her away from him. Domestic violence/disturbance often has bad effects on the kids.
Foremost, please do istikhara before making a decision (ie. if you believe in it).
Also, you should be the one making this decision and not your family, friends and elders. That is because they would most likely advise you to give it another shot and all will be well. On the contrary, only you would have an idea from past experience as to how it may turn out.
DOPE----- As far as I am concerned, we've only heard one side of the story. I would like to hear guy's version too.
I know it's hard to believe if you hear one side and heard to give advice... I have not gone into details coz if would you will get chills by hearing the pain and suffering.... what said is that i lived in USA and went through this. Most cases love marriages don’t work I put my best to prove the world that I didn't make any mistake I didn't even tell 10% of what I been through nor to you guys or my family believe me I am not here to gather any sympathy but just an advice what would you guys do if you were in this situation. I have wasted almost 7 yrs of my life only God knows what I have been through..........
Do what your gut feeling tells you to do - keeping emotions aside. Do not think of the daughter / father relationship. Do not think of the people-factor. Only think of yourself and him. You should know the answer.
funguy, I am somewhat against giving advice on GS on matters of this nature, unless it's a positive one. I have seen too many cases where you hear only one-side of the story. PCG posted a thread about this earlier. You can read it for yourself and see how premature it is to just jump the gun on these kind of issues.
I have some questions for sumer:
-If he is as bad as you claim he is, why did you stay with him for six years?
-Why did you not leave him, or get his green card canceled? (you claim he started abusing soon after the wedding vows were exchanged)?
-why did you make a baby with a "loser guy" and "proven convict"as funguy claims?
-someone pointed out earlier that these habits (drinking, smoking) are hard to kick. Since this was a "love-marriage" and you claim he strated drinking, smoking, cheating abusing, then you must have had some inkling of his true nature before you married him? I find it it hard to believe that he picked up all these bad habits right after the marriage
My original advice stands. Since you have given him by now almost 5,000 second chances in the span of six years, the 5001th one won't hurt much.
mein nai apni zindhgi mein kabhi koi bora kaam nahi kia nah hi kisi ko hurt kara nah hi kisi ka bora chaha even I still care for him and do want him to change his life for his parent sake .. coz he is the only son in the family he never supported the family due to his own issue's ...... he should realize this now coz he is 36 yrs old and should start thinking towards his future lakin mein kia karoon …Every time he has new idea’s about job about life and when that idea doesn't work he blames it on something and moves on to another idea......... unpredictable life he is living.
Correction: …the 5001th one won’t make a difference either
dope, The statements you have raised in form of questions that why did she live with him for six years, she knew him before marriage, why didn’t she cancel his green card, etc. goes to show that SHE DID GIVE HER BEST to make the marriage work. But what did he do other than constant beatings, drinking, womanizing and taking the easy way out by sending her and the daughter to her parents home and himself taking a vacation in Pak.