Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

Lifestyle Relationships
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I got married 7 months ago and we’re living with my in-laws in the same city as my parents. My hubby is a student at uni, and I’m studying/working from home. I’ve known my DH for nearly 6 years and alhamdullilah feel so lucky to have such a wonderful hubby and the love/trust between us is still amazing. There’s no actual problems BETWEEN us two, and practically every argument we’ve had has been due to external influences, though we’ve never lasted more than 12 hours being angry and mash’Allah always manage to make things fine between us. But there’s a pretty huge problem that’s getting bigger by the day and I’m scared it’ll drive us apart.

My in-laws are wonderful, they treat me with so much love and respect and I’m grateful for that. The problem is, I’ve always had this notion that I’d get married, we’ll have our own little love nest and gradually our little unit will get bigger. My in-laws house is huge, and they did this years ago with the thought that my hubby would live there with his wife and kids and everything would be perfect. I was aware of this before we got married, and DH did know that I wasn’t too thrilled but I did promise to be ok with it as I genuinely believed I could make it work. 7 months on and I’m hating not having my own house, not being able to feel totally comfortable where I live and I don’t consider it as my ‘home’. I tried to hide these feelings from DH as I knew it’d hurt him, but he realised pretty soon anyway so we talked about it. I know that my MIL and FIL are pretty great as far as in-laws go, they don’t get involved in our business, don’t force me to do any housework and never stop me seeing my parents. But the major problem me and DH are having is that he expects me to stay up late with him, watching movies and just generally spending quality time as we don’t get much ‘us’ time during the day, and still wake up early, make his parents breakfast and do most of the cooking and cleaning myself. This might sound trivial but it’s the same depressing start every morning - hubby realises its past 9am, pushes me off the bed and demands I go down and ‘help out’. I’d like to make it clear here that I don’t sit on my butt and do nothing everyday, I help out with the housework, sometimes make the whole salan myself, often times just perhaps cut the vegetables etc, try to make myself useful generally. But to him I’m not ‘looking after his parents’ and just being selfish. Also, most of the food my in-laws make, myself and hubby don’t personally like it but another problem is when I make something seperate for me and hubby, my MIL hates it and starts complaining the family system is dissolving etc and how everyone is living as tenants in the house. And yet she hates when she finds out me and DH ordered a takeaway despite knowing the fact that hubby does not like and never has liked a specific salan that she’s made, and I’m not too keen on it either. So it seems like we can’t win either way. It’s either eat the same as the rest of the family or stay hungry. She hates when we have breakfast at a different time to them. Also, she expects things to be done at the exact time she likes, so all the housework & cooking must be done by 12pm otherwise you can’t manage a household efficiently apparently.

A major problem is me communicating with them - I don’t have very good Urdu, having grown up speaking English with my family, so although I can speak it, I’m not that great at initiating or holding a conversation. This has led to them complaining that I’m too ‘cold’ and I don’t like them, and because I’ve always been a very reserved, shy person, I prefer spending most time on my own, though they hate this and complain I spend too much time in my room and am too quiet. The problem is amplified because MIL hardly ever says anything to me - she’ll tell my husband if there’s an issue and this I believe makes it worse as it makes it sound worse than it is to him. He then is expected to ‘talk’ to me and explain, clearly it frustrates him, making things tense between us.

These are not the only issues, its other little things like not being able to feel totally comfortable - I wear hijab and abaya when I go out, so when I’m at home I’d like to feel more free and be able to wear whatever I like and look good for my husband - he adores when I wear nice little dresses for him or wear makeup/do stuff to my hair. But living in this system I have to wear salwaar kameez, make sure my dupatta is always covering my chest, make sure its on my head if male relatives come around, have my hair tied at all times, and I personally would never feel comfortable wearing lots of makeup or jewellery here.
I always feel so tense and expected to make conversation when I’m with my in-laws and feel nervous. I hate and dread the mornings because they’re the worst and I often feel like crying.

Me and hubby did have a long conversation about how I’m feeling and he made me see from his point of view aswell - his father spent £££ on building this house for him and it’d break his heart if he just packed up and left. He’s very close to his mum and I know it’d kill him to have to leave her with no one to care for her. Though he did vaguely state we would leave one day, I’m not too sure when he meant and I’m too nervous to ask, but I think sometime after him finishing his studies and around the time we eventually insha’Allah have a baby (still 2 and a half years of uni left), but like I said this was not a definate.

This is really driving a wedge between us because he accuses me of not caring about his parents and just acting like a ‘typical’ wife. I got fed up and said that he is my priority and I’m not obliged to do anything for his parents etc but he just gets angry when he sees his mum doing some work and I’m not helping her.

I’m so confused and fed up :cry: I know we love each other so bloody much but I can’t keep living where I’m not happy. I do love my in-laws a lot, just not living with them :frowning:

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

holy macro
don't you have mom or a sis, you call and go on and on and on and on ... about your feelings (which you chicks call issues)
???

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

:bummer:

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

aahca
dude… hubby sy kaho… when things change you can have live-alone-type hang out with him,
Now you do stuff around the home and doing stuff with in laws, take tons of time.
For now you do power-hangout :blush: with hubby, what ever time you get.

Its kinda power-nap, thing for couples.

Also one thing is for sure you deprive your self of sleep, you both going to get cranky its not going to help any one.
So tell hubby in power-hangout time no watching tv/no internet , talking only, or little bit reading(small portions) and then talking about it.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

Few Q's:

1) Does you husband have a job? At this point, do you two make enough money to be able to get a separate apartment/house and support yourselves 100% financially?

2) Have you told your husband how you have a hard time staying up late with him and then getting up at 9:00 a.m. the next morning? What was his response to this?

3) Why on earth would you cook a dish just for you and your husband while living in a joint family? Why not make it for the entire family? Has you MIL told you that she doesn't like your cooking?

4) Since your husband doesn't like the food his mother makes.....exactly what did he eat BEFORE marriage? Did he have a habit of ordering take-out BEFORE the wedding too?

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

lol @Monk

@OP... It can be hard to stay with inlaws, but like u said there is onthing wrong with them or ur hubby, i would say stay with ur inlaws till ur hubby is done with his uni. By that time u might have different views on the situation, and if u still want to get ur own home just tell ur hubby that u have tried all that time.

What you could do aswell, (cuz of teh huge house) devide it in 2... Like a private department for you guys, but a comon diningroom and kitchen.... this way you can have ur privacy and ur hubby and his parents can stay together.

But all with all, i would say count ur blessings with wonderful inlaws n a loving hubby (ma shaa allah) :)

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

1) At the moment no, it wouldn't be possible to move out and support ourselves.
2) Yeah he knows, and he says it's fine I can go to sleep when I want to, but we just end up lying in bed talking until late anyway - I just can't help it.
3) Because me and hubby both prefer meat, and in-laws have mainly vegetables, and couldn't have meat everyday. They also stick to a strict salan and roti routine, I'm not used to that and I prefer cooking other things such a pasta, pizza etc which they don't like. Another thing hubby complains about is the fact that I take no interest in learning new recipes that his mum cooks - when I say that I know how to make what I would make for my family (i.e. me, him and our future kids) he gets angry and says that his parents like this food therefore I should learn to make it.
4) He simply didn't eat it - I remember getting so worried and angry at him before we got married when I would learn he would just stay hungry and not eat if there was nothing made at home. I used to promise him he'd never go hungry after we got married, but clearly it's still happening now because his mum doesn't like the fact that we make our own foods. Also, like previously mentioned, they have a rigid salan and roti routine, and there's no 3rd option, whereas I'm used to eating all types of different things - so it's upto us to stock the fridge/freezer with whatever we like, which doesn't happen that much as we don't get the time to go shopping as much.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

Hmm dividing it into 2 wouldn't solve anything - they already complain that I don't spend as much time with them and we act like there's 2 seperate families living in the house.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

cant you make 2 dishes?... my mom always makes 2 different dishes, cuz we all have different tastes. My brothers don't eat desi food, so mum makes them somethin they want (shoarma, pizza, pasta, meditarean, greek chinese etc etc) and the rest loves desi food.. even if there are some side dishes it can work out wel?

and i would say plan some days out with the full fam... a dinner outside perhaps? (to get everyone relaxed :))

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

that must be hard for you, and its not a trivial matter, these things build up and cause resentment, so its good your trying to deal with it an early stage. I think you should talk to your hubby and say u want separate accommodation rent if you cant afford to buy outright, but living in this situation will place undue stress on all the various relationships so its just choosing the lesser evil.

You should be able to feel comfortable in your own house, its only fair, as girls we leave behind everything to go and live with the men we marry, and if they can afford it the least they can do is ensure our comfort. Dont keep it in, and dont keep nagging him, let him know how you feel, and you dont owe them anything no matter how big the house is.

However, if was in your position, I would stick it out for a few years, who knows how long people have left and who will be here tomorrow, I lived on my own with my husband and I craved family dramas and just generally having company in the house no matter how bad! You are in a very difficult situation. Think it through and go with your gut feeling.

Good luck!

11

9AM???
Oh nooo :-(

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

  1. Ok well since you two don’t have the $$ to support yourselves financially, there’s no point in even bringing up the topic of moving out. Until your husband and/or you get a job that gives you enough money to support yourselves financially…as well as a baby…that’s when you can consider bringing this up.

  2. Since you admit that YOU are you the who “can’t help it” and end up having a conversation with him while lying in bed, then you can’t really blame your husband on not getting enough sleep. As his wife, you know he expects you to be up by 9:00 a.m. So its your responsibility to make sure you get to sleep on time so you’re not having trouble waking up the next morning.

I hate to break it to you but since you CHOSE to marry this man…his parents are also your family now (especially since you knew before marriage that he expected you to live in a joint family system and agreed to it). Did you honestly think that you would make separate food for yourself, him, and your kids while living in the same house!!! Would it hurt you in any way to learn a few recipes from you MIL? It will win you brownie points not only with your husband…but also from your MIL.

:cb: You make it sound like your husband was literally starving before he married you! The fact remains that he managed. His ENTIRE life…from birth until the day you two signed the nikah papers…somehow your husband ate enough food to survive. I can see why your in-laws are pissed off about this food situation. As soon as you move in, you’re making separate dishes for your husband and even ordering take-out…while he himself never did that. You mentioned things like pasta, pizza etc… Do you know how to cook ANY desi dishes (meat or veggie)?

Overall…yes, I think you’re being unreasonable. While I do understand your frustration with the little situations…I think the compromises your in-laws/husband are expecting you to make are very reasonable. You said yourself that you don’t have any major problems with your in-laws…so the little things like cooking and language barrier, they can be easily fixed if you put some effort into it.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

The problem I see is not with you not having your own place but that they are not compromising and adjusting to the fact another married couple are now living with them.

Since you did not make your wishes clear to your husband before you got married, I don't think you can expect them to be happy with a set-up that they had clearly envisioned for a long time.

I think it can work if they address your concerns. Your husband should be more conscious of your duties. You guys don't have to spend ages watching T.V. or whatever every single night, you also don't need to sleep at the same time. You can spend quality time together without completely tying your schedules together. I am saying this from experience because my husband and I have very different routines as well (I work, he studies and is a night owl).

MIL needs to realise another family is living in the house because that is essentially what it is. Some joint families can work with both doing everything together, others are better with a bit more space. As Paheli suggested, sometimes on the days where it would be nice if everyone ate together you can take whole responsibility for the meal. But his mother will need to accept this and be happy with it. Just as she needs to compromise on the housework routine... it can't be my way or the highway in these situations - people need to be willing to adjust to each other.

I don't know how big the house has become but if it can be arranged that you guys have your own bedroom/bathroom/living area which is private, I'm sure it will make things a lot better.

Anyway.... I think you should talk to your husband and see if everyone would be willing to make the situation better to allow you guys more freedom and space. If it still isn't working out then you can broach the situation of living separately. I mean, at some point, they probably will need taking care of, so it would be back to a similar situation anyway.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

^only problem I see here is your avatar EWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Its like an old sock was evolving .. but it could not make up her mind... so she got stuck between human and a plant.
Ewww I first time looked at it intentionally.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

:k: I think OP needs to win her MIL’s trust and respect first. Whether she likes it or not, her MIL has been living at that house probably for decades and has her own routine. I’m sure it’s also hard for the MIL to have another woman come in the house and change the way she has done things for YEARS.

I think it was a huge mistake for OP to cook separate food for herself/husband…and even order take-out. And that’s b/c clearly the husband never caused a big issue about him disliking his mother’s cooking. So all of a sudden, from MIL’s pespective, the OP comes in and within a few months, is doing things “her way”.

OP also hasn’t shown any interest in learning any recipes from the MIL, or even initiating little conversations in order to build a bond with her. I imagine all this is making the MIL even more defensive towards what she PERCEIVES to be a woman (ie. OP) trying to “dissolve” the way she has maintained her family for years.

OP also states that her husband is close to his mother and his parents (and him) always planned on him living with them. OP knew her husband for 6 YEARS before marriage. So given these details…I can see why her husband gets pissed off when she tells him things like she’s not obligated to do anything for his parents OR that she doesn’t doesn’t have any interest in learning any recipes from his mom etc. No matter how frustrated we wives get with our in-laws…we really should watch what words come out of our mouths towards our husbands about their parents.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

Agree with you Paheli - they both need to compromise. The thing is, we can advise the OP to do X Y Z but MIL needs to ease up too somehow. Half the problems would be solved if MILs in the first place were prepared that another woman is going to come in the house and to make space for her... whether that's letting her cook what she wants or whatever. You are not adopting a new child.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

There are more important things in life than these trivial issues.

Enjoy that you are surrounded by company and love and warm fresh food.

Again, wanna change places and do my laundry and dishes and ironing? I'll go sit in that home gladly.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

Is your husband an only child, since you have not mentioned any siblings?

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

My in-laws expected the food to be cooked, and kitchen to be cleaned by 10am even though they didn't wakeup till 11. However, they would complain if hubby and I didn't watch TV with them every night until 2am. Hence, it was very hard to juggle my sleep and responsibilities. I told my hubby straight up that I will cook before lunch time (they ate lunch at 2 or 3) but I will not wake up supper early to do so. However, I am a morning person so I would wake up early anyways and cook/clean. I also started going to bed early, which is good for you anyways. Our body is not designed to stay awake at night. It messes up our circadian rhythm.
I was used to wearing pjs at home but at inlaws I had to wear shalwar kameez. Hence, I bought lots of kurtis made with comfy fabric that I could wear over pjs or yoga pants. The clothes thing was the hardest for me. And I never found a good solution for it.
I know it is hard to cook something that they might not eat or like.. you just have to tell them that it is a new recipe you learned and you really want to try it out. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. I like butter chicken but they hate it so I never got to make it again :( But you could tell them that hubby requested you to make that dish. ALso, learn the recipes… just copy them. You don't have to make them, just tell hubby and MIL that MIL makes it way better than you. Even if you make them once or twice, whats the big deal? If your mom requested you to learn a recipe that she liked, WOuldnt you do the same for your parents? You need hubby's support. If my hubby wasn't on my side then idk how I would have survived living with inlaws.
I am sorry you have to deal with all of this. I know these little things can add up. I wish I had not suffered for a year and a half and spoken up sooner. But my patience made hubby support me. He saw that I was really trying and now wants to make me happy just the way I tried to make his parents happy.

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Re: Need advice - am I being unreasonable and unfair?

P.S. I agree with everyone else that you need to learn to compromise!!!