I have a an 8 month old, I am not burdening my parents to take care of him while I am at work. If you don't want to leave your daughters with your mother, you can always look into other options once you have a job.
Also, immigration takes its time too, once you submit the applications, no one will hand you guys his visa in a golden tray right away.
Finally, the only way your husband will take you seriously when he can see that you are not in UK vacationing.
........He changes his mind he breaks his promises and then says he only promised because I was upset or whatever what does he think this is. I'm fed up.upset.
Did you not agree to move to Pakistan once you get married and changed your mind later?
I didn't mind not saying it as we planned that I would come back oern next march. I would go back this Aug
To pak.and I didn't mind the few month's back there
Atkeast it was a step in the right direction.
I could get a job. I have 2 small children and I would never burden my mother with them all day. But I may actually apply for a job however I need to go bk on Aug so working now or not doesn't make a difference.
re: jobs. nadz...even graduates find it hard to get a good job yet you imply getting a job is so easy here in england. it's not.
even to call your husband over to the uk you would be required to work full-time earning over £18,000, you'd need 6 months pay-slips...and have enough savings etc. so if you want to call him over then you'd better get started asap on job hunting and creating a savings account. but it doesn't sound like you're serious otherwise you wouldn't be thinking of going back to pakistan in august!
you're going to have to accept that your destiny is really in pakistan. realistically, it doesn't seem like he will be willing to move to england. if he says it then it's just to please you. he's probably worried out of his mind on what he'll actually be able to do here esp' job wise! unless he is a professional in a field it will be very difficult for him to get a good job that will pay the mortgage etc. he's comfortable, secure and settled in pakistan. enjoy your 'holidays' here and go back to pakistan so the kids can see their dad. people think it's easy for the dad to be away from the kids...but it's not. it's hard on them. 5 months is a really long time to keep your kid's away from their dad.
Get two life sized dolls and stick a picture of yourself on one and send it him, and one of him on the other and keep that one. Sorted. I didn't mention kids because they don't seem to be given much notice in this international tug of war between you and your husband.
I do feel bad for you because you seem genuinely distressed by this but really until you take control and are willing to be proactive in the situation then I don't see how anything will change and you'll forever be running in a cycle of discontent. Really do you want to look back in 40 years time and see how you did nothing at all to help yourself and your family.
i think you should get a job and get started for your husbands visa process. in the long run having a british passport will help him career wise, even if he chooses to go back to pakistan later on. he can have amazing job opportunities in pak and have a comfortable living. its a win win for him. i don't see how he doesnt see it this way. you have your family to support you if you choose to work. I'm not saying that you should dump your kids with your mum and just start working; you can find a way to repay your parents if they look after your kids for you. the way my sis did it when she had a baby and a challenging career, she used to get my mother to baby sit her baby for her and she would take care of my parents financially since they were struggling. she would also take them out to eat and other places she knew my parents wanted to go etc etc. it worked out well for both parties in the end.
if you aren't going to work and are just looking for a "break" from how things are in pakistan , then i think this was a bad idea. 5 months vacation from being a wife doesnt sound like a good idea to me at all. if you aren't going to make use of your time, then it was best to just stay in pakistan. your husband will miss you dearly and his kids too.
None of you are behaving like adults here. Two kids and your life is not even planned on where to live, let alone anything else like savings, jobs etc. Both of you are to blame for this.
Why would you be going back in August? Look for a job and start his visa process. If he is missing his family he can have a visit visa to UK (? don't know if its possible once his immigration process starts) or wait for his immigration.
If this is not possible then you have to suck it up.
OP, why are you ranting about your husband changing his mind, have you no changed your mind about not living in Pak?
will your husband not thinking the same about you that you change your mind and not honouring your commitment?
if he doesnt want to move to UK and live with his parents in Pak then this is perfectly okay. he is not behaving abnormal or out of the norm. sorry if you mind it but in this case you are behaving abnormally by not standing by your commitment of living in Pakistan for good. and even then your husband has not made any drama about you going to UK for 5 months time, this shows he respects your wish to be with your parents even though it is for such a long period.
also if he made it very clear to you that he is not interested to settle in UK then he is coming clean.
he doesn't want to leave his parents. fine. because this is the norm that girls move in to their husbands homes and not the other way round. if you didnt want to move in into his home in Pakistan then you should have not opted to marry him.
now coming to the current scenario, if you really want to work this out for your relationship and for your kids, you can go back to Pakistan for good.
you can work in Pakistan as well if you want to
there are many many good schools in Pak where you can send your kids to
if you cant tolerate to live in the same house as your MIL then you can talk about the possibility of building a small separate portino for urself in the same house if it is a independent house.
if it is a flat then you can buy or rent out another flat in the same apartment project so your husband can be near his parents and you too have your own space.
dear all issues and matters can be resolved if one shows flexibility and think logically. good luck.
Sorry to keep harping on about it, but YOU AGREED TO LIVE IN PAKISTAN after marriage... so I don't know why you're talking about immigration, or what the issue is?
He never wanted to move to the UK, so in my opinion it's you that's causing any friction. I guess you should be grateful he never married you for your passport.
If you never wanted to live in Pakistan, you should not have married him in the first place.
I can really understand where you are coming from ! unfortunately aisay logoan ka koi ilaaj nahin hai and there is nothing that convinces them. If they sacrifice their kids' future for sake of keeping parents happy,they will always continue to do so ! you either will need to compromise on your wishes or see if standing for your decisions is worthy enough.
Your kids are very young for now, their schooling shouldn't be a huge issue right now. Your mother in law is an academic herself and besides I believe there's a rumour that you have higher education too. So with good part time home tutoring, your kids could actually end up having better education than kids in he UK who get no support from home whatsoever.
I can tell you that a good private education in Pakistan in many ways is academically superior than education received in most of UK's state schools.
Half of your problems are solvable if you can somehow manage to curb your brown sahib complex and get rid of all the prejudices you hold against Pakistan. Have an open mind and see where it leads you.
re: jobs. nadz...even graduates find it hard to get a good job yet you imply getting a job is so easy here in england. it's not.
even to call your husband over to the uk you would be required to work full-time earning over £18,000, you'd need 6 months pay-slips...and have enough savings etc. so if you want to call him over then you'd better get started asap on job hunting and creating a savings account..
^ this. So you do know that when you eventually move back to the UK permanently , you still have to go a year or two w/o your husband. It will take you some time to find a job with the specific pay, work for a minimum 6 months to get the required pay slips, work a few more month to have some savings. The apply for the visa and wait a few more months till you actually get a visa.
If this was your permanent move, you would have to "burden" your mom anyways with your kids.
If you work these 5 months, you can have some savings. Even if it is part time.
I wonder how you afford a 5 month holiday ? Air tickets, cost of living in UK with 2 kids etc etc with only one salary? Do you parents pay for your expenses while you are there??
Re jobs, frankly I don’t know where you are from in England but its next to impossible to find decent paying jobs in UK right now and that’s for British nationals, so to make it sound as if you have a million lined up is pretty ignorant of the situation, secondly even with the low pay ones after tax you’d need to save pretty much 70% to have any chance of making it work. As for your husband, unless he’s a doctor or a businessman or a top Uni student graduate, a chance for him to get a job here for a Pakistani national is very very low.
Which makes Pakistan the only realistic option. Which you agreed to btw before your marriage, the cards were laid out beforehand, so there is no excuse right now.
I dislike momma’s boys who can’t live without their mummies and grow up but that’s not the case here, he said this before marriage and you knew this would happen, hence he’s not at fault. However also time and time again I see and hear about women too (some even in my extended family) marrying without even considering the consequences. All they see is the glitz and glamour of shaadis and all they care about is OMGZZZZ IMA MARRY OOO THE DRESS THE MENDHI bla bla bla. And when the REAL hard work starts, well* this *happens
Which means frankly without sounding rude, its your husband who should be making threads, not you
I’ve seen this happen quite a few times too. Whether its living in a certain location, living with joint family, wife working after marriage etc…plenty of times women are told clearly before marriage what the man expects from his wife. They agree to the conditions and marry him…and then act surprised after marriage that the husband isn’t changing his mind. And of course, at that time the man becomes the bad guy for sticking to the conditions he laid out BEFORE the nikah papers were signed.
