My Party Hardy Friend

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I know this girl who I ran into on Facebook a while back. She started messaging me because she is new in Chicago and doesnt have any friends. I talked to her, got to know her a little bit and found out she is from India and came to US after she got married about 3 or 4 years back. She lives here with her husband and also has a 2.5 year old son now Mashallah. Overall, the picture seems pretty sweet. I met up with her a couple of times for lunch and even met her family. Her husband is very nice and the baby is a doll, Mashallah.

The more I got to know her, it started to become a little strange to me. She ALWAYS wants to go clubbing! I think she has this vision of the ABCDs here of being complete party-heads and drinkers.

My nani passed away about a month ago and I was really devastated. The day before we were all at the hospice with my nani and my friend kept calling and calling because there was a Bally Sagoo party she wanted to go to. I explained to her that it doesnt seem likely that I’ll go because my grandmother is in serious condition and the entire family has been requested to stay close by. She didnt say much but I could tell she was really upset. THat night my nani was gone. SHe called for condolences and came to the Janaza and Quran Khatam as well…that was nice of her.

She left me alone for a little bit because I wasnt a very happy camper after losing someone so close to me. Then, my birthday came around a few days ago and she starts again. Lets go party, lets go party, lets go party. I have no idea WHY I did this but I said I would try to make it out with her Friday night, which was last night. :smack: I couldnt cuz my colleagues threw me a party for my birthday (very sweet of them). I didnt want to deal with her so I switched my phone off. She left me three messages. Im horrible, I know. :teary2:

The problem is, my lifestyle doesnt include partying. I like doing mellow things like dinner in a very nice restaurant (I love trying amazing restaurants - there are a TON in Chicago), movies, shopping trips, get togethers, family things, being home, etc. Clubbing doesnt excite me, never has. Who wants to get ogled by sleezy looking men? Getting dressed up and having an awesome evening downtown excites me. She also drinks and thinks its okay to do so…I dont. She seems to think Ive got this wild crazy circle of friends who go out and let loose every weekend…I dont. I have a total of 3 best friends and they are all conservative Muslims. My friend would be severely disappointed if she met them. :CareBear:

I dont know what to do. Sit down, talk to her and tell her its time to grow up? Ive already counseled her on going back to school, getting a hobby, increasing her activities, taking some extra classes on the weekends, getting a job, etc. Or should I just stop talking to her altogether? Our lifestyles are so different! She is from India and is SOOOO liberal its amazing! Her husband is super conservative - I have no idea how that is working out but its a whole different topic. :konfused:

2

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

sho weeh! run for your life! be plain and honest, its hard to do, but break it to her gently. Say you like her company but you're not into partying, clubbing etc. and are uncomfortable with it. She will find other people like her.

3

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

just tell her straight that you don't enjoy clubbing and partying and that you would appreciate it if she stopped asking you to go out with her.

if you do want to continue being her friend, tell her what you and your friends do like doing and that you would be happy to go to dinner/see a movie/whatevs with her. maybe invite her out when you and your friends go out. then it's up to her to decide if she actually wants a friendship with you or whether she's just looking for a partying buddy.

4

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

Dont just stop talking to her.
But be honest, tell her everysingle u wrote here. Tell her that u r a conservative muslims/ practising muslim, and clubbing partying doesnt sound reasonable to you.

And keep onething in mind, if she understands ur point then its all good, but if she doesnt, then she is not a friend, she just needs a company to hang out at culbs and bars.

PPP, PML-N set for talks on caretaker setup
5

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

Why does she have the idea that you and your friends party hard to begin with??

6

And how does her husband let her go clubbing if he's conservative...Does she lie to him. And she leaves the baby home while she's out drinking?

I never had anything against partying/clubbing once in a while. But once you're married and have a child you cant neglect your baby just to go clubbing.

PPP, PML-N set for talks on caretaker setup
7

Honestly Adra, I dont know. Ive never told her I go out because I dont.

She once told me that when she was getting married she was really excited about coming to America because she thought people here partied all the time but when she got here she was so disappointed.

I was really confused and tried to explain that Pakistanis here dont really go out all that much. We have lives and most of us are either married or getting married.

8

Maverick, its wierd. She fights with him and he takes her sometimes or she will leave him and the baby at home to go out.

9

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

:) Bad Company...!

10

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

Break away from this situation ASAP. You have absolutely nothing to gain and everything to lose. A mother who fights with her hubby to go out partying.....and drinks....Uh Uh she does not sound right at all.

You seem to feel obligated for some reason...perhaps you are too nice to say no....this is one of those situations its quite Ok to turn her down. Ignore her calls and hope she will get the hint and leech onto someone else.

11

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

^^ Actually to be honest she sounds like a nice girl who just wants to have fun.

PS make it clear to her that you do **not **like clubbing or heavy partying. If she is your real friend then she will understand. If she gets offended and stops talking to you then good riddens!

12

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

I can understand where she's coming from. After all, she was probably raised in a conservative family in India where she didnt have the liberty of going out and having a couple drinks and whatnot. Now that she's here, she just wants to finally go out, explore, and enjoy her newfound independence. Nothing wrong with that.

Obviously she does have the wrong notion of everyone here loving the nightlife and whatnot... thats mostly true for the younger college going crowd.. but not so much for desis. Let her know you wouldnt mind being her friend and doing things that are a little bit toned down as clubbing and stuff compromises your principles/beliefs/whatever... but that there are plenty of others that she can find who do share the same love of partying hard. Do you like hookah bars or go there? Maybe that's something fun and not so crazy that you both could do together?

13

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

I feel kinda bad for her, like riya said, maybe she had these visions of life in america. of course not everyone will fit that, she can definitely find that type of stuff amongst the desi college crowd but wud definitely feel out of place cz shes marreid and has a kid.. maybe she can find a group of women like her, older with families but just like to relax once in a while?

14

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

Psquare....u reminded me of one of my friend....she is really nice and as i dont make friend really quickly (though i am very social person but i believe hota nahi dost haar haat melane wala) This girl is also from india and exactly the type you described....she would invite me to the parties she would throw or ask me to go out with her for clubbing but as i hate going to clubs and i also dont go in mix gatherings....

i had to make it clear to her that y i dont go to those kinda parties so one day i sat down with her and brought up this topic and started telling her about my limitations and my principles....she is a nice person and she understood though she still thinks how can i enjoy a party without pangaras/dance, without guys and drinks.... but thats the way i like ma parties :D

btw is she also muslim? my friend is hindu. I have seen indian muslims who are either to the extrem or dont follow islam at all...havent seen anyone who is normal :S
NO OFFENSE TO OUR INDIAN MUSLIMS FELLOWS*

15

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

PS i think she watchs indian dramas in which they mostly show how american indians do parties

u need to break it to her that its only happens in dramas not in real life....

Master Tara Singh and Division of Punjab
16

Riya, its interesting you say that. I would have thought the same thing and did until she was showing me pictures one day of her family and things she did in India. I guess I just grew up differently? She told me she had no limitations growing up, used to live in Delhi alone after she got done with school, worked, used to go out every night to parties, booze it up (her words), date, etc. Here, she says she has no independance because she is dependant on hubby for everything. Thats okay because her hubby is pretty nice I guess. But she was used to a different lifestyle. She confessed once that she married him because she thought America would be so much more fun and wild. Her inlaws dont like her lifestyle either...they make a big deal of it when they come to visit.

I think Im going to talk to her directly and see what she says. Ive never been to a hookah bar before. I know, I feel so prudish! I guess we could try that together if she doesnt mind that sort of a thing. :)

17

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

^ I thought the hookah places got closed in Chicago due to some general city ordinance?

Anyways if they arent, just goto Na'ar hookah or Samah, lots of desi girls go there (without any guys) and feel comfortable and the people there are generally nice. If you take her there, I'm sure she'll enjoy it (na'ar had live music too, and a PG-13 dance floor), and there wont be any sleazy guys around like in bars/pubs so you have nothing to worry about.

18

Re: My Party Hardy Friend

Psquared, Samah is awesome! i promise you, you won't be disappointed! we went there to celebrate my best friend's civil wedding ceremony.

its all very comfortable, and private, the food is amazing, and so is the atmostphere. and its a great place to go as a couple too- so maybe both your husbands can join in, if they can find a sitter for the baby.
its not at all in your face with half naked belly dancers shimmying everywhere- its just a very chill place. i think you would really enjoy it and it might introduce her to a different kind of partying that doesn't involve thumping bass and mini skirts.

19

Relax? By ditching her kid and husband, and go out boozin and what not? That's pretty outrageous...

20

Hmmm...why do you feel prudish? You are who you are, and she is who she is. Simply tell her you're not interested in doing stupid things...let her think you to be a prude or whatnot, but you have your values and principles and you should never shy away from them for fear of what others think. And it's a-okay to doggedly stick to those principles...if she's not willing to tone it down for you, then move on...plenty of people out there to be friends with!

I knew a similar kind of person. She lived in an apartment sponsored by a Muslim charity, had a conservative family, but dated, drank, and the whole nine yards. I dunno...I found that rather scummy...her life is being subsidized by religious people, and here she is doing all of that without any qualms...blah...

sandal/shoe problem