My friends dark past...

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Anyone seen the video Gham-e-Dil by Naveed Thani its available on www.muziq.net, my friend has a striking resemblence with the (first) girl in the black and white suit who drops her gift at the birthday party (just so you can have a picture to go with the story). :flower1:

In the video, when the girl looks at the candle in the beginning and and pulls the curtain back to look out the window, it reminds me of her pain, her expression, and I was at a loss for words. sigh

Thanks for the reply’s everyone, really appreciate it. :hug:

42

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Umer: *

Lajawab, when I read your reply first, I was absolutely speechless. I could not believe that such views like yours do really exist among rational, educated humans.

[/QUOTE]

Ditto

UKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (sorry had to let that out)

43

ever heard of this

**
innocent until proven guilty
**

is this girl in any position to prove all this? if she can then why not go in a court and file a case against him. drag his sorry behind to the court and get the justice. this will give her some peace. but remember law doesn't work based on emotions and feelings.

i agree with lajawab. forgiving is the only best option for her. if she can't forgive then tough luck. its a rough tough life. live with it. remember it everyday and torture yourself. that guy will remain as he is.

44

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Umer: *

Lajawab, when I read your reply first, I was absolutely speechless. I could not believe that such views like yours do really exist among rational, educated humans.

Going by your logic, every criminal should be forgiven and not punished, if he grows a beard, starts praying 5 times a day and appears to be a "good Muslim". And molesting a child is the biggest crime one can commit IMHO, even bigger than murder.
[/QUOTE]

and do you have anything better to suggest? remember., in either case, you have no personal gains or losses. she will suffer the cosequences of whatever advice she'll follow.

now out with it if you have something better to advice. i'm all ears.

45

SHE will suffer the consequences of HER decision???? What about the decisions she never got to make - like keeping her body for her husband? Or having an innocent respect for herself and her body? Instead, she has to view her body as though it somehow betrayed her - even though it was her own uncle who did so.

Zain, Lajawab - what are you thinking? Let us suppose that when you were young boys an uncle touched you, not once, not twice, but repeatedly. Let us say that you were fondled by a relative, an elder, someone you trusted to guide you - not defile you. Then what? You wouldn't tell would you? Wouldn't feel like you were somehow to blame (even though this is NOT to be blamed on the victim) You would feel shame for somehow being less of a man? Put yourself in this child's shoes - unless, however, you would rather align yourself with pedophiles for some reason.

For the sake of his daughter's, she needs to do something, even if it simply to seek a professional opinion to get a better grip on this - you say no one sees him lay a hand on the daughters, but no one saw him touch her, either.

In America, when people learn of my heritage, there are always the inevitable questions from close American girl friends - do the men really beat the women? Do the men really blame the women for their own rape? Are women really killed by their families for being raped? Stupid ignorant questions, but after a while, after knowing my family, they know this is craziness. Zain and Lajawab would certainly be the type of Pakis that CNN would love to interview to continue this type of filthy stereotype.

46

she realllllllllllly deeply needs to understand that it is not her FAULT that this happened to her, not it is her fault that someone violated her, and this DOES NOT MAKE HER DIRTY IT MAKES THE MAN WHO DID IT DIRTYYYY.. she is as pure as she was because she didnt want this to happen t o her.. im sure her mother will understand this… but before she makes her mother understand this.. he truly needs to believe this herselfff

47

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by ZaiN_12345: *

and do you have anything better to suggest? remember., in either case, you have no personal gains or losses. she will suffer the cosequences of whatever advice she'll follow.

now out with it if you have something better to advice. i'm all ears.
[/QUOTE]

what consequences? I mean, what good will it do if she keeps shut about it? If she speaks up atleast people would keep their daughters a 100 miles away from the bloody dog. She was molested by the freak. There needs to be a way to let the man suffer the consequences of his wrong doing.

48

Zain, the only “evidence” this girl has are her memories and psychological trauma. It’s too bad the girl, when in her childhood, didn’t make a movie of what her uncle did to her … all for “evidence”.

Anyway, anahndi :k:

49

alot of others have given great advice and the same that I would give...

Ifeel for your friend. Please let her know that she is not alone. The amount of muslim/desi girls molested by relatives and maulanas is staggering and NO different than what's happening in the western families/countries.

Knowing our society and culture, it may be too much for the girl to handle telling her parents and extending family right now, if ever. I certainly don't think she needs/has to do that for her own emotional health or to have a loving relationship later on.

The girl's priorty is improving her own sense of self and understanding that this isn't her fault OR that she isn't bad because she allowed this to happend. Let her take one step at a time and realize that there is no "must" or "have" to do. The prority is getting counseling and figuring out with her counselor what the best route is. I know many people who fear counselors but I have foudn that many of them are extermly understanding and willing to accept cultural issues and choices, just make sure she picks a good one.

She doesn't have to tell her parents. SHE should do what she feels best about and that helps her resolve her own issues. However, it is important to make sure that he doesn't do the same thing again or to another girl. Most molestors don't have just one victim and I know of enough maulana molestors that the guy going religious may just be a cover, it certainly doesn't mean he hasn't moved on to another girl. So perhaps she could find out from other cousins or hint around and get the word out? THere was a maulana in pakistan who molested a bunch of girls UNTIL one of the older girls warned the younger ones and one of the mouthy younger ones told him to stop,.....he did.

50

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by ZaiN_12345: *
ever heard of this

**
innocent until proven guilty
**

is this girl in any position to prove all this? if she can then why not go in a court and file a case against him. drag his sorry behind to the court and get the justice. this will give her some peace. but remember law doesn't work based on emotions and feelings.

i agree with lajawab. forgiving is the only best option for her. if she can't forgive then tough luck. its a rough tough life. live with it. remember it everyday and torture yourself. that guy will remain as he is.
[/QUOTE]

and what has she to prove? That some idiot sexually abused her...family doesn't need proof..who's talking about court...we'retalking family, friends, relatives, let them know atleast...will be saving other lil gals from his dirty hands...

that guy will remain as he is

EXACTLY..u said it urself...hence he must be punished..either by shame or scorn...punishment must come...people need to know there's a guy like him lurking around with their kids...

You men disgust me..all of you..the whole lot who's tellin this lady to keep her wounds inside...

51

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by amelie: *
THere was a maulana in pakistan who molested a bunch of girls UNTIL one of the older girls warned the younger ones and one of the mouthy younger ones told him to stop,.....he did.
[/QUOTE]

What proof do you have he has stopped? He maybe having his fun with strangers kids now...

You knwo I agree on the telling teh family part..it's not always teh best thing..BUT..they SHOULD know...this man shouldn't be allowed in their home...and atleast now they'll realise why she wouldn't want to be in teh same room as the man...they may not take any action at all..but atleast they know in the back of their minds.

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In an authentic Hadith, during the times when the Kuffar were fighting the Muslims, during battles many times the Kuffar would come under the sword of the Muslims… The Ashaba-e-Karaam would put the sword at the necks of the enemy and the enemy at that moment would shout that he has become a Muslim…Some Ashaba-e-Karaam in their zeal would still go ahead and still kill those Kuffar…

When the news reached the ears of the Holy Prophet :saw:, it was one of the very few times that the Prophet :saw: became furious…He forbid the practice immediately and said, “only Allah :swt: knows what is in the hearts…”…Meaning, once the Kuffar has said he has become Muslim, no one has the right to judge him, even if the Kafir is lying…Once he has declared he is a Muslim and laid down his arms, he is not to be touched…

That is the message of Islam…You give everyone the benefit of the doubt…Innocent until proven guilty…This is not American law we are talking about where a person’s deepest darkest secrets are scrounged open for the world to see…We are talking about a person’s honor here, not what the person remembers of what happened…At least something here can be salvaged that is the girl’s honor…

If we were to bring him out in the open, would that get rid of her memories? Absolutely not…In fact it will haunt her even more now that others know about it…And if wind of this incident gets out to others, it may well break the whole family apart…In your quest for justice and revenge, are you even thinking about how many problems it will create in the future? The whole family will break up and repurcussions would last generations…But you don’t care for that, you want blood…

As for the guy, stop judging him…We hear clearly from the account that the person has repented, but you want to implement western values on a person’s life ahead…If you are thinking of one girl here, and in your rush and anger to extract revenge you forget about the three girls the molester has? Are they innocent to you? Since you all are so imbibed with the sense of ‘psychology’, do you have any idea what it will do to the psyches of those three innocent girls? They will be devastated…

So you think he MIGHT molest someone else, which is a close minded western approach and not giving the guy the benefit of the doubt…What if he MIGHT have repented? What if he has and is truly sorry for what happened, you still want to drag him out in front of everyone? This will destroy many families and will not help the girl any, and if at all, is liable to be very harmful to her…

Despite all these 'molestation’charges in America and the west, this sickness pervades…I have read instances where the parents themselves were sexually abusing their children…What you gonna do then…Stop them having children?

And who’s to know, what if the molester in this case decides to say, 'heck, I am already singled out…I’ll do more…"

And as far as the account goes, I don’t see a intercourse happening…It wasn’t rape and sex never happened…So what crime would the man be facing and what punishment?

The best solution I can find is that the girl should approach this uncle face to face and talk to him if he has truly repented…If she is strong enough to bring this out in the open, she should be strong enough to first talk to this person…If the man apologises, well and good, if not, she can always choose to ruin the peace of her family…She can either choose to accept it as the weakness and stupidity of someone and forgive him, or bring it out in the open to be discussed for generations within the family…If she decides to pursue the matter in the open, it would only add insult to injury…

There is no undoing what happened, but there is control over what the girl decides to do next…

Wallah-o-Alam…I pray to Allah :swt: to keep all the Muslimah’s honor and sanctity intact…Ameen…

54

i'm still not sure wht this girl wants to do? does she wants peace of mind without pointing fingers at the guy? she doesn't want her parents to know about all this. going to a shrink won't work either if she herself is not willing to move forward. apparently she is still living in the past that is why her guilt is growing by the day. however, i don't understand why she is feeling guilty? obviously it wasn't her fault. the only fault i see is her not telling her parents rite away. things would have been different then.

however, i think she should talk to the guy. see where he stands on this issue. if they can sort of this problem amongst themselves then that will save a lot of people from a lot of problems. if they can't sort out then she should tell her elders about this and get done with it.

55

thats nice and very well written but i don’t think she wants to approach it from a religious perspective so its better not to bring in islam. you know these people well, they’ll make a joke out of all of this.

56

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by ZaiN_12345: *

thats nice and very well written but i don't think she wants to approach it from a religious perspective so its better not to bring in islam. you know these people well, they'll make a joke out of all of this.
[/QUOTE]

Then they'll make a joke out of the girl...

57

Lajawab, the example that you gave about the way the Sahabah treated their foes in battle is different to this situation.

In Islam, we believe that once you convert to Islam, your past sins and transgressions count for nothing. So even if a man killed 500 Muslims on the battlefield, and then, as a Sahabah stood over him ready to bring down the sword that would sever the man's head, he shouted that he accepts Islam, his killing of the 500 would not count if his conversion was sincere.

But in the case of this woman, the man who molested her was a Muslim at the time of the molestation. His becoming more religious is not an act of conversion absolving him of his past sins.

Offering my own opinion on the issue, I'm sympathetic to the girl's desire to see her molester brought to justice. However, before she brings the man to court, she has to seriously consider what she is getting into.

Firstly, proving guilt this many years after the crime has been committed will be extremely difficult unless the man himself confesses (unlikely). What concrete evidence can she produce now to testify to her moelestation, other than her word? Is there any physical evidence on her that she was molested, and if so, by that man in particular? Our own desi society is likely to be harsh on her too, whatever the outcome. If, as I feel is likely due to lack of evidence, the case is rejected, her local desi society will forever label her as the woman who blackened the name of a religious family man with allegations of molestation that she was not able to prove, and she is likely to get excluded to some extent.

If, on the other hand, she someone manages to go against the odds and get a conviction, her and her close family will get the satisfaction of seeing the brute that did this horrifically vile act to her, but then, under the strange perversion of conservative desi culture, she will be labelled with a stigma that she does not carry right now - that is somehow not being pure anymore. She would have to live with that too, with everyone knowing that she is the victim of abuse.

However, I still believe that before going public and exposing the man, she should go see her lawyer and discuss with him whether there is enough evidence to convict her molester. The worst possible thing for this woman would be if she accused the man of molesting her, and then proved unable to secure a conviction. Not only would she suffer from society for it - but she would also bear the double blow of seeing the criminal justice system declaring him to be innocent.

58

Re: My friends dark past…

well i dont know why she is so depressed he only use to touch her nothing else whats so bad bout that, unless i dont know what u mean by touching, is there a deeper meaning or something

:flower1:
[/QUOTE]

59

^^^

Errr... touching her in "special" places.

60

Dunno why...but some replies here really freak me out...sad