My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

[Xaos]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Deeba1234

^You were walking away though..

OP has to somehow live with this situation..

Agree with Sajalina..

I was still his wife back then and might have chosen not to divorce! And this wasn’t the point though, what I wanted to say was that you have the choice if you want to work on letting go of negative stuff or keep it close to your heart and let it make you and others around you miserable.

[TwitTwit]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

^^ When your dad whom you are suppose to look up to does something like this, it impacts your basic foundation of how you interpret things in live (or alteast it would have in my case) . I look up to my dad in more ways than I can imagine.

I think the basic suggestions were to focus on other things in live but lot of times its harder said then done especially when there is a constant reminder around. TBH if I were in her place, I would have be pretty upset for a long time.

OP, one step at a time. Don’t rush into trying to like the family/ making efforts or accepting the situation unless you’ve already done so. First try to heal yourself and your heart before anything else. Anytime you get upset and feel the anger build up, take a walk, divert your mind. Small steps will help.

[IsaidwhatIsaid]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Xaos

10 steps??**lol… I wish Pakistan went 1400 years behind. That’s when minds were truly opened about rights of women.
**

You sure about that?

[Deeba1234]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Xaos

I was still his wife back then and might have chosen not to divorce! And this wasn’t the point though, what I wanted to say was that you have the choice if you want to work on letting go of negative stuff or keep it close to your heart and let it make you and others around you miserable.

That’s easier said than done, especially with something so major..

I’ve noticed in our culture there’s a tendency to just say that but then the bitterness can fester.. Imo better to deal with something that bothers you than just try and brush it aside or pretend it’s not happening, as a lot of people also do..

[Xaos]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@IsaidwhatIsaid

You sure about that?

Absolutely!

[Xaos]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Deeba1234

That’s easier said than done, especially with something so major..

I’ve noticed in our culture there’s a tendency to just say that but then the bitterness can fester.. Imo better to deal with something that bothers you than just try and brush it aside or pretend it’s not happening, as a lot of people also do..

Okay. No point wasting time here when people would rather do what pleases them as compared to what’s right.
First time I am hearing that bitterness comes from letting things go and forgiving or maybe you don’t know the difference between denial and accepting and moving on.

[aqua70]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Xaos

10 steps??lol… I wish Pakistan went 1400 years behind. That’s when minds were truly opened about rights of women.

And as long as we are on the mind opening thing and women having say in the man’s life …The day I made up my mind that I was never going back to my husband again,I called him and asked him to not hesistate in taking on a second wife if he wanted to, since I might or might not proceed with divorce but would certainly never go back to living with him. I wished him the best and told him he would find happiness with someone else…and I wished him all of this from the heart.

I wish people could learn to forgive others and in doing so free their minds of negative emotions.

Dang you are one tough cookie Xaos. But as witnessed by this thread, you will find that this quality of not holding onto grudges and not wanting someone to pay for someone else’s mistake even years after, is a rare quality.

[Deeba1234]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Xaos

Okay. No point wasting time here when people would rather do what pleases them as compared to what’s right.
First time I am hearing that bitterness comes from letting things go and forgiving or maybe you don’t know the difference between denial and accepting and moving on.

Or maybe you don’t understand empathy and that a person may want or have a right to answers, rather than just being told it’s no big deal or to “move on”.. THAT is where bitterness can come from..

My father’s a psychiatrist btw, I know full well what happens with these sorts of problems.. Telling someone to simply “accept” and “move on” is oversimplifying things as well as being a little condescending..

OP has every right to be upset and ask for help in how to deal with the situation..

[IsaidwhatIsaid]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Xaos

Absolutely!

LMFAO. Okay, sis. Have fun with that.

[Xaos]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Deeba1234

Or maybe you don’t understand empathy and that a person may want or have a right to answers, rather than just being told it’s no big deal or to “move on”.. THAT is where bitterness can come from..

My father’s a psychiatrist btw, I know full well what happens with these sorts of problems.. Telling someone to simply “accept” and “move on” is oversimplifying things as well as being a little condescending..

OP has every right to be upset and ask for help in how to deal with the situation..

Lol… You wanna talk about empathy?Is empathy ignoring what the OP’s younger sister might be going through?
Is calling your half sister ‘the daughter’ not condescending?
OP isn’t asking for help ,she is just throwing a pity party refusing to stand in other peoples shoes,refusing advice unless it’s telling her that it’s perfectly okay for her to remain upset over it even after years.

I am a doctor and teach in a medical school so I probably know better about psychiatrists than you

[third_string]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Deeba1234

Or maybe you don’t understand empathy and that a person may want or have a right to answers, rather than just being told it’s no big deal or to “move on”.. THAT is where bitterness can come from..

My father’s a psychiatrist btw, I know full well what happens with these sorts of problems.. Telling someone to simply “accept” and “move on” is oversimplifying things as well as being a little condescending..

OP has every right to be upset and ask for help in how to deal with the situation..

I think Xaos is speaking from a perspective of somebody that is either a second wife or the child of one, so i can see what she’s saying.

[Xaos]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@third_string

I think Xaos is speaking from a perspective of somebody that is either a second wife or the child of one, so i can see what she’s saying.

I am neither. I am just someone who knows from firsthand experience how liberating forgiveness is. We are humans,we get hurt,we have a right to express our pain, except sympathy but eventually we have to put the final seal of forgiveness on the pain and hurt so we can enjoy the other good things life has given us. The OP doesn’t have to forget what happened she just has to accept that her father is a human who like everyone else is flawed and can make bad judgement calls and just as capable to hurting others as much as any other human. Things could have been worse for her,I know of husbands who divorced the first wife and kids because of the second or neglected them. Contrary to that OP’s father continued being a loving father and husband for his family. His second wife and kids are not going anywhere. Hurting them is never going go heal the OP. Op felt the pain of the actions of her father, she retaliated by creating more pain. Retribution brings zero good to your life. I know it’s not always easy to nr kind and giving but once you learn it you will know how good it will make you feel.

okay. I am out of here.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@aqua70

Dang you are one tough cookie Xaos. But as witnessed by this thread, you will find that this quality of not holding onto grudges and not wanting someone to pay for someone else’s mistake even years after, is a rare quality.

My mum chose to move on, she accepted it and made it normal for us. My life isn’t hard because of this, it is just something I struggle with time to time. @Xaos just because everyone is not like you, doesn’t mean they are wrong.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Xaos

I am neither. I am just someone who knows from firsthand experience how liberating forgiveness is. We are humans,we get hurt,we have a right to express our pain, except sympathy but eventually we have to put the final seal of forgiveness on the pain and hurt so we can enjoy the other good things life has given us. The OP doesn’t have to forget what happened she just has to accept that her father is a human who like everyone else is flawed and can make bad judgement calls and just as capable to hurting others as much as any other human. Things could have been worse for her,I know of husbands who divorced the first wife and kids because of the second or neglected them. Contrary to that OP’s father continued being a loving father and husband for his family. His second wife and kids are not going anywhere. Hurting them is never going go heal the OP. Op felt the pain of the actions of her father, she retaliated by creating more pain. Retribution brings zero good to your life. I know it’s not always easy to nr kind and giving but once you learn it you will know how good it will make you feel.

okay. I am out of here.

@Xaos I am not out here looking for revenge???
I will say this now for 53884848848484th time, I just needed an emotional outlet!!!

You need to seriously got off your high horse, its clear you could benefit from letting some weight off your shoulders too.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@TwitTwit

^^ When your dad whom you are suppose to look up to does something like this, it impacts your basic foundation of how you interpret things in live (or alteast it would have in my case) . I look up to my dad in more ways than I can imagine.

I think the basic suggestions were to focus on other things in live but lot of times its harder said then done especially when there is a constant reminder around. TBH if I were in her place, I would have be pretty upset for a long time.

OP, one step at a time. Don’t rush into trying to like the family/ making efforts or accepting the situation unless you’ve already done so. First try to heal yourself and your heart before anything else. Anytime you get upset and feel the anger build up, take a walk, divert your mind. Small steps will help.

Thanks very much, I appreciate it.

[Bobby1]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@third_string

I think Xaos is speaking from a perspective of somebody that is either a second wife or the child of one, so i can see what she’s saying.

Absolutely.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Bobby1

Absolutely.

Yes I am thinking so too.

[Xaos]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Beeba123

It’s emotional maturity but you can call it emotional high horse because, grapes are sour LOL.
There are people like you who think the world revolves around them and their problems and they lack the capacity to understand what others are going through unless they been through it themselves. People don’t have to be orphaned or widowed or gone through hunger and pain themselves to understand what the pain widows, orphans and homeless. But you can do what @Bobby1 is telling you. You are more suited for that.
I can’t help but feel sorry for your half siblings to have to deal with someone like you.

[Iconoclast]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Bobby1

So you eat donkey meat Korma and Kutta Karahii and your water is mixed with sewer and you say you have a big brain lol…Like I say cussing and abusing makes you typical not atypical..I see guys paying the price of indiscretions every day, losing the house, kids, having to pay alimony, to some it seems like a penalty. So when Tiger Woods got beaten with a golf club and paid hundreds of millions in settlement seemed like a consequence. French first lady had to chose bw the men, she couldnt be married to both at the same time. For women haters men can screw around and women should be honor killed for marrying a man they love…lol..I know the budboo has damaged lil misogynists brain..lol

Tuch tuch that was so pathetic response. Try a little harder at insults and let me throw some back at you. Cmon make my day.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Xaos

@Beeba123

It’s emotional maturity but you can call it emotional high horse because, grapes are sour LOL.
There are people like you who think the world revolves around them and their problems and they lack the capacity to understand what others are going through unless they been through it themselves. People don’t have to be orphaned or widowed or gone through hunger and pain themselves to understand what the pain widows, orphans and homeless. But you can do what @Bobby1 is telling you. You are more suited for that.
I can’t help but feel sorry for your half siblings to have to deal with someone like you.

OK. I honestly wish you the best of luck. You have a lot of unresolved issues, I really think expressing them in a more positive manner could help you.