Please stay seated, because this is going to be a long winded one. And before they do, can the people with silly comment please just not even reply, writing this all out is very hard for me (bit therapeutic for sure) and I don’t need a demotivating response. Please :0)
I was 16 when I found out my dad had another family. He and my mum were arguing like crazy one day and she suddenly screamed it out, because for the first time in 10 odd years he was going to start staying the night there (once a week, as he has been for the past 10 years now). At first, I didn’t really process it. I was 16. I kind of ignored it. Then it hit me. I became naughty in high school, didn’t do much, got in trouble a lot and was extremely rude and somewhat rebellious. I still had limits tbh, I wasn’t baaghi status, but for my family it was a lot. Initially I didn’t talk to my dad, I ignored him because that’s what my sister had done when she found out (I didn’t really know what to do with the information so I copied her – again I was 16 and dumb) but that didn’t work out because my dad blamed my mum for it and said that was her influence. Thus started the biggest game of our lives.
My dad has a wife, son and daughter (oldest only 3 years younger than me) and he goes there once a week. If you ever came my house, lived with us, dined with us, did anything – you would never know. My mum, the strongest person I know, took so much on her shoulders (it makes me tear up to even think about it). She wasn’t suppose to tell me this ‘thing’ 10 years ago when I was 16, she was waiting for me to turn 18. Like she did with my other siblings (3 older). Because she didn’t want to disturb us in any way. The reason she snapped, and rightly so, is because dad was taking another step in staying there. Now, I know Islamically, this is the right of the family etc etc – fine. But this ‘marriage’ was initially an affair. Mum didn’t consent to being wife #1](http://gupshup.org/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) and we didn’t consent to having our lives shaken as children by this. She only accepted it, for us. If she didn’t have children she would have left my dad years ago.
Now, my parents do love each other a lot (they just celebrated 40 years mA) and what from my mum told me this is the biggest regret of my dads life. And in more recent years we have accepted the half siblings we have unwittingly gained. Every Eid, birthday, event (obviously not the anniversary cos major AWKz) they are invited and accepted as everyone else. The son even works at my brothers office (per dads and chachus forcing, obviously but he does). We have 0 contact with their mum and it will stay that way because no one in our entire family (extended included) want her involved. Dad doesn’t really either, I know this for a fact, but he pushes here and there for a reaction. I don’t know why. In the same breath he forces the idea of an open family upon us and sees how we will react if he mentions the other wife here and there, he also ONLY introduces mum as his wife in public. He only brings business, family, friends etc to our house. He only mentions my mother in anything in which a spouse is needed/asked for. He does not publicly claim his other family.
Now here is my issue, I need help. No matter what I do to accept this baat, I can’t. The anger I feel toward this woman who purposely trapped my dad for money (he is well off) and the stupidity for my dads cheating, lies, deceit hurt me everyday. (I am very aware it is a 50/50 fault. I blame them BOTH) My siblings have all accepted it. But I can’t seem too. Recently, as the daughter gets older, she becomes more and more chalaak like her mother. She creates small issues and dramas for dads attention and it gets me in a lot of ****, to be frank. Example: past August entire extended family came to our house for my cousins wedding (cousin is from abroad, his mum is my phupoo, so that’s why everyone stays at our house FYI) and us cousins went together a lot. Now, I have 3 other cousins all my age (25) and we want to go out together. Have fun within our own age group, talk freely. The daughter is 3 or 4 years younger. She can’t always join in. We need to go somewhere in 2 cars and the older girls all wanna sit with me and they out of town so I say ok cool. So the one time we leave her out she makes a whole roola ruppa about it. Automatic waterworks start and she cries straight to my dad. To his credit, he didn’t really say anything about it but it causes a commotion with everyone else. Everyone else has a bad taste in their mouth - especially me. This happens 3 or 4 times, I even apologised to her once for making her feel left out. But she just took as a cue to do more drama in front of everyone. It’s this dramatic chalaak **** I can’t take. I even spoke to her about but nothing came of it. I’ve given up pretending to accept them. Nowadays I keep keep it to salams and extremely small talk because I know myself – if I am pushed any further I will snap. And the domino effect of that will cause more problems beyond anyone’s control.
I KNOW it’s not their fault. I know I need to find a way to deal with this issue - because it’s a forever thing - but HOW. Even thinking about it and discussing it here makes my throat close and my eyes water. Ba khuda I can’t understand how to control my emotions and actions. My mother is the pinocle of patience but I’m not. I took after my dad and his quick anger and aggression. I keep it all inside for as long as I can then I pop. The other day it was only me and dad eating dinner. I brought up an issue with him. I tell you, I was shaking. So scared. Typical scary desi dad wala scene. I told him of a time the daughter emotionally blackmailed some of my cousins to her house to meet her mum. Now, like I said, we don’t do this in our house. This marriage was the result of an affair. It isn’t really accepted. And my cousins were very uncomfortable and they told me about it. So I told dad. Long story short, he was shocked but as my mum explained he doesn’t know what to say. Especially since in 10 years of me know – this is the first time I have challenged him. Ended with him only saying over and over again why why why why is it a problem who cares. I said, her mum thought IT WAS ME who went there (obvi I didn’t shout, I kept extremely calm and so did he – scarily enough) and how dare she because I would never. Why why why why not. Because that’s weird. Why why why why. Cos dad – that’s not my family. He got kinda annoyed at this – but that’s my family. Yes, its your family dad. End of convo. He quietly finished his meal and went to watch TV. Over. Done. He didn’t speak to me for 2 days and now he is, it is just forced and strained. I am also avoiding any arguments or awkward behaviour. We are being polite, that’s it. We are not talking and joking like we usually do. My mum is ignoring it as usual and everyone at home is oblivious anything even happened.
This bring me to the present. I swear to you guys, I have gone through so many stages with this khahani. I have been forgiving, too forgiving where dad takes emotional advantage, anger, too angry where I have isolated myself. Sad, too sad where I can’t concentrate on anything. And now after a while where it was all fine and still – this wedding drama brought back all these feelings I have pent up inside of me. Maybe stress of work, health etc are contributing factors but it won’t go away. I want to accept it, have my mum’s strength and move on. But I don’t know HOW.
Hope this was clear. If any of you have similar experiences (because I know this is common in Pakistani families) , please tell me how you cope. Any advise on now to move on and focus on my own zindagi is very much appreciated x
