Amour. I feel sorry for your wife. So what about her parents? Would you be happy for them to come and live with you? or does your thinking just apply to your parents? My view is familiarity breeds contempt. Having either set of parents living with you can put a huge strain on the marriage. Although I do realize that sometimes due to health problems n stuff theres no other option. My problem is where in-laws marry their sons to girls in the west and then decide they would quite like to come and join them in the West as well. that just takes the biscuit. I have a MIL who has such motives......over my dead body.
If your husband is supportive and can stand up for you (that is if your in laws create probs for you as you don't know how to cook etc), then you should be all well. It all depends on the husband too.
Obviously, you will have to adjust and try to learn. Be nice to your Parents in Law and insha ALLAH they will be nice to you too. Yes, show them the willingness to learn and adjust into their environment.
I know it is very very difficult... but you don't really have a choice.
Besides, make sure your hubby & in laws know what to expect from you in the beginning to avoid misunderstandings and troubles. Tell them you will learn all of it with time, but do not expect a ready-made programmed robot bahu right away!!
ARGHHHHHH!!!!
hello...so basically im engaged my hubby to be is the only son in his family he has 3 other sisters and they are already married with kids..m,A the sisters are lovely they are a lil older than me and treat me with love and care...the problem is....my hubby to be wants me to not only move to pak but also live with MIL and FIL ...i mean his parents are equally as lovely...even from before our rishta...as we are family friends...
BUT i mean to be honest im not a daughter in law type of girl..as in i cant do the cooking looking after the in laws situation...living in england iv never had to lift a finger...i mean i do but i havent been taught to cook or anything..i can make tea..but i have no idea what to do...i was under the impression that i would be living in pak...which i have to say i was reluctant to do...but now i have to live with the in laws...i come from a very liberal family in the sense that im allowed to do as i please albeit within certain limits..but as in clothes and stuff...hubbys family are all in pak and he himself is quite liberal u know where what u want etc...but then with the parents there it might be...different..
iv already told him not to expect too much from me because its just not in me to be that type of person...in an ideal world id rather live with him somewhere..but i understand he cant leave his parents as he is the only son
Any opinions would be much appreciated
Was it a surprise arrange marriage? Why weren't these topics brought up & discussed before you said yes to engagement. This could have been done thru your parents. Best of luck to you.
^ Sometimes girl’s parents are reluctant to ask about her future living arrangements, they want to present the image that she’s subservient and totally happy with wherever she is expected to live.
A distant cousin of mine from ‘back home’ married a guy here in the UK, had never visited beforehand or even asked where she’d be living. She went from being brought up in a mansion to living in a bedsit sharing a bathroom with two other couples and having to work part-time in Tesco cos the boy’s family had exaggerated his ‘comfortable’ lifestyle. How mad is it that her parents could ask what do the uncles, aunties, cousins, grandparents do and where they come from etc. but not ask such basic things as what conditions will my daughter be living in after the marriage?? 
Was it a surprise arrange marriage? Why weren't these topics brought up & discussed before you said yes to engagement. This could have been done thru your parents. Best of luck to you.
shockingly it is a love marriage..and maybe because of that i didnt ask...and i dont know y the assumption always is the guy will come here..but it was an oversight on my part
If your husband is supportive and can stand up for you (that is if your in laws create probs for you as you don't know how to cook etc), then you should be all well. It all depends on the husband too.
Obviously, you will have to adjust and try to learn. Be nice to your Parents in Law and insha ALLAH they will be nice to you too. Yes, show them the willingness to learn and adjust into their environment.
I know it is very very difficult... but you don't really have a choice.
Besides, make sure your hubby & in laws know what to expect from you in the beginning to avoid misunderstandings and troubles. Tell them you will learn all of it with time, but do not expect a ready-made programmed robot bahu right away!!
thank u for ur comments..
and ur right i dnt really have a choice i cant break up an engagement based on this one thing..and iv already told him not to expect me to be a 'robot bahu' cos i havent learnt how to do anything..
also i was speaking to him yest and he admitted to me the reason he doesnt want to come to the uk is becuse he doesnt want anyone to say he married me for my passport..which i understand..but y does he care what ppl think?
Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws
fairywings where shall u be stayin in Pak i myself am planning 2 go back to pak soon to live with my hubby's family. trust me its not as bad as it seems.
some advice i would say is jus be honest, be urself from day one dont try to be a housweife type if ur not as at least ur in laws wil know ur not fake.
Plus dnt be frighten they are ur new family and be positive...;)
fairywings where shall u be stayin in Pak i myself am planning 2 go back to pak soon to live with my hubby's family. trust me its not as bad as it seems.
some advice i would say is jus be honest, be urself from day one dont try to be a housweife type if ur not as at least ur in laws wil know ur not fake.
Plus dnt be frighten they are ur new family and be positive...;)
i shall be staying in lahore inshAllah..thanks for ur kind words..i think im just going to be myself and be open and if i cant do something il say it...if im unhapppy il say it..
thats cool, im also moving to lahore to live with my hubby/inlaws. rather than thinking abt the things im going to miss or whatever, im trying to see it positively and think about what i might like there and get to enjoy as i have never lived in a muslim country for more than a couple weeks at a time
Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws
ur in the same boat as me then missy1234...i think im gonna miss the every day stuff u know? and family..but like lil things....
Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws
yeah i know how u feel..i too am going to miss the lil things..but who knows maybe well come to enjoy some of the different things over there too. my friend went to lahore for med school and she loved it so much she didnt want to come back lol. my weddings in jan, wut abt u?
Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws
yea my friend spent her childhood there and she says she would do anything to go back...i just hope i too enjoy it...i hope u enjoy it too missy1234...well i have a few dates floating around but nothing concrete as yet...lol.
well best of luck to u, hav u started any of the wedding prep like dress/jewelry
Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws
lol...shall i pm u instead lol...?? this thread could go on forever :-D
This is their daughter, I dont understand the reluctance. If They want to present a subservient image, they shouldnt be shocked when in-laws demand such a thing…its wrong…but that IS the image they presented…so why cry over it later…I things major things should be talked about up-front …
Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws
Living in Pakistan is kinda too much difficult :P
Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws
When I was went to pk after marriage my in laws thought that i can't even boil eggs! And when I started to clean they made me not to do it, because they thought I was not used to it. But even living in the Uk we have to cook, clean, etc.
Ofcourse they should not ask me how to make atta from those brown seeds. Because I have no idea, never done it!
I am sure that your in laws know that you don't do these things in the UK and they will be very keen te teach you, and I think honestly that my time in pk was the best time. There are so many things to learn.
Good Luck,
Sanam
Who are these useless moms and dads not bothering to teach their children to cook?
I’m white and in ‘our culture’ we were pretty much raised to do what the hell we want and even then myself and all my siblings could cook decent food by the time we were 13!
All this rubbish about not having time with studies, family blah blah blah just wont cut it, I could cook, clean, live independently and work while studying. Parents need to bring up their children so they have the skills to leave home and look after themselves, otherwise you have not done your job as a parent!
To the thread starter – Get some cook books and start practising or get your mom to teach you. There is no excuse for not been able to cook, unless you have no hands.
Infact I take back the no hands comment, wash your feet and cook with them.
tradition...hmm ok then you should keep your in laws with you as will don't u think? why should it be just the DIL who makes the sacrifice? you make the sacrifice too bro...have her parents and yours live with you in the same house.
You don't like that girls turn to islam on such matters when they are unislamic on other matters...par bhai what else are they supposed to do when they seem to be getting the short end of the stick...agar waise hubby ko kaho main in laws ko saath rakhne mein comfy nahin toh woh defensive ho jaata hai so we bring up the islamic issues... you know pak has a lot of traditions ..alot of which are from hindus (including living in combined family system) ...and alot of thes hinduism related traditions are unislamic...main ek baat bolun perfect muslim koi nahin hota but we all try...yes we all do unislamic things but we also all do islamic things so you saying this thing "girls love to come out with such islamic rulings when they are not such islamic in other matters" is not a valid argument. I would also venture to say i love when guys say "waise toh itni strict muslim nahin jahan mere ma baap ki baat aati hai wahan muslamaan bann jaati hai" yeh bhi toh dekho woh aur chezein bhi karti hogi jo islamic hain and zaruri hai k woh completely islamic nahin toh aap bhi unsilamic cheez karo jab k aapko clear pata hai k islamically theek nahin hai?
also parents ko help ya support karne k liye unhe same ghar mein hona zaruri hai? kya woh saath waale ghar mein hon agar tab aap help nahin kar sakte? khabar nahin le sakte?
If you know that your wife n mom dont have smooth relation toh zaruri hai aap apni wife ko zaleel karo aur uspe apni maa ka burden daalo? i dont think so...buy your parents neighboring house visit them everyday eat with them socialize with them par end mein apne apne ghar ...at least try to reach some compromise instead of being so inflexible
yeh jo hota hai na in laws k saath rehne vaala chakkar...chaahe son in law ne apni wife k parents ko rakha huwa ho ya daughter in law ko apne hubby k parents k saath rehna parre dono situations bohot complicated aur chaotic hain and a lot of conflicts arise...its better to not put urself in these situations...nothing good comes out of it...DIL ko MIL/FIL se nafrat ho jaati hai MIL ko DIL se aur hubby ko bhi wife se gille hote hain
you knwo agar ek wife apne hubby kk gharwalon ko dislike karti hai toh uss mein almost 90% contribution is how hubby treats her because of influence by his gharwaale and the rest 10% is the politics the MIL plays agaisnt the DIL n then the DIL has to either play too to survive or else get run over....and its the same way agar hubby apni wife k gharwalon ko pasand nahin karta uss mein bhi haath uski wife ka aur MIL ka hota hai
it may not be islamic but its our tradition, but i like when girls love to come out with such islamic rulings even when they are not such islamic in other matters.
well i can relate to situation here, as I am an only son and eventually i will be living with them with my family, even here in UK or Pakistan where ever we finally end up. i have houses in both countries. at present my parents live in Lahore on their own, and visit us here once in 2 years and we go to pak once a years or two. as they are getting older i want to be with them in this age, so before we move back to Pak from here, i want my parents to spend more time with us and grand sons, they miss them more then myself now at this age.
though my wife and mother doesnt have plain sailing relationship, but she knows and agrees they will live with us here and back home, living like this is not long term solution. When she was married, as usual she didnt know how to cook properly, but she learnt over the years, she didnt spend much time with in laws but moved here with me soon after marriage.
I personally dont like very individual westernised life, parents in law should be respected and cared like one care for her/his own parents. really dont like the idea love the hubby, hate the in laws!