moving to pakistan to live with in laws

Lifestyle Relationships
1

ARGHHHHHH!!!

hello…so basically im engaged my hubby to be is the only son in his family he has 3 other sisters and they are already married with kids..m,A the sisters are lovely they are a lil older than me and treat me with love and care…the problem is…my hubby to be wants me to not only move to pak but also live with MIL and FIL …i mean his parents are equally as lovely…even from before our rishta…as we are family friends…

BUT i mean to be honest im not a daughter in law type of girl..as in i cant do the cooking looking after the in laws situation…living in england iv never had to lift a finger…i mean i do but i havent been taught to cook or anything..i can make tea..but i have no idea what to do…i was under the impression that i would be living in pak…which i have to say i was reluctant to do…but now i have to live with the in laws…i come from a very liberal family in the sense that im allowed to do as i please albeit within certain limits..but as in clothes and stuff…hubbys family are all in pak and he himself is quite liberal u know where what u want etc…but then with the parents there it might be…different..

iv already told him not to expect too much from me because its just not in me to be that type of person…in an ideal world id rather live with him somewhere..but i understand he cant leave his parents as he is the only son

Any opinions would be much appreciated

2

Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

First thing, not everyone cooks in Pakistan either. A lot of people have cooks and maids to do the daily tasks. Like you stated, your in laws are very nice and supportive then I am sure they'll have no problem in hiring someone to help you out. Though I strongly believe that every girl should know how to cook. Not saying professional cooking but enough to at least serve few people when there is no other option.
You can talk to your husband to be and tell him that you don't mind learning but the learning process may take some time. In the meantime your in laws can find maids and cooks to help you out. Like I said before you should learn few dishes at least if not everything.

3

Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

To be honest your situation sounds a lot like many of my sister in laws who have been born and bred in Pakistan. None of them knew how to cook or clean.

Most of the girls in my family from Pakistan cannot cook or clean, one couldnt even make tea! I think its a given that they can't do those things. They have all learnt via their mother in laws. Perhaps you could do the same.

4

Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

thanks spiral...i mean i wanna learn how to cook like i do i also believe a woman should know how to cook...but i mean its other stuff too..and i dnt knw how true to form it is that women do nothing in pak..it would be interesting to know...cos al my cousins here seem to think there isnt much work to do..

initially wanted to work when i went to pak and hubby to be was supportive of this but i dnt think MIL and FIL will be happy about it...they are very traditional...so i dont know if the will 'approve'...and also i mean it just seems not only will i be adjusting to being married but also a new country and on top of that in laws and on top of that working??? it seems just to much..!!

5

thank u

i was joking to my mum the other day that girls these days learn to cook from their in laws..lol...its cute providing u have a patient mother in law...

6

Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

You will learn to live with them and they will learn to live with you.

You will figure out what they like and do your best and vice versa.

No girls comes fully programmed as the perfect wife and daughter in law, you learn with time and adjust according to the family and your husband...as do they.

Your job is to make the effort as much as you can to learn, adapt and just be nice. Eventually, they will forgive your shortcomings and even help you out.

On a side note, he is an only son. Living with his parents is a given and should not be a surprise to you at all. Eventually, this would have been his responsibility regardless of the location...UK or Pakistan.

7

Exactly. Cute mother in law also deserves a willing daughter in law. Show her you are willing to learn.

You could also perhaps try a few dishes before you get to Pakistan.

Desserts is a great place to start, everyone loves desserts.

8

I've been stressing myself and getting depressed over the same adjustment issue with in-laws and your words spoke soo directly to me and I feel so much better
Thanks :)

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9

Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

hey

well im in the same sort of boat...however i can sort of cook...........anyway point is....

i think living with in laws is something you shudve assumed, why are you shocked....its obvious if hes the only son, and if he cares for his parents and is a decent bloke, well its good that hes wanting to live with them...where did you expect them to go...? IM sure you would want your son to remain with you once your in their situation..

secondly....dntwry much for cooking/cleaning if they are reasobly well off itl be done for you.....i love cooking...and once you know how, you will too..

i was just like you, scared of pakistan and its lifestyle....and worried my independence would be taken away..and my clothes changed.....well

nothing like that happend...yes clothes change a little...but i prefer it there..while i was unmarried and here in the uk, i was adamant no one would take me out of my jeans and sweats, however once there, i loved wearing salwar kamiz all the time and felt most comfy...i also like the shopping lifestyle there, things are cheap, theres a mass variety and it really is fun.....yes ok so things like popping out for some milk on your own is abit absurd cos the milk comes to the house...lol...but seriously...i didnt have to lift a finger, everything was done for me..no housework...the workers did it....and even when i cooked, the worker cut the onions and tomatoes for me..i was in heaven....

seriously i cant wait to live there soon, and i think youll change..

if you read my posts back....before july..ul see a very diff nadz....trust me...

Time Pass... Feb 2014
Time Pass... Feb 2014
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Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

lol nadz tu barri suggar ho gayee hai we are proud of u lol now don't come back a month later with evil mum in law stories lol

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its just the initial adjustment period that frightens me..cos i will be getting used to him AND his family..and ur right i shouldnt be shocked i dnt even no y i didnt thnk...

hehehe desert yum...lol i think il ask my mum to teach me the basics...they may not react too well to the fact i dnt know how to cook

ye ur right i mean i believe what goes around comes around..so if we dnt take care of them no one else will look after me...

also i dnt mind not wearing jeans etc..i prefer shalwar kameez anyway///

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Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

Have u asked him whether the living with inlaws is meant to be a short or long-term thing cos also u have to think what will happen if/when inshAllah u have kids and if u can handle the extra stress of having less of ur own space to bring them up etc. Islamically it isn't recomended to live with inlaws for obvious reasons unless they are old/infirm/lonely. Even if u did in the future would be better if they lived with u in ur house (obviously when ur older and when finances allow it) rather than u in theirs cos that way the dynamics are different, u and hubby will be more in 'control' if u see what I mean.

Good luck tho, hope it goes well 4u :)

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Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

^ well uhm its suposed to be a long term thing for defo...i mean its a big house mashallah...and also wen we have children id prefer to live with them...on one side the babysitting aspect and on the other side i think its important for children to have a bond with grandparents..BUT in the first few years of marriage im unsure...and as u say it might be better to live wen wer older...cos we will e seen to be established and not newly married..

so in islam is it really not recommended?

Pak V India - Asia Cup
14

Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

Did you grow up outside Pakistan? I'd suggest you not move back so easily.

Take it like this. You first decide WHERE you want to live and WHERE you'd be happy. Then try finding a guy THERE.

To move back to Pakistan is going to require a HUGE CHANGE.

On your part.

Just be careful and dont come crying back when it turns out they're a nightmare. Live in Pakistan because YOU WANT to, not because of a boy.

15

lol

well it only lasted few days, i have my own vendetta against the MIL...shes ok, but shes bloody annoying at times..but hey thats another life and relationship topic..:}

16

Yes:

'Scholars advise that after marriage, the husband and wife should live in a separate place of residence if possible. If the newly wed want to move out and the parents don’t let them, then this will be a form of oppression by the parents. Not only that, but **scholars even go to this extent that even if the atmosphere is good at home between the mother in law and the daughter in law, the husband still should move out because of the many marriages which break up due to the mother in law/daughter in law conflicts.

It is un-Islamic to think that we HAVE to live together with our parents after marriage. In the book I have in front of me right now, it says that that is a Hindu custom and is has no basis in Islam.’

Source: Mother in law: Demanding & interfering she wants to know all the intimate detail

Also check out: Islamic View on the Extended Family System - IslamonLine.net - Ask The Scholar

**
If the man can’t afford seperate housing the absolute minimum he is meant to provide for his wife is a bedroom with a lock on the door, seperate bathroom and kitchen. If he can’t even manage that I guess he’s not in a position where he’s ready to get married. There are also loads of Islamic issues apart from the obvious family disputes that tend to happen, MIL/DIL not getting on, such as husbands brothers being non-mehrams, if the new wife wears hijab/jilbaab/burqa she’d have to keep it on practically all day etc.

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Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

Found this on another forum, this seems fairly typical and seems to sum up what a lot of girls end up going thru so please everyone think carefully before moving in with inlaws, I am NOT saying they’re bad at all, just to be aware of potential difficulties that can arise from being in these situations:

'Salaam all…

I am a girl living with in-laws for 5 1/2 years…let me tell you it is NOT easy. That doesn’t mean that my in-laws are bad or anything…but if you want privacy…flexibility…and just responsibility for yourself and your immediate family (kids, husband and yourself) then it is not possible in extended family circumstances.

My in-laws don’t tell me to do stuff…but it is expected of a daughter-in-law and therefore considered my duty whereas in Islam I do not have to look after my in-laws sooo much. I have 2 younger brothers-in-law who don’t do anything around the house unless you constantly remind them…My mother-in-law is only 50 but has depressive problems and doesn’t have a good relationship with her husband which makes her even more dependent and clingy to her kids (and my husband). My husbands parents are not that old…they live their lives and do stuff they want to do. My mother-in-law loves dressing up and wearing gold etc.

We live in England so I have to cook, clean, look after my own kids, and husband and in-laws. By the end of the day I am shattered and just want to sleep…but of course by that time my husband wants to spend some time with me…this situation causes stress.

My younger bros-in-law are not married as yet. And as they are non-maharam to me, Islamically I have to wear hijab in the house. It is very frustrating. Even in the kitchen I have to wear hijab while cooking when they are home (both are in their 20s).

Because I am related to my husband, I am expected to live in this house for ages…Because in pakistani households, if you are family then you are expected to be extra sacrificing for your in-laws. It is not fair if you ask me. My husband has just bought a house last month, but there is too much to be done to it before we can move in. Probably will take another 6 months…and even the thought of me moving causes my mother-in-law to get moody…she says who will do the work, I am too ill to do anything etc…

Before I got married I never thougt about living separately, but now if I have a daughter I will let her ask her husband how long she would have to live with in-laws.. This is an important thing…I wish I had thought about this earlier. I would rather live close to in-laws than be dependent on them for soooo long. If they needed me and were too old etc. then it would be ok, but they have two sons who don’t do anything, so they should help around the house!’

Source: Muslim Online - Islamic Forum, Arcade, Friends > Living with in-laws

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Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

it may not be islamic but its our tradition, but i like when girls love to come out with such islamic rulings even when they are not such islamic in other matters.

well i can relate to situation here, as I am an only son and eventually i will be living with them with my family, even here in UK or Pakistan where ever we finally end up. i have houses in both countries. at present my parents live in Lahore on their own, and visit us here once in 2 years and we go to pak once a years or two. as they are getting older i want to be with them in this age, so before we move back to Pak from here, i want my parents to spend more time with us and grand sons, they miss them more then myself now at this age.

though my wife and mother doesnt have plain sailing relationship, but she knows and agrees they will live with us here and back home, living like this is not long term solution.
When she was married, as usual she didnt know how to cook properly, but she learnt over the years, she didnt spend much time with in laws but moved here with me soon after marriage.

I personally dont like very individual westernised life, parents in law should be respected and cared like one care for her/his own parents. really dont like the idea love the hubby, hate the in laws!

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Re: moving to pakistan to live with in laws

You should'nt woryy.. everybody has cook at home these days.. its not like you would be washing and cleaning and cooking alll the time. Nobody live their lives in luxury as well to do people in pakistan :) Plus if you make this small "sacrifice" your husband will love you even more for this. :)

20

^ no no iv always lived in england…a friend sed to me not being with someone just because u cant decide to live is very petty…sooo…hmmm…

p.s thanks for the crying nightmare bit lol..fills me with confidence lol

^wow very interesting…i never knew this was the case…i think if i do decide to go ahead i will ask for the bare minimum.. he doesnt have any brothers so i guess i dont have to worry about brother in laws etc

i actually do understand this and actually agree with it…but its different to think about it now…as in me in that situation

lol thanks shum..!!! this is what everyone has been saying to me…but i dont want to be constantly reminding him what i did ‘for him’

Why are british asian girls becoming more begerat?