Re: Moral Dilemma
^ woops.. sorries missed that bit
Re: Moral Dilemma
catty: My feelings, when it comes to emotions, are very compartmentalized. I wonder what makes you think i may not be too much into her. I am ony curious to know, cuz you are somewhat right.
The reason i am not into her is prolly becuase i am "trying" not to be. I have seen too many people going into these things with raw emotions and getting burnt.
Only thing i can say is that I am somewhat confused about it. The purpose of the thread was to really understand the complexity of the disease, and not to ask for advice as to what course iof action should take. But i welcomed all kind of responses. If i find out that it is as bad as some people say it is, then i will prolly backout :(
PCG: Your posts have been really helpful. I wish i could see her in a different light minus the illness, but is going to be hard. dont worry i am not going to jump on the bandwagon based on the advice on this forum. I am simply garnering info.
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Its simple really, if you really liked her you wouldn't be worrying so much about her condition (I don't know much about it, but it doesnt seem life threatening, and in this day and age there is always a way to have children). I mean if a guy I wanted to marry had cancer, even that wouldnt stop me from wanting to marry him.
And well you related the entire story to us, and indicated strongly that you didnt like the way they checked up on you - so this thread was more than just about the polycistic ovaries.
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Dope the title of your thread is Moral Dilemma. Surely you want to know more than basic info about polycystic ovaries.
Here’s a website - it described ovarian drilling which is what you’re talking about.
http://www.ivf.com/pcostreat.html
oh and
http://www.ivf-infertility.com/infertility/treatment/ovarian11.php
there are some cool pics in the second one.
Basically, it depends on who did the procedure on her, and if she started ovulating or not after it. If its not done right, it can lead to fertility problems obviously. So maybe check to see if she’s ovulating? But that does seem a bit morbid…
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i dunno catty.. it doesnt really mean that he doesnt like her… sometimes people are just concerned and its ok to be
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You all must be wondering why funguy hasn't given his input. Let me tell you something...our good friend dope has as much of a say in marrying this girl as you and I...which is zilch, nothing, naada. If a parent (with all due respect) can nullify a girl's marriage over the phone because her concerned dad made an inquiry phone call into his propsective son-in-law, then I gotta say...the parents will be the one deciding his futre. So no matter what top surgeon she goes to or becomes healthy over night, it won't be dope making the final call.
dope, I am not trying to diss you. It's a fact for most of the guys in our culture and the way you have described your situation it is obvious you are one of them.
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dope -- You have every right to worry about her. You also have a right to be selfish and yes you have a right to refuse the whole thing if you so please.
However, if you loved her it would not matter. And you clearly stated you care about her but do not love her. So tell her how you feel. It is unfair to leave her out of what is on your mind. If you are considering it, tell her exactly how you feel.
It would be sad if you didn't let her know and either called it off or went ahead with it. No point in making yourself or her miserable.
Talk to her. Explain how you feel and take it from there.
This whole discussing issues with others and not each other - thats a bad start right off the bat.
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sadzz concern for what - it doesnt seem to be a major issue - she hasnt had her tubes tied.
funguy said it all however - end of discussion!
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I almost choked on my slice. 
Funguy: I am not going to argue with you regarding the cultural norms in desi society where the parents call the shots. But my situation was different. I didn’t know the girl very well when my mom postponed the whole thing. If she was my girlfriend, i dont think i would let my parents have any say.
Muslimqueen: I didnt lead her on at all. She was the one who emailed me, and told me about it. When we were exchaning e-mails, at no point did i ever give her the impression i was interested. After a few months (now that is) i realized she is a nice girl. But i am in a dilemma because i already have too much information about her which is preventing me from even trying move to the next level. She doesnt know that i am even considering her as potential rishtaa. I was just having one of those rational-irrational thoughts…
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Slightly off topic but this is extremely funny. You never know what a paranoid laRki ka baap would do.
Dope, it’s good that you care but if you don’t plan to follow through with the rishta, you should back off. I would avoiding raising or creating any expectations.
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Great advice MQ.
Like Dope has already said he isn't in love (which is an absurd filmy notion considering they have just exchanged a few emails and barely know each other).
Just like every other rishta at this early stage, she is just another "nice" girl mama and papa have introduced. Nothing more, nothing less. It's Dope's call, he doesn't owe any favors but if he wished to make an emotional investment, that's his prerogative too.
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Just continuing where MQ left, i would strongly recommend that you keep her in loop about whats going on in your mind
To be honest, I didnt think it would matter if you REALLY wanted her, it is just a potential partner you are considering that is why you have second thoughts.
Regarding family problems, I seriuosly think that her family had the right to investigate and etc But we dont know to what degree your mother is pissed to. If it is solvable, fine.
Looks like you got two three fronts to tackle.
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My irrational advice as always. To be taken with a heavy dosage of sanity.
Detach yourself from this relationship if you want nothing from it. If a girl trust you with personal stuff esp in such a situation she is looking for something out of it. The large the emotional dependency the worse it will be for you all. You do her no favor by keeping her on the line as a friend. She is after all a human. She deserves to be told. I am guessing of course but she trusts you and depends on you for emotional comfort and support. What happens if you marry someone else? Emotional dependence is a very dangerous thing esp if you lose it.
Secondly consider the family angle. They are friends. Family friends at that so i suggest you make it very clear what you want in your mind and then go from there. Don't keep her tagging along. Having any emotional involvement with her from your side or hers is going to make this matter worse.
Also she has trusted you with a secret something she holds dear i feel like bitch slapping you across the internet for posting it on a public forum. The question to me is not one of ohh its the internet. Its one of trust. Do you think she would like this being discussed?
Let the girl down easy. Inform her of what you feel if it is anything. At the end of the day you have two questions:
- Do you want kids?
- Do you want her?
I think from all that has been said is that she can have kids with this process. So the question remains do you want her? You have to decide and you have to decide quickly. You do her a disservice and yourself by keeping an emotional attachment when you have no clue what you are going to do.
Plus i am gonna get on my high moral horse on this one and insult all you who said he owes her nothing. Utter bull****. There is an emotional bond there where i am betting he is happy. No woman in her right mind opens up about such information to a complete stranger. Think of it yourself.
Dope straighten this mess out. You like her or you don't. If you don't, be nice be gentle and end it.
And lastly - few men realise is that if a woman is dependent on you, emotionally most of all and you don't think you are leading her on you really need a reality check. Women in general do not confide in every tom dick and harry nor they rush to a guy to make them feel better unless there is something more to it. You ain't a girlfriend dope. You have a pair of testicles. Use them.
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Sorry, I ought to have given the source:
Sheehan, Michael T. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome: Diagnosis and Management. Clinical Medicine & Research (2004). Volume 2, Number 1: 13-27*.*
Good luck dope. Who cares what others think is right or wrong or "nice", morals are subjective and we all come here with our own biases.
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Whoa hold on there who said morals are subjective? I definitely want to clear up this modern day misconception about society and morality. New thread perhaps?
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I actually agree with CM on this one..
I read the thread earlier and was embarrassed for the girl.. actually hurt for her. This is personal information, and her trust is being abused.. bechari
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Of course they are, aside from the basics like: thou shall not kill. I bet you wouldn't do the same thing in a situation as I would.
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How is her trust being abused? It is an obligation to tell your future spouse any medical problems you have. If someone decides to end it there and then, that is an abuse of trust?
The same goes for when you are married. You have an obligation to offer divorce if you have male or female factor fertility. You should not expect the person to stick around because of "morals" or "niceness". It does not make a person any immoral if he or she decides to go for divorce.
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I beg to differ on that. Human emotions are just a series of chemical responses of the body. We all share the same genome and the same chemicals, thus the mixture to gain the response by an individual is easily possible. However lets discuss this meta-physically and not physically. I will start a new thread in general tomorrow. I need my beauty sleep now.
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obviously u need to discuss such issues with ur future spouse. But having ur personal information being posted on a public forum, i do think is an abusement (if thats even a word) of trust.. and im not at all suggesting he should go ahead and marry her..