My parents introduced me to her. She was one of the potential brides my parents were considering. Initial reaction from both sides were very conducive. We were both attracted to each other. Things were progressing smoothly. After the first, second and third chaparoned dates had taken place, the father made a blunder. Without my prior knowledge, he emailed (very detailed mentions of matrimonial concerns) my assistant at work to find out if i was lying about my job. Pissed, my mother called the whole thing off.
Long story short. we communicated via e-mail for a while as friends. She gained my trust, and opened up. She told me why her parents were so eager to get her married off. She has PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). She had to go thru surgery once to have them removed. She suffers from frequent abdominal pains. Now, i have done some research on it. And what I have found doesn’t conform to what she told me.
She told me: 1) That once she gets married and pregnant the problem will go away, 2) She will have no pain from taking part in intercourse, and of course 3) she will be able to have a baby.
Now, I am in a moral dilemma. I like her (not love yet, since we only met like three times), but i am scared to commit because of this problem she has. My mom, obviously, would never agree to it. I feel choked by the enormity of guilt.
I just want to hear from your experiences. I am more interested in knowing if you know anyone in your family or from your friends who had a similar condition and how it worked out for them. Is it something i should worry about? What would you do?
Best of luck, buddy. I don't have a clue to your situation. You see I don't butt in every issue. Only the ones I know have an answer for or I can put myself in their shoes.
What is there to be so ‘pissed’ about. Isn’t this normal procedure for the ladki walay to run a check on the prospective guy especially if both families are new to each other. Nothing to be so offended about.
Does your mom know about her medical condition? If you have told her, you prolly need to spend some more years at home with family. You are not ready for marriage yet.
Polycystic ovaries are common, sometimes due to weight problems and is sometimes genetic. It doesn't hurt and it is relatively easy to get pregnant using medication such as metformin, chlomid, or ivf. I never heard of an ovary being removed for this reason. Though I have heard of a section of an ovary being removed to stimulate ovulation.
I think that condition leads to infertility or at the very least, there is an increased susceptibility of becoming infertile. If you want kids, why bother, especially cuz you don't love her and because you think they violated your privacy.
It's not a moral dilemma, it's your prerogative. Relationships should not be built on "oh I am doing her a favor by marrying her", or "oh I am marrying her because it's the right thing to do".
Good questions. My family knows their family well. My father was friends with them for many years. For my parents, the email was a sign of distrust and disrespect (you know how old-timers are). Since I didnt know her well, i didn't go against my parents. It was afterall arranged by them, and not someone of my choice to go to bat for.
Also, it was embarrassing, because the company i worked for wsa very team-oriented, yet impersonal. We were packed like sardines. the email news spread like wildfire. Assistants gossiped. To americans the concept of arranged marriage is taboo and farcical. I wish he had contacted HR (that'd would be the proper channel) and saved me the trouble.
From what I know, you can get pregnant despite having polycystic ovaries. Its not that your ovaries don't work anymore - they just don't release the egg regularly...depends from individual to individual, but yes, it can lead to infertility...but I don't think that's common.
I wonder if she's telling you the truth about her ovaries?
*She had to go thru surgery once to have them removed. She suffers from frequent abdominal pains. Now, i have done some research on it. And what I have found doesn't conform to what she told me.
She told me: 1) That once she gets married and pregnant the problem will go away, 2) She will have no pain from taking part in intercourse, and of course 3) she will be able to have a baby. *
Surgery to REMOVE THE OVARIES? Dude, you can't get pregnant if you have no ovaries. Polycystic ovaries are not cancerous or tumors that you need to get rid of the ovary, from what little I know of it. I was afraid I had them, so I did some research on it. Getting married and getting pregnant doesn't remove the condition - pain during intercourse is irrelevant from what I know - and there is no guarantee she will be able to have a baby.
Seems like she's trying to catch what fish she can since she knows she might be infertile and that will dramatically decrease her chances of a rishtaa.
Maybe you and she should go to the doctor together and find out what the situation is. Take her to a doctor you know, maybe? I think her info is totally wrong.
Oh, and I think she can always get IVF done if worse comes to worst. Polycystic ovaries doesnt mean that her eggs are bad, or that they can't be pulled out surgically.
Ok so my brother in law got divorced and now finding another rishta has been really hard. All the people my mother in law finds, they always try to delay the "HAAN" to check about our family and stuff and ask around. I think this is expected because it will be his 2nd marriage.
So I think this is normal, but I her parents should have been clear to your parents that they were going to do their own background checks. But it seems weird as you say they are close friends, why the need?
dope if you're upset about the background checks, then why not just say what you said here to her father? All that about how your colleagues are making fun of you - arranged marriage, etc.
Thanks for all the info. The mentioning of "removal" was a freudian slip. I think it was a laparoscopic drilling. I am not sure why it is done. But i dont think her ovaries were removed. Well, thats what she told me. I will take your advice and take her to a doctor.
PCG: "Seems like she's trying to catch what fish she can since she knows she might be infertile and that will dramatically decrease her chances of a rishtaa."
I feel bad for her. And i agree with Sarah that marriage should not be based on pity or feeling of guilt. But just the thought that this (any type of medical sickness) could happen to me or anyone else makes it even harder to dismiss someone on that basis.
Background check: Honestly, i didnt have any problem with the idea of it. It's just that there are proper ways to do it. You just dont randomly call up the guy's job without his knowledge and discuss his marriage with his boss or assistant.
Ruiner: "But it seems weird as you say they are close friends, why the need?"
You are right. i dont know what kind of relationship my parents have with them. My mom is an "auntie" herself, and i cannot speak on her behalf.
Sarah S: Thanks you for your advice. Are you saying if you were in a similar situation, you would do the same thing?
PCOS happens because of hormonal imbalance. It is thought to be caused by an increase in the prolactin levels in the blood. Prolactin levels in the blood are controlled by hormones secreted by the Pituary gland at the back of the head and above the neck. Hence, there is a risk of tumors at that place. The tumors are mostly benign and can be removed surgically without leaving any side effects. There are other reasons as well. PCOS itself is not a cause of infertility. Infertility is coming from the harmonal imbalance, which causes irregular menstruation cycle and reduction in the release of eggs.
Pain in the abdomen should not be caused by PCOS, unless the ovaries have developed infections. Pain during intercourse?? It has nothing to do with PCOS.
There are many drugs for the treatment of this hormonal imbalance e.g., Dopergin. The success rate is very high and usually women can get pregnant with a couple of months of starting the medication. PCOS is a highly reversible condition if proper and regular medication is taken.
Dope as a friend (even if you don't plan to marry her), you must convince your friend to go see a doctor and go through a full check up. I can see she would be living in hell at this moment, wondering why in the world this has happened to her. Tell her it is curable and there are a large number of girls with this same condition. This condition is not going to go if she is going to sit on her problems and keep on weeping. It can only deteriorateby delaying the treatment.
Cheer her up. Show her light.
PM me if you want to know how I know these things.
I was only upset about the way it was done. my parents were upset about both, the way it was done and that it was done at all. These are supposedly my parents’ family friends, so i didnt want to butt in dealing with them. That was striclty my mother’s responsibility. Since i didnt have too much attachment (i only met her thrice), and when my mom said this was a breach of trust, I didnt question her decision. Needledd to say, it would be a different matter, if the girl was of my choice.
Thank you for all your information. It was extremenly helpful. I want to hound you with more questions later. I just realized how little i know about this, and how little she has told me. I will ask her more questions and find out. Thanks. Oh, she claims her abdominal pains could be as a result of UTI. Is it anyway linked to PCOS? Is UTI a common thing for women to have?
Dope. It depends on your feelings for her. Personally, if I would have been in such a situation and had I been in love with her, I would have married her for sure; NOT out of pity, but out of love. At your current position you can easily mix pity and love. That has the potential of ruining both of your lives at a later stage.
You know this is all interesting but truly for myself it boils down to two things.
One - the fact that the families are not seeing eye to eye. You and I both know that this is a potentially big problem especially in desi-land. You may have to make a decision on whether the girl is worth the years of aggravation you will incur by overruling the families.
Two - and this is so important to me, it would have stopped me from talking to her quickly, no matter how emotionally invested I am in her. I truly believe that to be in a relationship successfully with anyone, there must be absolute honesty. Everyone else in the world you do not owe anything to but a person who is a potential spouse or fiancee should be the one person you never ever lie to for any reason. In my eyes, she lied. If someone will lie about something like this, other things they will lie about also.
Medical problems can be things to overcome if you love her, but lies tend to last.
Seriously, your mother shouldn't have been ticked off...
They are giving their daughter to you, not their car...If they did a covert background check on you, and you had told them the truth in the first place, I don't see why all this hoopla?
I am not a Doctor, so I know from what I have read. UTI is a relatively common infection for married and pregnant females but is very easily curable with antibiotics. If not cured in time, it can play havocs on the kidneys and other internal organs. I don’t know much about its causes in females not having intercourse.
Yes! UTI can definitely cause pain inside the abdomen and during intercourse. PCOS is not linked to UTI.