Missing Someone..

Lifestyle Relationships
41

fairytale-she has moved on, she doesnt care about me

cherry-i have been dictched

And thnax but to the guys whor saying she thinks of me...yeh rite.....she doesnt take my msges or calls.... or birthday wishes...how the hell can such a perons be thinking of me.

Right.

But my mind is going mad thinking whyy she did it. And i cant get this question out of my head. I tried being pateint and busy for 1.5 years. but every single day i have thought of her.

My parents want me to marry somebody else. But i have to get her out of my mind first. I think ill have to confront her and fight it out or speak it out whatver.

I think im going to phone her and ask her what the hell she thought i was, some dummy she can love and dislove any time she likes.

and sorry people she is neither, and nobody in this forum or in this world is the type, who can always do the logical thing everytime and everywhere. We are born as humans with feelings which do not somtimes fade till we address them.
i have had enough of this girls tension now. im going to face her. i dont think there other cure, i might stay like this all my life, end up hating taking frustration out on other girls.

i dont want to end up like them crazy people who do wrong to every women just because one did wrong to them.

I cant see any better advice from you guys.

I think its better for me to talk to her direct, cos i dnt think it will release from my system...and until she does not realease from my system how can i marry another girl.
and if she has cheated me then, she deserves atleast this.

she has stayed silent and evasive of all my questions so far, so what does it implie. doesnt it show she is ashamed to answer them= she knows she did wrong.

i have stayed quiet for so long, i cant take it anymore. i think ill have to phone her soon.
I have her aunties/guardians number too, alternativly i could speak to them and cry it out, tell them how thier niece is taking the piss with diferent guys.

she had no parents and i supported her to get thru her hard times.
i just want to ask her if u dnt love ok, but how can you be so cheaply ungrateful for god sake.

I think i must speak to her.

i think im going to do this guys. cant see any other way.

Rehman Malik is biased - MQM
42

Do not talk to her and let her live her life. Nothing will happen to you if YOU do not want anything happen to you.

By the way sometimes guys get soooo much emotional in such relationships and then that tooooo much of romance and tooooooo much of emotional dialogues, even crying infront of gal n telling her that he will die without her etc etc... too are a big turn off for a gal. Excess has always been fatal , even if its excess of love.

Not saying that you have done above but if you have done then that can be a reason too.

43

Re: Missing Someone..

Omgg amir plzz DO NOT call her family!! I have to study right now, but i'm gonna come back and post my response! In the mean time stay FAR away from a phone.

shohar ki gumshudgi ki report....
44

i have never ever cried or lost my attitude infront of any girl.

i do get angry and emotional, and have contacted her/her relatives in this state but always spoken normally and calmly.

and now there is no turn-on, turn-off stage left.

Yes am going mad inside, and i cant think of any other alternative. But Why do girls think or belive that guys are mean to be super-humans. So it means you all can be sooby, cry-baby, rumbusterious, poseeive whatver all u want, but a guy cannot be even a bit, as if we are not human.
I never and do not intend to cry, sob, nor shout infront of people. But like other guys am still human and girls who expect to be us to be totally emotionless have excesive demands and expectations themself.

and i remember precisly when i was about to leave this girl once, she tried killing herself.
what about this?
after that thought wha a loyal friend she is, and after that i changed myself to suit her, and now when she does the same i cant tolerate it.
I so much trusted her, and this break of trust is what anoyes me most.

anyway

ill think i will phone her and have a serious.she cut my phone before, but this time i will be adamanent.

anyway i think il have to phone and end my frustrations with her, in order to then be saved from being frustrated on other girls and being called unmanly.

the reaosn why normally guys dont have many emotions is because usually they are the ones leaving dumping others and leaving with emotional pain and not vice-versa.

I wont phone her or her relatives now, but I am serious, and will do it later someday when im calm and at an appropriate time.

45

Brother i can understand your problem and your feelings, This is world which is full of mean and slefish people, who dont even bother about you wether you are dead or alive, you are lucky you got escaped from her.

You must know she dont care for you, if so then she wouldnt do that, most probably she was just luking some way to run, you gave her a chance to run and she ran away from you..

Amir bhai ye duniya hai pyare, yaha koi kisi ka nahi hota.. aap jis per aitbaar kero ge wo hi shakhs aap ko dang mare ga.. but main sahi baat kaho galati aap ki hai jis ne itna aitbaar kia aur wo bhi ase shakhs per jo aap ke aitbaar ke like hi nahi hai....

simple brother, kick her ass and let her go from your life forever .... aur aik baat use wo ban ker dikha do jo us ne socha hoo bass dekha na ho, taake ane wale kal per jab use pachtawa ho to us ke pass siwe pachtane ke aur kuch na ho. ....

nahi ho sakta to mere se rabta kerna PM main i will tell you what to do...

feel free i m your brother.. main in halaat se guzar chuka hoo so be strong buddy.. we all are with you ...

46

Alright i'm back form studying!

I agree with the fact that you need an explanation and closure from her for her actions. And if you call her(not her family) it will calm you down and just maybe let you move on. But here is the other side: what about her her husband? As far as i know from your posts, he does not know about you! So put yourself in his shoes and think how it feels when his wife's ex is calling her. Even if he does know about you, it still does not make a difference, because no man wants the ex calling his wife. And incase if he does get involved, he is not gonna care for your feeling since, he has no idea how much you love her, and what exactly she did to you.

Now as for her family. I know you said she has no parents. I want you to think about the pressure that puts on her family to get her married. Just for a second, think how this would effect you if you had a nieces and you were responsible for her being, just the way her parents would have want it! When its not your child, its gets very hard, and lots of pressures from society, because since she does not have real parents, anyone can take advantage of her. So forget her for a second, and think about her family, exactly what would happend to them if you call, and tell themm all that you wanna say! You have no idea what pressures they had, from other family members also.

** please understand, that i'm not in any way blaming you, and i DO think she should have never done something like this to you, because you really do sound like a great guy, but i'm showing you the other side!**

Now as for the girl herself. As someone said on here, that she still DOES think about you, and its true! I know some girls personally who are "happily" married but think about their true love from time to time. But they were too week to pick their love over their family. But now that she is married she just has to deal with that. Also what about the fact she talked to you for soo long, and you both had a relationship? A relationship can only build if there are two parties playing! And no one and i mean NO ONE can forget even the smallest relationship, it always comes back in your mind. Since you have no idea why any of this happend, you CONNOT assume that she didn't care about you. One thing is sure, SHE WAS ONE STUPID GIRL. Not so much for leaving you, but for not understanding that your just a human, and you needed closure! But anyway, if you do call her, what would you say to her? Because telling her that you still miss her and love her is out of the question. I will assume your gonna ask her what happend that she had to get married like that, which is fine! But always remember, she is a married woman, and nothing will change that, so don't try to be the "other guy." Now what if she does tell you what had happend, will you just say your last salaam to her and hang up? Will you have the earge to yell, or tell her you love her? what do you think?

What i'm about to say, your not gonna believe me, but give it a chance. One day ALLAH will give you a girl who will respect you in everyway and someone you will love 10x more then this one right now. She will pick up all the broken pieces. So don't ever think to not give another girl a chance, because right now thats your only hope. And remember ALLAH has saved you from a girl who could hurt you in the future, so don't deny that! Everything happens for a reason, and this has its own reason, and in some yrs you'll realize it. Until that time, you need to ask ALLAH to show you some sign, and to bring you your sanity back.

And remember recovery is one step at a time, and inshAllah soon you will start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Until that time don't forget every new day is a day closer to your goal, i know it does not mean much right now but soon it will, inshAllah!

47

gj badshah and gaia you both have been so thoughtful and given such caring and wise advice.
I appreciate the time you put into helping me.

what i confirm from gujars post is indeed she dissed me. that suspicion is confirmed.
how else how can a person say to another person who is mesaging them that they are going to kill themself, that 'oh dont do zaida drame'.

and this makes me angry...very angry.

gia i felt soyr for her and trusted her so mcuh becos she had lsot both parnets recently and i thougth someone who has gone thru so much pain can never put another thru it.
and also becos of the fcat she herself tried kiiling herself once after we hada fight and after that my faith in her went so high.

and yes i understand how her auntie etc would have wanted to get her married, and i thut initially that was the case, that her aunty found some guy and she had to obey her.
but that was not the case,im 99% sure. and she was an educated working profesionl girl who was not dependant on her aunty, and recently moved out anyway.

so the pressure from aunty thing is out of the equation.

but as u admitted, its the sudden dumping without any proper closure or explanations is what has left me stressed.

but i do remember right from the start of our relation when we were only friends she told me seriously that she is not a nice girl....maybe it was true.

about her hsuband...well..i have good feeling tht he doesnt knwo about her past and is a typical posseeive paki type.

well beccos of my mercy for her in this regard and stuff have been quiet and pateint till yet...but now i cant.
she v well knows me, and maybe is taking advnatge of this.
and i wont continue to be fooled again.

i dont intend to tell her husband her past, or cause trouble for her, but at the same time i do care about myself aswell.
i am going mad and i just must speak to her.
if her husband detects it, or somthing, what can i do.
i have had enough of being the worlds father teresa, not anymore.

its my right to demand and explantion from her thats all i know. i gave her so many chances to discreetly speak to me, to make upsomway...but she didnt

if i dont take out my frsutration on her i think it will remaiin inside be and otherwise coming out eventually on the rest of u female kind.

however some time back, she did give me some guys cell no, saying it was her husband whom i cud speak to whom she has told of me as a very good friend.
i did phone this guy, had a lil chat with him, i felt he was not her huuby but a cosin or friend who she wz trying to fool me.

the cell no she gave me was infact her own older second cell, maybe she forgot i had that too. if it really wa sher husband i dont know how de the hell she cud give it, cos she did have pasts b4 me too which i cud have disclosed.

wasey i dnt mean to cause any trouble.

all im simply going to pose her with is the question,

i just want to know that when you knew we loved each other sometime back, why did you not ask me b4 doing this.
you dont like it when people dump you, then what about others, and why did you not even give me a proper explanation when you knew how shocked i was, infact instead you left me to die.

....and ofcourse......although she told me that shes getting married b4 our break-up she never invited me to wedding.
---some friend.

you know day by day the more she holds me at distance i realise how bad she might actually have been.

and a lot of peolpe have hurt me i the past, who i have let go, and moved on,

but her i cant forget.

ive had enough people i think i will gather the courage soon and phone her with the intention for a proper chat.

im not gettng her out of my system. mi parnet s have found a gd rista for me, but this girl is in my head, who needs to be out b4 ne thing new.

if her husband find out that isnt my problme, why shud i take the blame. i have had enough mercy on her gave her enough chance, i even went to umra to pray to allah to make me forget her, but i cant.
all i ever asked her was come online for a little chat. is doing that cheating ur hsuband? i mean she is a 'broadminded girl' who has other male and fem friends she could just talk to me like another friend.

but maybe her husband finding out could be better for him too to know what kind of girl she really is.

i just cant beloive this happned. i did not expect it from her atleast.--here is a girl who has recently lost both parents ....wud anyone ever think such a sufferer could put another human thru same suferring?

i dont know if i really shud marry any girl after this though. and this is why i dont like pakistani people, they just greedy people, who alwsy aim to use anybody in anyway for thier own needs and befits..doesnt...matter if other guys end up bankcrupt..as long as you got ur benefit.
most of my own pakistani family anfd other pakis i know are also the same, so i think its a fair generalization.

sorry if it offends anybody.

anyway gia thnaks again for advice guja badhsha also for u. gujad thanks for pm offer, i think i wil do u. thanks again

But I will fone the girl soon at a planned and appropriate time.

48

Something like this happened to me with my female friends. Without giving me any reason at all they either stopped communication or they started to act negatively towards me. There was no fight, no reason from my side for their behaviour. All at the same time... Then, suddenly without ever explaining me why they had behaved like that, some of them wanted to be my friend again. I am willing to be their friend again too, but only if they first tell me honestly why they first suddenly without any reason all at the same time behaved negatively towards me, and then I want an explanation of why they now suddenly again wanted to be my friend, again without any reason. If they explain, if they tell me why, then I can forgive them and be their friend again. Besides, I'm so used now to being completely alone, I sometimes even live months with only my children as my only contact. I'm not much used to being around other people anymore. I don't really need them anymore.

I think you have to be able to live without other people. You have to learn to be happy on your own first, other people should only be the added happiness. If one of them goes away or starts behaving negatively with no reason at all or if someone dies, you should still be able to be happy without those people.

That is my strenghth. Perhaps because I was even lonely when I was growing up. Not much contact with family, not many friends, my parents used to dislike when I had non-Pakistani friends, there weren't many Pakistanis in our town, sometimes I had one Dutch friend which wasn't much liked at all by my parents, plus everyone used to tease me because I was the only one with shalwar kameez in my school and my neighbourhood. So as a child I've already learnt to live without other people. If someone wants to talk to me, I allow it, if I have internet, I talk to people, but I can very easily live without them. :)

I think that's why it's perhaps easier for me to say you can live without other people. In my case, it's as if it was forbidden to everyone to be my friend, because all at the same time, either stopped contact or started to behave openly negatively. But that's not enough to make me miserable. Only my marriage was enough to do that! After divorce, I haven't been miserable. :)

Anyway, that's my experience. A bit different from yours, but in some areas a little bit like your situation.

Try to become strong. What do you like to do in life? Focus on that. Do you like books, movies, do you have a job where you want to achieve something? There is too much to do and to enjoy in life to remain miserable. :) Do you like to visit fun or interesting places? I'm sure there is some place you'd like to go to or something you'd like to achieve in life.

Also try to think about the girls situations, maybe it was difficult for her to remain friends with you after her marriage because perhaps she still does care more about you and perhaps still has some feelings left for you which she wants to forget, perhaps she needs to distance herself from you to be able to focus completely on her marriage. Or perhaps her husband doesn't want her to remain friends with you. And if she really doesn't care about you anymore, well, forcing someones love or friendship wouldn't be nice. But you don't know what's going on in this case. Just focus on something you'd like to do and something you'd like to achieve. Learn to be happy without anyone first and see other people as possible additions to your happiness, not as the only possibilities of your happiness. :) Be there for other people, help them if possible, but protect yourself against any possible negative person.

49

thanks for your addition notorious.

although im not happy what u went thru its kind of comforting to c some can relate to me.
i also have ani aspects similar to you, i have never been sucha massive peoples person.

i like being independant and self-sufficent, i rely on nobody except allah and dnt like to take favours from people.

i have tried alll those things u sugested...for 1.5 years...but not a day goes past tht i dont thik about her and moreover what actually happned, what she never gave me respect in any explanation of breaking up.

this frustration is always at the back of my mind, and i know maybe she dsnt talk to me becos of her hsuband, but for mine and other peoples benefiot i will have to ask her one day.
i have ben enoug patient and gave her enough chances to liae with me discreetly.
she did not.
now i can not tolerate it, and she will get a very direct and straight forward contact from me. if her husbands notcies it...thats not my prpoblem...baut bardasht kar liya meine.

umra tak gaya is barose per allah uski soch mere demak se nikal de ga but no....
i am also going pakistan soon.

lot fo pple keep saying she probably also remembers me...how is this possible...when she once replied to me on my detah threat that:'zaidam drame na karo''

then i went quiet for many months to see if she checks on me...
8 months went by...she never called or checked....

doesnt this show she did not give a damn toss??

anyway..i will call her..im geting extrremly angry...how can a friend just leave u to die like
that

and if she has lied to her husband and in-laws about her past, which also included bf.s prior to me, then shes also deceiving them isnt she.

doesnt a perosn like this deserve to be exposed.

although i dont intend to do that..i am beginning to feel less care it if it does happen.

thanks guys for helping me

50

Re: Missing Someone..

Amir verry veryy slowly your thinking towards her is improving as compared to your first post :) I hope and INSHALLAH it will continue, so you can find some peace! :)

51

Personally, if someone doesn't want to be my friend, I respect the decision and move on.

And if that person one day wants to be my friend again, I won't allow friendship again until that person explains to me why the sudden negative behaviour before and why now again the sudden positive behaviour. I can still be friendly with that person, but without proper explanation there won't be a true friendship again.

Some people are not worth it to be sad about. Be sad about people that really are worth it. I am sad about one friend I had lost. She is the only one who I'm sometimes a bit sad about, she's worth it because her character was honest and kind.

Do whatever you think is better in your situation. Good luck and I hope you'll be happy again. :)

52

Amir,

What this girl did to you is WRONG. There is no doubt about that. And my intention is not to offend you but there are some points that I think you should consider:

1) Many people mature as they grow older. You ONLY knew this girl as a girlfriend. You do not know her as a WIFE. She might have been a horrible girlfriend........but she could be a GOOD and DECENT wife now. People have different styles of moving on. Some people are able to emotionally move on........and STILL keep contact with their ex's as friends. And there OTHER PEOPLE ......in fact MANY PEOPLE who prefer to move on completely without looking back...........without every contacting their ex again. Everybody is different. And our desi culture makes it even harder for women.

2) You asked doesn't she deserve to be exposed? Her marriage could potentially be destroyed if you expose her. Is that what you want? Will it make you happy? I find it VERY IRONIC that you have posted on SEVERAL THREADS about men and their "ghira". You have said MANY MANY MANY times that "men don't like their wives talking to other men."..... "Men don't want their wives working because they don't want them talking to other men." Have you forgotten your own word?????? Or do you only like to believe them when it suits your interests? You want your ex to talk to you...........don't you care about her husband's "ghira"??????? After all, her husband is a man....just like YOU.

3) You have a sister. Falling in "love" with someone is a very natural human emotion. To have such a natural emotion doesn't make somebody a bad person or Muslim. Let's say that YOUR SISTER had fallen in love with a guy. But for whatever reason, he relationship didn't work. And your sister got married to some other guy. Now your sister is HAPPILY MARRIED to another man. She has MOVED ON with her life and is happy. And then one her EX decides to call up YOUR SISTER and demands that she talk to him. I'm sure you wouldn't encourage such behavior.

4) I understand that you're hurt. And it is mainly because this girl left you hanging without giving you an explanation.......without providing you with closure. I STRONGLY believe in TALKING TO THE OTHER PERSON to find some relief and sanity. BUT.........BUT......BUT............at the same time...............you need to realize that the other person may not respond. You have the right to ask for an explanation.........BUT the OTHER PERSON.....is NOT OBLIGATED **to give you an explanation and you can't force her. And as a married Pakistani woman living in a strict society........she has the **RIGHT to avoid you to protect her marriage.

5) You said that you you think she deserves to be exposed to her husband. This girl's HUSBAND has NOTHING to do with her PAST RELATIONSHIP. This girl's husband IS NOT GOD, so she's not answerable to him. She's only answerable to Allah. This girl's husband is NOT THE JUDGE of her character. If you go to Islamic websites.........the experts even advise that a woman/man is not obligated to reveal their past relationships to their spouse. In fact, the experts even RECOMMEND that past relationships not be revealed. Because the past is the past. The past is between us and Allah. And when we ask forgiveness about our past...........then we are urged to move on from it. As long as this girl is CURRENTLY FAITHFUL to her husband......that is ALL that matters in their relationship.

6) It is obvious that this girl has played many games with you. She hasn't always been honest with you. So what guarantee do you have that she will be honest with you when you call her up???? There's not guarantee at all, she might lie or trick you again.

7) You said that the girl's aunti and relatives did not pressure her into dumping you. In that case........it can be assumed.........that the girl chose to dump you of her own free will. And there can be many reasons for this. Perhaps she simply fell out of love with you. This is possible and it happens. Maybe she had strong feelings for you before and then those strong feelings died down. Maybe one day she realized that she wanted something different in her life. Maybe she felt that her husband would make a better partner. Maybe she was doing all this "dont' leave me or I will die" drama as a time pass mind game. If you and her communicated mostly through the internet and telephone..........keep in mind that we can't see the other person's facial expressions on internet/or phone. The other person might be lying, or playing games..........and there's no way to tell. Perhaps there is a valid reason for why she left you...........but that doesn't mean she will tell you.

8) Even if she gave you an explanation, it may or may not heal you. At the end of the day, it is **YOUR RESPONSIBILITY **as an adult to move on with your life. I understand that moving on is painful and that it is easier said than done, BUT it's not impossible. One of the reasons why you think about this girl so much is because you don't have anyone else. And perhaps this girl doesn't contact you because she's busy and happy with her husband. Maybe if you had the right girl...........you wouldn't be thinking much about her either as you will be distracted and busy with a more positive personality. If your parents have picked a girl out for you........it would be to your advantage to check her out. This does not mean that you MUST marry her.........but just get to know the girl. Perhaps you will find that she is much prettier than your ex. Perhaps you will find that she is much more intelligent, respectful, funnier, exciting than your ex. Perhaps if she is the right match........you'll move on better with your life.

9) People say that the best revenge is being HAPPY. Perhaps your ex is currently happy as a wife in her marriage. And if you call her up and become emotional and say "You left me to die. I couldn't live without you." This will portray you as a guy who is weak and needy. Such comments don't even sound good coming from girls........TRUST ME. Even if a girl makes such emotional comments.........it doesn't sound good. These comments are best reserved for the bollywood movies. Because human psychology is such that we are attracted to confident individuals who show us that they are not needy. And we tend to get turned off by people who are too clingy. Doesn't matter if it's male or female. I've told you this a 100 times before. And now you are probably going to say that this girl also said she can't live without me. Honestly speaking..............this comment was eeeewww coming from her as well. The best revenge is to be happy. Go meet this girl your parents have found. Take the time to get to KNOW her. And marry her ONLY if you like her. Being happy is what will hut your ex. Because that will show her that you don't care about her anymore. Whining and complaining like a girl will show her that you still care about her. Also, in the end ALLAH takes better revenge than we can. So, live your life......and pray to Allah to compensate you for what you've been through. Perhaps that "compensation" is a better life partner.

53

That is very true. If you've only had one relationship, one marriage, you keep thinking about that experience, because that's the only experience you had. And when it's awful, it's difficult to forget, especially in cases when traumatic things had been done to you. But people who after the negative or really traumatic experiences get nicer experiences in life, move on easier. If you don't have a second marriage, or a relationship with a better person, then you do think about the only one you ever had, even if it was terrible and made you miserable.

54

Notoriuous and r.v thanks a lot for your posts.

r.v i agree with most of ur advice and understand you said it for my best, but I will clarify myself more in some parts:

the appealing confidence could also come when the proposing party dont care much about you. I wsih pple somtimes tried to think beyond another persons confidence.
I often notice that the less able or 'thicker' pple are also the more 'confident' ones somtimes as they have nt got the brains to think or realise how crap they really are...or the more confident one is the one who is is relaxed because he knows he is telling the other party what they would like to hear and it doesnt matter if in reality they r leing the **** out of themselves and dnt posess those ferraris, properties, degrees, fan-clubs they are bewildering the other party with.

Yes, i know showing the other you are happy is a good revenge, but r.v, recall when the other person will not know, how will they feel jealous?
and i know Allah tkes revenge, but the thing is i need it now.

yes i know i am going overbaord with this one girl a bit. i know everyone has life betrayels and dispointments, which i have had my fair share of before too, whcih were hard but with my logic and peservernace got over them.
But hope pple understand our weaknesses where somtimes certain things just stick with us, and no matter how hard we try they do not want to leave, or even subside.

and i think it is the TRUST i had on this girl, which is the thing i just cant cnvince myself out with.

I mean i trusted this girl more than my life...i belived anybody in thre world could but never ever she cud betray my trust....not becos of a love...but because t she had been thru the pain of lossing loved ones..she lost both parenst.

I still canot belive how such a experirenced sombody can put somebody else thru the same burden.
a possible answer wud be a really really evil and crooked person cud only, and sometimes i do think was she a devil in the form of an angel.

yes. enough of my blah blah.

thanks for advice though r.v

but i am going to speak to her soon...no sobbing, no shouting, no life stroy...

just confrontation.

55

Amir,

I thought it wouldn't be necessary for me to mention that in some situations a person's past needs to be shared with their spouse. I thought that you'd be smart enough to know that there was no need to mention this point.

Yes, in some cases......(let's say you have an STD......for example)........it's advisable to share your past with your spouse..............because your spouse will be directly affected by your past.

BUT..........in this scenario............the girl is not obligated to tell her husband about YOU. If this girl was married to you..........got divorced..........then married this guy...........in a situation like that I can understand if she tells her future husband that she was once married to you. But the relationship that you and her shared is not even valid in Islam. It's just a past mistake that does not affect the girl's husband. AS LONG AS SHE IS A GOOD WIFE AND IS FAITHFUL TO HIM........................she DOES NOT NEED TO EXPOSE HER PAST TO HIM. Regardless of the mixed opinions of the scholars..............this girl has not committed such a huge gunnah with you that she needs to expose her past to her husband. It's a simple concept....................and I ALREADY KNEW that you'd have problems with it.

People like to move on from their past. Many times the don't like to discuss their past because they don't want to relive their past. There are MANY MANY women and men who had past CRUSHES......past girlfriends..........and some of them choose to be honest about their past to their spouse............and others simply want to move on because they want to start a new life.

That is another simple concept you have trouble understanding. Her husband might be broadminded about many things..........but he may not be broadminded about his wife talking to her ex. Sometimes we don't know what issues we will be broadminded about if we have never been placed in those situations. Perhaps her husband is usually broadminded............and people might wrongly assume that he'll be broadminded about every single issue. But then he might surprise people by being very angry at the idea of his wife talking to her ex. Your assumption about his "broadmindedness" is a weak argument.

Secondly............people's opinions, beliefs, and decisions change as they grow older and enter new phases of their life. For example one might be very short-tempered before marriage............and then learns to become patient when he has children. It's not only attitudes that change, but so do decisions. Before marriage, perhaps this girl told you that she will continue to keep contact with you even after marriage. At that time she had no experience of being a wife...............she made such a hasty promise because she was thinking from the view of a single girl...........and not from the view of a wife. And maybe after marriage...........her views changed.............and she has realized that it is not appropriate for her to talk to you as she is a married woman.......and so she couldn't keep her promise. You can't blame her for breaking that promise. She's doing the right thing. It's not reasonable to expect that the the promise of an immature single girl..............will remain the same after she becomes a WIFE. The dynamics of her life have changed, Amir. Many peoples' views and beliefs change after marriage.

Why are u trying to get at telling me shes a good wife now?
Does it change the way she treated me?

This is a SILLY and unreasonable question and comment that you have made, Amir. OF COURSE....................it doesn't change the way that she treated you. All I'm saying is that..........she might have changed and become a better person......and good wife. And if she's currently a good and faithful wife to her husband....................that means that her past romantic life does not need to be exposed to her husband. And I know that once again you will REPEAT that you are not going to take any action to expose her. But at the same time........you shouldn't have the vengeful angry desire to expose her either.

You said that you gave this girl examples of "safe and suitable" times that she can call you........and that she still DID NOT CALL YOU. See..........that is a sign of her being a faithful wife. That is a sign that she doesn't want to talk to you. She simply want to live her married life in peace without opening up any doors from the past.

She said that "You messaged, you're alive" Yes, this was very rude of her. But at the same time..........it is a sign that she doesn't care about you. She has no desire to contact you or check up on you. After marriage, she's given enough hints through ignoring you and making harsh comments that she simply does not want to talk to you. She's married, her life has changed. She may be broadminded in many ways...........but she is STILL a desi wife living in a cruel desi society. Her top priority is her marriage and husband........NOT YOU! I know this sounds harsh and painful............but it's the truth.

You can contact her and ask her why she dumped you without reason. But there's a chance that she will either ignore you or be rude to you without offering an explanation. And that is a risk you'll have to be prepared for.

You asked how this girl who has suffered the loss of both parents inflict such pain on another person. Sometimes.........tragedies in life..........can make some people very tough-skinned. I've actually seen people like that who are not moved by another person's tears.......because they've been through many worse tragedies in their own life. And so, they've developed a thicker skin.

You said that what hurts you is that you trusted this girl so much and that you can't believe she broke your trust. I know it hurts. But you understand how it feels to break someone's trust. Right now............the top priority in her life is her husband............and she doesn't want to break his trust by talking to someone from a past that she's chosen to fully leave behind.

All I'm saying is that be prepared for the fact that you may not get the explanation you want from this girl because she's not obligated to give it and she doesn't want to resume contact with you. If this girl doesn't give you an answer or is rude..........you need to move on. Many times in life............we can't wait for the other person to help us move on.........we have to move on by ourselves. So.............get to know the girl your parents have picked out for you. You've prayed to Allah to help you move on. Maybe Allah is answering your prayers through this new rishta. I won't be surprised if you try to argue the above SIMPLE points that I've made. You'll more than likely vehemently defend your arguments. But sometimes emotions blind us from logic.......and we can't see the way that we're portraying ourselves to others. Anyhow I'm exhausted and don't plan to debate this issue any further. Best wishes.

Timepass - July 2013
56

No one's advice can change the way u feel, its only up to u to drag urself out of this. Heart breaks are only good if u r smart enough to learn from them.

57

Re: Missing Someone..

u'll forget her after u get married
in this case marriage will be ur cure-all

58

Re: Missing Someone..

You know R.V you are a good advisror, you are very inteligent, but i tell you it is a very easy job to sit there observe somebodies problem and tell them the logical thing to do.
You know although u may be more inteligent than most pple, even average inteligence pple most of the time do know the logical solutions to thier problems, and they may even have tried them, bt the thing is we poor human beings are also governed by feelings.

I apprecaite that all that r.v, your have given me a lot of new insight of how she may be intending to reform and move on, and especially how that could cause her not to give me a kind of reply i want/need.

I have tooken this all on-board.

But like i said earlier i may come across thick sometimes but im not.
I am planning my final encounter with her.
it will account for all factors.
It will be a calm but smart confrontation.

Thanks

R.V

but i do wish you also understud the fact that just because men are men, it does not mean they are super-humans, who never tire.
women shud stop expecting so much.

59

ughh... i m missing someone 2. but the person i m missing is a stubbrn idiot!!!!!

what are your roots?