Re: Men Helping with Chores
Guys should take part in household responsibilities and division of tasks should be according to the natural abilities of the couple. If the guy is a great cook then why can't he cook? Or if the wife is good at outdoors stuff and is quite strong why not?
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Well does it make one a better Muslim woman to do 100% of the cooking?
PCG...is he a better Muslim if he can provide for his family?
Why should a woman want to be with a man who can take care of her if she won't do the same? I am just curious because it seems a man's role is clearly defined as the breadwinner...come hell or high water...you will provide! But when it comes to the traditional role of a female...its an issue? Why the double standard?
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Well per the Quran there is a command for the man to provide , but there is no command for the woman to serve foods like a servant or cook or clean. Ironically the sunnah shows that the Prophet partook in even those tasks at home AND married his employer - her wealth was from her deceased husband. The prophet did not take it as an ego hit that his he and his wife economically survived because of her.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Although truthfully they did not live a lavish lifestyle. His ministry made them pretty poor and Khadijah (R) endured that and a lot more.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Per the Qur'an, a woman is also to be an obedient and dutiful wife. If the man wants a hot meal...how is that not fulfilling your Islamic responsibilities?
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Then you pair it up with Sunnah and ask yourself if there are any hadith demonstrating that the Prophet (SAW) ever ordered his wife around in the kitchen, and there aren't. In fact, the hadith posted in that article is completely opposite.
The foundation of the principle of a tradition woman defined as subservient in her household tasks is not one founded in Islam. Maybe in old hindu/subcontinent culture, but not Islam.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
I am not married..but i am resident... Mali, driver, Dhobi (apnay kapray ka) and grocery shopping karnay walla. I sometimes..wash dishes as well. I have lived by myself...so i have done everything. But now that..i am with family..my title is Mali and Driver.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Then you pair it up with Sunnah and ask yourself if there are any hadith demonstrating that the Prophet (SAW) ever ordered his wife around in the kitchen, and there aren't. In fact, the hadith posted in that article is completely opposite.
The foundation of the principle of a tradition woman defined as subservient in her household tasks is not one founded in Islam. Maybe in old hindu/subcontinent culture, but not Islam.
A marriage is a partnership PCG...what kind of partner would I be if I told my husband to get his food himself after being at work all day in order to provide a decent living for me and my kids? You're not competing with each other to see who can be more progressive...the world around you will always judge you even if you look like Cindy Crawford. Your attitude towards your partner should be one of kindness, care and concern for the other individual you're sharing a life with. If that is not your goal, why get married? Its a lot of trouble to take just to prove a point to the world, isn't it?
Our religion is a complete religion...there is no mystery here. If he's earning, you're taking care of the hearth and the home. That is your responsibility - not just your job. If your husband is doing his part and you think Allah swt will not question you as to why you didn't take care of someone who worked so hard to take care of you - you're wrong.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
And by the way, I am not saying men should not help around the house. I grew up watching my dad help my mom with everything in the house.
What I don't understand is...
Why does it make a woman less of a person if she does something for her family? Does it make a man less of a man to earn for his family?
Re: Men Helping with Chores
^yar lekin..larkyan asa nahi sochteen. If that is what you're saying..and if girls do think like that..half of all problems will be gone.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Pcg i havent really read any of the responses but reason behib men not helping is their upbringing.
Mostly men as young boys have their tasks/chores done for them. As they grow up it strts to embed in them that men arent supposed to do chores or enter kitchen cuz their sisters or mothers dont let them.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Where on this website have I ever said a man should do al his housework himself? I'm talking about helping around the house not doing everything while his wife snores away.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
came home and asked his wife if there is anything to eat. She said none. He said then he is going to fast’. came home and saw some meat coooking in the pot. He inquired (with the intention to eat some). Wife replied that the meat is a sadaqa meat which was donated to our maid (implying that because of Sadaqa, its prohibited for the Prophet). Prophet replied that Sadaqa was given to the maid, but she can gift some to me, and its ok.’I paraphrased, but you can google the full ahaadees. These ahaadees clearly show that Prophet expected his wives to be in charge of the kitchen. Yes he was polite, and we all should be polite to our spouses, but expectation from wife to take care of kitchen is sunnah.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Maybe he just didn't know how to cook? Is there something that says the woman MUST cook? In fact, the rule is if your wife asks for a maid to help with the housework, and you can afford it, you are obligated to get it for her. And is there a rule that forbids a man from entering the kitchen? What if you like to cook? My dad LOOOVES to mess around with new recipes. Is he less of a man because he helped or is he not a great muslim because he helps my mom cook a bulk of salan to last the week so the weekday work is light for both?
:-/
TLK, you must pair these hadith with the ones mentioned in the article, where the Prophet used to stitch his own clothes - darn, that's impressive.
What guy hems his shalwaar these days? It's either the wife, or it goes to the darzi.
I guess if you do a woman's work, you should get paid for it, like a formal cook or darzi, then. :-/ But if a woman does it, no payment, it's an inherent part of her job.
Slave labor it is.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
A marriage is a partnership PCG...what kind of partner would I be if I told my husband to get his food himself after being at work all day in order to provide a decent living for me and my kids? You're not competing with each other to see who can be more progressive...the world around you will always judge you even if you look like Cindy Crawford. Your attitude towards your partner should be one of kindness, care and concern for the other individual you're sharing a life with. If that is not your goal, why get married? Its a lot of trouble to take just to prove a point to the world, isn't it?
Our religion is a complete religion...there is no mystery here. If he's earning, you're taking care of the hearth and the home. That is your responsibility - not just your job. If your husband is doing his part and you think Allah swt will not question you as to why you didn't take care of someone who worked so hard to take care of you - you're wrong.
What about homes where both wife and husband are earners? Why do we not take those into account? I think the vast majority of western muslim households are like this to some extent these days.
And then by what you're saying, I guess, you are questioning the Rasul himself and how he managed his family? He used to work for his first wife, not the other way around. Whatever he ate, he ate from HER wealth after marriage. They both worked the business, and then he became 100% invested in spreading Islam. He ate what was available and shared with everyone, it was a very communal atmosphere, unlike our desi households. The wife did not have something on the table every day, in fact, recent hadith shared at my local mosque revealed that there were many a time where the Prophet would come home, and there was no food, except maybe some yogurt, and even that, he would share with hungry followers before he ate.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
^yar lekin..larkyan asa nahi sochteen. If that is what you're saying..and if girls do think like that..half of all problems will be gone.
Larki aisa sochay na sochay lekin shaadi ke baad jab her husband comes home from work and he's tired...vo aisa karegi zuroor.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
What about homes where both wife and husband are earners? Why do we not take those into account? I think the vast majority of western muslim households are like this to some extent these days.
And then by what you're saying, I guess, you are questioning the Rasul himself and how he managed his family? He used to work for his first wife, not the other way around. Whatever he ate, he ate from HER wealth after marriage. They both worked the business, and then he became 100% invested in spreading Islam. He ate what was available and shared with everyone, it was a very communal atmosphere, unlike our desi households. The wife did not have something on the table every day, in fact, recent hadith shared at my local mosque revealed that there were many a time where the Prophet would come home, and there was no food, except maybe some yogurt, and even that, he would share with hungry followers before he ate.
PCG...I don't think I am questioning our Prophet's way of life at all.
In fact, I am actually trying to learn from it.
The most important thing you've highlighted in your post is kindness He possessed towards His family, His followers and humanity. His examples teach us how to behave towards our spouses...they do not absolve women of all responsibilities towards their families. You're confusing the two.
As for dual income households...there are plenty of those and they seem to be working just fine. In my own family, its really simple. One of my sisters works as well as her husband. They usually plan their meals. Whoever gets home starts dinner and the other takes care of the cleaning. They share their chores and last I checked they still liked each other.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
long post warning.
I agree with many things you say PCG but i am going to disagree with some of what you said here. In many religions both Abrahamic and Dharmic women’s role is greater than it is portrayed. Obviously culture and society dictates women’s role being in the home but there have been many christian/indian/Hindu and Muslim examples that are contrary to that. The subcontinent has had female rulers from Razia Sultan to Rani lakshmibai, to female philosophers, to many thousands of hindu and sufi female saints/priests who never married, to the 700 female bodyguards guarding chandragupt maurya’s palace (chandragupta maurya existed thousands of years ago and was an Indian ruler who united all of the subcontinent) The Badass of the Week: Chandragupta Maurya The word shakti, meaning power in sanskrit, is feminine in nature and indicates that strength is a female quality. A word not found like that in many other cultures. Women were taught in ancient India and if they were of the warrior community they were taught defence and how to use spears.
Pakistani culture is not based only on Indian/Hindu/Christian culture. There are 3% minorities in Pakistan i hardly believe they have that much influence on culture. Pakistani culture is a mix of asian, arabic, persian etc cultures and colonialism. So perhaps it could be Arab or persian culture, why blame the subcontinent for things that are disagreeable. I mean even in those cultures there are positive aspects producing remarkable women like Shirin Ebadi, Iranian nobel prize winner, and Anousheh Ansari, first Iranian Muslim woman to go to the moon. If it has been negatively influenced by Indian/Hindu/Persian culture it has chosen the wrong parts. If Indian culture dictated a woman’s place to be the home there wouldn’t be so many working Indian mothers in the US. The worldwide Pepsi ceo, who was born and grew up in India, wouldn’t be a working mother if her culture was against it. At the same time women’s role of being nurturing is also commonly found in all cultures and it does not mean women are weak if they do household duties. So there is good and bad in every culture and no culture asks for women to only focus on household tasks. It is the individuals and their attitudes to women that make a difference and they can be of any religion or culture.
Not sure which Indian subcontinental women living in the US you have interacted with but no Indian woman i know who wants to work is locked to her kitchen or does not get help from her husband if she deserves it. Maybe in some village they are forced not to work and stay bound to the kitchen. No parent would let their daughter marry someone who does not respect her choice. At least that’s what they believe in my family. I don’t know any Indian guy who does not want a working wife or who doesn’t help out his wife. Maybe I just know many liberal minded men. Yes we have issues but that’s not one of them. Really never crossed my mind that desi guys like you describe exist. I think desi guys are generally quite open minded and it’s good not to rush in with assumptions. There are literally hundreds of millions of desi guys out there and none of us have interacted with even a drop of that amount so I don’t think generalisations can be made that are valid. Blaming an external society is not the answer. The solution is there within people themselves.
I’ll probably be 30 plus by the time i finish my studies and am working. Never dated a guy but had some rishta experiences on the online level including being cheated on yet i am not even worried about not finding a suitable guy and i don’t think you should either. I am confident i will find a good match, i have 100% belief in Allah(swt)/God that whatever is happening is for the best and confidence in getting it is 80% of the game. I know i will find a suitable guy. He might not be perfect but neither am I. Both of us will have the basic ingredients for a successful marriage and together, Insha’Allah, we’ll make a tasty cake. If I do not find someone it is not the end of the world. Perhaps my destiny had other better plans for me. Maybe I can spend that time and extra energy contributing to society setting up charities here in my adopted homeland or back home in India, maybe i can help fund an orphanage by fundraising events, maybe i can do work in India working on women’s health or selected other areas. Maybe i may meet someone in the process of doing that. If not, that is not the be all end all. Maybe I will have more time to take care of my parents in their old age.
My dad and brother do lot of the household chores around the house and take over our responsibilities when we do not have time or i am studying/spending time on gs(which i feel guilty about). My Pakistani friend’s husband helps her out with the majority of housework and cooking when she had to sit for exams. He is also very supportive of her studies and work even after marriage. So please really we should not generalise all desi guys there are many gems out there. Yes, desi guys have negative qualities, particular to them as do other species of guys, but they also have many positive qualities that we can focus on. In my opinion/experience, which i know i cannot use to generalise, they are loyal, generous, faithful and won’t leave a wife because she gained weight, got cancer or run after girls of different ethnicities. They believe in marriage lasting a lifetime, believe in sharing financial and key household decisions and friendship between spouses being important etc. Yes, in law issues are still a problem but quite a few have modernised and are not all tyrannical. Some even support the bahu continuing education and working her own hours after marriage. These are usually the ones who treat their bahu like daughters. It’s not common but there are examples to know that it exists. Obviously i cant generalise and maybe the ones in the US are not like that but this is from my experience.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
I'm not suggesting that a woman be absolved of duties. I'm suggesting that restricting a woman's duties to the household or imposing duties on her when she has a full time job herself is probably not how the Prophet would have done it.
If he wanted chai, and he lived today, I bet he would have made his chai himself instead of troubling his wife to make it for him, when any moron can put a tea bag in a cup and click 2 minutes on a microwave.
Re: Men Helping with Chores
Imposing things isn't good it should be talked about. If the guy demanded chai every second and was unreasonable about it is wrong but if it's a simple request of once a day and he likes the fact you are putting effort into 2 minutes of getting chai, or if it has become a routine i personally don't think it is a big deal. Similarly, if he was considerate enough and knew you liked to have something particular for lunch and he made it for you everyday, would you disagree with it saying i can easily make it or get lunch from cafeteria. Someone puts love into making something for someone it is appreciated even if it tastes really bad. My mum gets my dad water/snacks when he comes from work and my dad packs my mum and us fruit salad and stuffed roti for lunch before we go to class/work. It's not a demand though it is an appreciation that keeps it going. I bring my parents water/vegetable juices when they come home because i know it is healthy for them and they give me blessings. Nothing wrong with it. I like to see the smile light up their face. When i am studying and i have exams my younger brother brings me fruits, juice and food into my room and I do the same for him, despite him being younger, because i know it's in his best interest to have it otherwise he will forget and because i love him. That is reason enough.