Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
You two don't seem compatible one bit. Fighting over stupid shiizzle.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Your problem is really big and I honestly feel for you. You sacrificed so much for him, and I guess he cannot do that much for you.
Sadly, I do not have any tips to give you because you know your circumstances better, but I think before any big decision you take, try avoiding him if possible. If he does connect with you, then maybe you can sense where the relationship will take you and if he does not connect back with you, then I think the smart choice would be do maybe get a divorce.
You should be happy that your parents are with you, especially your dad. mashALLAH.
I do not understand how people change so quickly. That would be like a nightmare for me, but I wish you all the best and may ALLAH(swt) do whatever is best for you. Ameen
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
thank you chipotle and yanzala and everyone else. i am definitely asking my parents for advice but this is a sensitive matter that i cannot discuss with everyone around me.
i met him through common friends. i had known him for over 2 years before we married. he was in england, and he barely called his mother. the first time he added me in a conference call with his mother, i felt that his mother and i instantly clicked. i always called her after. even on her birthday, he went to watch movies with his friends and i called to wish her on our behalf. it's after he went to pakistan that he has changed. even in pakistan, he would be giving me tasaliyans outside but as soon as he came home to his mother, his attitude would change. they would have their 'discussions' behind closed doors and then he would start to blame me.
my mom called him and spoke to him today. he then called me and spoke to me for a few mins. he told me 'mujhay pata hai tumharay saath ziyadti hui hai'. he reminded me how things were never like this when he was in england and how things would be better when he would come here. he told me never to speak about his mother and sisters again. 'sab kuch apnay andar rakho' he said. he then asked me if i trusted him. i should have stayed quiet but i told him that i did not trust his promises anymore. he became abusive again and after a min i had to hang up.
i am considering divorce. my dad is with me but my mom wants me to give it some time. she wants me to wait for a couple of months. she keeps telling me to avoid talking to him too much. she told me that if he calls, just reply in 'hmmm' and then tell him that i am busy and hang up. she thinks that there is still hope but i somehow doubt it.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
And the fact that he has told you to keep all your issues/concerns to yourself and never discuss them with him.........fthat is counterproductive to developing trust in a relationship. I don't see why you think you should have stayed quiet when he asked if you trust him. What good is pretending going to do for either of you? Verbally abusing you when you open up to him about your feelings.....makes communication feel unsafe. How does that develop trust? It doesn't.
And playing hard to get....as your mom is suggesting....might make him curious about you or miss you for a while....but I don't know if it would really bring about a huge change in his mentality. He's already admitted that you been treated unjustly (ziyadati)...but even that guilty confession didn't change him....he just went on to verbally abuse you. It's just making one mistake after another.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
regretful,
What is the point of marriage? Why do people marry? I am asking you because according to what I was taught...people marry to find a life partner. Someone who can be there for them, share the many obstacles life will inevitably throw your way, cheer for you when you need them, be your anchor, support system, father to your children, someone who can be there to laugh with and also to wipe your tears when you cry.
If he tells you to keep your issues and problems to yourself...................what do you need HIM for?
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
^ I agree!
Reading that really depressed me. I do believe you when you say that he changed when he was in Pakistan. I know a lot of guys, including my own husband who behave different around their own family, sometimes it's minor, like they're alot more talkative/not as social with their family depending on their relationship, so that does happen. I highly suggest you seek a divorce, because what if it's too late once he comes to Canada. If his Mother has so much control over him, I'm sure he's going to eventually sponser her here along with the sisters and then it'll be back to the same situation as Pakistan.
Don't feel helpless, you Father is giving your support which is really good. I can't even imagin the stress you must be under right now, but think with a clear mind. First days of marriage are supposed to be the best days of your marriage, no one deserves to feel so misrable on such a special time in their life. Your husband is not going to change, because if he had any courage to do so it would have been then.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Alright I hate to be that one guy, but seriously look at all of you offering gems of advice listening to one side of the story. There's always two sides to every story, and all of you have mashallah already reached your conclusions and given your verdicts. Based on the story that all this innocent soul has seen is immense suffering and all her mother in law has done is evil in its purest form, and all her husband has done is torment and torture her. FFS!! Could it be a possibility that our lady friend here is a brat, she dived into a commitment without realizing what her responsibilities would be, has she tried being a good wife and a good daughter in law, has she been big headed and arrogant given how proud she is of her Canadian passport, could her husband be subject to stress given he has 5 sisters including one divorced sister and he is financially responsible for the family? Well I don't know none of that neither, but what I do find sickening is how all you ladies are knocking the piss out of the guy and his mother, and his family and are hellbent on proving what a lowlife nutless loser he is. Life is certainly not what this lady might have expected, and it is rather clear why that is the case i.e. the husband's situation. And well, may be this lady is right and they are a bunch of asses. But why couldn't she see any of that when she was dating the guy and visited his family? Anyway, just pointing out that before firing your rockets, at least take a broader view of the situation. This forum is like someone asking Dick Cheney for relationship advice.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
Agreed 110%…but we been saying this many times…this thing don’t get into the head of shrinks here 
…but o wait…you are a typical Pakistani man too…
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
The guy has issues that much is pretty clear. Being the only guy in a family of five sisters and a mother takes its toll. I think the guy just doesn't know how to handle this new relationship. But yeah, it boggles the mind, if the guy's family were such nutjobs and he was so spineless, it should've showed before marriage. This isn't even an arranged marriage where you'd have an excuse to fall back on.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
You reap what you sow. Seriously you are because you made a stupid decision and are now upset that it isn't a *bollywood movie? I am confused as to what don't you understand....
Divorce him. Move with your life. Spare him and his family please.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Oh blah blah. Girl bashes man, so you guys have to come to bash her.
It's not hard to read between the lines and see that there are ulterior motives. What mother says to her DIL a few days after marriage that the gifts were not sufficient?? Btw, this on top of not allowing rukhsati and given that we have established that nikkah is no more than engagement in Pakistani culture in the other thread, hence easy to break. And then tell hers son that he should marry his cousin. Not to mention the weird behaviour on the husband's part.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
thank you chipotle and yanzala and everyone else. i am definitely asking my parents for advice but this is a sensitive matter that i cannot discuss with everyone around me.
i met him through common friends. i had known him for over 2 years before we married. he was in england, and he barely called his mother. the first time he added me in a conference call with his mother, i felt that his mother and i instantly clicked. i always called her after. even on her birthday, he went to watch movies with his friends and i called to wish her on our behalf. it's after he went to pakistan that he has changed. even in pakistan, he would be giving me tasaliyans outside but as soon as he came home to his mother, his attitude would change. they would have their 'discussions' behind closed doors and then he would start to blame me.
my mom called him and spoke to him today. he then called me and spoke to me for a few mins. he told me 'mujhay pata hai tumharay saath ziyadti hui hai'. he reminded me how things were never like this when he was in england and how things would be better when he would come here. he told me never to speak about his mother and sisters again. 'sab kuch apnay andar rakho' he said. he then asked me if i trusted him. i should have stayed quiet but i told him that i did not trust his promises anymore. he became abusive again and after a min i had to hang up.
i am considering divorce. my dad is with me but my mom wants me to give it some time. she wants me to wait for a couple of months. she keeps telling me to avoid talking to him too much. she told me that if he calls, just reply in 'hmmm' and then tell him that i am busy and hang up. she thinks that there is still hope but i somehow doubt it.
By giving it more time and replying in 'hmm's' you're giving them more room to walk-all-over you again.. and treat you the way they have been treating you. Not talking to them or discussing options will make you both grow more distant.. marriage isn't about keeping everything to yourself if you have concerns, you also have the right to be vocal about them too.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
What does it mean to be a good wife and daughter in law? I dont understand this expectation of “shut up and deal with it”. Since when is it okay to be mean to your wife? Or is that just the desi way of doing things? Being a good daughter in law means taking BS for no reason? So in order to have a successful marriage, you need to be a silent sufferer for the first ten years and THEN reap the rewards by having a bone thrown your way now and then? The girl obviously doesnt want to end the marriage and hopes things will work out. Its not like she is running away from this, she actually wants him.
This isnt the 1920s anymore where a woman needs to marry for survival. You marry for love, compatibility and to have a family. Who needs an extra headache in their lives?
When people are alone they have no reason to have a spine. She is saying she never saw him interact in a family setting and thats where the issue is. He doesnt even realize what his mom is doing may be wrong.
:k:
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
If the 'LOVED" him so much...she would have atleast tried to tolerate 2,3,4 weeks.......if she can't even do that for the guy she is in "LOVE" with.......the guy is better off without her.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
^Ya and exactly how long would you tolerate your wifes family like that?? When she doesn’t want to spend time with you? Runs off with her mommy/ daddy leaving you alone? You both not having privacy? YA!
Also, lets not forget your mil telling you, you’re mother sucks, as what happened to this girl!
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Erm... she is isn't she? When you agree to get your son married you provide for the girl.. keeping in mind that she's left her own home and comfort to be with the guy she's chosen for herself. This family sounds indifferent to her, regardless of the issue there is NO reason to be mean and say things like 'keep it to your self'. The least she deserves is respect..not to be left alone at a hotel throughout the night and taking a shuttle to the airport.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
^Ya and exactly how long would you tolerate your wifes family like that??
I would happily tolerate any BS thrown my way if its for some time after which i move away from the wife's family to CANADA..
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Sounds good on a forum.. Nomi. ONLY on a forum...
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
If a woman insults a guy family like this guy did to this woman then the hypocritical guy would have thrown her out of the house at the FIRST chance.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Sounds good on a forum.. Nomi. ONLY on a forum...
hmm.....so do all the one sided sob stories posted here.....