-i was raised in canada. i have never been involved in any family politics ever. i have always spoken my mind, and never had to keep anything i didn’t like inside of me.
-he was my choice, studying in uk. he respected me and my family, we had lots of fights but loved each other too much and always made up. he is also the only son with 5 sisters (4 of which are elder; one is divorced) and one widowed mother.
-i had met his family before and i loved them, but i never met them with him. he was in england when i went to pakistan to meet them. i knew he loved his mother and i knew that he meant a lot to his mother but i never knew how they were really like with each other.
-we got nikah-fied a month ago in karachi. i have no family or friends in karachi and my siblings couldn’t come from canada so only my mom, dad, and 3 of my khalas attended from my side. his entire family (included extended family), neighbours, and friends attended (except his 3 mamoos from usa and one eldest sister from dubai).
-when i was in canada, he had promised me rukhsati even though his mom wanted nikah. when i got to pakistan he told me that his mom never agreed so we had to have a nikah.
-my parents paid for everything. my mom had sent his mom 1.5 lakh from canada for the hotel booking. she paid for my makeup, hair, photographer, 15000 for mehndi (including a few gajras and told them to put the rest towards their mehndi function as they were organizing it on their roof). she gave 1 lakh to his mother, asking her to give 10,000 each to all his sisters and getting a gift for herself for the remaining 50,000. she also gave 50,000 for his clothes. he got over 1 lakh in salamis from my family.
-my parents left for islamabad two days after the nikah. they did not want to leave me in karachi and i did not want to stay but his mom and him requested so much, and he even went as far as promising to take me to lahore and muree if my parents gave permission that i agreed to stay. i moved into his house the day my parents left.
-i asked my parents the next day and they said yes. they told his mom that we want to go and his mom said yes to them.
they live in a 2 bedroom house, where he sleeps on the couch in the living room, his mom and youngest sister share one bedroom and his elder (divorced) sister sleeps in the third. i snore at night and i feel extremely uncomfortable sleeping with other people, so i decided to sleep in the living room and he slept on the mattress on the floor in his mom’s room.
-i had a horrible time adjusting. i was bitten by machars all night (even through a chadar i had on me), i was sweating because of heat, their couch smelled funny and was extremely hard. the next morning i woke up and tried waking him up for breakfast but he kept on sleeping and i was left to my own devices for breakfast. i felt kinda awkward but i managed. they barely cooked at home and always ate out. my stomach was upset the entire time i lived with them because a) i am not used to eating outside food and b) because i am not used to eating out a lot in pakistan. whenever we went out his mom always kept calling to ask where we were. we never went out alone after dark because his mom wouldn’t let us because of kharaab halaat so she always went with us. despite all this i didn’t complain even once, because i was happy that i would get to spend some time with him in muree and lahore.
-on the fourth day after the nikah (my second day at his house), his mom sat me down and said a lot of **** about everything. she told me how my mom was not ‘baat ki pakki’ because my mom had make the commitment for the nikah first but later asked for rukhsati (even though it was her own son who promised me rukhsati), and then how my mom said that we would go to islamabad in the morning and return to karachi in the evening and later said that we would go to muree and lahore too (even though it was him who promised me that trip). she said that even if she becomes angry she hides it well and continues smiling but my mom can’t hide when my mom is angry because it shows on her face. she told me how my mom had given her 1 lakh rupees (50,000 for her daughters n 50,000 for her) but when her eldest daughter had gotten married in 1996 she had got some special suits made from india for everyone. she said that she didn’t even get anything made for 1 lakh for herself because she gave it all to her daughters as it wasn’t enough money. i had answers to every one of her points but i stayed quiet. we were leaving the next day for islamabad anyways, and then muree and then lahore so i didn’t let her talk bother me. later my husband told me to get ready because we were going bowling. he went and sat with his mom. his elder sister went in that room too and a bit later they closed the door. i just left and sat in the living room waiting for them to come out. they came out after an hour and we all went bowling. our flight to islamabad was at 7am the next morning so i kept telling him to hurry home as we still had to pack but he kept saying ok ok. we came home at 2am. his mom went to sleep. i asked him to tell me what to pack for him but he said to start my packing and then he would pack. i started packing in the suitcase that my dad had given me for both our clothes, but the suitcase turned out to be too small so i went to him and asked him if he had a bigger bag for both our clothes. he took me outside the room then and told me that he wasn’t going to muree or lahore with me. this was 3 am, 4 hours before my flight. i panicked at that time but he left me alone to go sleep. i did not sleep a wink that night. i cried so much that my eyes were red and swollen. he apologized to me later saying how his mom was like a ‘bacha’ whose heart he couldn’t break by going with me. i couldn’t understand that because it was his mom who had given me advice earlier that day about not taking gota wala kapra to muree because no one wore gota wala kapra there. he never told me before we went bowling because he knew it would ruin my mood. when they had closed the door for an hour, this is what they were discussing.
-when we got to islamabad, my parents became really worried to see me. i looked like i had come from a hospital. i cried so much at the airport when i saw my dad.
-he left in the evening. i was so sick that i was sleeping in my room. he asked my parents permission to see me alone and my mom told me to just walk into my room. he came inside, locked the door and woke me up. i was still crying so he told me that he would keep his promise to take me to lahore and muree. he said that he would come back to get me and then he would go everywhere with me. and then he left for karachi.
What a strange story. I don't know how the "gota wala kapra" relates to the change of plans......and I find it weird that all this crap should be endured just to go to Lahore and Muree.
Anyhow....Lahore and Murree are not even the issue here. Promising to take you to those two places....does not solve the problem. What you guys should be discussing is boundaries of relationships and how these conflicts should be managed by the two of you. Because this problem .......is still gonna be there after you get back from Lahore and Muree. If this is indeed a serious post and not trolling.....put your priorities in the right order. You can always take a trip....you can even take one to better places.....but work on tackling the root of the problem here.
-i was so upset in islamabad because i couldn't go out anywhere as my aunty and uncle are so old that they like staying at home and going to sleep at 8pm. my husband called my dad to ask him permission to bring me back to karachi with him. he promised my dad that he would give me a separate room, would spend a lot of time with me, would ask his mom to refrain from saying anything to me and if she or anyone else had any complaints they would tell my dad directly. my dad told him to treat me like a guest. i was only going to be there for 1.5 weeks so my dad asked him to pretend if they had to, but to be nice to me and keep my happy. he promised my dad that he would take care of me. the next day he came to islamabad and spent the day with me and at night we left for karachi.
-our flight was late so we reached karachi at midnight, and his house at 1am. when we got there his elder sister was there with her 3 kids. they were all sitting and talking. i was very sleepy so his mom told me (jahan dil chahta hai so jao, living room main sofay pay ya phir yahan zameen pay mattress daal do). my husband just put a mattress on the floor in the living room for me and i went to sleep there. the next week was a little ok, a little bad for me. my husband wouldn't spend much time with me. everytime we went out as a family, he would run after his older sis (who lived with us) like a puppy. he would sit with her, drink her jhootha when he didn't drink anyone else's, walk with her, talk to her, leaving me alone with the rest of his family. i don't mix in with people easily. it takes me a lot of time to make friends so i always felt lonely, miserable and left out when we went on family outings. i told him to spend a little time with me too but he said that since we only had our nikah done, he had to stay reserved with me. it got to a point where i started to become depressed. i started hating his elder sister because i couldn't understand why he was always with her and no one else. he would leave me alone at the dinner table to go sit on a jhoola with her. he would leave me behind at the beach alone to go walk up ahead alone with her. he would leave me alone in the swimming pool to teach her to swim. even if her and i ordered the same dish, he would take some from her plate but not mine. he would always call her when we went out alone. she was always there between us. i told him that i wanted to go back to islamabad. he booked my ticket for two days later. the next day i asked him to come sit with me and eat dinner. he refused because he wanted to sit on the bed and eat on the same plate with his sister. it upset me so much that i told him 'aapkay pairon main mehndi lagi hai jo aap wahan aa kar nahi kha saktay'. he told me to shut up and i left the room without eating. i asked him to please speak with me for 5 mins alone. he didn't leave that room. i sent his younger sister there asking her to please ask him to come to the living room for 5 mins. she came back saying 'ammi keh rahi hain k wahan kamray main aa k baat karain'. i couldn't control my tears so i went outside his apartment. i know i made a mistake but i didn't want to cry infront of his youngest sister who had come into the living room and since it was 1am, everyone from his building was asleep. he came out after me and told me to come in. i lashed out at him saying how he didn't come to speak to me earlier then why was he coming now? when he tried to grab my arm i told him to go to his divorced sister. my dad called just then and i cried and cried and cried. my dad talked to his mom and his mom told my dad that he hadn't taught his daughter how to behave in susral. my dad told her that i was there as a guest not a bahu and to please get my ticket for islamabad changed to the next day. i slept in the living room couch that day. the next morning no one asked me for breakfast. he came in at 12 noon and took me to the airport. i got the ticket for the flight at 1pm. he left for his home and i went inside the airport.
-i started vomiting in the waiting area so the attendants told me that it would be better if i changed my flight to the next day. i agreed and called my parents and told them that i wanted to go stay that night in the hotel. i told my parents not to tell my sasu maa. my husband called me then and asked me where i was. i was getting my ticket changed at that time and he heard and called my parents. they told him what had happened but asked him not to tell his mom. i was going to take the hotel van to the hotel but he came to pick me up. he took me to the hotel, booked me a room and stayed for over 2 hours with me. his mom and sister called in between but he ignored their calls. he kept telling me that had he known how depressed i would become in pakistan, he would have never called me here. later he left promising to return at night with dinner.
-night came but he didn't. i called him and he became verbally abusive saying how his mom knew i was at the hotel. apparently his elder sister's colleague's younger sister worked at the hotel and she had told his elder sister as soon as we had checked in. his mom was upset and angry at me and hated me. i spent the night alone and the next morning took the van to the airport because he did not come to drop me off.
lahore and muree aren't the issue. the issues are
1) his making promises to me and then breaking them
2) him not taking a stand for me even though it was a love marriage
3) him acting not taking a stand for himself infront of his mother
let me finish the last part and then hopefully it'll be clear.
I know that Lahore and Muree aren't the issue. But what I was trying to say is that your husband seems to think that taking you to Lahore and Muree will resolve the problem and will make you feel better. That's just a temporary fix...and it's not going to solve the real issues that you've listed. You and him both need to discuss the three concerns you've listed. Also....you mentioned a few times in your post that you stayed quiet because you were looking forward to this trip with him...so what I meant about prioritizing is that....the bigger and more serious issues shouldn't be ignored or tolerated for a smaller gain. They need to be addressed at some point.
Please don't bash "him being a Pakistani". This story has nothing to do about Pakistan but your families and lack of/miscommunication, etc. Now why you didn't want the MIL to know that you are sick and have changed your flight?
-i spent the remaining few days in islamabad in misery. i had to pretend infront of my khala that everything was well in karachi. my mom would call me and i would pretend that it was him. my mom wanted me to do that because it had not even been two weeks since my nikah and she did not want my khala to think k abhi say ghar ujaar diya ...
-i called him once and he verbally abused me. he said that his mom wanted us to separate. his mom had told him that he was better off marrying his mamoo's daughter.
-when i spoke to his mom she told me that he would not support me unless she told him to. his mom told me that she made decisions for him and that his promises meant nothing. my return flight to karachi was from karachi and my two bags were still in their house so i asked her if it was ok with her if i spent my last day at their house and left from there. she said k daikhain gay and hung up.
-when i asked him the same question he said that i could take the taxi and asked his chowkidar to get me my bags from upstairs.
-my dad called his mom then and sorted things out. they agreed to bring me to their house.
-i spent my last day there quietly. at night i asked him if he could come alone to drop me off at the airport. he said that his mom had already told him that she was coming and he couldn't do anything about it. at the airport i asked his mom if she wanted to sit in the car but she said no. she stood between the two of us the entire time. i couldn't say goodbye to him properly so i left without even looking at him for more than a second.
-it has been 2 weeks since i came back to canada. i called to tell him that i reached here safely. i even called his mom and talked to her for a bit. i called him a few times about the documents for immigration but he kept ignoring it. it came to a point where i got upset with him and told him that he was immature and not responsible. he told me k mujh say jitna baat karta hai main utna sir pay charti hoon. that argument was a week ago. we haven't spoken since then. i still love him a lot but i regret marrying him. i don't know if there is even a way to make things right between us now. my dad has told me that if i want a divorce, he would support me. but it hasn't even been two months since our wedding, and i feel that maybe i should try to do everything to save our marriage. maybe he would be the same old charming man when he comes here away from his family? i really need to know how to handle this situation, considering how the man i married is a typical pakistani male ...
Please don't bash "him being a Pakistani". This story has nothing to do about Pakistan but your families and lack of/miscommunication, etc. Now why you didn't want the MIL to know that you are sick and have changed your flight?
Anyway, your story is all very confusing.
it has a lot to do with him being a pakistani. his mother controls his life. she steers the boat of his life. he is 26 and married yet she makes decisions for him and he lets her.
he never appreciated the fact that i came from so far for him. i left my home, my family, my lifestyle behind for him. i lost my new job that i had started in january because i had to take a month off for this nikah. i have been running after lawyers trying to get his case submitted but his mother gave the nikah nama to lord knows who for translation and he doesn't have the guts to tell her to get it back.
he is making me feel guilty as if he did me a favour by marrying me, and he is doing me a favour by coming to canada. he swears at me, he tells me that his mom is right no matter even if she is wrong.
my education doesn't matter to him. i must stay quiet and endure. i must never speak my mind. no matter what anyone says to me, i must cry it out alone but never speak back to him.
these are some traits of a pakistani man. i thought he was different but after nikah he has totally changed. or maybe i just never knew him well enough before i married him ...
I know that Lahore and Muree aren't the issue. But what I was trying to say is that your husband seems to think that taking you to Lahore and Muree will resolve the problem and will make you feel better. That's just a temporary fix...and it's not going to solve the real issues that you've listed. You and him both need to discuss the three concerns you've listed. Also....you mentioned a few times in your post that you stayed quiet because you were looking forward to this trip with him...so what I meant about prioritizing is that....the bigger and more serious issues shouldn't be ignored or tolerated for a smaller gain. They need to be addressed at some point.
redvelvet, i have tried addressing these issues. if i even say the word 'your mother' he gets angry and starts abusing me. he told me that his mom can never be wrong. i am not allowed to say anything about his mom. when i tried discussing the promises he had made me he told me 'bhaar main jain tumharay promises'. when i told him that he needs to stand up for himself, only he should make decisions for him and i, he told me k apni auqaat main raho. how can i address these issues then?
maybe, but the fact remains, i married a guy who was raised in pakistan … i just want to know how to properly discuss these things and make things right without him getting offended over everything i say.
it has a lot to do with him being a pakistani. his mother controls his life. she steers the boat of his life. he is 26 and married yet she makes decisions for him and he lets her.
he never appreciated the fact that i came from so far for him. i left my home, my family, my lifestyle behind for him. i lost my new job that i had started in january because i had to take a month off for this nikah. i have been running after lawyers trying to get his case submitted but his mother gave the nikah nama to lord knows who for translation and he doesn't have the guts to tell her to get it back.
he is making me feel guilty as if he did me a favour by marrying me, and he is doing me a favour by coming to canada. he swears at me, he tells me that his mom is right no matter even if she is wrong.
my education doesn't matter to him. i must stay quiet and endure. i must never speak my mind. no matter what anyone says to me, i must cry it out alone but never speak back to him.
these are some traits of a pakistani man. i thought he was different but after nikah he has totally changed. or maybe i just never knew him well enough before i married him ...
Well I can give you 10k examples of indian mothers doing the same, bangladeshi mothers doing the same, american/canadian mothers doing the same, so yeah it has nothing to do with him being pakistani. Stop blaming Pakistan. It has to do why the way both sides handled things and apparently everyone knows a different story. Nothing seems to be consistent on both sides.
So his mom wanted him to marry his cousin instead of you and he is fine with that? Does he not love you?
By the way, don’t take anyones advice here seriously and ask your parents and other trusted people you know for advice as they know your situation better.
yeah his nationality has nothing to do with whatever happened. As it appear she herself confused desi settled in kaynada pretending to be all kanadiyan.
it is a fact. i did marry a pakistani man. he is from pakistan so he is a pakistani.
unos, my parents have left it on me. they have told me to think about it. they are not giving any advice because they said that i married a man of my choice and i must decided on my own whether to stay with him or move on. my dad thinks that he may change when he is here but my mom keeps saying how iklota betas are always like this, and how his mom would never stop controlling his life and he would always let her.
You can change habits but you cannot change tarbiyat.
His mother has raised him in a way where it will be very difficult for him to become independent. He will come here after marrying you, eventually his mother and the entire paltan will follow. How far do you think you will run before they catch up to you? And when they do, do you think your husband will somehow miraculously grow a pair to stand up for you? Its unlikely.
The only way I see this marriage working is with A LOT of patience from your side. By patience I dont mean the kind you need to wait for your husband to change...I mean the kind you need when your husband wont change but you love him so much you cant let go. You need to accept your position as third in line - after his mother and sister. You need to understand how she has raised him since he is her only son. If she didnt raise him this way, she would risk losing him to his future wife. How would she manage otherwise with daughters to marry off and a household to run? In order to be with him, you will have to accept. There is no fighting here or struggle. Its for you to understand.
