I am sorry but my patriotism never let me ignore these words “Typical Pakistani Men”. Why even Pakistani girl (born and bred in foreign country) thinks that Pakistani men are some kind of Hitler or JALAD. No wonder western people thing that Pakistani men are very dominating and bad people which they are not actually. Being a Pakistani ABCD’s should not mention these words to Gora’s like “my life is a mess because i have married a TYPICAL PAKISTANI MAN” and “i am not allowed to do this because my husband or father is TYPICAL PAKISTANI MAN”
I know its off topic but as i told you i can’t bardasht any bad words for my home country and the people who live here.
I think the 1st mistake they made was send huge amount of money to ILs to organize and for gifts, etc.
It sounds that they did not have clear conversations of what is exactly going to happen and how, both with the guy and his family.
It also seems like the guy is not really interested in the marriage, I am not sure what his motive was. If he wanted the Canadian sponsorship, he'd certainly not mess things up, so of course that was not the motive.
The OP said they had lot of fights before marriage which itself is a red flag.
I don't think the OP will get anything out of such an abusive relationship. It is better to get out of it now and move on.
Marriage is not a joke and neither is divorce so it’s not as easy as saying ok things are not working, let’s just take a divorce :halo:. I wish things were that simple.
The guy lacks a “therao” = balanced behavior and i wonder why. I feel there is some info missing here. I am not saying the OP is lying here but sometimes we are too engrossed in feeling/thinking what we are going thru and forget what the other must also be feeling. I am really confused on the guy’s behavior. Either he needs to see a shrink or the situation is not as clear as it is being shared here. Otherwise how can he be all caring at one time and turn all selfish otherwise.
The guy probably spends more time with his sister because she’s divorced and perhaps needs the emotional support? Not saying that he should ignore you for it but this is what happens when you are unable to balance your relationships. If he woud have spend more time with you, i am sure she would have felt that. Weird.
What does the guy want now? Have a open talk with him, let him know your reservation about this relationship and see how he feels and take it from there.
^ well the deal is that OP is going to spend rest of her life with him so even if we are seeing the things from her perspective it's valid enough because if she is seeing things that way now she will be seeings things that way even after 10 years from now. Our judgement really doesn't matter here because we aren't here to judge who is right or wrong we are only here to suggest what should OP do according to the situations.
And if you read her post from the beginning, she had tons of fights with him before he didn't really change all of sudden it was OP who over look those fights because of the *love but now since she have experienced a taste of real life she is rethinking her judgements about him.
I think you should give it a chance till you husband comes to Canada and starts living with you. When you two live without his family nearby, may be he gets a bit attached to you and then he also does his part in saving this marriage. Of course you will have to show a lot of patience and try to be a nice daughter to his mom. When he and his mom will see your behaviour towards them, hopefully, they will start to take you seriously and consider you as a family member. Its not always easy that we change people's attitude with our good behaviour and nature but at least we can try.
Going for divorce without giving it a try may have you feeling regretful for the whole of your life and you may think in the future that you could give your husband one last chance.
Actually Ashy its a real life not a drama where girl spends her life as a MAZLOOM bahu and at last her in laws change "Beti tum ney tu humari ankhein khul din, aj sey tum meri betiyun jaisi ho"
Some women have dominating nature. They control everyone's life around her. These type of people never change. So don't expect that they will change one day.
What really matters here is husband. Regretful should talk to her husband about her problems and then take final decision.
I don't see what the fuss is about. Mashallah you are Canadian, you have a Canadian passport and all that glitter and gold that goes with it, get yourself a new bloke, just make sure he is not Pakistani. Those bastrds are all messed up in the head, and their houses are infested with machars and mothers.
Actually Ashy its a real life not a drama where girl spends her life as a MAZLOOM bahu and at last her in laws change "Beti tum ney tu humari ankhein khul din, aj sey tum meri betiyun jaisi ho"
Some women have dominating nature. They control everyone's life around her. These type of people never change. So don't expect that they will change one day.
What really matters here is husband. Regretful should talk to her husband about her problems and then take final decision.
You are soooo right.
And she said she did talk to him but as a response he end up taunting even more and varbaly abused her (at least she felt that way and that us all that matters) which shows he is not open to discussion and he might never be.
Just read your whole story and I have to say my heart goes out for you. This is a really sad situation, but alhamdulillah you still have your family's support and time to sort it out. I'd suggest going for really long walks in beautiful natural surroundings. Find a lake or a river or something and sit there for a while. Watch the sunset over the horizon. I know it sounds a little bizarre but trust me, the beauty in Allah's creation will give you peace and strength and help clear your mind.
Then once you've feel a little more peaceful and at ease, take a prayer mat, read istikhara and just sit there for a long time. Think about what you want in life. If you want this guy, then yeh you can have him.. but it'll come with a lot of sacrifices in your daily life. Do you have the inner strength to endure a lifetime with a personality as dominating as his mother? Honey, don't ever think she'll change... she's always going to affect your relationship with your husband.
Personally, I'm scared for you if you go ahead with it. A lifetime spent with these type of people is enough to make a beautiful girl like you really very bitter inside.
It's not this guys fault.. It's just the life he has to live..
I've been through love and I know how the pain is enough to suffocate your heart.. But as emotionally attached you might be to him now, with time it will fade away. There are guys out there who'll love you soo much, without putting you through all this anguish.
Take my advice: sit alone on a prayer mat and think it through.
thank you all for your supportive words, it does mean a lot.
-i did see his house before marriage. he was in england at the time and they had a bigger apartment where he had his own room. they apparently sold that house and moved into a smaller one. i knew that they had moved but i did not know that he did not have any room of his own anymore. i never even thought to ask because it never crossed my mind. when my dad complained about giving me some space his mom said 'ghar tou isko yehi dikhaya tha, tou ab kiya masla hai' when in reality it was a different house that i had seen.
-we had arguments before but they were mostly over stupid things. i liked his mother before marriage. i used to call her more often than he did. she talked to me as a daughter but i guess it was because she never had a fear of me taking her son away?
-she is EXTREMELY possessive about her son. when we were looking at wedding photos she told me that i should consider myself lucky that i got such a handsome husband. the tone she used made me feel like i was not pretty enough for her son. she never let us sit alone together. we were once sitting in the living room filling out his forms when his youngest sister came saying how his mom was telling him 'bohot ho gaya so jain baki kal kar laina'. everytime we went out his mom would call and ask a lot of questions. most of the times she would go out with us.
-on two occasions he sympathized with me. when he was leaving for karachi after dropping me off at islamabad the first time, he held me for quite long and kept telling me how he was sorry and how he would fulfill his promises. and then when he dropped me off at the hotel from the airport, he held me then too and kept saying how he was sorry and if he had known that this is what would happen to me in pakistan, he would have never let me come to pakistan in the first place. the funny thing about the second time is that as soon as he got home and found out that his mom knew that i was staying in the hotel, he totally changed. he started blaming me for everything. i had never asked him to bring me to the hotel or stay there with me. he had done it all off his own free will yet he kept saying that he did it as a courtesy. he said how he 'discussed things with his mother' and she wanted us to separate.
-i am unable to discuss anything with him. i never say anything bad about his mother but it doesn't matter because i am not allowed to even mention his mother or sister. when i told him that after marriage the man must take responsibility for his wife not his mom, he got angry. he has told me countless times that even if his mom is wrong, he would take her side.
-he wanted immigration at first. my parents had just asked for an engagement but his mom insisted upon nikah saying how engagements are considered bad luck in their family. he insisted upon nikah because he was considering settling down in canada. even before nikah his mom had asked my dad to give them a list of documents needed for his immigration. i don't know what happened in pakistan later because he told me that his mom did not want him to go to canada anymore. i had asked him for the documents saying that at least we could submit them and then if he did not want to come here he did not have to. it has been a little over a month and he has not even sent me a nikah nama, let alone any other documents. he keeps making excuses about how the molvi hasn't translated it properly, how his mom will ask the molvi etc etc. i don't know what is going on with it anymore because i haven't talked to him in over a week.
-my mom even mentioned once that my dad is worried that after coming to canada and getting his pr he may divorce me. my dad hasn't said anything directly to me but from what i have seen, it may be possible that his mom tells him to separate and from what i have seen so far, he would leave even his kids if his mom tells him to.
-one of his married elder sister had once told me that he has two women in his life and he is finding it difficult to make them both happy at the same time so he is only making one happy while ignoring the other's happiness. it is obvious which woman he is making happy.i wouldn't even care if he made her happy as long as he showed me a little support. it is just a fact that knowing what his mother did was wrong and knowing what he is doing is wrong, he continues to blame me and make me feel guilty.
-i don't know if there is a method that i can use to discuss things with him. i have considered talking to his elder sister who had tried giving me some advice but i am worried that she may go tell his mom and make matters worse. she was nice to me but i can't bring myself to trust anyone at this point. i cannot talk to him over the phone. he would never let me get my word in without getting angry to becoming abusive as soon as i mention his family. i am thinking of maybe writing him a long letter and then waiting a bit for his response, and then making my final decision?
Don't write him a letter.. in some unknown twisted way it'll come back to haunt you.. Especially if his mother gets hold of it..
Though it's up to you I'd tell your parents to inform their family of a divorce. No need to give any explanation. The only person who it really concerns i.e. your husband already damn well knows the explanation. Then cut him and his family from your life completely. They're bound to come crawling back somehow, but just ignore them. It sounds harsh but sometimes you have to be cold.
(I'm saying this because your posts show that you're seriously considering a divorce, right?)
it has a lot to do with our culture. why are we bothered by that?
I completely agree. Do we see any other culture with so many MIL/SIL/ALL-IL stories? (except for India of course, but we're all the same, considering Pakistan came from there).
This is always the main concern before every Pakistani marriage. How will the girl be treated? Will she have a nice MIL? Will her husband support her? You know, the typical drama!
I completely agree. Do we see any other culture with so many MIL/SIL/ALL-IL stories? (except for India of course, but we're all the same, considering Pakistan came from there).
This is always the main concern before every Pakistani marriage. How will the girl be treated? Will she have a nice MIL? Will her husband support her? You know, the typical!
My non desi friends are always bemused at all this crap.. and I think quite relieved that they're not part of it (to the same extent)..
What the OP should actually do is send a link of this thread to her husband... then watch the drama explode...
I think his SIL/MIL etc. don't even matter, he's the problem. Its him who you have to spend the rest of your life with, not your in laws. But it looks to me like he's incredibly attached and dependent on them and you cannot change their behaviour and he will always take their cues from them. Saying maybe when he gets away from his family he might change is a pretty big risk IMO. This isn't a phase he's going through or something, its his personality so unless he willingly decides there's something wrong with the way he behaves and actively works hard to change this, he will always be influenced by his mother, who clearly is not the most reasonable of women.
I really feel for you regretful as you have a very difficult decision to make but I hope you will look at the situation rationally and figure out what you are willing to live with/give up to stay in this marriage, because realistically I don't think any of these problems will ever go away. Instead it will be up to you to compromise on them and whether that is something you want to do, only you can decide that. Praying for you.
I think his SIL/MIL etc. don't even matter, he's the problem. Its him who you have to spend the rest of your life with, not your in laws.
when you get married, you marry the whole family, not the just the husband, good or bad, this is how it is in our culture, so yes the problem is about all of them, and the source of the problem is his family, not just himself.
unfortunately, there are so many people like his mother, and she'll always be in the picture, so it would be extremely naive to think anything like "if he comes to canada things will change" no, because you can't keep her away from her son
don't lose your pride and self respect girl, you become very vulnerable when you're in love, keep yourself busy, find some new activities or hobbies, don't call them and see how they react, even though it could take weeks. if you try to talk to them they're gonna feel like they have some sort of power over you and they gonna take advantage of that; whatever their plan is. if it helps, erase their numbers from your phone it will keep you from calling them.
i hope you find someone who respects you and that he can marry his mamou's daughter and maybe all of them will sleep in the same bed (him, his mum, his divorced sister and his wife) and eat in the same thali.
You know I am in a similar situation but not at such an extreme. From what I know, men consider their family sacred, and if you want to be part of his love and affection you need to be as devoted to his "sacred" family, as he is. He will love a million times more, trust me. I am in the process of realization myself. No matter how wrong they are, how right you are...it just does not matter. It's his family and it's sacred. DON'T MESS! That's pretty much the idea here, now when we constantly bring up the family as the evil monster, you keep triggering the same behaviour out of him.
Now please listen up, if you really want to save this. Stop the complaining, nagging and bickering about his family. Instead start talking about ALL if ANY positives that happened. Tell him wow your mom is amazing, she is so sweet. You need to realize if you want to be part of his love, you have to cherish his family ten folds more than he does.
That's how it goes. O yes and make plenty of dua's and istikhara.
^ Respecting the in laws is one thing. But in this situation, with such extreme personalities, to do what you suggest is derogatory, humiliating and enough to shatter a girl's self confidence. Let her live in freedom.
