Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

1) i assume and then based on the assumption make a scenario and talk about it... the guppans can and have right to agree or disagree!!! i am nor forcing something on them.. just baking my assumptions!!

2) The real-world here means desi-world and i think most of the guppans are from US/Canada or land far far away, where they are not in the desi-business anymore so most of their experience is with the foreign lands and not with the desi-lands and the thought process...

3) in that case, husband should not let his wife stat with the her parents!!! period!!! if you have done nikkah, take your wife with you..

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …

  1. Jahaiz/Dowry is first RISHWAT parents of the girls pay
  2. Clothes and other items is 2nd RIshwat parents of the girls pay
  3. Every time they visit their daughter, they had to get them something ( fruit at least) is another Rishwat they pay
  4. When their daughter is pregnant with the baby ---- they had to take their daughter to their home, take all the care ( pay the medical bills) till the baby is 40 days old… is another form of Rishwat parent of the girls pay
  5. On the death of FIL/BIL/MIL of their daughter, they had to arrange for all the food and other stuff… that is another Rishwat they pay for being the parents of a girl
  6. if girls husband is not settled, they the parents/brothers of the girl have to do something to settle him in his life… is another RISHWAT they pay
  7. They have to put 7 course meal for the 100s of BARATIES on the wedding day, is another RISHWAT they had to pay…
    8)The gold sets, are something which they had to pay to their daughter is not counted as part of DOWRY/JAHAIZ… is something they had to pay… not to mention the gold/diamond sets/ring they have to GIFT to the MIL/SIL and FIL/SIL… this is another RISHWAT what they have to pay…

there are many more forms of RISHWAT which girls parent pays during their lifetime… and all of them are customs and if anyone tries deny them, the people like us, don’t let them do it… so RISHWAT is there, one way or other…

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …

Great Comparison… Ok you are not confused.. Happy?

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …

Hanibal…you’re not filling in for Diwana, are you? :no:

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

dont apply for his visa till things have sorted out. If he is doing this to you now trust me he will be worst after getting visa.
so wait and resolve issues before applying for his visa....

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …

he and CM are on leave, aren’t they ?

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Jahaiz/Dowry is something I am severely against and I would never even consider a family that seemed greedy. Furnishing a MAN's home is like telling the girl she didnt marry a man...she married a liability.

Clothes and jewelry parents give their daughters for THEM to use is not rishwat...those are gifts given out of love.

I dont think its bad to give gifts of some sort to the inlaws on their daughter's wedding. It is after all a joyous occasion BUT they dont need to be gold sets or anything.

Its stupid to have to bribe a man's family to be good to a woman...why bother keeping a man like that around? Get rid of him because he will turn into - like I said before - a liability in the future.

Jab tak saas ka pait bhara rahega...larki khush rahegi. The minute the guy's family needs something they will start treating the girl like dirt as a way of begging for money. THAT is ridiculous and should NOT be tolerated at any cost. People like that are parasites in our society and end up destroying the family at some point regardless of how much you give them.

It will never stop at one thing...zindagi bhar ki mushkil kyun palay insaan? Jab dekho, haat phay laye kharay hongay ke ab humko ye chahiye varna hum apki beti ka gala daba dengay. Who needs that kind of museebat on their hands?

I think this girl needs to let her husband go so he can take care of his sisters and mother. He cannot be married at this point in time. To top it all off, she doesnt realize that HE needs HER...she doesnt need him.

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Ok so after you have had your nikkah and are married......you are not allowed to stay with your parents???

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Nop but I am glad you have nothing else to say, which is what I suspected :)

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

This discussion of nikah and rukhsati will not conclude anywhere.

Rukhsati has NO significance in Islam although it has great significance in our culture. Its lack of importance in Islam should NOT be debated. We can debate its importance in our society but this will lead us nowhere.

If a person/ family gives importance to rukhsati, its their preference and choice. We should not judge them on this basis. This should be left on the personal choice and preference and if girl/ guy has any problem with this, they should discuss this matter with their elders and try to convince them. Our personal views can be implemented only in our case. But we should be able to respect others preferences.

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

**It's only personal preference if the couple themselves choose to stay apart till rukhsati, not when parents (or anyone else) force them to, **that's more like oppression..

If couples want to live together/not together it should be** their** choice. This so-called tradition is slightly different from a lot of others in that it's blatantly trying to turn something halal into haram.. (unlike for ex an engagement ring which in itself isn't generally considered haram by a lot of scholars, those things are more about 'personal preference' than forcing ur son and dil to live apart after nikah)..

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Deeba, has nicely put what I have posted countless times now. This isn't even something to do with how Islamic you are, what you do and don't do in terms of practice. It's a simple fact of ensuring that religion does not get lost in culture and tradition. If you consider yourself a Muslim before anything else at least.

I have come across plenty of Pakistani aunties who believe a rukhsati is essential before the couple can be together. Just like the common misconception that Walima is farz or has to be done after consummation. And it's very effectively being passed onto the next generation.

Too bad some posters have a hard time comprehending something so simple.

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Well said. InshAllah I will encourage my next generation to meet with their spouses after nikah and before ruksati. We need the religious people to start doing that openly to get rid of the misconception.

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

I don't know why we are discussing my parents paying for his sister's wedding or giving rishwat. They have another daughter of their own to marry off so why would they go around paying for my husband's sister's wedding? I doubt my husband would let them pay either because he did not marry me for immigration or money. If he had, he would have treated me nicely and never refused to send me his documents because his mom 'didn't want him to go to canada anymore'. He has never asked me for monetary help ever. He has gone through some tough times and he has shared all his money related problems with me in the past but has never accepted a single penny from me. Infact, what comes as a surprise is that he didn't even know exactly how much money my mom had given his mother. Thanks to my mom, we had a discussion last night and I told him how my mom had even gone as far as to give 35000 rupees to add to mehndi's kharcha which was hosted by them) but he apparently didn't know that. He did not even know that my mom had given money to his mom for his sherwani or that I had paid 30000 rupees extra from my pocket to his mother for the photographer because the photographer was asking for more money because 'my family' got too many pictures taken. He told me that he would ask his mom about these things.

As for his verbal abuse, he was never like that for the two years that I knew him when he was living in England. Since he has gone to Pakistan he has started swearing and abusing but he told me that he has been mentally stressed out. I don't know if this is just temporary or forever but for now we have decided that I will not apply for his immigration yet. He needs to take care of his responsibility towards his sisters first because I don't want him to come here and expect me to send my salary back home to fulfill his family's never ending needs. He also needs to work on his mental stress issues related to some serious abuse he has put me through. I have plans to study further while he does whatever he needs to in order to get his sisters married off and then we will decide what we want to do. This gives him time to learn to stand up for himself infront of his mother and gives me time to think about what I really want and whether I am able/willing to do what it takes to get it.

I really want to thank everyone for their input. Reading all your comments has helped me analyze my situation from so many different angles. I was so emotionally traumatized when I posted here the first time and nothing was making sense to me, but now I feel that I have a much better understanding of everything that has happened. I have made a decision based on my understanding of the issues and my intuition and I really pray that this time I have chosen the right path.

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

I think you've taken the right decision. I regret that I didn't when I was in the same situation. Unfortunally nobody supported me. But now I've taken my decision, I think it's never too late. My hubby and my IL made my life miserable. I couldn't handle it coz I was very weak at that time. Atleast I thought that I was weak. He always thought that I couldn't leave him coz of the socalled izzat/bissati. My life is much better now than a few months ago. I will never ever will wait for any support from anyone coz I think it's good to stand behind my own decision. He has changed a lot since I'm pregnant. In the beginning of my pregnancy i regretted to be pregnant of his child. Now I feel happy. Finally some sunshine in my dark life. He's very supportive and helpful now. I don't know if I will be able to love him. But finally my life is Alhamdoelillah much better.

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Iksa and Regret, I am happy for both of you. It's wonderful that you (regret) are taking time away from each other to sort and analyse things over. I am glad you are giving this another chance. May Allah make it easier for you and your husband. I am sure he will come around and gain a lot of respect for what he has put you through (they eventually do if they truly love you). My husband (we only have our nikkah done) understands that he will have to balance his family and me eventually, but he told me he's not ready yet with all the studying and responsibilities. So I gave him his space, he respects me for that.

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

if girl stay with her parents and his husband stays with her as well, then he is called Gher-Jawaí...

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

you are not happy when i say you are confused, you are not happy when i say you are not confused..women and there confusion ( i don't know your gender here but you sound like typical women)

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

I think you have a good decision. All the very best. :)

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Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Dowry is something who have lots of haters but everyone seems to have a go for it... specially in Indo-Pak Culture here people tends burn their DIL/Wife if her parents do not pay sufficient dowry... we can hate it as much as we want, but truth is, it is in out blood to practice it and always accept it...even if we say that we are against it....

trust me, in majority of the houses, apart from the qualification and character of the girl, Dowry plays important role to decide the fate of the girl... to me it is like buying a DULHA and i believe that the amount of dowry is directly proportional to level of Bay-GHairaiti certain families or boys...

This is how it started... it was for the daughter and now it is more than that.. they have to do it.. it is not matter of choice any more.... Gold has to be there and girl should have fancy dresses ( both are expensive as hell)


well, don't you think it is joyous occasion for boy's parent as well.... seldom they offer any gift to the in-laws of there son.. i wonder why?

not that i disagree with you, but most of our domestic-stories revolves around this LIABILITY of today and future...


for some reason, the number of parasites are high and they try to CONVERT people, during the peak of the financial crisis, one of our neighbor came to my MOM and ADVISED her to ask my wife to get her brothers help me out by paying for my losses... well when my MOM rejected the idea calling it rubbish, that neighbor got furious and said, no wonder you people are suffering, I have 3 DILs and have asked them to go back to their houses only to return with XYZ...since that day, we are no longer in the good books of most of our neighbors because they think we are making them look like a cheap....

No body wants that, no body ask for that, it is the weakness of the character which have thrown us at this level... it is because we consider the our daughters, sisters as a liability to start with, we do not feed them much, we only want them to be educated because it will be a help marrying them... when MARRYING a daughter /sister is the only goal, then paying for her marriage is what turn out to be a life-time exercise...

Yup that is what i suggested her as first option, she don't need her and he certainly have other responsibilities to look into... the RISHWAT Suggestion was there only because if the Girl thinks that she cannot live without him and may cry to death if he leaves her... she should know how much that would/could cost her parents..

Moreover, let the father do the talking and not the girl as she after all this is still trying to reconcile with him...