Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
What else is new? ;)
I heard Zulqarnain just came back...rolleyes
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
^ :D
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
parents feel they have the right when they are financially taking care of the girl and the girl is still living with them. If the girl was to live with husband it wasnt an issue i suppose for them.
now this is not my personal opinion but what i understand from elder ppl’s pov.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
So the fact that the parents did what they felt was convenient for everyone involved (the guys family doesn't have to travel and their entire family can attend, while they can afford to have the nikkah in KHI) was wrong of them?
cmon the MIL sits her down 4 days after the nikkah to complain about money and you're saying the guys family should have spent the money to travel anyways? I bet you if the nikkah had taken place in ISL, there would have been complaints that they made them spend soooooo much money, and their relatives couldn't even attend.
May be the girls parent have done it to save the trouble and embarrassment for the guys family, and out in the little brains of the guys family they knew this, may be that is why this all Sitting-on-4th-day happened, just to let the girls know that she is not only the rich and wealthy one, other relatives they have are more generous when it comes to this kind of things... purely a psychological thing, which she have to come over...
Look at her situation, she (MIL) belongs to Lower-Middle-Class, they live in 2 bedroom apartment, and she have daughters waiting for resources to get married... contrary to the girl who is from Canada, whose parent can pay hefty amount and can travel half the world to get their daughter engaged/nikkafied or whatever... she is bound to have this inferiority complex.... if she (MIL) didn't get it, then she should be a Waliyah....
Believe it or not, this is root of many problems in Pakistani society...
And I guarantee that if she was mingling with the sisters, they would have thought she was being too "free" and anything she said and did would later be used against her.
nothing is guaranteed, obviously not mixing with the sisters didn't do her any favors... all she could do is try and mix.. that doesn't mean to open urself to someone, it is just let them talk about whatever they want and you pretend that you are very much interested... that is it...
Let me get this straight, in order to win him over, the girls father should be financing his son-in-law's sister's wedding?!
this is last thing they should do, and i said it because after looking at their behavior, where the guy have so many responsibilities, this is only way she can save the marriage ( only if she thinks it is worth saving)
First of all, just because they are in Canada doesn't mean they're made of money that they can do that! and if you have to go through so much expense and tension to win a person over hten that person isn't even worth it!
no that i said it, but this what people in Pakistan think... whoever lives out of Pakistan is considered made of money and the relatives back in Pakistan just call them up whenever they need any monetary assistance... somehow people living in Pakistan thinks that in other countries ( developed) money-plant is a plant where the leaves are made of US$...
Also I guarantee that none of this would make any difference.
you offer so many guarantee, are you sure you are not in used-car sales profession? or in IT business??
And also, what kind of beigharat laug would even accept that someone else aside from their family member is paying for their wedding!
there are lots of beigharat laug across the country... these people are not out of the world...
Frankly, there is no point in saying "you should have done this or that" because there are people who no matter what you do or say, they will find ways to make life miserable for you.....it comes down to character and these ppl don't seem to have any good character at all.
it take two to destroy a marriage and it takes two to make it work... so each party have certain dos and donts. so there are things one should do and there are things one ought to do... and character thing should have been figured out in two years of dating.... not in 3 days after nikkah....
This woman is not being fair to her own son either! at least he's trying to think about his future, but thsi stupid woman spent it all on a gold set when she knew she has a home to run. Having a son doesn't mean you get an automatic ticket to heaven that you can go around abusing ppl and making life hell for everyone else!
keep yourself in the woman (MIL) shoes, she have only one bread-winner and she have to marry her daughter which without heavy dowry and loads if gold would be next to impossible, it is easy to call names to any one and call them baigharat but when it comes to actual maths, many BA-Ghairat like us close prefer to look at other side...
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
^ 
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
Are you suggesting that mother in law is right if she expects her DIL to arrange heavy dowry for her daughter?? 
Did DIL sign any stamp paper and agreed to arrange heavy dowry for her SIL?
Its MIL and husbands responsibility to take care of these matters arrange things not DIL. If they their daughter marriage is depending on amount of dowry then i can only say that “Tit for Tat”. Lalchi logoon k saath aisa hi hona chahye. Every MIL should be good with her DIL as they have daughters as well and you never know what will happen with them and DIL should be good with their MIL as they have brothers as well. If you do good with your MIL then your SIL will be good with your mother.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Hanibal, you're basically saying that the girl's family paying for the Nikah in Karachi probably hurt the ego of the guy's mom and sisters. You say that his family could argue that he has worked in the UK and can handle the wedding expense. You used the words "stormed in" for the girl and her family.....as if their desire to pay for the wedding and make things easier "lowers" the groom's family.
there are certain things you do not do unless you are asked to do it as a favor... apparently girls family did it because they thought it would be convenient for Guys family... and not because they were asked to do it, hence it is not a favor.. it is storming when argument/reason for separation would start... that is why i said that guy side can use it as an argument.. otherwise, do you think they will say that* ya, the girl and her family were real nice people, they saved us lots of leg-work and expenses, they traveled across half the world and it was us who messed things up... *trust me it they were to say something like this, we won't be having this thread in the 1st place...
Then let me ask you this..........by the SAME reasoning that you've put forth..........wouldn't it also be "embarrassing" for the guy and his family to have the girl's father finance his sister's wedding? Couldn't that also be like a blow to their ego? Couldn't the guy argue that "Yeh meri behn hai...us ki shadi ka kharcha main khud utha satka hoon"?
in that case, this would be the scenario, the girls family would finance the wedding of guys sister, and then the boy would fly to Canada, he may find a job there and then he offers to return the "Debt" which of course if the father of the girl took back would be a life time taunting for girl from her MIL and if they say no we don't want it back, then the MIL would say, ya they helped, but my son paid them back...
You've made a contradiction. Moreover, people pay for the wedding of their children...but to finance it for their in-laws......to even make that assumption so easily is preposterous. Who does that so easily and willingly? Not many people. Living and working abroad whether it's the UK or Canada doesn't automatically mean that a person is made out of money. Apnay bacho k liye karna is one thing....kisi aur k liye.....not that easy.
I don't know which world you women live in, there are lots of things happening left, right and center, lots of things we may not like but if we look at the root of the problem then there lives somebody's misery or something which makes someone behave the way the MIL behaved, she have only one bread-winner, she have her daughters to be married, they are not well-off and the cultural or whatever you may call it doesn't allow daughters to work and/or even if the work they won't be able to PAY the hefty amount of dowry and wedding arrangement, which for most of you women is just a formality and if someone do not do it then they are worst sinner of all...
This girl who dated two years, knew nothing about the behaviour of the boy and his mama, who are not here to tell there side of the story but she find out almost everything evil about them in just 2/3 days of staying with them... which part of her story should we believe, one part says that they were perfect for 2 years, good enough to be married and other part says that in 3/4 days they have proven themselves as master of evils??? was she right then? or is she right now??? technically it is called post-purchase-dishonesty, where when one buys anything they start hating it so much for the small or non-existent reasons which can be nothing but the imagination....
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
I would recommend you to read the whole thread, as it is not been asked by the GUY side to pay anything for their daughters wedding… they are obiviously working something out and may be that is why MIL do not want this relation to continue…
No body here can say anything which is guaranteed ( other than Sara) as we don’t know anything about the whole story, we know only one thing that the guy is from Lower-Middle-Class and he is only bread-winner for the family and have responsibility to get enough money/resources for her sister’s wedding… and for that, many guys in middle-class normally do not marry until their sisters are married or they found someone who can help them…
One thing is for sure, the guy is not the gold-digger here… as if he is, then he approach would have been different…
the reason i threw the proposal of financing his sister’s wedding is because that can be a deal-breaker…
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
well i think same about u, that you are dead-cofuse despite me trying to explain things to you.. but never mind… i won’t argue with someone who just like to live in black or white.. and thinks that gray area in the life and society does not exist…
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
The longest thread in Life1 I have seen so far!
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
All in all, i would say that the masters of this life and relationship sections know very little about the real life and relationship... all they know is why somebody is not fit for them but they didn't seem to have clue that relationship is something which need to continuous maintenance on both side... the women of these sections normally things that what is good in there little world should be good for the people living in totally different society and have totally different set of problems...
Girls and Guys who think that love-marriage and dating before marriage is guarantees successful marriage can learn from the OP.. who dated this guy for 2 years and then right after 3/4 days of marriage or some unfortunate events she decided made the conclusion that this guy is not fit for him because his Mom is not good, because he cares for his divorced sister, because he calls his mom to make her break-fast while on bed....
Life is not bed of roses and even if it is, there there thorns with the roses, and the couple have to work together to pick them out... here when it comes to thorns picking or sharing some responsibility then comes out the cry from the typical materialistic society that why one should pay for others... and this typical society people are the very first to sob on the suffering of the same girl... and again would be 1st to state that run from the guy because he have responsibility ( like have widow mom, a sister to be married etc) ignoring the part that they themselves are going to be a responsibility of their husband...
Here in this thread, the guy side have not asked for anything yet, none is trying to identify the root of the MIL's behaviour, and yes everyone is there to say that she is masters of all EVIL and the OP is the most oppressed women on the planet...
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
I know mothers who expect many favours from their DILs families which is definitely wrong. This is one of the negatives of our society that DILs are expected to bring dowry and the in-laws expect all sorts of gifts and favours from the DILs side. I even know a mom-in-law who is after her DIL to get the proposals for her daughter for one of DILs male cousins.
Although it is unspoken at the time of proposal but moms think that the DILs family know the in-laws family problems and issues and should do their best to solve them IF they want to keep their daughter happy at in-laws. If a girls side is accepting a proposal for a guy with 5 unmarried sisters, it is considered an acceptance for solving all the problems of in-laws. This is the jaahil soch of our society.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
hanibal.
You speak with so much assurance. Its great that you feel passionate about what you say HOWEVER dont you think the fact that the majority of people (some very respected guppans) are disagreeing with you is saying something about what you are saying?
You cannot say that people dont know about the real world as they themselves have so many experiences and talk from personal experience to offer the best advice.
ALSO
NIKKAH=husband and wife END OF STORY
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
I still disagree…like someone else said you’re basically paying rishwat to have your daughter stay married into this leecher family!
Right, but you did suggest it so do you think that’s true too 
No I’m not in sales but I do know that it doesn’t take long to figure out that some people are chalaak/manipulative/not worth the effort.
Why are you taking it so personally?
Just because she is widowed and has daughters to marry off doesn’t mean she can treat others like crap, including her own son whose the sole breadwinner. Did not hte OP say she isn’t even letting him go back to UK when he’s wanting to go back so he can work and send money back!
tell me, if she spent 6 months of ghar ka kharcha on one gold set…what did she think she was going to do for the next 6 months? how’s she gonna eat and feed her family? Meanwhile, is that gold set going to guarantee her daughter a happily married life? Not really.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
hanibal is an evil MIL and wants to justify her actions. dilli/zehni sukoooon k leye.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
HOWEVER dont you think the fact that the majority of people (some very respected guppans) are disagreeing with you is saying something about what you are saying?
which ones??
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …
Me confused?
You’re clearly advocating stopping two people who are husband and wife from seeing each other.
Then I responded to your very very confused tradition reply and I’ll say it again…Rukhasti is a MAN made tradition, Nikkah is not. To stop a husband and wife who are husband and wife from ALLAH’S RULES and justifying it by MAN made tradition, you’re clutching at straws. Just because something is a ‘‘tradition’’ doesn’t mean its right, in some areas its even tradition to trade women in case of disputes, would you advocate that too? :halo: To stop a husband and wife from seeing each other and justifying it by any tradition is craziness.
Yet here we are again.
Read the Quran jao shaabash mere bhai.
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Regretful - felt very sad reading your post. I went through a very similar situation except mine was more of an arrange marriage and his family were financially well off. All I can say is that I do not think bringing him to Canada will change anything. You can change countries but that will not change people or thier nature. If he is like this now and you continue to sacrifice everything for him, in the long term you will lose all respect for youself. Also do not think this is simply a pakistani thing, as my hubby was british born, this is Jahil mentality. You are really lucky like myself that you have excellent support network from your parents. You deserve better and do not fool yourself that time or distance will have any impact. I know you probably do not want to hear this now but think that your stay with them was a blessing from Allah, they showed thier true colours very early on rather than wasting more of your precious time. My advice is to make dua that Allah does what is best for you.
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How weird would I feel offering money to make my marriage work...
What if I got sick later on in life? In order to keep him around, I have to pay for a new roof on the house and make sure his sisters have brand new cars?
Why dont I just get a maid then? Isnt that much easier? At least I can get more out of my money!
Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
^ haha this.