Marrying a Pakistani man ...

[Shak]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …

@hanibal

you are not happy when i say you are confused, you are not happy when i say you are not confused..women and there confusion ( i don’t know your gender here** but you sound like typical women**)

So instead of arguing my counter-points you come up with patronsing crap about ‘‘you’re confused’’ :halo:

Then I back my claims up using our religion and you call my views- ‘‘typical woman’’

Then I point out to you that there are traditions, but that does not mean you follow retard traditions, as there are traditions in Pakistan that justify women being traded in disputes, do you justify those too just because they’re traiditons? :halo: Or do you use your brain that Allah Mian has granted us all and say hey, ‘‘this thing goes against our religion and is outdated so lets think this through and change it’’

Clearly not.

[Ashy2010]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

**It's only personal preference if the couple themselves choose to stay apart till rukhsati, not when parents (or anyone else) force them to, **that's more like oppression..

From personal preference, I meant personal preference of the family + girl/ guy. If the girl/ guy thinks its an opression, they should convince their elders by all means. Phadda kerna acha tau nahi hai na. But I guess it is very difficult to make our elders agree on this point. The next generation will be in a better position to try to change this misconception hopefully, since we would had been the well informed and well aware victims of this 'zulm'-filled tradition ;) and we would had known k humare saath zulm hoa hai which should not happen with any nikahfied husband and wife.

[busy]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

I regret that I married a guy with bunch of sisters too. He has brothers too but lots of sisters and believe me they are really important. His mother loves her grandaughters from his sisters more than she loves him. She actually spent more money on her grandaughter's wedding than she spent at her son's wedding. So yeah my advice never marry a guy with bunch of sisters.

[komal93]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

my advice is,please dont end the relationship now.be patient and have courage.you just need to do the right things.
the problem is that your husband is also confused what to do which comes uot in form of anger.i am sure he loves you but he cant also ignore his family.so its your responsibilty to facilitate his situation.he cant always take your side.
-so a big No is: complaining about his mother and instead of this when he comes home,tell him good things and compliments about his mother.just tell him positiv things.
-avoid discussions.
-he loves his sister and mother,so try to get them on your side by giving them a lot of attention and talking to them(it may be difficult but you have to do it).
-instead of being in your room.spent time with them even if they dont want to.
-try to give them gifts,especially the sister
-cook for thhem,give them respect etc

they shouldnt have the feeling that their son chose the wrong one and regret his decision.they have to forget the other girl.

all this may seem to be impossible and weird.but a friend of mine had a similar situation.the MIL and BIL just hated her and nag everytime.this went on for 6 years,but she always tried to make them happy and did all the above metioned things.so give them a try and please please let me know.good luck

[hanibal]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man …

@Shak09

So instead of arguing my counter-points you come up with patronsing crap about ‘‘you’re confused’’ :halo:

Then I back my claims up using our religion and you call my views- ‘‘typical woman’’

Then I point out to you that there are traditions, but that does not mean you follow retard traditions, as there are traditions in Pakistan that justify women being traded in disputes, do you justify those too just because they’re traiditons? :halo: Or do you use your brain that Allah Mian has granted us all and say hey, ‘‘this thing goes against our religion and is outdated so lets think this through and change it’’

Clearly not.

Bibi, you don’t know what you are saying, that is why i am not taking you seriously here!!!

[hunni_buney]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

dear OP, may u and ur partner be blessed amin

i understand what u r going through... how little thing like eating with him, or him coming out for a 5 min. to sit with you, have mattered a lot for you....

i hope things work out for u dear... just take care and pray !!

[STA]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

it was red flag when you knew his divorced sister. your parent should stop you for this marriage.
If you have no rukhsati, then there is no point to live with his family. as pakistani culture is still consider it big no no.

[Demilitarize]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

You know I am in a similar situation but not at such an extreme. From what I know, men consider their family sacred, and if you want to be part of his love and affection you need to be as devoted to his "sacred" family, as he is. He will love a million times more, trust me. I am in the process of realization myself. No matter how wrong they are, how right you are...it just does not matter. It's his family and it's sacred. DON'T MESS! That's pretty much the idea here, now when we constantly bring up the family as the evil monster, you keep triggering the same behaviour out of him.

Now please listen up, if you really want to save this. Stop the complaining, nagging and bickering about his family. Instead start talking about ALL if ANY positives that happened. Tell him wow your mom is amazing, she is so sweet. You need to realize if you want to be part of his love, you have to cherish his family ten folds more than he does.

That's how it goes. O yes and make plenty of dua's and istikhara.

You can message me if you like.

very true...IF she wants to stay in this marriage this would be the way to go

[Demilitarize]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

So lets try to build the other side of the story:

From what OP have said so far:

1) She is not an easy person, i.e. she don't mingle with people easily ( this could have sent messages to the sisters and other relevant persons that OP is an arrogant person...now no body like arrogance or an arrogant person???_)

2) What kind of girl will stay with her in-laws as a guest? she should have not stayed there, Period!!! or if staying was that necessary, then she should have her mom or one of her Khala staying there with her, not on her own....

3) Her MIL was so right to not let them together alone!!! Rukhsati have not taken place yet, MIL was again right to be with them while outing as again they are Nikahfied only... so there are restrictions there, which MIL have to make sure not broken when she is in control...

4) It looks like the OP have relatives in Islamabad, then why didn't they had this Nikkah in Islamabad to start with?

5) OP got sick and what she did, she decided to go back to Hotel without informing her MIL... now that is insulting for the MIL, she want to go to Hotel room with her husband without informing her MIL where she was staying for past few days???

6) If she have been bitten by mosquitoes, then there are solutions for that, ask about it? if you are an Early-Bird" then don't make it AZAAB for others, if you woke-up early, you could have made break-fast for everyone... this could have been nice gesture from you??? but that never strikes OP's mind???

7) It is your problem to mingle in the family of your husband and not the other way around, yes they should take care of you but you have to start the relationship and/or develop the bond with them to start with... the OP said that the elder sister was nice to her, the MIL was nice to her before NIkkah... then there must be few missing links here which turned them into monster in the period of 2/3 days???

**8) MIL was so right to not to let your HUSBAND and you go for a Honey-Moon before rukhsati... why to complain, if you wanted to go for honey-moon, get your rukhsati done???

9) About the room issue again, i bet no one the OP's house have thought that after Nikkah you would be staying with them.. no one was prepared for it, so that is what you get when you are an un-invited ( traditionally and technically not a ) guest**...

VERY true. Nikah while islamically correct and absolutely legal and all, does not allow people to live together without rukhsati in PAKISTAN. The culture and our society doesnt allow it. This is a HARD fact and those living in Pakistan would know this very well, and possibly Pakistanis abroad too. I didn't understand myself why her parents could allow this. Society does NOT allow it in Pakistan and the MIL has to consider society even if the girl's parents are not doing so, because if nothing else she has daughters to marry off and wants to be respectable (I am presuming this). Hannibal is correct in all these points.

You want to LIVE together, even for a while, then do *RUKHSATI. *

[Demilitarize]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

Er they're legally and ISLAMICALLY husband and wife after Nikkah. They could have been out together, slept with each other and it'd be legally and religiously ALLOWED.

Shak, I agree with your points here, but it would not be allowed socially or culturally and that is a hard fact of Pakistan. Badnaami hoti hey, I dont like this hard fact myself and I resent it, but living in Pakistan I have to understand it.

[Demilitarize]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

If nikah is done separately for specific purpose like visa, the gap between nikah and rukhsati can be siginificant. The elders might have their reasons for not allowing legal husband and wife together before rukhsati. Many of the cultural things in our society is a step ahead of Islamic teachings. E.g. caring for in-laws is not a must on DIL in Islam but it is considered a good thing in our society. Call it good or bad, but there are cultural aspects which we should follow being Pakistanis.

We can either follow the religion only OR follow religion + traditions. If we only follow the religion, we can create unrest in our society because we will be disturbing the status quo. But if we follow religion + culture, we can make everyone happy, Allah Swt + people in our society.

I again insist, if anyone thinks need for rukhsati is a useless thing, they should go for nikah + rukhsati. But if they are making use of this cultual allowance of separate nikah + rukhsati, they should take the whole package of restraining till after the rukhsati. Its not take the part what you like and leave the part what you don't.

VERY well said Ashy!

[Deeba1234]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

VERY true. Nikah while islamically correct and absolutely legal and all, does not allow people to live together without rukhsati in PAKISTAN. The culture and our society doesnt allow it. This is a HARD fact and those living in Pakistan would know this very well, and possibly Pakistanis abroad too. I didn't understand myself why her parents could allow this. Society does NOT allow it in Pakistan and the MIL has to consider society even if the girl's parents are not doing so, because if nothing else she has daughters to marry off and wants to be respectable (I am presuming this). Hannibal is correct in all these points.

You want to LIVE together, even for a while, then do *RUKHSATI. *

Just because you don't find it culturally acceptable doesn't mean everyone should feel they must do it that way.

In my family it's considered normal to act as a married couple** right after nikah. There have been 2 cases just within the last year where it has happened (my brother and cousin both spent the night with their wives straight after nikah and then were given the choice to move in together **if they wanted to).

[Crystal_Bracelets]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

I haven't read all the posts so I might be repeating some stuff, that's already been said...

I think it does have to do a little with him being a Pakistani.. along with you not being raised in Pakistan. Most of us pakistani girls are somewhat prepared for a controlling mother in law and almost all marriages over here take a lot of hard work and patience on part of the new woman in the house. My mother in law is equally controlling and my husband is as much a mama's boy as your's is. The only difference is I was my MiL's choice rather than my husband's so I guess she couldn't really tell him that someone else would be a better match for him.

I think the first wrong thing you did, being a Pakistani bahu, was staying at his place before the rukhsati. That still isn't 'acceptable' behaviour in most families and at a later point in life.. if you manage to reach that, you may get 'taanay' about that. It's not just about not being acceptable, also when you come at the rukhsati, atleast you have your own bedroom and your own private time with your husband. In your case, you couldn't really be alone with him, while you MiL and SiLs could be.
Most marriages over here are a sort of covert battle between the wife and the MiL/ SiLs. In most cases, the wife wins, but after several hard years :) The key is to not give up and be as patient as you can be.

I would advise you to not end the relationship yet. Just do not stay at thier place again till rukhsati. From the look of it, I am not sure if you'd be able to mend what's been destroyed already, but you can try. Try talking to your guy and if you still love him enough, I would even recomment an apology to your MiL even if you aren't wrong anywhere. That is only if you think it can save yoru relationship and if you want to save it. I know you are angry at her and won't want to apologize but it tilts the balance in your favor. In the 'covert battle" I mentioned earlier, the aim is to win the guy :) To win him over, you should appear better than his mom to him :)

You'll have ot put up with a lot of crap. I would say never ever answer anyone back. If they say crap about you, your family whatever just hear it.. NEVER EVER SAY ANYTHING. Though to win the battle your husband must know what's been said to you ;) . Never relate the incident to him in an accusing manner.. or when you are angry. Let him know after you have calmed down, and do let him know how hurt you were, but you didn't say anything, just coz you care for him and hurting his parents will hurt him. Win the guy over and defeat the evil MIL... :)

All the best :) :)

That was all azmooda advice :) Tried and tested but took 4 long yrs to actually work.. including 5 months of separation.

[Crystal_Bracelets]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

And one more thing.. don't forget to make a big deal of every tiny viny nice act that comes from his family. so he won't think you are always being negative about them :)

[M_was_here]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

OP, do let us know what you finally decided with. This thread made me kinda' nervous.

[Deeba1234]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

^I think she's looking for a counsellor right now..

[M_was_here]

Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...

^I think she's looking for a counsellor right now..

Oh, yes. I saw her thread.