Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
Don't marry someone you'd be ashamed/embarrassed of. Not only for your sake, but more importantly for his.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
such generalisation psyah.
my husband is pakistani and didn't even have the 'privilege' of studying 'here'. he had to make do with a pakistani education. somehow he speaks better english than many british born pakistani's?? perhaps it has something to do with upbringing??
Peace stoppit
I'm not really making drastic generalisations, I'm merely interpreting the case with the majority of Pakistanis, like always there are exceptions to the rule ... my statement was the general trend, your hubby would indeed be the exception - which is good for you.
Other factors that also include making it work are: How Religious the people are? If the couple are cousins/related? If the man is the son of an elder sibling who is living in the West whose daughter is to be married. If the families are already rich despite being in Paksitan ... My generalisations could go on ... for a sure thing ... If your husband is as good as you say he is then it is likely that he has come from the Pakistani middle class. Perhaps I'm wrong.
At least they will be better than freshly imported guys from Pakistan for marriage purpose only. If the girls have limited choices because the well settled guys and their moms want to bring 'shareef' girls from Pakistan, the girls living in West are left with only two options, either marry the international Pakistani students or import guys from Pakistan (the third option would be to go for some other nationality which might not be accepted for many). So guys already living and studying there would be better than freshly imported guys I guess.
I was making no attempt to demean them in any way, just stating a trend.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
Nomi, your conclusion is incorrect here. Majority of International students are "ayash", they go clubbing, drink, have gf for fun and action only. These students are filthy rich and spoiled. Although, there is also a group of students that are hard-working and don't get involved in such activities.
at least they have the money to do it, uk guys do the same when they're already in debt, does it make them a better person because they don't have an accent ?
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
Look the lawyer is ashamed of fobby accents ... :)
I've seen it work only where girls are less educated and quite socially inactive ... by the sound of it ... unless the dude is a tycoon he won't be suitable for an average Western desi girl.
Peace
Peace stoppit
I'm not really making drastic generalisations, I'm merely interpreting the case with the majority of Pakistanis, like always there are exceptions to the rule ... my statement was the general trend, your hubby would indeed be the exception - which is good for you.
Other factors that also include making it work are: How Religious the people are? If the couple are cousins/related? If the man is the son of an elder sibling who is living in the West whose daughter is to be married. If the families are already rich despite being in Paksitan ... My generalisations could go on ... for a sure thing ... If your husband is as good as you say he is then it is likely that he has come from the Pakistani middle class. Perhaps I'm wrong.
I was making no attempt to demean them in any way, just stating a trend.
Firstly, I do not like the generalisation you are making about average western pakistani girls. Because too me, average would be myself and my cousins and other relatives.
Secondly, the only times where it would only work if the "girls are less educated and quite socially inactive" is if the guy only has basic education and women in his family are not given much freedome. To be honest, that goes for guys from pakistan AND guys from here.
If you're middle class and living in the UK, when it comes to finding a rishta in the UK, you would generally look amongst other middle class families? Similar sort of family and educational background? Same would apply if you're going to look within Pakistan. The problem happens, when you get middle class families, who have given their daughter's a university education, encouraged them to be independent and keep jobs and then go and get them married to some guy from Pakistan who grew up in village or small town, where "the women in my family don't do anything without my permission". I'm not saying these guys are 'bad' but clearly what they want from a wife and what these women want from a husband is not compatible.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
at least they have the money to do it, uk guys do the same when they're already in debt, does it make them a better person because they don't have an accent ?
I never mentioned anything about accent and yes you are right the local guys do all that too.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
I'm not saying these guys are 'bad' but clearly what they want from a wife and what these women want from a husband is not compatible.
I agree with stoppit, key is finding compatibility.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
For once an interesting discussion on Life1. Shabash OP. Initially I was confused about all 'here' and 'there' talk. Anyways here's my 2 Pakistani rupees.
I understand that there is a huge shortage of potentials abroad. And there are some success stories out I can tell you. But its full of compromises. One of the guys in my extended family got married to this cousin of ours who is in uk. Guy went there, and his FIL got him a job there in his own company. Lots of cultural issues but htey stuck it out. Guy was talented and girl was homely. They had differences of course but they are still together and all is well. He didnt know english that well when I knew him here but I met him in uk and even though his accent was desi and very un-british, his english had become awesome and his personality was transformed. Now in this case, there was not much of interpersonal compatibility but the need to get married for the sake of marriage. If you can do that and find a decent guy, grooming doesnt take long if both parties are willing.
However, I do NOT believe in marriage for the sake of marriage. I cannot marry 'anyone' and would love to know some about the potential and I am quite stubborn in what I want unfortunately. Well education and independance does this to you at times and even though I am a guy, I understand why some girls who are raised abroad start thinking on the same lines.
Okay the taqreer is over. In short, it varies from person to person. But one thing is for sure. You have to ensure you wont get a perfect guy in any sense of imagination and start any rishta process with that thought.
It is very difficult, as there are not enough boys around and bringing someone is huge risk.
In our parents generation it was common to take these risks,
In my case my 25 years old is completely loss, as most Pakistani back home specially from upper middle class (where parents r rich enough to invest in good education) even in Pakistan are openly drinking and taking drug as matter of fashion.
And if we look at middle class background no doubt there are good people available but given the state of education system there most of local degrees not worth the pecs of paper printed on.
I have seen someone married her daughter from back, now the boy is living here for 4 years without any decent job.
Another issue even if you could find a good professionally educated guy from a middle class family, then start facing mentality issues not with the guy but with his whole family, as mostly those families does nor allow their "Star" to move to foreign land.
The best thing is to find a "rear gem" in upper middle class families, since they are more financially stable and more willing to allow son live his life he wish. Also because of their upper class upbringing they would be more attune to modern life style thus less chance of cultural conflict.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
It is very difficult, as there are not enough boys around and bringing someone is huge risk.
In our parents generation it was common to take these risks,
In my case my 25 years old is completely loss, as most Pakistani back home specially from upper middle class (where parents r rich enough to invest in good education) even in Pakistan are openly drinking and taking drug as matter of fashion.
And if we look at middle class background no doubt there are good people available but given the state of education system there most of local degrees not worth the pecs of paper printed on.
I have seen someone married her daughter from back, now the boy is living here for 4 years without any decent job.
Another issue even if you could find a good professionally educated guy, then start facing mentality issues not with the guy but with his whole family, as mostly those families does nor allow their "Star" to move to foreign land.
My parents feel exactly the same way as what you have written.
Also i find there are unrealistic requirements from more of the upper middle class of how beautiful the girl should be, they all want some hoor pari as well as very educated and decent, but their own children will be openly drinking and taking drugs and running around with girlfriends.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
dear this is everybody problem us all pakistani have same issues here but listen nad think about things in future as they r going to happen not happened dont assume things u dont know well u do know some of it, in my honest opnion, i ve seen soooooooooooo many positive stories i would rather say works well, i totally the whole thingi og girls guys from here together which is quite obvious y, because the girls who r born here dont ve any idea of the typical cultural traditions as a girl born in pakistan knows so ever mom wants girl who knows here culture the best , on seconds hand for girls here the only choice left then is to marrya guy from pakistan dont worry abt the fobby accent check out katies new boyfriend such bechara paindo from argetina doesnt even know word afte "lovely","love u" so katie seems really happy with, u cant buy happiness or peace within ur realtionship if the guy is from here specially it can even happen if munda is pakistani may be i think it works really well , hope so in ur case inshAllah it will if it happens , but dear think once u r taking these things "fobby accent" "from there" to high level what if a guy who is from pakistan more educated than ur more forward as they are all now if he is not from pind and he speaks in american accent and expects alot from u thennnnnnnnnnnnn , or a guy from here whos is very dashing smart good looking unemployed and u ll ve to work to feed him which most of them doooooooooooooooo
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
ask all the guys who r single and ask if u can y they dont want to get married girls from herrrrrrreeeeeeee i know the ans but u should know as u mentioned about ur lifestyle requirements or work but its same for the guy from hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
It is not true as if you look at upper middle class, they are more attuned to western life style thus would not interfere too much as long as boy is happy.
It is more problem in middle class as due to limited resources he might be only success story in the family carrying whole family's aspiration and hopes thus they would hold him tightly.
Another this I realized that even if the guy want to stay back home then they would make all sort of demands as they would be looking for pure housewife thus look for very young Hoor Pari.
But if a professional guy want move out of the country realizing difficulty he would face, more willing to accept a professionally educated girl because of her ability to contribute financially Yo household.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
It is not true as if you look at upper middle class, they are more attuned to western life style thus would not interfere too much as long as boy is happy.
But such families would not give much importance to the upbringing to their sons and the sons do end up in engaging into all sorts of wrong activities as you already mentioned like drinking and drugs. Thus any family not interfering in their son's married life would most probably be the ones who had not previously given importance to their sons and the sons might have developed bad habits of drinking and drugs.
I go back to my observations which I have stated multiple times on the same topic. At least when it comes people I have seen, some seem to have challenges and it has more to do with social network, expectations etc. Cousins of the same background similar level of attractiveness, going to the same uni, some had minimal issues finding someone others had and are still having issues. I have seen that pattern repeat again and again, sometimes in the same household.
So there is really more to it than just availability of guys/girls or people importing a spouse etc. That can not be it.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
Jia, are you on about Katie Price? :D
Leandro is nice to look at but I doubt she's after 'deep' conversation with him.. Not really the sort of relationship most desis would want (esp when it comes to marriage lol, not slating her just saying it seems more like lust or infatuation than anthing else in which case they don't need much common ground etc )..
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
Firstly, I do not like the generalisation you are making about average western pakistani girls. Because too me, average would be myself and my cousins and other relatives.
Secondly, the only times where it would only work if the "girls are less educated and quite socially inactive" is if the guy only has basic education and women in his family are not given much freedome. To be honest, that goes for guys from pakistan AND guys from here.
If you're middle class and living in the UK, when it comes to finding a rishta in the UK, you would generally look amongst other middle class families? Similar sort of family and educational background? Same would apply if you're going to look within Pakistan. The problem happens, when you get middle class families, who have given their daughter's a university education, encouraged them to be independent and keep jobs and then go and get them married to some guy from Pakistan who grew up in village or small town, where "the women in my family don't do anything without my permission". I'm not saying these guys are 'bad' but clearly what they want from a wife and what these women want from a husband is not compatible.
Peace stoppit
I think there is a communication breakdown here between us (In that you have misunderstood what I am saying) ... I could swear what you are saying does not conflict with what I have said - except the idea of the generalisation and that you don't like it ... you consider yourself an average western desi girl - I gave the caveat to my generalisation which was "unless he is a tycoon" - Since you have said that your hubby speaks English better than most English people then my statement stands correct in a manner of speaking.
Basically I'll say it another way ... The only way a Pakistani man comes to the West to marry an average western desi girl is if he is himself exceptional, otherwise an average man coming over would more often than not be finding that his wife to be is less (skilled) than an average girl. Since you are claiming to be average then I am saying that your hubby must be exceptional compared to other Pakistani men, if he is really good at English then I would consider that exceptional - I used tycoon earlier to denote exceptional traits in finance but really I meant it in any facet of life ... I hope now my words are clearer.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
I'm not sure psyah - what is a tycoon? "A wealthy and powerful businessperson or industrialist; a magnate."
My husband is far from that. He's not even in business, nor is his father. And to correct you, I said better English that many British Born Pakistani's given that unless they have a good education, their language skills leave a lot to be desired. Educated families and people within Pakistan understand the importance of English, especially if they ever intend to work outside.
Either we are both exceptional or we are both average, otherwise we would find it difficult to gel as a couple. This is what I'm saying. Regardless of where you look for a spouse - UK/US/Pak, it's wise to look within a similar family background, educational background etc.
I get the feeling that your exposure to Pakistani's both here and in Pakistan has been somewhat limited.
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
FIERY INFORMATIVE TALK.. LOVED IT!! :D Psyah And Stoppit Made A Good Debate! Hats Off :D
But Tipu Is Pretty Wise.. Repect..
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
So the conclusion is...........
Don't look for FOBs........try to find an ABCD/BBCD......
Re: Marrying a guy "not from here"
I'm not sure psyah - what is a tycoon? "A wealthy and powerful businessperson or industrialist; a magnate." My husband is far from that. He's not even in business, nor is his father. And to correct you, I said better English that many British Born Pakistani's given that unless they have a good education, their language skills leave a lot to be desired. Educated families and people within Pakistan understand the importance of English, especially if they ever intend to work outside.
Either we are both exceptional or we are both average, otherwise we would find it difficult to gel as a couple. This is what I'm saying. Regardless of where you look for a spouse - UK/US/Pak, it's wise to look within a similar family background, educational background etc.
I get the feeling that your exposure to Pakistani's both here and in Pakistan has been somewhat limited.
Totally agree with this.