Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
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Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
this is because maybe i failed to make my POV clear here. afsos. we all eat, drink, breathe, marry, reproduce and die. whats so special about it? to me, it would have been a meaningful existence if I had balls enough to support someone who is predecidedly rejected because of the norms of this difficult society of ours. and why not children man? are another one's children aliens or monsters? sigh.
So you think someone who married a divorcee had a meaningful existence as opposed to someone who didn't? You know there isn't only one type of charity in this world (which is what you're treating this as). And while you're at it, why stop at a divorcee, why not marry a handicapped person? I'm sure they've got it much harder than divorcees.
And no children is my preference, the last thing I would want going into my first marriage would be parenthood.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
^ brotherom, please start a thread in support of marrying the handicapped too. no one is stopping you. Its a forum right. we all can come and speak our minds 
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
GIDSA's post ftw.
Even though I think the stigma is totally stupid, it's a personal preference.
Weight, height, marital status, perfect "non-fobby" English, cooking skills, family background, education, morals, white as snow skin, sense of humor, health etc etc are all fair game.
If someone is shallow, they still have the right to live as they please as long as no one else is harmed.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
^ brotherom, please start a thread in support of marrying the handicapped too. no one is stopping you. Its a forum right. we all can come and speak our minds
Yes I know we can all speak our minds, I just don't like the hypocrisy. Clearly marrying a divorced person is charity for you, I wonder what your future divorcee husband would have to say about the fact that you pity-married him.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
Yes I know we can all speak our minds, I just don't like the hypocrisy. Clearly marrying a divorced person is charity for you, I wonder what your future divorcee husband would have to say about the fact that you pity-married him.
Hey hold your horses brotherom. Im already married. And why are you taking it too personally? And whats so hypocrite about it all? I didnt even say it is a charity to marry a divorced person. That might be your point of view though and I dont mind that, but whats your problem? Did it hurt you somewhere? weird.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
its not the matter of heart and mind here, neither do I mean to enforce people into such a choice folks. Ofcourse we all have our own parameters and we do follow them. complexion, looks, education social status all may matter. It is just this attitude that some people predecide oh all right that person is divorced so there must be something fishy or bad about it and that person is instantly removed from the list of options. What we need actually to change this kind of mentality. Because yes why not most of the time one person has to pay for another's faults/mistakes and their marriage doesnt get along well. We need to take a stand in such a situation and a person's personal character shoul be individually considered apart from the stigma of divorce they are bearing.
It's not?
Then what? Sex/Children/MIL wish? :D j/k
I agreed to your other points already in post #10.
Basicallly it should be left on the person's choice. If rejected for any reason, no grudges should be felt. Everyone has a choice which one feels strongly about. That's all.
And, on a different note as discussed and proposed ealier by some;
One should not marry other for pity reason. Unless other knows and agrees with it. Most will not agree with that.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
I have problems marrying a divorced guy may be because of the fear of his behaviour, character and the baggage he is carrying while entering into a new relationship... I see myself getting compared to his ex-wife every now and then... And we usually hear rishte wali aunties that "wo bechara innocent divorcee hai, sara qasoor us ki biwi ka tha"... Now how in the world can we know whose fault was it if we don't hear the other side of the story... Its not because of bias or anything against divorced/ widowed persons, its just that would't it be better it they marry within their own kind and try to console the other person who has been through the same ordeal as them. Of course, if you love a divorced person, then by all means go for it. But I am talking about the marriages of never married persons with divorced ones in an arranged setting.
We have a difficult society. Our divorced guys can easily get never married girls (because of problems of rishtas in the society) but it is more difficult to marry off a divorced girl even to a divorced/ widowed person because they prefer never married.
What the...? Marry within their own kind? Are you alright? Sometimes, when I feel like Ive seen and heard it all...people like you surprise me with even weirder things. Do you know how ridiculous and backward you sound?
What exactly is their own kind? They should come stamped with a letter D on their foreheads and only marry those also stamped with the same?
I dont know about your society but Ive never heard of such nonsense in mine.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
^ serious bakwas and ignorance.
Just picture your own self, imagin (god forbid) in the future we are divored or our child. Is that how you would want yourself or your child to be treated?
I can't believe we still behave like it's 1950. Why don't all the divorce ladies shave their heads wear white all day and live in one big house waiting for death??
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
I have problems marrying a divorced guy may be because of the fear of his behaviour, character and the baggage he is carrying while entering into a new relationship... I see myself getting compared to his ex-wife every now and then... And we usually hear rishte wali aunties that "wo bechara innocent divorcee hai, sara qasoor us ki biwi ka tha"... Now how in the world can we know whose fault was it if we don't hear the other side of the story... Its not because of bias or anything against divorced/ widowed persons, its just that would't it be better it they marry within their own kind and try to console the other person who has been through the same ordeal as them. Of course, if you love a divorced person, then by all means go for it. But I am talking about the marriages of never married persons with divorced ones in an arranged setting.
We have a difficult society. Our divorced guys can easily get never married girls (because of problems of rishtas in the society) but it is more difficult to marry off a divorced girl even to a divorced/ widowed person because they prefer never married.
How old are you?
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
^ That is rude.
For a person who has not been married and divorced it becomes difficult to decide and if the choice of someone who was never married/divorced was there then that person MAY choose never been divorced.
It is the fear they have from not knowing the true story not that they have anything against a divorced person.
I think that is what Ashy is saying.
A divorcee has to be honest and tell that he/she was divorced before and tell the situaton how it happened honestly.
It should be left upon other person to believe or not though.
Just to repeat:
Divorced person or even never been married or divorced person when rejected should NOT feel any grudge against anyone who rejected that person for ANY reason.
One cannot force or make someone feel bad for not liking the person for any reason. Everyone has his/her own reason to like someone or not when it comes to marrying and living together.
Just accept the rejection in rishta and move on. Its a free world.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
I repeat, I have nothing against divorced people... Its just that I am against the marriage of never married to divorced people in an ARRANGED SETTING, when neither of them know about the past of the other person... I am 27 years and have been going through the rishta process in an arranged setting... when rishta wali aunties refers some divorced guy, they necessarily say "he is an innocent divorcee"... Its just that how do we know if he was Innocent or the girl was innocent... What if the guy had some problem which led to the divorce? Similarly, the same divorced girl would be promoted by the risht wali aunty as an INNOCENT DIVORCEE... which can definitely be misleading...
If I had already known the person, like he was my friend, and he recently got divorced and he proposed me, I would NOT have considered his divorce something of a problem because I know he is overall a good person... So its just that marrying a divorced person is ok if you are personally satisfied with his past and think that you can easily manage with this for the whole of your life. Its more of a FEAT FACTOR for me than bias.
I have recently heard an aunty of mine looking for a girl for his "innocent" divorced brother, saying that the wife was not mentally normal and did have serious fertility problems... How on the earth could they have a daughter and how could have her brother tolerated the girl for 3 years before finally sending her back to Pakistan? I just cannot digest such kind of stories. What if he wanted to have second marriage and the wife did not agree to it? So how do we know the girl's side of the story.
I just mean to say that in an arranged marriage, you cannot know the OTHER side of the story which makes me afraid to marry a divorced guy. If I had known the person previously, this would not have been such a problem. But again, if a never married good proposal was also an option, my family and parents would have gone for it. And I really thinkg it is a matter of choice...
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
How old are you?
I am 27 and going through the rishta process in an arranged setting...
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
^ serious bakwas and ignorance. Just picture your own self, imagin (god forbid) in the future we are divored or our child. Is that how you would want yourself or your child to be treated?
I can't believe we still behave like it's 1950. Why don't all the divorce ladies shave their heads wear white all day and live in one big house waiting for death??
My attitude is the reaction of the attitudes I see in this society... The divorced guy/ girl mostly like to blame the other party for the divorce and start the blame game trying to prove themselves "innocent"... I am more against Divorced GUYS who prefer marrying never married girls over divorced girls and this makes me sick... I have heard many divored guys and their families saying "jab humain never married larki mil rahi hai tau hum divorced girls se shadi kion karain"... (that again might be the case in an arranged setting)...
If all the divorced guys end up marrying never married girls, there won't be anyone left for divorced girls as these tend to face more problems in marrying again. Only a small proportion of never married guys have the tendency to marry a divorced girl.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
What the...? Marry within their own kind? Are you alright? Sometimes, when I feel like Ive seen and heard it all...people like you surprise me with even weirder things. Do you know how ridiculous and backward you sound?
What exactly is their own kind? They should come stamped with a letter D on their foreheads and only marry those also stamped with the same?
I dont know about your society but Ive never heard of such nonsense in mine.
My comments are based on my experiences in the arranged settings.. Plz have a look at my comments I made above... Nothing personal about divorced guys and girls... Its just the fear of the known which I have marrying even never married guys... marrying a divorced guy adds to this fear of mine as I do not tend to trust the story of any "innocent" divoced guy unless I also hear the other side of the story which is almost impossible in an arranged setting...
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
a storm in a tea cup!
guys, please get rid of this attitude of bashing other if their opinion is not in consonance with yours, one thing. Second, Ashy may not have been able to state her POV clearly but i think I guess what she means. Ofcourse there are so many matters and factors to be brought under consideration when it comes to this life long commitment and pact we call marriage. So naturally there are fears. They have to be, of the unknown. Obviously if you are listening to one side of the story that is not sufficient. You have to marry, you do, what I wanted to stress here is, manytimes divorcees are not guilty. They only have to pay for others' faults. Like many mothers marry their spoiled sons expecting they will reform after marriage and when it doesnt happen it ruins the life of the larki completely. Her experience of marriage turns out as a failure but where to blame her? And then she will think hundred times before taking divorce as to how her future life is going to be. How society is going to treat her and whether there are any options or not. And this is because this is how our society moves.
DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE FOR CHARITY"S SAKE, fine? my few brotherom here have this misunderstanding right from the beginning that Im running a charity programme here which Im not.
Again, everyone wants to go for a virgin male/female, their choice. There are standards always we cannot impose ours on others. What I intended here was to point out the way divorced and widows are treated in our society. They lose their status because society is taking it away from them and who are the society? WE. so maybe we need to widen our minds a bit.
Baqi shadi koi sawab keliye to karta nahi na hi kare baraye meherbani. Its not the sawab only. Maybe few widows and divorced could be much much better then your virgin choices because maybe they would take life and relationships more seriously because its their second chance AND in this sense you are better off than marrying a (maybe only supposed) virgin which is going to let you pay for marrying her all life. Period.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
I do agree with all you said. The only thing I took issue with was when you branded marrying a divorcee as the means to a meaningful existence, which makes it sound like charity.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
I do agree with all you said. The only thing I took issue with was when you branded marrying a divorcee as the means to a meaningful existence, which makes it sound like charity.
brotherom, maybe it sounded like that to you, my apology. peace? :)
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
Peace, sisterom.
Re: Marrying a divorced or a widow/ widower
:)