I haven't read all the responses so I don't know if anyone has said similar things.
First thing, you should be proud of where you are today. I don't believe that you should compare yourself with your wife in your achievements. Guys are supposed to be ahead of girls to provide and take care of them. To think you have a lot more than your wife is just umm cheap!!?? My husband is a doctor and I am a simple graduate. I never feel like he is ahead of me. I take care of things he can't. We all have our roles and responsibilites. Don't ever compare yourself with your wife. THAT'S JUST A NO NO.
Secondly, If there is any issues you are uncomfortable with, like you mentioned she disliking your hair style and stuff, you should just tell her nicely that you are comfortable with sporting that style. And that maybe someday you'll try what she likes. Everyone needs a lil TLC to change. You'll never change anything with harsh words or bad attitude.
When we marry someone, they can't be like us or our clone. They are bound to like different things and have different opinions but that's okay. If you are to spend your whole life with that person, learn to look at positive things in them and the negative things, remember you can always change it with love.
Lastly, I am raised in US and my husband is from Pakistan. We got married here in US and live here now. People from there definitely are from a different society all together. Give them time to change and adopt things here. Girls are very flexible and adaptive to changes. Its easier on your part. When she comes to live with you, you can take her out, show her how things are done, what you want her to dress like, or "walk" like. Don't push too much. Let her explore herself and see what she is comfortable with. Eventually she'll blend in.
Good Luck!
I think since you understand that you have to take responsibility for this situation, don't get bogged down in superficial details like your hair or the way she walks. You guys need to spend time together -- not just talking, but going out, sharing different experiences, etc. Once she is in the UK with you it shouldn't be just about educating her and showing her the place, you should be discovering it WITH her, seeing things you hadn't really explored before. These experiences will bring you closer, and deepen your understanding of each other. The superficial quirks and annoyances don't matter.
This is why I am opposed to people from the West marrying people from Pak.
Anyhow, you married her, so talk to her about your concerns. She won't know what to change, unless you point it out. Do it in a polite tactful, but firm way and see what happens. Good luck.
Please dont try to change her completely, not possible. Try to change your thinking a bit as well & stop listening to your friend's and how many problems a person from paki could have. Where were all these concerns before u got married?
spiked hair.. girls find it hot? like really... u cant be over 23-24..
uve not been around her for more than 5 minutes (and tlaking on the phone doesnt count) and u think you know about her mannerisms... it doesnt say much about yours with all this stuff ur saying about her and pakistanis from back home.
People have already given sensible advice on here..
like Sahar, im trying hard not to be peeved off by how people go into marriages.
People have to change naturally when they settle in a different culture (I don't mean she should change just for him) just like a lot of us might have to adjust our behaviour etc. if we moved over to Pakistan. If she goes round making straightforward comments to ppl like she did to him about his hair someone at some point will prob end up giving her a slap. Of course she shouldn't be pressured into changing everything about herself but she is going to have to adapt to a new environment where ppl behave differently. I know it sounds like petty little things he's pointed out but imagine ur new husband from Pakistan made some comment about ur hair looking rubbish or u being a bit overweight or something. I remember my Mum telling me about a girl who married from 'back home' and when he came over he would sneeze without covering his mouth spreading his germs all over the place lol and when he was eating he'd make a bit of a mess, all these things might seem insignificant on their own but add them all up and the other partner is going to start to feel annoyed. I wouldn't mind if I had to change some of my mannerisms if I moved over to Pakistan (like not putting my feet up on tables and talking more respectfully to elders instead of calling some of them just by their names like I do here), I'd take it with a pinch of salt.
At least you admit your mistake in rushing to marrying this girl without thoroughly checking to see if she's even compatible to you or not. Use the realization of this mistake of yours as motivation to show some patience to your wife. And in future.........keep in mind.......that as much as our parents love us.........they like ANY other human beings........are capable of making the BIGGEST BLUNDERS!
About your wife. She grew up in Pakistan, where the culture/society is more conservative than the UK. So her mannerisms are according to the environment she lived in. I'm not trying to defend her...........but I know that some people who have been born and raised in the west would appear awkward if they were to try to settle down in Pakistan. Adjustment to ANY country that you're not used to can be awkward for even the best of us.
Now........it is possible that.......due to the conservative culture of Pakistan.......your wife might not have much experience with the opposite gender. Perhaps she's never had a boyfriend. Or if she did have a boyfriend........maybe the interactions were not strong or lasting enough for her to lean how to socialize with guys. Due to her lack of experience, it IS possible that she is "teasing" you about your hair as a way of flirting. Maybe it's not the best way to get your attention.................but generally speaking MEN AND WOMEN tease others to get their attention. Remember the playground....and the little boy who would pull the girl's pigtails and make her cry?????? Sound familiar? Yes, I know it's juvenile.......but as I've mentioned.........due to lack of experience..........her teasing could be her way of trying to get your attention/being playful/trying to start conversation with you.
You say that you are never say mean things to her. Keep in mind that even when we keep a lock on our tongues..............our feelings/thoughts can project themselves through OUR BODY LANGUAGE. Actually, I think I've read somewhere that most of the messages we send out are non-verbal and come from our body language.
^That said............perhaps your wife can sense from your body language that you are disgusted with her.......that you think she's inferior to you. And in this case, it's not unreasonable for her to become defensive. Think about it..........if someone (male or female) thought** YOU **were inferior to them..........wouldn't you get defensive and act a bit hostile/defensive?
People are more likely to learn new things if you patiently teach them. Didn't you learn best from teachers/adults who taught you with patience and not ridicule? Similarly.......don't expect this girl to learn things on her own. NOBODY....NOT EVEN YOU.....was born knowing everything. What I'm trying to say is that sit this girl down............and gently teach her how to adjust to life in the UK. Explain and demonstrate to her how things are done. She's like new kid in a school that you've attended all your life. And perhaps her mean/snotty attitude is a cover-up for her inner fears and insecurities about settling down in a country she's not familiar with.
Be the bigger person here. Don't throw a hissy-fit just because she criticized your hair. IF you don't like her comments.......sit her down......and tell her nicely, "I find your comments to be offensive. I'm not in the least bit amused by them and they're getting old. You don't hear me making fun of the way you look. Respect is a foundation for marriage." Say this calmly but firmly and then walk away.
Shaz,
I can relate to your situation myself. Been through the exact same situation. After I git married I was like oh God, what kind of mess I had gotten myself in. We were totally two different species and today after 6 years things are much different. She has certainly improved quite a bit and that was my hope after I felt that I was in a mess but I don't think we two can ever become totally compatible. This is the individual that can be sometimes hard to change.
I must admit that certain individuals can adapt to the changes wells and fast. I have seen some arranged marriages where girls from back home have adapted quite fast with the life styles of their husbands abroad while some have not done so even after 10 years of living together.
My advice, if you think you can compromise and accept her the way she is then do so. If you think your life will be a living hell then get the hell out of this marriage now. Assume that she won't change and hence be prepared to spend your life with that individual she is right now. It's a hard decision and it depends a lot on how much you can compromise. From your posts, I see that you are a relatively younger dude and already quite frustrated with this marriage. It's gonna be tough for you. My best wishes for you!
This is really sad and irresponsible on your part. Completely irresponsible. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and when you said yes to marrying her you became responsible for her as well. You cannot take such responsibilities and decisions lightly.
Now that you did it. I have to tell you MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK. You have to work on conversation with her. Work on creating a foundation for yourselves. Work on all of that and love may come. Since you made such a huge commitment to God you both should at the least try. Have long conversations. Get to know each other. Go on a honeymoon. Let your love grow. Love is not instant. Marriage is not all fun and games. It takes a lot of effort and work and you made that promise to Allah (SWT) so now try.
When I visit Pakistan, I am constantly shocked at how rude and crude Pakistanis are. They insult you to your face, calling you fat, ugly and constantly compare themselves to you. Its inherent in their nature and most importantly they think its OK.
I dont think its so bad that I would even consider getting out, all relationships need working on n ours aint any exception. I hate it when people start suggestin breakin up as a solution when two people has issues. My situation is not too too bad, I jus want to improve it.
BDW GET OVA D HAIR COMMENT, People keep goin on about the comment have completely failed to see my point. That comment intself is not an issue n im not that petty dat i wud b upset ova dat. This hair comment didn't offend me but it kinda disappointed me dat she was so insecure n lacked basic manners, simple as dat, nothin less, nothin more. I am not too sensitive abt wat she says to me. Also, i was tryin to highlight a habit where someone randomly start singin their praises. Its extremely annoyin specially if it is not done in a teasin way or jokin manner. If someone oda dan her behaves like dat, I wud not even associate with them, let alone live with them n i wud love to put them in their place(verbally befo u jump to conclusions abt me) but i just stay quiet in this situation as i dnt want to offend her but i find it VERY difficult to stay quiet. I wud see this as lack of basic manners if she was from the uk but because she is not, i give her d benefit of the doubt n put it down to the cultural difference.
BDW I wanted to hear particularly from guys who got married from backhome? or girls who came over from pakistan to settle else where n how dey found it? was it difficult? what helped them adjust n what didnt help them?
I think WHOEVER - girl/guy that go from abroad to back home, will always feel they are SUPERIOR.
and the girl/guy WHOEVER come abroad after marriage are ALWAYS going to feel inferior... because they are coming to a "unknown" land and all they have is YOU to look up to!
So people! Do not take advantage of this emotional insecurity. Afterall they will be YOUR partner for life and would look after you and care for you!
I think Shaz is getting a hard time here and we seem to be missing the plot.. he wants to make this relationship better
Having seen the coin from both sides, I also seem to have an issue with many girls from Pakistan who think
1) They are the bees knees and the next ashwariya..
2) Who think you can say anything offensive to your face and you will be fine with it
3) Want you to listen to every whim and fancy of theirs...
Now, this is just a girl talking to another girl.. so what do you think this poor guy is coming through
I can give examples of very close family members with the same issue and to be honest it hasn't been working out well for them.. because they just don't understand each others values and principles and the girl is too juvenile..
she'll prob get super chalaq when she gets to the U.K. and think she's a brit even though she's a fob lol who knows, maybe u just need to get to know her more
I think Shaz is getting a hard time here and we seem to be missing the plot.. he wants to make this relationship better
Having seen the coin from both sides, I also seem to have an issue with many girls from Pakistan who think
1) They are the bees knees and the next ashwariya..
2) Who think you can say anything offensive to your face and you will be fine with it
3) Want you to listen to every whim and fancy of theirs...
Now, this is just a girl talking to another girl.. so what do you think this poor guy is coming through
I can give examples of very close family members with the same issue and to be honest it hasn't been working out well for them.. because they just don't understand each others values and principles and the girl is too juvenile..
Sorry to disagree here Confucius but i don't see how he wants to make this relationship better when all he wants is the other person to change. this is his main concern k how to change Her or if she'll b ever changed? he doesn't want to go to her level to understand her but want her to adjust to his level. relationships don't work like that.
Same for Jadugar he's having a hard time coz of same reason that wife needsto b changed. i found the comment "This is the kind of individual that are hard to change" so pathetic. u call ur wife individual. this is the respect u giv her. why should she change herself even an inch for a guy like u? u guys wont ever become compatible coz u dont know how to mould urself. but just trying to break ur partner by being hard n strict on them.
when u marry someone from a diff background or different approach to life, u both change n adjust to each other's lifestyle. if its one person who is giving n other only expecting then its a disaster. coz it has to be 50-50.
give b4 u expect anything. make sacrifices and compromises on ur lifestyle first only then u'll know how hard is it to giv up ur ways for another person. only then u'll value and understand ur spouse sacrifices. and if u think u cant do it then leave the other person as is too.
Sorry to disagree here Confucius but i don't see how he wants to make this relationship better when all he wants is the other person to change. this is his main concern k how to change Her or if she'll b ever changed? he doesn't want to go to her level to understand her but want her to adjust to his level. relationships don't work like that.
Same for Jadugar he's having a hard time coz of same reason that wife needsto b changed. i found the comment "This is the kind of individual that are hard to change" so pathetic. u call ur wife individual. this is the respect u giv her. why should she change herself even an inch for a guy like u? u guys wont ever become compatible coz u dont know how to mould urself. but just trying to break ur partner by being hard n strict on them.
*when u marry someone from a diff background or different approach to life, u both change n adjust to each other's lifestyle. if its one person who is giving n other only expecting then its a disaster. coz it has to be 50-50. *
*give b4 u expect anything. make sacrifices and compromises on ur lifestyle first only then u'll know how hard is it to giv up ur ways for another person. only then u'll value and understand ur spouse sacrifices. and if u think u cant do it then leave the other person as is too.
*
Mabrook
I appreciate your comments... and totally agree with your points (high lighted in purple)
But women and men have their faults and if change makes us better then we should embrace it..
I myself have many faults and I respect when someone wants to help me become a better person, all that impacts us is how we are given the steer of changing ourselves...
To be ridiculed into change isn't the way.. to change someone with love.. makes it become easier...
If you fall in love with someone knowing all their faults then I'd give that person a hard time for wanting to change his or her spouse but if you can help someone become a better person then I don't think is is wrong but then before you ask or wish for someone to change you need to look within yourself to see if you have the same faults as you see in others..
yes confucius i agree change is never bad. its part of growing up. its an essential. but there r ways to do it. first if she wants to change she'll change, if she loves him deeply again she'll change, if she sees him changing himself for her again she'll change. we always aborb things from ppl we adore.
in a relation where theres no love yet and theres no interest, respect or sacrifice from husband's side expecting a woman to change coz husband thinks she should is totally unreasonable.
isn't she already leaving so much fo him her home, family, friends, surroundings, culture. that should b enuf for a guy to know n think that b4 asking anything more now its his turn to initiate n show wat he can do for her.