Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
^ Some people CANNOT find a decent girl for themselves and leave it to their parents for the 'chaand si bahu'.
Shaz1, why do you think SHE has to change? Why cannot YOU change? If the mannerisms are DIFFERENT, why do you think your manners are superior to her's?
Remember, its YOU who didn't want to marry the girls that had same mannerisms as you have.
^ Some people CANNOT find a decent girl for themselves and leave it to their parents for the 'chaand si bahu'.
Shaz1, why do you think SHE has to change? Why cannot YOU change? If the mannerisms are DIFFERENT, why do you think your manners are superior to her's?
Remember, its YOU who didn't want to marry the girls that had same mannerisms as you have.
AGREE.
Shaz i read all ur posts n i'm really surprised by ur repetitive statement that girls back home r sly n cunning. r ur roots not from pak? were ur mom or grandmom also british born n raised? if not do u think they were cunning too? i really hate to say but u hav too much negatives going on in ur head.
then ur saying she realli hav to change makes no sense when u urself r not willing even to hav a hair cut. wat if she doesn't actually like ur spiky hair at all. u r still insisting to keep them coz girls around u say u look good in them. but when ppl around ur wife praise or over praise her u don't like it?? do u see the same contradictions in ur thought i'm seeing?
i actually feel sorry for the poor girl who married a guy with not only a big past but only negatives in his head. hav u told her abt ur ex? just like u guys r scared of marrying girls from back home those girls have fears of going abroad as well coz many end up finding the guys they married having current or ex girl friends , drinking probs n no moral values.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
you would rather talk to strangers and take their opionions upon your married life rather than to discuss the situation with your life partner? I mean the worst could happen is 
lol
we pakistan might not know how to walk but we sure do know how to talk 
The problem is not with your wife the problem is with you , why ?
becase you LOOK DOWN upon her because she is a Pakistani born and raised and above all she is a woman.
You think of yourself as SUPERIOR to other in this case your wife and superior to Pakistanis.I think you think of yourself as a super due who can have an ex and can still think high of himself and thinks he has all the qualities in the world
I don’t understand what mannerism you are talking abt ? Do you have a degree in etiquettes ??? Dont try to change her change yourself & your thinking if you can. Stop thinking high of yourself and don’t think of yourself as a better human being just becuase you are from UK.
haha
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
Shaz..........
You NEVER marry thinking you can change the person...ever.
Either learn to love her for who and what she is or leave her alone.
It seems as if you've been spoiled into thinking you are amazing just the way you are...its entirely possible she doesnt find you attractive or as amazing as the men she has come across in Pakistan. For a man who has been living abroad and well accomplished, you may have fallen short of her expectations and thats why you're getting the arrogant attitude from her.
You think you can do better...I think she feels the same.
If you want to make it work...you will have to change your approach to her first in order to see a change from her side.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
^exactly. n gals can very easily sense if a guy is interested or not. feeling lack of interest from ur side might b making her more restless. just think how she'll feel when after moving all the way from pak to UK she finds out that her husband not only had an ex but still secretly cherishes her n compares her with his wife.
giv the girl some chance n who says u cant or shouldn't flirt with ur own wife. u should def do that. u r still like in ur courting period as ur married life hasn't started. flirt with her, show emotions giv her some real imp as expected from a new husband. that might make her more mellow towards u as well. if she says she also likes something u like dont think shes trying to impress u or imitate u coz shes so impressed by u but shes only trying to connect with u.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
look.....it is an old saying that you can mold women the way you want....i understand your intensions are good....however lets have some give and take situation here....tell her the things she needs to change and ask her the things she want u to change....lets scrap spikes....come on i am sure when u have good understanding with her she ll be fine with it...
I am sure if you tell her your things stricktly she ll be fine....
Since you have not spent time with the girl, you are in no position to judge. Phone conversations are dangerous especially in the beginning as the complete intention of what the person is saying, does not really come across through the phone.
give the girl a chance by spending atleast a year with her physically. you owe her that much.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
What if she is guppan on GS and reading all this … 
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
^ She would already have posted a thread...... possibly with a title... 'arranged marriage with a strange spiked BBCD'
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
I am with Mabrook and PSquared. Your head is filled with negative things about the poor girl. She's may just be as complete of a person as you are.A new relationship should start with love in the partner's heart..not resentment and unbearable things about the other person. You say that people in Pakistan say she's gorgeous...to you she's not "bad looking". Let's face it...the first and only thing you know about her right now is the way she looks...why not start with that? You can compliment her once in a while..it won't hurt..she's your wife. She should atleast get the vibe that her hubsand likes her. Maybe, those comments where you find her teasing you are coming from there. People back there think she's very good looking..and her husband doesnt have much to say? Start somewhere. Start positive. Make her feel like she means something to you so she can trust you...and you guys can talk more openly about things that are bothering you and her. But you cannot address things that bother you right away. That's not a way of starting a relationship.
As for all the over the top judgments about pakistani people...pakistani girls. I don't even know where to begin...
There's sly and chalak girls EVERYWHERE...girls raised in the west don't always turn out to be the most innocent either...there's both kinds..shareef and cunning sly. Same goes for Pakistan.
I really feel like the girl doesn't deserve this.
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Shaz, all I’m seeing in your posts is requests for advice on how YOU can change HER!! What makes you so sure that she’s the one that needs to change? Is it because (subconsciously) you really do think you are better than her? Is it because of the “stories” your friends have been telling you? Is it because you view people from Pakistan as backwards? Is it because you feel as a Pakistani woman she is not educated enough, both academically and in the “ways of the world”? (Rhetorical questions…)
I think foolishly, you believe all the bad stories that you’ve heard but you’ve not heard any of the good stories. Everyone always focuses on the negative and the positive things never get a look in. Don’t believe everything you hear and anything that does fall into your ears; take it with a pinch of salt.
Marriage is partnership that involves (amongst other things) compromise and acceptance on both sides, I’m sure you’re already aware of that, a bright educated boy like yourself. Sure, she’s not perfect, but you tell me who is? Yes, she will have some things about her that bug you no end, but equally, there may well be a few things about you that she finds equally irritating. Unless you voice these concerns through a means commonly referred to as COMMUNICATION(!), than there is never going to be any understanding between the two of you and you will continuously annoy/irritate each other.
You need to start calling her and talking to her. I’m not saying you need to spend 2/3 hours on the phone with her, just start off with a few calls here and there. Give her a quick call in your lunch break and say “I was on my lunch break and thought I’d see how your day was going?” That way, you can keep the call short as she knows you are on a break and have limited time. Send a few texts here and there? If she hasn’t got a mobile, send her one as a gift and tell her why you sent it; “so that we can keep in touch and if there is anything you need from me, you can always call/text me”. This shows her that you care for her and you want to be there for her. So, if she ever had any reservations about you, they would easily be dispelled. We women sometimes have a protective barrier that we keep up to stop men taking advantage of us, so it may be this barrier that you are mistaking as rudeness/insensitivity. Making small gestures would allow her to be more relaxed and her barrier would come down.
She probably has the same, if not more, fears than you about marriage, as she will be the one that’s leaving everything she’s known all her life for the unknown. If you show her affection, warmth, friendliness, understanding, that you care etc, then she will do the same for you. If you continually try and change her (which she may likely see you as you criticising her), then she will feel hurt and upset and will likely do the same. I always say to my Husband, “You know I love you, but if you wear that shirt that I hate one more time, I will permanently burn you to it”... Obviously I wouldn’t, but my Husband and I have built up an understanding that I can say what I dislike about him but at the same time he knows I love him, am being jokey about it and I get my point across. What I’m trying to say is that the both of you can help alleviate each others fears, dislikes, cringiness and issues if you begin to communicate and build up an understanding. The two keys elements of a happy and long marriage.
You seem like your heart is in the right place. You want to make the best of the situation you are in for the both of you. And as long as you empathise and communicate, I’m sure you can both make each other very happy... inshAllah..!
And to answer your questions:
1- is it possible to change sumones attitude, thinking n mannerisms. 2- jus hope she is not the sly, cunnin n manipulative type i keep hearin abt who wud jus be after money n always think abt pakistan.
No, you cannot change someones attitudes/mannerisms etc, but you can show them the error of their ways; it is then upto them if they wosh to change..
Don't suspect that she is one of the bad ones. You have no reason to. If you harbour these suspicions, it will inevitably show itself in your behaviour towards her and how do you think that will make her feel?
And finally, I have been with my Husband for 18 months and I still regularily flirt with him. It reminds us both of what we love in the other and flirting is always fun. Lets face it; who doesn't like the attention one gets when someone flirts with them. (if you need hints on flirting, open a thread, lol)..
Good luck!! I pray Allah tallah showers your marriage with much blessings and happiness... Ameen!
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
hmm i like d fact dat u guys r predominantely tellin me im in d wrong. Sara u made me sound so evil by selectin dose bits lol atleas it gives me an insight into my attitude but dose tings were said in d context of this thread to make a point, not to show off. i wudnt randomly throw em in everyday conversation. However, may b i need to make changes to how i approach tings on subconscious level. I am re-evaluating my attitude n approach now.
BDW dis spikey hair ting has been blown outa proportion by everyone, i used dat as an example. Also, she wants me to get hair like zardari, now shud i get dat? not many guys wud do dat, wud dey but i wil try it lol.
thanx peeps 4 ur str8 talkin feedback.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
It might just turn into one of those movie loves ... boy girl cant stand each other and then cant live without each other!!
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
n wid regards to d flirtin,,,id b honest wv u, i find it kinda difficult to flirt in urdu lol sounds silly but feels even sillier. Also, i dn wana b fakin tings like dat, rather keep it real but il praise her more as n wen possible!
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
I think shaz1 has explained his point of view quite well..
I know that in a perfect world . no one would think bad of anyone or change their other halfs (sp) but we need to accept that personalities clash..
I have met many girls very much similar to shaz's wife and you know what some of them annoy the crap out of me and I know that I don't need to live with them 24/7 and fine he is married but I think that he has a right to try and find ways to resolve his concerns..
Guys and girls who have annoying habits can be avoided in normal life but living with it day and night will be frustrating too..
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
Shaz I think you'll be just fine.
Your wife is bringing in HANDFUL of challenges for YOU about her as a GIFT/lol.
Accept it na!
:)