Farrah.....umm.....
^
Roflmao at the "umms"
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
Naabigh it is not as bad as ur making it out, plague o both houses? I jus expressed my inner most fears or feelings here n there must be loads of ppl who go through this when they get married to someone from backhome. I am makin an effort to find out where to go from here and get alternative perspectives...also, I am a very responsible kind of man n wudnt let it get to that stage. this is like a brainstormin session for me where im exploring ideas. Also, my hair style is wkd n galz luv it, far from gayish n im nt one ov them arrogant types atall even though i wud suit it with what i am n what i av achieved but i aint. Now why i dint get married here is a long story,,,In nutshell i was with sum1 for a long tym, different religion, i convinced my family as she said she wud convert but then her mother started dramas n causing issues n she wudnt leave her family n i dint relli want her to. Anyway dat was over a yr ago, met few ppl afta dat but not d marriage type. yea i know u cud argue this is typical guy fukin arnd n den wantin dis dat....Wel i did sincerely look but i was working by dis tym n not meetin any asian galz in my field hence limited choice. I relli think there shud be some legitimate platform for future young muslims to meet up, not for me but for future generations lol i sound like malcom x now ....but yea i am aware that i have made d decision for myself n now i wanted to share other ppl's observations, experiences n knowledge to help me!
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
The nutshell story is sooooooooo ummmmm?!
dude! you're a guy with a longggg past.
Get over with the WALK n' freshieness of your woman!
At least she probably does not have a past - cross your fingers !
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
Just wondering , are really over that last girl in your life ... I hope you aint mapping her with your wife , i mean trying to find similarities between them or molding your wife as per your last girlfriend ...
for me the bottom line is .. its better to be Pat Malone than staying in a relation which has gone Pete Tong in start :)
hence I wish you all the best .. Godspeed !
One month ago I visited pakistan where I got married. Intention was to go there, enjoy and look for girls. Anyway when i was there I basically said yes to this girl my parents liked. In hindsight, i was rushed n i thought fuk it, ud never meet anyone perfect and went along with it. However, i take responsibility for it n it was my decision so das nt the issue. I didn't live with her after marriage and came back two days of getting married. However, now back in the uk, I am just constantly thinking i made a mistake and i could have done better. Not being bigheaded but I have done well for myself, got houses of my own, nyc car, graduated from a good uni, gt a gud job and im reasonably good looking. when our family went to this place after wedding, I felt so awkward when walking with her. I felt oh man what m i doing with this girl bcz they dont even walk proper in pakistan.....Also, dont like her mannerisms, she thinks she is all that and says childish things like she is clever when she is not really,,,and even if she was, why would u blow ur own trumpet,,,may be this is her way of tryin to impress.. Also, she can be very rude sometimes for example saying things like I got nice dark hair but yours arn't, r dey? i was like ryttttttt n ur point is? i got reasonable good hair but i spike them up and she is always saying how it looks stupid etc. she wasn't even joking n she always says things like that. I can diss her so much but i feel it would be rude but she doesn't see such comments as rudeness. I dont even feel like speaking to her on the phone cz the conversation just annoys me more. I know i made the decision of getting married and it is not her fault. I m jus concerned, worried, panicking n all the rest of it lol. Do people change when they come to uk? their mannerisms?
Some girls (and men) from 'back home' do change and become more western in their mannerisms but from experience this is the minority and this is especially the case if ur planning living at home with ur parents cos a lot of the stuff that is 'niggling' u (the straightforwardness, acting more 'desi') are plus points that ur parents might well like/prefer whereas if ur living in ur own place and she goes out to uni or work she will adjust and change naturally. If u encourage her to learn to drive and become independent this will make a massive difference imo.
From other lads I have seen who have gone 'back home' and been pushed into a marriage with a girl they didn't really want what usually ends up happening is when they get bk the small things that irritated them back there are magnified 100x once they come bk to the UK, they get irritated by little things she does, the slight language issues, personality and culture clash and end up dumping her at home most of the time cos they're 'embarrassed' (yes, really) to go out with her (the 'she makes me cringe' u mentioned seems to crop up a lot). Basically they get fed up and end up spending most of their time out with their mates instead and poor girl ends up spending most of her time stuck at home staring at the four walls (often left with hubby's parents). Also, it's not unusual for these lads to get themselves a 'bit on the side' (they'll say the new girl 'understands me better' or 'I'm not really attracted to my wife, just did it to make my parents happy') Really, altho it's obviously easier said than done u should have stood up to ur parents and said a firm 'no, this is not happening.' I understand tho that desi parents are notorious for the pressure and blackmail tactics. Ur right about there being a need for a decent platform for young Muslims to meet up, I suppose tho that it's going to take a whole generation for ppls outlooks to change, the amount of misery that could have been saved if parents simply took their kids personality, compatibility etc. into account when looking for a partner for them :(
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
how old are both of you?
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
Leave the girl alone, she's the one who has to leave her family and everything she know's to come here and live with someone that she probably knows does NOT love her or care for her very much. How would u feel in her shoes? Compare your worries with hers.
Shaz, u r the one who got both of you into this situation, and now u r thinking only of yourself?
You do NOT know what she is like, you have barely spent any time with her. Stop thinking of negative things before anything has even happened. When u eventually live together and you stumble across obstacles, deal with them THEN, don't waste your time worrying about things that may not even happen.
No one is born perfect. If you live with someone then u live with their imperfections also.
Your situation is UNIQUE to yourselves, let NO ONE's negative opinions / experiences affect you.
All the best.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
Are you physically attracted to her in any way?
Are you physically attracted to her in any way?
^ I was wondering that as well. So, Shaz.........do you find this girl to be pretty enough at least for your liking?
Do reflect over the points that have been made in your thread. If you were to move to Pakistan.........you'd appear awkward to the natives of the country as you try to adjust to life there. So.......try helping her adjust and talk to her about your concerns.
Keep in mind that language has it's own style across cultures. It's hard to explain. For example.......western humor/teasing is different from desi humor. Perhaps desi humor might seem more harsh. Similarly mannerisms and the nuances of casual language differ from culture to culture. For example....in Western culture.......it's considered RUDE to stare. In DESI culture......people have lax views about staring and it's not such a big deal.
^Keeping this in mind.........perhaps the things that she says....and the way that she says them.......are simply out of place in the UK because of a change in the cultural environment. Maybe she's not intending to be rude when she teases you about your hair. It could possibly be a juvenile attempt at flirting.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
Deeba wow u sound like u know exactly wat ur talkin about...i will try my best not to be one of those guys u mentioned cz i hate them guys.. its not her fault n i dnt blame her like i said she is not malicious n dont do this on purpose,,so I will not punish her or make her life a misery ,,, hmm I got my own place so my wife will be livin with me. my parents live separate.
Also, why i got married etc... i feel that is kinda irrelevant now as i have done it now so it is not the matter of if i shud stay in this marriage or not, its a matter of how to change her so we can b happy togeda......n not just stay togeda cz we have to b 2gda now. So relli she will have to change her n i expect that, right or wrong.
yea i panic n have thoughs like i will av a borin life n she will neve change etc but overall, i will try to make it work but i relli hope she is not the sly, manipulative n cunning type of girl from pakistan i keep hearin abt from my friends. Naabigh if im honest although when we decided to move on, i thought that was it and got over it but when i got married, it came back to me n initially i found myself thinkin how it wud av bin different with my ex and how much she luved me n understud me n what my life wud av bin like if i was wid her etc. However, I consciously made an effort to stop thinkin abt dat as dats childish n i dont compare anymore and i have stopped having those thoughts now. Now its just a general worri mainly
1- is it possible to change sumones attitude, thinking n mannerisms.
2- jus hope she is not the sly, cunnin n manipulative type i keep hearin abt who wud jus be after money n always think abt pakistan.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
hmm u know shes not badlookin..overall, yea i think she is attractive n goodlookin..actually everyone in pakistan thinks she is gorgeous. However, its subjective isn it. for me attraction is linked to d oda person's attitude, personality etc
1- is it possible to change sumones attitude, thinking n mannerisms. 2- jus hope she is not the sly, cunnin n manipulative type i keep hearin abt who wud jus be after money n always think abt pakistan.
tell all your friends to stop watching the saas-bahu serials ... damn they are awful and i hate them! what a negative impact on you guys abroad if nothing else .. lol
not everyone is manipulative ... come on .. they are everywhere ... and normally you can tell if someone has such tendencies ... so if her family is nice ... then you dont have to worry ...
hmm u know shes not badlookin..overall, yea i think she is attractive n goodlookin..actually everyone in pakistan thinks she is gorgeous. However, its subjective isn it. for me attraction is linked to d oda person's attitude, personality etc
Well the attraction thing is a good start, at least u haven't ended up married to some girl u could never fancy. U do seem to genuinely want to make a go of it, just those little irritating traits she has is making u think twice. A lot of lads would not even make any effort and just find some other girl to give them what they reckon they're missing. It's good u've got ur own place so u can get to know each other, likes, dislikes, ur sense of humour (for example I have quite an immature sense of humour that doesn't go down well with a lot of elders) etc without the overbearingness of other family members. Honestly speaking, those things that were niggling u prob wouldn't disappear if u stayed with ur parents cos most of the time they have a tendency esp when 'back home' girls are concerned, to try and get them to hold onto their 'desi-ness' rather than adapt and adjust to western culture. If u don't like talking to her on the phone cos she irritates u right now maybe u could email each other instead? It's a nice 'gentle' and easy way to get to know a person without having to handle them in 'large doses' lol.
When she comes over try and makes sure she gets out of the house a lot and I'm sure she'll adapt and change naturally to fit her surroundings, that's y I mentioned the driving and perhaps uni or work so she mixes more with outsiders and she'll learn herself to change her behaviour eg not talk in the rude, straightforward way they do bk in Pakistan. Take her out shopping, for nice meals etc treat her as u would if she'd been a girl u'd gone out with and married from here. Also, try and introduce her to other girls her age so she feels more at home and she'll also learn from them those little cultural nuances that can make so much of a difference when it comes to interacting with u. Like I mentioned, the boys often just get 'bored' and the marriage becomes dead cos they go and live the life they should be living with their wife with some other girl instead :( There's a huge gulf in attitude and outlook between our parents and us, unfortunately a lot of them still naively believe that just cos we have desi blood running thru us we must automatically have some common 'bond' with ppl back home without taking into account our surrounding environment and upbringing.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
the more i read these posts the more i feel sorry for the girl. Allah uss pe rehem karay.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
sara why u saying that? If u feel im wrong, plz tel me wt makes u say dat? you might be right,,,,,Also, ur views might help me to reflect on my thinking n re-evaluate the whole situation!
sara why u saying that? If u feel im wrong, plz tel me wt makes u say dat? you might be right,,,,,Also, ur views might help me to reflect on my thinking n re-evaluate the whole situation!
**
Shaz**, there are way tooo many factors playing into your situation. The biggest factor of them all is that your wife is not from the UK.
When people feel out of place.......it can make them feel apprehensive/insecure on the inside. And sometimes they will try to mask that by acting mean or defensive. I've seen that happen. I've even seen girls act mean/tease to get attention....or as a way of flirting. I've seen guys do that too. Not everyone is adept at socializing with the opposite gender.
So, try to educate her gently. Praise her when you see that she's doing something good or right. This will motivate her and make her feel more secure and comfortable around you. You attract more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. So....try a gentle approach. And be mindful of your body language around her. We may not realize that we're doing things (rolling our eyes or turning up our nose) that secretly show our contempt toward another person.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
This is why I am opposed to people from the West marrying people from Pak.
Anyhow, you married her, so talk to her about your concerns. She won't know what to change, unless you point it out. Do it in a polite tactful, but firm way and see what happens. Good luck.
I am just constantly thinking i made a mistake and i could have done better. Not being bigheaded but I have done well for myself, got houses of my own, nyc car, graduated from a good uni, gt a gud job and im reasonably good looking. when our family went to this place after wedding, I felt so awkward when walking with her. I felt oh man what m i doing with this girl bcz they dont even walk proper in pakistan.....Also, dont like her mannerisms, she thinks she is all that and says childish things like she is clever when she is not really,,,and even if she was, why would u blow ur own trumpet,,,may be this is her way of tryin to impress.. Also, she can be very rude sometimes for example saying things like I got nice dark hair but yours arn't, r dey? i was like ryttttttt n ur point is? i got reasonable good hair but i spike them up and she is always saying how it looks stupid etc. she wasn't even joking n she always says things like that. *I can diss her so much but i feel it would be rude but she doesn't see such comments as rudeness. * I dont even feel like speaking to her on the phone cz the conversation just annoys me more. I know i made the decision of getting married and it is not her fault. I m jus concerned, worried, panicking n all the rest of it lol. Do people change when they come to uk? their mannerisms?
wish i knew it would be so difficult n i wud av never got married from backhome. There are way too many differences even though she is educated. I shudnt say it but it makes me cringe even talkin to her..... i know it sounds realy mean but i wish it wasnt d case. Sometimes i cnt sleep when i think about it n sometimes i get realy angry about it. part of me blames my parents. ** Also when i hear stories about girls from backhome being sly, two faced and manipulative, it puts me off even more**.
.To b honest, what adds to my bitterness is i cnt help but compare her to d girls i bin out with before, who were so much better lookin but nt so ful ov demselves or ever spoke to me like dat...dasy i find it more annoyin when shes tryin to be clever wv me. **den i think may be shes tryin to play mindgames as i heard girls frm pakistan r sly n manipulative...i dn know ,,may b im readin too much into it but may b im right...stil **shes reasonably goodlookin. However, shes nt as goodlookin as shes been made to believe by d people around her...which is another annoyin bit abt her. looks r not d issue4 me tho, its d personality, mannerisms n general attitude i simply cnt stand n i hope it will change in time!
i*t is possible to change the mannerisms,, attitudes,,,how easy is it..how long does it take ...this is me making an effort, isn it? *
However, im open minded sort of guy n in a way want u to tel me if u think it is me cz it might be just me.
Also, my hair style is wkd n galz luv it, far from gayish n im nt one ov them arrogant types atall even though i wud suit it with what i am n what i av achieved but i aint.
*So relli she will have to change her n i expect that, right or wrong. * yea i panic n have thoughs like i will av a borin life n she will neve change etc but overall, i will try to make it work but i relli hope she is not the sly, manipulative n cunning type of girl from pakistan i keep hearin abt from my friends. Naabigh if im honest although when we decided to move on, i thought that was it and got over it but **when i got married, it came back to me n initially i found myself thinkin how it wud av bin different with my ex and how much she luved me n understud me n what my life wud av bin like if i was wid her etc. **However, I consciously made an effort to stop thinkin abt dat as dats childish n i dont compare anymore and i have stopped having those thoughts now. Now its just a general worri mainly
*1- is it possible to change sumones attitude, thinking n mannerisms. *
sara why u saying that? If u feel im wrong, plz tel me wt makes u say dat? you might be right,,,,,Also, ur views might help me to reflect on my thinking n re-evaluate the whole situation!
i highlighted the above posts.
you dont' enter a marriage expecting the person to change. if you do..u set them and yourself up for failure.
Deeba wow u sound like u know exactly wat ur talkin about...i will try my best not to be one of those guys u mentioned cz i hate them guys.. its not her fault n i dnt blame her like i said she is not malicious n dont do this on purpose,,so I will not punish her or make her life a misery ,,, hmm I got my own place so my wife will be livin with me. my parents live separate. Also, why i got married etc... i feel that is kinda irrelevant now as i have done it now so it is not the matter of if i shud stay in this marriage or not, its a matter of how to change her so we can b happy togeda......n not just stay togeda cz we have to b 2gda now. So relli she will have to change her n i expect that, right or wrong.
yea i panic n have thoughs like i will av a borin life n she will neve change etc but overall, i will try to make it work but i relli hope she is not the sly, manipulative n cunning type of girl from pakistan i keep hearin abt from my friends. Naabigh if im honest although when we decided to move on, i thought that was it and got over it but when i got married, it came back to me n initially i found myself thinkin how it wud av bin different with my ex and how much she luved me n understud me n what my life wud av bin like if i was wid her etc. However, I consciously made an effort to stop thinkin abt dat as dats childish n i dont compare anymore and i have stopped having those thoughts now. Now its just a general worri mainly
1- is it possible to change sumones attitude, thinking n mannerisms. 2- jus hope she is not the sly, cunnin n manipulative type i keep hearin abt who wud jus be after money n always think abt pakistan.
if you do it with love NOT order than it will surely work.
not every single couple in this world is PERFECT.
1-1/2 year would be tough as 2 different type of personalities clash. you are used to living alone in your house where as in Pakistan every body if stay separate eats and party together.
don't think if his wife did this my wife would definitely do this also.
women can be easily molded with only one thing.LOVE.
her husband is the only person in her life for whom she can do anything IF here husband give her respect,care,love,and understands her well.
Dont freak out. your reaction is normal if you have married her give her the right to tease you also.
Re: MARRIED FROM BACKHOME, NOT HAPPY!!!
I never understood why people leave the entire decision of who their spouse is gonna be, up to their parents. Why would you just wanna DEAL with what your parents picked out?
Atleast go on some halal dates with the person:smack: