Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
I told her to tell everyone there was a major deficiency in me to protect her future prospects and image. But she says she's attached to me. And I have been pretty nice to her and all but we haven't lived w each other *so im not getting why she would hurt herself over me.
*
Because it's marriage. Divorce isn't some joke plus there would be a lot of badnami for that poor girls khandan.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
you sailed on two boats...sinking is often inevitable. you opted the old fashioned way to get married and then you want regret it because you didn't know the girl. this is not the way to make life's the most important decision. you are the one who agreed to marry her [if you didn't want then you should have had courage to say NO!]. please do NOT blame others. you are responsible for your action. marriage is NOT a joke that you marry and divorce in a flash.
the bottom line is: you chose to marry so you must nibhaao now. who knows, tomorrow you and her could be the best of friends.
by nibhaao i mean you must give your 1000% the most sincerest effort to make the marriage work over a period of time. if God forbid nothing good comes out then consider divorce with the intention to separate on good terms. you must try your best.
the rest is up to you, off course!
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
BTW, i wonder if you were married in US instead of Pakistan an dhad to give her half your assets to settle divorce, would you still be going through or would you have thought to try to see if things can work out between you two.
Or she's lose some of her financial assets if she was making more. And it was naive of her to marry him without even talking to him, gotta pay the price for that.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
I wish it were that easy but what would change other than going there and her no longer being a virgin? It has been months remember. Im certainly not coming to a flash judgement. And I refuse to marry her for sex, you must see your partner at an equal or better plain then yourself for it to work out. I have been super mentally stressed by this remember. I can barely function unless I delete all this from my thinking. I just dont see what going there will do other than sexual relations. How will that increase her value in my eyes?
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
You can't predict if she'll harm herself and in my opinion, that shouldn't be a reason for you to stay in a marriage. If she harms herself... She's probably got borderline personality. Hopefully she's being young and immature.
I'm probably going to get insults for this assumption... But I've noticed that divorced girls get tons of rishtas. Especially when they quickly blame the guy. I've seen this happen in my group of friends. They had more rishtas than the never married ones. Having said that, in Pakistan- yes, they tend to get remarried in a more rushed fashion. They try to get a hold of whatever rishta they can.
Maybe it is best for you to encourage her to use the money to continue her education and work. Please do not nibhao this marriage, sleep with her, then divorce her. That will cause more emotional damage. That's the worst thing you can do. This was in her kismet and it is what's best for her. You, she, and your respective families will learn from this. Her family will learn from this too- not to provide false info.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Her family will learn from this too- not to provide false info.
I don't believe her family provided false info. but my sister certainly told me she was younger, had a different major, and was literally running the house, none of which were true. The girl herself told me the truth the night before my mom went to give her pyar (I guess commitment). By then it was a super short window to make the decision and I made the mistake of listening to my Sister. I learned later that we wouldn't meet before the Nikkah and the girl refused to meet me as well. I think if she said yes, I certainly would have no matter what.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
I don't believe her family provided false info. but my sister certainly told me she was younger, had a different major, and was literally running the house, none of which were true. The girl herself told me the truth the night before my mom went to give her pyar (I guess commitment)
Well... Those don't really sound like deal breakers. Nonetheless, you should have been provided correct info and have had time to rethink things after finding out the truth.
Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Is this girl you are engaged to a relative or family friend? what was the reason that your sister gave you false information ? Families presssuring their sons to marry abroad happens quite often. Usually it's an attempt to find someone submissive and dutiful towards inlaws. Sons and daughters are responsible for taking care if their families. Too often families want subpar daughter in laws Bc they don't someone sharp and then want her to SERVE them. Where are your parents and family living ? Remember if you find a spouse to your liking will she get along with family and fulfill their expectations?
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Hi OP, when u saw her pic before the engagement what did u think I her. Avg, ugly, pretty, or just ok nothing special? And when u say education, i thought the level of education would make more of a difference then her major. And the correct age also being withheld, was this all knowingly done by ur parents (to make u agree) or was it witheld by the girls side. But all in all I think I could safely say that it is mainly her way of talking (bad accent/grammar) and lack of exposure that is a turn off for u. As in she is too clueless about all things u know and the world u have seen? U know we can't blame our parents because to them all these things are abstract, all they see is kuri Bari changi aye sadi izzat karay gi and sadday puttar da khayal rakhay gi. They refuse to believe that kids nowadays need more than a housekeeper and a good mother, they want a relationship in which u can have good companionship. Not just someone who can do haandi roti. I understand where u are coming from because my brother was in the same sorta situation but he pulled the plug during the engagement.
It was all my dads pressure and because we were closely related to the in laws my dad said he would not do anything and my brother was on his is own trying to call it off. (Amazingly my dad just blurted out the asking of the hand without consulting with anyone of us, nuclear family, everyone was in so much shock that even the girls side were like k yes thanku but we'd like to make sure that the guy and the rest of the family are also onboard before going ahead with this). My brother said ok because my dad said that if u don't say yes our extended family will fall apart and it will be because of u. So he said yes. Thought everything would feel better and he would feel like a normal engaged person. That didn't happen, he never thought of the girl other than a sister figure and then spoke to the girl (after a year) to call it off.
So OP yes if u totally hate her then the best thing to do is to divorce her. She won't kill herself, she's just trying to pressure u into staying. And ur sending her all this money now and she sees u as a good catch, ofcourse shes going to try to make u stay. I don't know what kind of health issues she might have that could be of so much concern to u? Is it something serious. Were u aware of atleast that before the nikah? If u weren't do ur parents see that as a valid concern. That u guys found out about health issues also after the nikah and it was withheld information?
Anyway I think if the health, age, major etc stuff was a big concern to u we would have heard more about it in the forum and everyone would have given u counterpoints and what not to try to show u the other side. But by ur posts it's practically transparent that u just feel trapped and there is a zero percent chance that u see this thru till the end. If u were a girl then I think u could make it work, but ur frame of mind and u being a guy I don't think that's gonna happen. Ive seen a couple of my girl friends in a situation like this but they made it work and realized that they're concerns were mostly in their heads. They realized that at that time they had idealized other guys (read bfs) and felt those guys would have been perfect for them but lo and behold the guys chosen by their parents were much much better than how life would have been with the bfs. They are extremely happy, with kids, and their interaction with their husbands makes it seem like they had always been in love from the get go. And in both these situations the girls didn't want to be in the marriage but the guys did. So basically it can work and it cannot, depends on what u want.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Is this girl you are engaged to a relative or family friend? what was the reason that your sister gave you false information ? Families presssuring their sons to marry abroad happens quite often. Usually it's an attempt to find someone submissive and dutiful towards inlaws. Sons and daughters are responsible for taking care if their families. Too often families want subpar daughter in laws Bc they don't someone sharp and then want her to SERVE them. Where are your parents and family living ? Remember if you find a spouse to your liking will she get along with family and fulfill their expectations?
Yes I believe this was my case, I did want someone more educated who could work part time if needed. I don't know why my sister was so off but I certainly didn't expect this. This girl wasn't a relative my sister and mom only met her two times before advocating so strongly for her. I am sure if I find love in the future these other issues can be dealt with. A good Muslim woman will respect my family if she loves me but I already know its MY responsibility to take care of my parents. Men and women should take care of their in laws out of love and respect for their partner anyway.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Thank you for the helpful post your first paragraph was right on, yes when I first saw her pic. I was like ok, nothing special. I wanted to talk with another girl who had a masters and seemed to know English. Anyway my Sister who I'm close to is like no the first girl is way better looking and everything I want in a wife, etc... At the time there was another rishta which I liked but my mom went to see the girl and didn't like her, which broke my heart since she was someone I really was attracted to and felt good about. I knew this girls relatives who are great people btw. Also men and women do think differently and I was not compromising on appearance since I consider myself pretty good looking. I'm not shallow surat and seerat was what I really wanted. Also she has a type of sickliness, it isnt major but constant all the time which I didnt expect.
Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
do istikhara. One of my relatives was in a similar situation. He was pressures to marry a girl in a Pakistan Bc all of her sisters were very good with their inlaws. Very dutiful...etc. parents wanted someone who stayed with the family and took care of inlaws. She is pretty good with inlaws but two don't have much mental compatibility. He is miserable but honors the Comittment and he has a kid. Of course she is good bahu - but not the partner he was looking for . He is definitely not happy. He didn't see the girl before marriage Bc the family would not let him see. Pakis then that a beautiful educated girl won't serve her inlaws and will be high maintenance . This might be true --so they go after simple girls who they can control . with aging parents this can be a very difficult issue.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Salaam,
I stumbled upon thus forum and think some of you out there might help me in this situation. I signed a Nikkah (no rukhsati) about 7 months ago and I've been pretty unhappy, depressed, and emotionally drained since.
I largely blame backwards Pakistani culture and its de-emphasis of love and happiness. Sadly my family is part of this nonsense. I was definitely pressured by all the members in my nuclear family into marrying a girl who I didn't particularly like. I was in the States & she in Pak.
First my family got basic facts about her age, education, personality wrong until she clarified everything the night before the engagement. Naive me was hesitant about it, gut feeling said no, but family who I trusted told me all would be good, she was a great girl. A week later they told me I wouldn't get to meet her till after the Nikkah something I never agreed to when I got into this. Anyhow entire family played down my fears, concerns, and the fact that I wasnt particularly attracted to her or in a rush for marriage. Mom used the emotional card("je mera dud pita e te suit la ke shadi kar") and before I know it, in a short 3 weeks, im on a plane to get married.
Long story short she is a good human being but if I was given liberty to meet her first this wedding likely wouldn't have happened. Since this incident I find myself paying more attention to other women, something I didn't do before, ive become less religiously observant, and a deep sense of sorrow, sadness and anger at my family overtakes me. In any case I told my family & the girl. They are pretty upset but I dont care anymore. My fam will talk to hers but our relationship has been damaged, maybe for years. As for the girl she tells me she may hurt herself if I get a divorce. Seems like everyone wants to make threats these days.
As a disclaimer I only saw her the day of the wedding, over two dinners and a lunch. It wasnt much time and we had no plan to consummate the wedding. If I end this marriage now is likely the best time for both of us.
I would say, leave her now. Because I am sure she deserves better. I live in Australia and people around me marry after checking each other out for quite a few years. And end up getting divorce quicker than they decide to get married.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
What do you mean after years of checking each other out they end it?
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
What do you mean after years of checking each other out they end it?
It means, no matter how much you check each other out, every relationship is based on compromises. If you are not prepared to make compromise for her or the next person you choose yourself, then you won't be living a happy life. So first of all, compromises need to be made. Thats a a fact. And whats the guarantee that you get to know someone fully and marry and then you will not find new facts about the new person ? End of the day you will need to compromise. If you are not ready for that, then you will end up losing the next girl too.
By the way, someone once said for women: Dont marry someone you love, marry someone who loves you because he will try to keep you happy. I think same is true for men.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Yes but why is it impossible for both people to love each other? Real love does induce people to make lots of sacrifices.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Yes but why is it impossible for both people to love each other? Real love does induce people to make lots of sacrifices.
I am a little perplexed by this statement.
I don't think people love each other before marriage. I think there is attraction, gravitation that pulls people together.
But is it love? No.
Love is something that builds over time...at least the kind of love that keeps people together...that stuff is not built in a few months.
This experience should teach you something. Find someone that matches your mentality or can at least get there someday...the rest is all up how hard you're willing to work at it.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
Yes but why is it impossible for both people to love each other? Real love does induce people to make lots of sacrifices.
Dont know what you mean by that, You can still love this wife of yours and be happier.
For love you dont need to love before nikah. Love is a feeling which develops with time and caring for each other. Other love is more of lust as you just see a beauty and you want to explore that beauty and conquer it. Its not love. I wanted to marry to someone and got married against that. Can't complain. And now I can say my ex was not the real love. I liked her for few apparent reasons. This one sure is. I know her inside out and real love has developed with time. Couldnt be happier.
If you wanna marry someone else, ofcourse you have the right to go that way. But dont expect happines to be guaranteed. Happiness may or may not come. Same is true for this wife of yours. Happiness may or may not come.
At this time, you have heard of some buzz words and not being practical. Not your fault. bcz you are in that age where this happens. But you will be enlightened with time in everything and will make wiser decisions.
All I am saying is, whatever your argument is, Its not valid. You could have better arguments to end it. For example, you already love someone (or you think so) and you wanted to get married to her. That was for sure a better argument. And no one can deny this right of yours.
Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
^ whatever his reason is, it makes no difference. Theres no right or wrong. it may not be fair to the other person. but If he is certain he does not want to be with this person because of the way he was setup or whatever that's enough to not drag this girl through the mud. I think it would be way worse if he liked someone else. How would that be valid. Like one person and marry another? Op, if you actually tell your family how you feel, and this girl, I think you need to stop worrying about what will happen to her after. That sounds silly to me. Your intentions may not be to hurt her but you will and probably ruin some other marriage ops for her but its better than being in an unhappy loveless marriage or getting a divorce later on. She has her family and she sounds young? So I think she can come out of this. It doesn't seem to be that this was meant to be.
I think your stance on "love" is a little naive. If your being arranged with somebody how much will you really get to explore and find out if you will love this person before hand? Your family doesn't sound like the type to be cool with you taking your time to get to know somebody. Like others have said, love takes time. At the same time you need to make sure you don't lead another girl on the second time around. You seem to be searching for "the one" so the next time your family brings girls to you, tell them right away of whether or not your attracted. Don't humor them, you seem to be struggling with being honest to them. And realize if you like them or not before getting engaged.
Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!
^ whatever his reason is, it makes no difference. Theres no right or wrong. it may not be fair to the other person. but If he is certain he does not want to be with this person because of the way he was setup or whatever that's enough to not drag this girl through the mud. I think it would be way worse if he liked someone else. How would that be valid. Like one person and marry another? Op, if you actually tell your family how you feel, and this girl, I think you need to stop worrying about what will happen to her after. That sounds silly to me. Your intentions may not be to hurt her but you will and probably ruin some other marriage ops for her but its better than being in an unhappy loveless marriage or getting a divorce later on. She has her family and she sounds young? So I think she can come out of this. It doesn't seem to be that this was meant to be.
I think your stance on "love" is a little naive. If your being arranged with somebody how much will you really get to explore and find out if you will love this person before hand? Your family doesn't sound like the type to be cool with you taking your time to get to know somebody. Like others have said, love takes time. At the same time you need to make sure you don't lead another girl on the second time around. You seem to be searching for "the one" so the next time your family brings girls to you, tell them right away of whether or not your attracted. Don't humor them, you seem to be struggling with being honest to them. And realize if you like them or not before getting engaged.
Point is, You should get out of your confusion as soon as possible before its too late for her. She is already compromising a lot and normal pakistani girls are vulnerable to this kind of abuse ( I have to use this word ). They are not strong enough and can't defend themselves from either their own family or the guys who think them of as toy instead of equal human being.