^You spoke my mind dude. Always put your happiness first and let me rephrase. Arrange marriages only works if your family not only understand your wants and needs but do come to a term..to not make you feel guilty about making your own choice and not their choice. Don't get me wrong..but reality on other hand is ..sometimes some fellas aren't innocent either. Lying, cheat and deceiving a girl and their family is rampant as well.
So as long as we don't hurt anyone and live by happiness in our means..it is good.
I've learned lots of lessons from this. Just because someone loves you, like my family, doesn't mean they know whats best for you. And as I said things were very hurried, factual errors, and not knowing I wouldn't meet her till after the nikkah until it was too late. Also my fam said all my jitters would go away after the nikkah.
Since then I've gone through some type of breakdown. I truly believe my life is on the line hence I no longer care how many relations I have to break to get out of this.
Right now most of my nuclear family knows they cant stop me from ending this. My sisters and mom have said they'll end it with me. My older sister, whom I really trusted & who really pushed for the girl now agrees I know whats best for me. My dad and brother in law haven't been as hard & haven't threatened to cut relations. I feel like my parents are pretty sad though. Also I said before I gave the girl as much money as I could so she can go to school or do as she wants. Its enough to cover what they spent on the wedding in my view.
That is just covering the expenses and not a compensation for what she will have to go thru after divorce.
How do you get to know any girl, my assistant is living with this dude fo7 yrs and he says that he still needs more time, he allowed her to keep a dog and she got all excited that
he is getting more committed, are we all meant to be with one person for ever. More and more people are choosing single life..like my other assistant told me serial monogamy...never cheat on a guy as long as u r with him then move on to the next one....make sure u get the party out of your system before u settle down
Well that is entirely another subject. But know enough that you can live your life with them. I am not saying one should take 1 year or 6 months. All i am saying is..as long as enough to know she understands you understand her well. All good. Example of that would be..my friend recently met a girl. It's been 3 months they have been talking and she just clicks very well with him. They know..they are for each other. So you actually never know..for that ya gota trust your instinct.
BTW, i wonder if you were married in US instead of Pakistan an dhad to give her half your assets to settle divorce, would you still be going through or would you have thought to try to see if things can work out between you two.
I am somewhat confused. You say you are almost 30, yet you also claim that your family "forced" you into this? If you are willing to divorce this poor girl now, why agree to begin with? It seems that you wanted to get married to her but then decided there was an out because she didn't turn out to be what you wanted- wake up call, no one is perfect. No one forced you to sign the nikkah papers, at all times you had free will and choice. And do you really think that any amount of money is going to repair the damage which divorcing this innocent girl will do? It is hard enough for unmarried girls to find rishtas let alone anyone else. Seriously just man up. You made a commitment to YOUR WIFE when you agreed to the nikkah, you don't just walk away because she isn't exactly what you wanted. And please don't blame the pakistani culture for your inability to carry through with a commitment. I really hope you wake up to yourself and realize the seriousness of what you are contemplating and the long term effects this will have on your wife.
BTW, i wonder if you were married in US instead of Pakistan an dhad to give her half your assets to settle divorce, would you still be going through or would you have thought to try to see if things can work out between you two.
Whats the Islamic basis for this? As though the unhappy party isnt going through emotional pain right now and later? Why do you assume this is any easy decision on my part. I get becoming defensive about the girl but I haven't been deceptive or used her or other bull evil people out there do. In some cases its better for the girl now instead of later.
I think some people on this thread dont understand family pressure. Perhaps you dont have a family that insists you get into a marriage especially if you're close to them. Like I said I wasnt against family finding someone but I was mislead to even spark my interest in her. And then told we wouldn't meet till after the nikkah, a definite attribute of Jutt Punjabi culture. If these things were made clear at the beginning trust me it would end then.
You went to Pakistan and went through the nikah WITHOUT telling the girl or HER family that you were being pressured into this. Your behavior/words led the girl and her family to believe at the time of nikah that this was being done out of your free will. Now that the nikah is done…all of a sudden you come with a sob story about how you really didn’t want to go through with it but didn’t have the backbone to stand up to your family.
You still truly believe that you didn’t deceive the girl or her family?
@Pahli00, you were obviously listening in on our convos back then right? Thus your rush to judgement. I did tell her things were very rushed and that I did want to see her first but she refused. I'd like to see anyone here call up their potential in-laws and blabber out all their concerns about there daughter if the have the "spine".
Whats the Islamic basis for this? As though the unhappy party isnt going through emotional pain right now and later? Why do you assume this is any easy decision on my part. I get becoming defensive about the girl but I haven't been deceptive or used her or other bull evil people out there do. In some cases its better for the girl now instead of later.
I think some people on this thread dont understand family pressure. Perhaps you dont have a family that insists you get into a marriage especially if you're close to them. Like I said I wasnt against family finding someone but I was mislead to even spark my interest in her. And then told we wouldn't meet till after the nikkah, a definite attribute of Jutt Punjabi culture. If these things were made clear at the beginning trust me it would end then.
You can't really hide behind the jutt punjabi culture. Jutt punjabi culture also teaches you to be a man and take responsiblity of your actions. It doesn't matter, how much your family pressured you (I understand the family pressure), once you are an adult, you have to shoulder the responsibility.
If you hurt someone, court will not take it as an excuse that you were pressured by your family. Maximum it will do is, to hold your family equally responsible, but will not let you off the hook.
LOL @ OP...2 posts back you wrote about how we don't understand family pressure and how we don't have families that insist on us getting into a marriage....yet I'm the one who rushes to judgment?
Yea I get that its difficult to call your in-laws and share your true feelings. Yea I understand that you didn't have it in you (for whatever reason) to let the girl know that you'd have no problem considering divorce if you found out after the nikah that you two aren't compatible. You're a grown man.....take at least partial responsibility for your own actions. You can't control your family but you definitely have 100% control over your own behavior.
If you want to divorce this girl then go ahead. But don't act like you are an innocent victim in this situation. The bottom line is that you CHOSE to make the girl and her family believe that you were getting into the nikah out of your own free will. Yes your family deceived the girl and her family. But don't fool yourself into believing that your own behavior didn't play any part in that deception.
@Iconoclast Whats done is done, I cant change the past but unhappy marriage is impossible w me nor do I plan on a second marriage. I do wish we simply did an engagement back then.
@Paneli I had no plans for divorce. You dont jump in a nikkah with that in your mind. I genuinely thought things would get better. It was only later that things really took a toll on me and I realized this isnt a healthy situation. Why are you guys assuming marriages have to work? People do make mistakes, the sooner you realize that the better.
I did tell her things were very rushed and that I did want to see her first but she refused..
Since you are such an expert on Pakistani culture and family dynamics....why don't you tell us what response you were expecting from a girl in this situation? A girl born/raised in Pakistan....going through a arranged marriage. Was she supposed to say "oh yea great idea...let me tell my ammi/abbu that you and I should meet first!".
Even if she had told you that she agreed with you.....what would YOU have done then? You obviously didn't have it in you to stand up to your parents OR make a single phone call to HER parents to request a meeting. Was the girl supposed to take the lead here and make sure a meeting took place?
Why are you guys assuming marriages have to work? People do make mistakes, the sooner you realize that the better.
We all know that not all marriages work out. And yes, we also know that people make mistakes.
However, in YOUR case, this "mistake" was avoidable. And my main issue is that you're acting like you're the victim here and all the blame goes to your family/Pakistani culture.
Did you not even see a single picture of the girl before the nikah? You obviously spoke with her b/c you told her you felt things were rushed....so you must have been aware of how well she speaks English. I also have a hard time believing that your family hid/lied about her education. Yet these are the things you've listed as things that bother you. And your family told you BEFORE the nikah that you would not get to meet her until afterwards. Yet you still CHOSE to go through the nikah.
I completely agree that this is the best time for a divorce if you already know that you have no interest in staying married to this girl. You can't force yourself to like someone if that attraction is not there. The point I'm trying to make is that you are just as much to blame for this mess as your family.
He screwed up. There's no doubt about that. But news flash, many of us in the US/Canada/UK go through this. I can think of at least 3 ppl who went through what he did. And one was a guy. And there were lies about education, visa status, etc. A lot of times, we're pressured by our parents to look at the other good qualities in the potential spouse despite the hidden info; we're told things will change and get better. It's a gamble. For many couples, it works out.
And there are still people who do not see their spouse until the wedding happens. And yes, it happens to ppl from America marrying someone from there.
OP should have divorced her soon after the nikkah so that the girl's family could say it was an engagement not a nikkah- I know of someone who did that. What's done is done, 7 months later is still earlier than 7 years and 1 or 2 kids later. You can't make it easier for her, cuz likely she'll be devastated and will be dramatic about it. She may not see it right now, but you're doing her a favor by divorcing her. Time will hopefully heal your relationship with your family. Learn from this, choose wisely next time.
OP...the reason you are getting some heat from people is because this girl is blameless here according to your own testimony.
She lives in Pakistan. She is probably young. If she's lucky, she will find someone according to her wishes...most probably her next marriage will be a rushed one out of fear that another rishta might not come along that will accept a divorcee.
I understand family pressure, I deal with it myself. But you really messed up here and your mistakes are messing up an innocent girl's life.
Get out of it, make sure she's okay and you never repeat this mistake again.
Thanks for the support guys, I F'd up for various reasons some in, some outside my control. I'm the type that tries to please everyone but sometimes you end up being displeased & deeply hurt yourself. How likely is it that Paki women might hurt themselves in this situation because I really don't want that to happen?
I told her to tell everyone there was a major deficiency in me to protect her future prospects and image. But she says she's attached to me. And I have been pretty nice to her and all but we haven't lived w each other so im not getting why she would hurt herself over me.
