I stumbled upon thus forum and think some of you out there might help me in this situation. I signed a Nikkah (no rukhsati) about 7 months ago and I’ve been pretty unhappy, depressed, and emotionally drained since.
I largely blame backwards Pakistani culture and its de-emphasis of love and happiness. Sadly my family is part of this nonsense. I was definitely pressured by all the members in my nuclear family into marrying a girl who I didn’t particularly like. I was in the States & she in Pak.
First my family got basic facts about her age, education, personality wrong until she clarified everything the night before the engagement. Naive me was hesitant about it, gut feeling said no, but family who I trusted told me all would be good, she was a great girl. A week later they told me I wouldn’t get to meet her till after the Nikkah something I never agreed to when I got into this. Anyhow entire family played down my fears, concerns, and the fact that I wasnt particularly attracted to her or in a rush for marriage. Mom used the emotional card(“je mera dud pita e te suit la ke shadi kar”) and before I know it, in a short 3 weeks, im on a plane to get married.
Long story short she is a good human being but if I was given liberty to meet her first this wedding likely wouldn’t have happened. Since this incident I find myself paying more attention to other women, something I didn’t do before, ive become less religiously observant, and a deep sense of sorrow, sadness and anger at my family overtakes me. In any case I told my family & the girl. They are pretty upset but I dont care anymore. My fam will talk to hers but our relationship has been damaged, maybe for years. As for the girl she tells me she may hurt herself if I get a divorce. Seems like everyone wants to make threats these days.
As a disclaimer I only saw her the day of the wedding, over two dinners and a lunch. It wasnt much time and we had no plan to consummate the wedding. If I end this marriage now is likely the best time for both of us.
I should mention I've been trying to make this work over 7 months but cant seem to change my heart. Its a deep sense of having over compromised on almost everything. I ruled out a second wife so its a keep her/leave her situation. Just cant stand going through life thinking what if...
There are far better people in context of experience, wisdom and intellect and they will give you better advice, feedback.
I just wanted to ask if u have made a decision without consulting you wife (apparently that's how it seems) how could you just say,
its better for both of us ???
Why dont u just own it and say I feel thats best for me rather than being defensive.
Yes its for me because im the one in an uncomfortable situation. As for her, she didn't need convincing or family pressure to marry me. I put it that way because she is still young, a virgin etc... still desirable. And I am more than sure I will make her miserable if I dont leave this now.
Im not particularly attracted, she turns me more off than on. And that was one requirement for me to marry anyone. There are other issues like education, not speaking English, having some health issues, I guess it all adds up.
So you married a girl b/c your family pressured you. You have decided that you are not attracted to her at all, and there are other issues such as education, health issues etc. on her part. Bottom line is that you do not want to stay married to this girl for the rest of your life. Your family and the girl are already aware of your feelings towards this nikah.
You already know that if this is going to end in a divorce, this is the best time b/c ruksati hasn't happened etc.
So what advice to you want from us? You know what the problem is and the solution to your problem.
Its not so simple, I want to make sure this is ending for the right reasons and is the best decision. Perhaps im not considering something. Maybe distance is a factor. But I just strongly feel if things were gonna be good they would have been from the beginning.
^ You are not attracted to her. She turns you off more than she turns you on. You have issues with her English, education, health issues. You don't think these are "right reasons" to end a nikah that hasn't been consummated?
How about this......why don't you list some things you actually do like about your wife. What traits does she have that leads you to believe that you could happily live with her for the next 40 years?
If you are ending it and divorcing her sooner rather than later, it would be to her advantage that she is still a virgin so she would be able to find a better, more compatible match for herself.
Is she still in Pakistan? What would happen if you try to make it work? How much have you tried to talk and get to know her or given her a chance to be close to you? Is there absolutely no chance that you will feel attraction towards her? Both of you are straight right? One advantage of this marriage is that both families like each other and she is to your parents' liking. Education and English can be improved upon. In terms of health issues, are they permanent, long term health problems?
It's better if the two of you get a divorce now rather than later, after having 2 or 3 kids. You should not have agreed to the marriage in the first place, but what's done is done, just make sure you don't prolong this state of uncertainty. Make a decision and stick with it.
So you married a girl b/c your family pressured you. You have decided that you are not attracted to her at all, and there are other issues such as education, health issues etc. on her part. Bottom line is that you do not want to stay married to this girl for the rest of your life. Your family and the girl are already aware of your feelings towards this nikah.
You already know that if this is going to end in a divorce, this is the best time b/c ruksati hasn't happened etc.
So what advice to you want from us? You know what the problem is and the solution to your problem.
Very good advice but I wish more people would stand up to family pressure before making the commitment, the nice thing to do would be to at least compensate the brides family for any and all expenses, since they are the injured party..also in classy people parting gift is a good idea, maybe she wants to immigrate, ask her if she would like that and you can help her immigrate, but you definitely can not marry someone you can't love, she needs to be with a man who will love her, this won't be fair to her also.
the family pressured marriages where the two people or one person isn't happy only causes more and more resentment in the unhappy person which causes the person he/she married intense loneliness and pain. But both would get the divorced tag attached to them. Our desi community isn't very kind to that tag. Wouldn't the fact that your parents like her cause you to see some good in her
I know atleast two desi guys that married only because of family pressure. One is very easy going and will keep her happy no matter what just because his family chose her as a perfect, good match for him but he also finds her attractive. The other desi guy just closed up to his wife which did cause her a lot of pain and it did end in divorce but years later. so in the second case, a divorce sooner rather than later would've been the wise choice.
Sometimes the heart knows what it wants. It sounds like your asking us if this would be a good idea to move forward. You don't want this girl. So find your voice and courage and spare everyone any further heartache. Tell your family this isn't what you want. You don't want to drag it any longer and they'll need to accept it. Unless they want to drag you kicking and screaming to the stage, you don't want this marriage. Why are we even talking about consummating, you don't like her. So do what you need to do to make this situation right. We get it you'll be unhappy and it's okay to voice what's in your heart. If you loved this girl and your family was against this wedding, how hard would you fight for it? Same thing. Its your responsibility to do what you need to. It's not going to go well but it's better than dragging this girl into a bad scenario.
Its odd that you have gathered the courage to go against everyone (your wife and your family) and potentially end this marriage, but couldnt find the same courage back when you werent even engaged?
Its weired but I think a lot of people find the courage to effectively say NO to marriage afterwards more so than before because of family pressure and 'guilt', and funnily enough people figure out its not what they wanted until its a little too late.
Anyhoo, I really feel for you, your parents shouldnt have pushed you into something you really didn't want. But I think it would be better for the both of you if you made the decision to split now rather than later when there are way more factors at play. But, maybe before this step you could try give her one more chance before completely ending a marriage. Why don't you book tickets and go over there, just you and try spending time with her. Figure out if you two do have anything in common after all and if you can see a future with her. You should talk to her and understand her. If this fails then atleast you know you tried.
And lastly, you shouldn't lose your faith in God. Keep praying because whatever happens, happens for a reason so be strong and keep believing. IA God will give you the strength, guidance and courage to do what's best for you. Religion doesn't say stay in an unhappy marriage, but unfortunately, our culture can sometimes push people to do just that.
Wish you happiness and success in whatever choice you make.
:)