She is a good person, a loyal girl, and more attractive than lots of other Pakistani women. But she isn't my type physically or psychology. I found the courage to push back because I realized my family doesn't necessarily know whats best, especially since im not happy. Also i believe my faith supports love with your partner its our backward culture that fights it. I think it was triggered after spending some time observing the girl in person. Also I feel like im hurting her by not loving her back.
Also we only had 3 weeks between engagement and wedding. I did send her a decent amount of money to help her do whatever she likes. Also I told her to tell everyone I was a bad person so she isnt blamed. Its hard telling my friends and I dont socialize as much anymore but i won't be miserable for anyone else especially when they aren't w me 99% of the time. Are there any other tips to help insure the girl still has a good life?
You blame Pakistani culture for the fact that you lack a backbone? Grow up and take responsibility for your actions. You have already dragged it out for 7 months. The longer she is engaged to you the harder it will be for her to find another suitable match. End it from your side so she can move on with her life.
Yes I blame a culture that doesn't let you meet your wife before the wedding. Tell me how many other people around the world do that? I didn't even know that would happen till after the engagement. Also a culture where your mom uses the emotional card to get you in a wedding you otherwise aren't comfortable with. Im sorry that people there dont believe love and happiness are necessary in marriage. But im just saying what I've observed.
I wish people would take it easy on him. The best thing he did is that he didn't use her for sex and respected her enough to keep her a virgin. A lot of men might have taken advantage of the situation and that would've caused her even more pain if he had divorced her after doing that.
Atleast he is thinking about taking a gutsy chance now atleast after only 7 months rather than other desi men that would drag it out for years even if they feel nothing for the girl they married by rushing in or pressure
Trust me I dont lack guts when it comes to my feelings. In this case it was my family who I loved and thought understood me that I had to oppose. Once again they succeeded in scaring me into a wedding saying I was almost 30, couldn't make a decision, girls soo good blah blah. Families can be good at convincing you into things. I definitely brought up concerns after the engagement but in their eyes the wedding had to happen. I made it clear attraction was necessary and the types of women I liked. They kept saying seerat over surat, but now i understand i have to have both. I even have the option of a second wife, which the girl and my fam would rather support, but I think it would only increase my headache.
I tried to see good in the situation for months but I know I won't survive in an unhappy relationship. Ill always regret not marrying someone else. Your wife at least needs to be better than most women in your eyes.
I want to know something, in Pakistan, desi culture does the whole family lose respect (look bad) if you get a divorce or just the couple?
You've made up your mind and still asking for reasons for doing it the right way. In these situations there is no right way, there are no logical steps. This is the reason divorce is the most unpleasant thing in our religion, but if you are not willing to live with your spouse it is permitted.
Stop looking for any decent, right way to do this, because there isn't any. Her heart will be broken, her family might suffer but being optimistic, I'd believe that she will get someone who gives her respect and love that she deserves as a human . The same goes for you.
Ok you should stop worrying about what will happen. No one loses respect, divorce is not a crime. It isn't your fault, it isn't her fault. You are just doing it so you and get both are happy. IA you both will find what's in your naseeb. Divorce ke baad insaan mar nahi jata. Life goes on. Yes its hard, probably harder on the girl but if you'll divorce her later or both of your lives will be miserable, why not just end this relationship right now.
IF you are POSITIVELY CERTAIN this girl cannot make you happy...then make a move and make it now. Time will only make things worse. Right now, she can get re-married saying it was only Nikah but as time goes on it will get harder and harder for her to move on. She will lose her time, her youth and possibly chances to be happy with someone else.
Trust me I dont lack guts when it comes to my feelings. In this case it was my family who I loved and thought understood me that I had to oppose. Once again they succeeded in scaring me into a wedding saying I was almost 30, couldn't make a decision, girls soo good blah blah. Families can be good at convincing you into things. I definitely brought up concerns after the engagement but in their eyes the wedding had to happen. I made it clear attraction was necessary and the types of women I liked. They kept saying seerat over surat, but now i understand i have to have both. I even have the option of a second wife, which the girl and my fam would rather support, but I think it would only increase my headache.
I am kind of going through same issue as you're. But in my case..family is pressuring me to just settle down no matter who that is. But thing about me is that..i am firm to them (not disrespectful). But just firm that..i cannot just settle down with a girl like that. Without even knowing her and have attracting with a girl. But i have learnt a lot from your thread.
And as per your thread dude..i say let her be. It is just 7 months. I hope and pray to Allah that.. Allah gives her and you happiness going separate ways. Because you do not want to live a life of misery. I would rather live single than go through a misery in life like this.
**I wish people would take it easy on him. The best thing he did is that he didn't use her for sex and respected her enough to keep her a virgin. A lot of men might have taken advantage of the situation and that would've caused her even more pain if he had divorced her after doing that.
Atleast he is thinking about taking a gutsy chance now atleast after only 7 months** rather than other desi men that would drag it out for years even if they feel nothing for the girl they married by rushing in or pressure
Agree..
To be fair I think a lot of people would cave and go along with the wedding if this happened to them.. It's easier said than done to stand up to your parents..
OP, do you have siblings and if so what are their thoughts on this?
Tell the girl what u think and tell her it's in her best interest not to go ahead with it, however, you and your family owe her compensation. You are causing her hurt and pain and should take responsibility.
I've learned lots of lessons from this. Just because someone loves you, like my family, doesn't mean they know whats best for you. And as I said things were very hurried, factual errors, and not knowing I wouldn't meet her till after the nikkah until it was too late. Also my fam said all my jitters would go away after the nikkah.
Since then I've gone through some type of breakdown. I truly believe my life is on the line hence I no longer care how many relations I have to break to get out of this.
Right now most of my nuclear family knows they cant stop me from ending this. My sisters and mom have said they'll end it with me. My older sister, whom I really trusted & who really pushed for the girl now agrees I know whats best for me. My dad and brother in law haven't been as hard & haven't threatened to cut relations. I feel like my parents are pretty sad though. Also I said before I gave the girl as much money as I could so she can go to school or do as she wants. Its enough to cover what they spent on the wedding in my view.
^Right on bro..right on. You gota do what you gota do. You do not want to live life and be miserable. And i hope you do find someone who makes ya happy. Parents do use emo-blackmail always..and they always will. But we have to stand our ground and not let them take advantage of us like that.
^I had to learn that the hard way. My mom is a breast cancer survivor so I was really hesitant to hurt her but it would have been better then as opposed to now. In any case im still trying to salvage the situation and make a new life for myself. Arranged marriages only work if your family really does understand your wants and needs and puts your happiness first. Otherwise they shouldn't be in the selection process.
I am kind of going through same issue as you're. But in my case..family is pressuring me to just settle down no matter who that is. But thing about me is that..i am firm to them (not disrespectful). But just firm that..i cannot just settle down with a girl like that. Without even knowing her and have attracting with a girl. But i have learnt a lot from your thread.
And as per your thread dude..i say let her be. It is just 7 months. I hope and pray to Allah that.. Allah gives her and you happiness going separate ways. Because you do not want to live a life of misery. I would rather live single than go through a misery in life like this.
How do you get to know any girl, my assistant is living with this dude fo7 yrs and he says that he still needs more time, he allowed her to keep a dog and she got all excited that
he is getting more committed, are we all meant to be with one person for ever. More and more people are choosing single life..like my other assistant told me serial monogamy...never cheat on a guy as long as u r with him then move on to the next one....make sure u get the party out of your system before u settle down