Marriage falling apart :(

Lifestyle Relationships
121

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

hi smiles hope u r doing ok. i can understand why u feel that u cant live with out ur husband. could it be that he is familiar to you and the unknown scares you?
u shd take some time off for yourself. tell ur husband that since ur mum is ill u need to take care of her. as u knw in islam no1 has as much rights on us as our mums so he dsnt have any grounds to refuse. wen u r with ur mum then try to not talk to your husband over the phone for hrs. take a break from him and his family.

take some time off think abt ur life. can u realistically do everything which women with a lot of support from family and husbands find very very difficult to juggle? babies r all consuming. do u knw the extent of ur pcos? being of good weight and eating healthy can significally improve ur fertility. and in the grand scheme of things a few mnths wnt make a whole lot of difference.

also if u dnt have friends talking on the internet can give u a good sounding board

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

but that's the whole point.....there are so many other ways to look at the situation.
there could be so many other things at play that you simply cannot/will not see until and unless you take care of your emotionally broken state.

repair yourself first!

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Have a baby, wait a few years until baby is old enough for daycare/preschool etc (4 years?), start working towards your career. Your husband seems to be doing a lot for you, for his family and what he's asking in return isn't wildly inappropriate or crazy - 6 years is a long wait. I agree with the post Iconoclast made earlier, his wishes should be taken into consideration.

If you don't want to wait...schools and higher education programs offer loads of assistance to young mothers (nursery, daycare etc). I don't know why I'm reading so many responses of how impossible it is for a young mother to achieve these things...it's difficult, definitely...and you'll miss a lot of precious moments with your baby...but that's a small sacrifice in the long run of things for yourself and for your family.

Take a few deep breaths and map out plans for yourself - different routes you can take to achieve the same goals. Lay them out in front of your husband and talk about it, whichever suits both of you best....go for it.

Have faith in Allah, have faith in your own abilities, and nothing is impossible.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

6/7 years and you still refuse to give ur husband kids ? .. u r so selfish

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

^ Kind of rude. =/ Every couple has their own problems and situations to deal with.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Wouldn't it be more selfish to bring children into a completely unstable and dis functional environment.

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Marriage falling apart :(

I personally think you need to work on ur career, IF things do lead to an ultimate breakdown atleast you can back yourself financially and carry on with life instead of just being left with a kid and no skills etc. having a child is NOT the answer. You seriously need to decide what to do whts best for you aswell. From what youve wrote your husband wants it to be about him, have a baby, maybe go to college, no work etc. thats unfair. I wouldnt come off the bcp if i was in ur position and totally sure this is right for me. While divorce is hard there is no shame in admitting it hasnt worked abd there is NO Reason why you cannot move on in life and find someone if it gets to that stage. People tend to marry later in life anyway

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

unstable adn dysfunctional ? .. she doesnt even live wiht her in laws .. women live in in laws tiwh three families living all toegther .. n she has depression .. everything looks donw to her looks like a huge problem .. her husband is just her puppy in her hand and she just keeps crying that oh im depressed cuz your fmailiy did this u did this .. he loves her teh way they speak .. she just making excuses .. why did she marry him and waste 6 years of married life if she doesnt want to have a family ? .. if she wanted to start a career adn make her life so to speak and bla bla and all that other jazz then she should have done that like 8 years ago .. thats not fair tot he husband .. every couple has problems.. what she is decribdd is like nothing .. she just wants everything her way ..

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Women who have children can further their education and/or have a career ONLY when they have some type of help. If you go back and read what OP wrote carefully.....you'll realize that according to OP....she will have 0 help. Her own family isn't there to help her. Her in-laws will not help her. And she specifically stated that her husband is against daycare.

Also, more than once she wrote that once marriage took place, her husband told her she could not work b/c her in-laws are completely against the idea of her working. Even though he told her otherwise before marriage.

The issue here isn't whether or not a woman can be a mother and also have a career. The issue is that her in-laws and her husband have made it clear to her in the past 6 years that they don't want her to further her education and/or study. Her husband wants her to have a baby but is against daycare. So REALISTICALLY, given OPs specific situation, the odds her being able to study/work if she has a baby are very slim to none (personally, I vote for none).

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

^ I think, from reading her posts, she just needs to lay down a few plans in front of her husband and discuss things. Each post throughout the thread seems to make her husband seem less and less rigid/weird. It just seems to me a case of clearing her head, putting aside her emotions and discussing with her husband clearly.

I don't know, I also feel like a lot of the time...when the situation arises people rise to it and handle it differently than they might have said. Bear in mind, we are only hearing one side of the story. =/

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

I guess, yes, the unknown does scare me, but I also love him since 10 yrs so at this point, I don't know why I can't let go. It it because my love for him is too strong or is it because of the fear of the unknown, I don't know :(
Like I said before, I can't go to my mom's. My parents are divorced and she lives with a friend of hers as roommates. She has problems of her own and I don't want to add to the stress. I did take a 3 month break like I mentioned in one of my previous posts.
I'm not that much over-weight, may be like 5-10 pounds. I'm not Insulin Resistant either, but still being monitored for it. It's just I have too many cysts and my LH:FSH are out of whack!

My husband doesn't want any daycare or anything like that. I don't have family support from my family or his either. I don't mind waiting if there was a plan laid out and I know for sure that I'll be able to follow it and my husband won't disapprove. It's just that if I do have a baby, I don't want to regret later with too many "what ifs". I'm doing Istekhara since 4 nights, let's see!

Well, may be you didn't read all my posts or can't understand what it is to be in my shoes.

You're right, I don't live with my in-laws YET. They might decide to move in any day even though they live two doors down. Them not living with me gives me so much to deal with, think about when they do move in with me! I never said my husband doesn't love me. I always said we both love each other so much, hence, didn't think about divorce as an option. I "wasted" 6 years of married life BECAUSE my husband had promised me to let me finish my studies first and THEN start a family. I've been waiting for him to let me START, let alone FINISH! I don't want everything my way. That's why in my earlier posts I said since me and my husband are so different but I want a MIDDLE GROUND for both of us. If he promised me he'd let me finish MED SCHOOL before we have kids, he should've fulfilled his promise. Now, that it's not possible, I'm just settling for master's. Why? Because he needs more money for his family!
He's not a puppy in my hand at all. If he was, I was probably gonna be in medical residency right now!! Yeah, every couple has different types of problems and likewise, everyone has different opinions on what is a "big problem" and what is a "small problem".

That's right I have 0 help from all sides. Hubby isn't against education, he's just against the time. He just wants to have a family FIRST. But, I don't know what I should do because his decisions change because of his parents. He wasn't against me working UNTIL his parents filled his ears. So, I don't know if he'll change his mind or what.
But, as of last night, he said he's ok with me working and going to school, if I try for babies before the end of this year. I don't know, I still haven't had an open discussion with him, due to the fear of a full blown argument. I'm doing istekhara since 4 nights, so let's see.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

you're right. I do WANT to lay down plans in front of him. But every time I even start to mention anything, he just says first and foremost plan is a baby, we'll see the rest later. And sometimes, he says the opposite. So, really I don't know what to believe because he's so unpredictable. I want to discuss everything clearly and bring it up many times and most of the time his answer is "we'll talk later, let's focus on kids first". Tell me, that won't bother you if you were in my shoes?

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Marriage falling apart :(

Well then you should reply 'no kids until we have discussed everything and put in writing.'. He is bluffing. There will be no point in discussion after, it will be first look after the baby as no daycare, then first next baby as first will feel lonely, then the one after an so on..and there goes the next decade of your life.. And come retirement age, you will still be asking to do go to school and he will be first the grandkids and then my mum Do you get the picture? He doesnt care about your dreams, its simply not important.

If you dont put your foot down now, you will deserve everything you get in your life. Its as simple as that.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

^ The problem is, I can't put my foot down. I'm scared that it'll cause more problems, like him telling me to leave and go to my mom's--which is not possible for me either. So, basically, I have no where to go :(

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Do you have any physical or mental disability that prevents you from getting a (ANY) job and earn money? Do you realize that when you earn money, you can rent an apartment on your own? You live in the U.S. right? I assume you're aware that there are countless women out there who support themselves who don't even have a college degree?

I get that you're scared and that's understandable. But don't try to make it seem like you don't have a choice but to stay in this situation. No one and nothing is forcing you to stay. It's a CHOICE that you're making.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Yeah, I do realize that many women do it and some are even living a good/happy life. But, believe it or not, my case is different. I already come from a broken family, if I get divorced and make ends meet like my mom is doing now, it's only gonna make people talk more. You don't understand how much drama comes with it, from family or society, especially DESI society. And, I want to get away from the drama, not cause more of it :(

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Marriage falling apart :(

Then what are you waiting for? Do as he says. Or what your inlaws say rather. No more drama. End of.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

don´t afraid of the sentence ´´ leave me and go to your mom´´, if he loves you he will not stay without you either,believe me, just take a stand please

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

LOL.....yes everyone thinks they're that one special snowflake. Well it looks like you have your answer right there. Your #1 priority is to make sure that people don't "talk". Then stop all this talk about job/career, get off BCP asap, and live life being a good, obedient wife and bahu.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your in-laws and husband will not change their views/beliefs. Due to the choices you made in the past, at this point there will be price to pay in order for you to pursue your education/have a career. If you don't want to pay that price....that's your choice. Then be happy with your choice and do the next thing that'll make the family/desi society happy.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

D1, I'm not even going to bother to tell you my two cents about why you SHOULDN'T care what other people are saying or will be saying. Nothing seems to be registering to you. It seems like this thread was created in order for you to have an outlet for your stress but your not actually looking for any answers from anyone here. There is always a "but" to every response you are given. You can't really leave, don't really want to stay, can't find yourself a job, don't want to try and stand up on your own two feet, don't want people to talk, have no support... well then why are you asking for help? Have a child and be done with it. It won't change your situation. You still won't be able to pursue all of the things you want REGARDLESS of anything.

All I have been reading in this thread is med school, med school, med school. You have been with this guy since you were a teen and now you are 27? Didn't it occur to you a year into your marriage, three years into your marriage, fine maybe even FOUR years after you got married and still hadnt started your studies that you were running out of time for med school THENN???? You are just realizing that you are out of time now and now you have started to think about other options for yourself??? What is the point, you won't be able to even use that education anyway if your husband and his familly refuse to let you work regardless of if you had become a doctor. In my opinion, someone who really wants to commit to med school or anything else as demanding would of done it BEFORE marriage. It doesn't make sense for you to even be thinking about it now because of your situation so maybe its time to let school go. If it was such a priority maybe you should of put more effort in that aspect of your life as opposed to fighting to be with your husband. You need to live with your choices and be and done with it.

Just accept the fact that you made some really bad decisions when you were younger, they will haunt you for life but learn to live with them and be at peace with what YOU HAVE now. No one can help you if your not willing to help yourself. All you need to focus on is being a much better example for those children that you will have, that part seems for sure.