Marriage falling apart :(

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Best place for two doormats is on opposite sides of the house - one on the front landing and the other in the back yard ...

Don't get divorced - just have a break from one another and think about what you really want from each other ...

Write it down on a piece of paper and exchange them

Cross the things off that you really can't do and he can do the same ...

Discuss the conflicts and seek out help - if the issues are over Islamic matters then get Islamic clerical help - you will find there are middle way solutions.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

  I wish I knew what I'm waiting for :(

He's said that many times. Unfortunately, sometimes only "love" is not sufficient to keep two people together :(

It never occurred to me bcoz he always delayed, bcoz of the "money". His priorities are obviously different than mine, so whatever he had saved was spent on things on his family. I kept waiting bcoz he always told me to wait a few more months. And, I'm still waiting.....
You're right, I did make bad decisions in life and probably have to live with them now. Either way, whatever way I choose, my decisions are gonna haunt me, no matter what. It's just that I'm having a hard time figuring out which way is WORTH IT!
AHHHHH SOMEONE NEEDS TO INVENT A TIME MACHINE, I WANNA GO BACK 10 YEARS!!!!!

I have suggested to write all this before and his reply was it's a "fazool" thing, go figure! He's said it clearly that he doesn't want me to study or work, but if I'm so depressed over it, I can do it on my own and he won't be happy though. So, why let me do something and make me feel guilty at the same time?! Either let me do it with your heart, or let me do it but don't break my heart by making me feel guilty!
Sometimes I feel like I'm wrong in everything, and he's right. Am I really that bad for wanting to do something in life and keep my life balanced in every way? :'(

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Peace D1DatSmiles

His reluctance is probably based on misplaced values. It seems he is somewhat religiously driven ... So empower yourself with religion.

1) Address his pride ... Show him from the Qur'an that pride should belong only to Allah, to allow you earn or study ... it does not lower his dignity but raises it.

2) Rahm ... Mercy ... The correct way to be for a true man is soft in the home with his family and firm outside with others.

3) Female education ... Look for Hadith showing that we should educate our women so we may have an educated ummat

4) Earning women - tell him you want to adopt the sunnah of Hz. Khadijah (RA) ... Or umm ma'bad ... The lady who has given the best description of RasoolAllah (SAW).

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

So what will you do D1, what will you do? The clock is ticking...

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

You're right! He's very religiously driven, but at the same time culturally/family influenced too---which at times is a deadly combination! I've addressed most of these points you mentioned and he says that's why he'll let me study (in future or whenever) and that's why he's not plain out saying "no". Today he said, he'll let me study, is the situation is "right". Usually, the situation is not right because either the time is not right (in his eyes) or the money we have saved goes to his family's needs. Plus, he doesn't want me to take loans because of interest being haraam and all. He said, I have to trust him, but he won't promise because he doesn't want me to be heartbroken if he promises and then the situation isn't right. I don't understand what is a "right" situation.
To him "right situation" is if family needs are being met, house duties are fully performed, children are well taken care of, money is being saved, etc. Yeah, these are right situations, but how the heck do I know if ALL these things are gonna be right in the future and in harmony, just like he wants? So, basically, I just wait till he approves that the situation is right?

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Smiles u r wasting ur life. Every desicion will have consequences but that's life.
Life is very long, u think 6 yrs is a long time, what about 10, 15?? Can u live like this? Life is nt gna wait for u.
I hope u get peace whatever u decide

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Yeah, Insha'Allah, I find peace in whatever I decide. I've been doing istekhara, today's gonna be my 5th night, I'll continue to do it till something major unfolds, insha'Allah.
But, you guys, he really is a good husband. I live with him, I know! I mean yeah there are better men than him, but he's not bad either.
I, myself am reluctant for divorce because I love him. Yeah, I want to run away from it all, but isn't that what every person who's majorly stressed in all aspects of life wants? Or is it just me? If our thinking/our values/goals matched a little bit more, It really would have been a happy marriage (minus the in-laws part, of course). We just clash because we were raised differently (MY FAMILY IS NOT RELIGIOUS) and have different views about things, and I just don't know how to get over this clash!

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

^BTW, does anyone here have any suggestions for this type of clash? Like, I was raised differently. He is majorly religiously driven, culturally influenced, and influenced by family. I'm the opposite. I'm religious, but not hardcore like him, not culturally influenced at all, not family influenced either. So you see, we're really different. I guess in our case, OPPOSITES really did attract big time! I don't think I've ever seen people with these two opposite personalities ever fall in love, seriously!
So yeah, anyone have any ideas to how to overcome this clash? I think this is one BIG aspect of our relationship that needs to be taken care of first. Thank you Psyah for bringing it up indirectly! :)

P.S---This is different topic, It really doesn't have anything to do with him letting me study/work/etc.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

D1 love and marriage can sometimes be two very different things. yes, opposites attract but i think the saying usually refers to more superficial aspects of a marriage not how different two people are because of the way they have been raised. if you guys had been in love isnt this something you knew about him before you were married? shouldnt you accept that this is the way he and his family are. you married into this and now you need to live with it. you need to do whatever it is you need to do to please them BECAUSE you chose this. whether or not you knew about their tendencies but you must of had an idea of his. how can someone who married you on his own accord all of a sudden be under the spell of his family? i just dont understand that and based on this post it becomes more and more apparent that you were the immature, ignorant one in the relationship. we dont just marry our husbands, you seriously are thrown into a relationship with his family but think its fine because he "loves" me. no doubt that he does, i am sure hes a good guy, i am sure your a good girl too but isnt marriage about compromises? understanding each other? coming to a middle ground, not just i want this or that. if he wants a child and you want to study where is the middle ground??? if you both are SET on these things then how will you happily give him a child and how can he happily let you study. if finances were the biggest issue of him now letting you study, isnt there financial aid, isnt there state aid, grants, scholarships available ?? i dont think anyone living in a western country can say they had no resources to study. you said you werent even working while you werent in school?? there could of been so much else you could of turned to if money was the real issue. ALOT of students have to support themselves if they really wish to pursue further education. how can someone with a good job like you said your husband has not have enough to give you 25% of your tution and you come up with the rest. Wouldnt that have been a compromise ? wouldnt it atleast been enough if he had said look i cant afford it so apply for financing, but he doesnt even believe in THAT?? so again, from both sides of the fence there is NO COMPROMISE from what you have told us. you werent willing to give up med school TILL NOW and he wasnt willing to help you atleast by telling you that he'll pay for a masters or something else in the mean time but not stopping you from doing ANYTHING at all for the last 6 years?? like couldnt you have found a job at the mall like most students need to? SOMETHING to keep your schooling going?? when he told you he couldnt afford med school in the very beginning why didnt you pursue a masters then.

i just dont understand how someone who is so career driven could of sat in her house for 6 years with not doing anything? you could of gained so much experience in that time, you could of even finished your masters, and have had a child....

lets be real. you dont want to leave this person. you are understanding to his situation, then accept it him as he is. if you are not willing to do so, then do more with your life. forget school and look for work anywhere? start a knitting club at home, who cares? or just have a child and become a full time mom, i mean youve been at home this entire time anyway. it seems to be that you are looking for a meaning in life. why not go home and help your mother. i dont understand how someone who has seen their own parent go through a helpless situation is sitting in her married home complaining about life, if you cant seem to make your husband happy, cant seem to make yourself happy, go and do something for the parent you turned on when you got into this marriage. by the sounds of it she is extremely sick.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

^ THANK YOU.

This thread just feels like a bunch of whining, no offense. You KNEW what you were getting into...deal with it now. You seem to have a "...but this and that blah blah" for every advice offered your way in this thread. It seems like you don't want to be out of the situation you're in. And I agree with S and S, if your husband doesn't believe in interest/loans...there's grants, scholarships...get a part-time job at the university you're gonna apply for...or at the mall wherever... you had/have a lot of options. You just don't seem to want to take them into consideration. =/

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Marriage falling apart :(

You seem to think divorce is the only option here, when it clearly is not.

For six years you sat there giving up your precious years in age and finance to your laws, that isn't compromise, that is being taken for a mug. You are being taken advantage of because you are isolated in every way and have no support network to turn to. And that will continue until you get some back up.

I dont think you have the courage to take any steps yourself..as you mentioned you are scared he might leave you. I would suggest getting advice from your mum on how to resolve the conflict. You dont have to tell her everything, just that you two disagree on wether to have kids first or to study first. Will that be too much for her?

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Re: Marriage falling apart :frowning:

Home - FAFSA on the Web-Federal Student Aid

What makes him a good husband?

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Re: Marriage falling apart :frowning:

Good idea Sara…

Job Search | one search. all jobs. Indeed.com ^ this might help too.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

This is the same guy who had his wedding without his parents attending....and now he keeps harping about them. Where was the love and respect when he was getting married off to someone without caring about his parents? He didn't care about his parents then and went ahead and did what he felt like doing. Now he's doing the same with you. I wonder if it's even really parental influence or he's using them as an excuse when in reality he himself just doesn't want you studying/working. Either way, I don't think you should be hopeful about the right time, because if the right time hasn't come in 6 years, then maybe it won't come at all.

So like others have said, YOU need to make a decision. If you choose to not do anything, then know that nothing will change in the future. You are still young, only 26-27...you can still do so much with your life. And also, people who get divorces, doesn't necessarily mean one of them was a bad person. People sometimes drift apart because of the different school of thoughts, life goals, etc the belong to. Not because they are bad people. I'm not suggesting you guys separate, but you either need to do something, or continue living under his terms and try being happy in it. There's no point in living the life he wants and still being unhappy. Because then you'll be wasting your entire life. So, just try finding happiness in your current situation.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

This imbalance of priorities wife vs family is also found in hadith - so look for it and argue the case with what you know you have - he is driven by faith so use it ... You will also need to dismantle his ties on culture and show how the cultural aspects are not so good ... Again use the idea of nationalism and pagan attachment to their forefahers to build your case ...

Use your intellignce to win him over ... and then use a bit of emotion too ... If he agrees with you then show him more than normal kindness and if he finds ways to avoid your arguments then become colder to him ... You need to subtly move his whole person mind and heart towards you ... Not in a bad way ... but in a way that can save your marriage ...

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

D1Datsmiles: In these 8 pages worth of posts, all I read it you beating the same drum over and over again and people giving you some great advice. Please listen to Muzna and Psyah.

You need to repair yourself first and then your marrige.

So he doesn't let you study. Reason with him using the method Psyah described. if he still does't listen then you do it without his support or let it go. Either you deal with it all or get over it!!

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Re: Marriage falling apart :frowning:

she is still there :bummer:

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

I really do appreciate you all's advice. I seem to have "but this, but that" for every reply is because I'm being questioned same thing repeatedly. I've already said he didn't let me work, he didn't let me take loans. I don't know how is it possible to get grants/scholarships for med school? Never heard of that. I couldn't work at the mall, or my uni, or anywhere for that matter.
He recently agreed for me to work and THAT too ONLY at an Islamic school. If the school will hire me, I don't know yet? Yes, I wasted 6 years of my life bcoz I was "waiting for the right time" and yes, I know it was my fault that I did! Most of the advice here, I've already tried that in the past, it hasn't worked, because his mentality is different than mine.
I don't want divorce and don't think of it as an only option either. By him being "a good husband", I mean that he could've been a lot worse, but he's not. We're not on the same page with many things in life--that's the only "flaw" in this marriage. He's not bad charactered, doesn't hit me, is a good muslim, helpful, etc. Also, I never said he's under his family's "spell". He's influenced by them for many things but I never said he forces me. He just tells me what they said and what they want and how they're right, but in the end, he leaves if upon me to consider it or not. Like he told me that his parents wanted me to wear burqa/niqab and he said they're suggesting something right but he didn't tell me that I HAVE TO do it. It's just that when I don't do it, I feel guilty because he had something "not wrong". He does get little disappointed I guess, but he never forced me for anything. Even for kids right now, he brings up this topic 4-5 times a day, yes 4-5 times a day (everyday), I don't listen or I say no, he gets disappointed.
Finally, I talked about some things to my mom yesterday. She told me to have a baby as well, go figure! She said that because of my PCOS we don't know how long it will take so at least we'll find out sooner than later. Hubby said we'll start trying, at the same time I can take GRE and start applying to schools.....that way if I DO get pregnant and the baby comes, I can do part-time. Mom said she'll come here and help me if I'm going to school or I can go to her, hubby said ok in either situation. Hubby also said he doesn't want me to work "faltu" jobs which is like at the mall, dept. stores, etc. and basically that's all I can get with a degree and no experience anyways. He said he'll talk at Islamic school. And once I'm done with my degree insha'Allah I can work a "reputable" job (according to him).
I'm still doing istekhara till I find peace with something or till something unfolds. We're going for Umrah in two weeks insha'Allah. I really appreciate you all's advice, plz keep me and my hubby in your prayers.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

One thing is for sure ... that with time you can gain more standing and start to make more demands from him ... You will find the people who think that divorce is the option to take will not favour having children. But in these sorts of cases children may be a plus point. All of a sudden you will have others (i.e. kids) to put your effort in to and you can make demands from him and channel more of his money to your children instead of to his family. You need to start using a bit of intelligence in order to make your marriage and happiness in life work for you.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

You're right, many people have this mindset. Honestly, I really don't care if he gives them money as long as my/my kids necessities are met. He has never stopped me from anything I want to buy; well, according to him I don't "fazool kharch" anyways. I'm really not materialistic at all. He wanted to buy me a BMW and I refused because I don't need it! It's just that my school is so much of a problem for him. I mean he could use the same money he was gonna use for the car towards my school but he says it won't be worth it. I mean, if I work later in life, it'll be coming to his home, his kids, but he thinks I won't be able to work much considering the fact I'm "depressed" all the time! And in reality I'm depressed over an unaccomplished life! Anyways, I don't understand his logic, ever!
We're going for Umrah and when his parents found out, now they want to go with us. She literally told him if he can take his wife, he can take his parents too becoz they have more "haqq" on him. Seriously?! He already sends them to Pak every year, sometimes twice/thrice a year and takes responsibility of all their expenses during their stay there and they still have the nerve to say this to him.....and he just listens!
He knows they're wrong, he admits it, but he says he's doing everything to please Allah (swt). He doesn't care how people/family treat him as long as he's doing right. And of course sending me to school is not right lol.
Anyways, I've stopped asking him to let me study. His parents are over the whole day everyday, I'm standing on my feet all day fulfilling their "farmaishes" and still getting sh*t from them. He knows they're wrong, he comes and says sorry that they do this to me, and he says Allah (swt) will give me ajar for this......that brings me peace sometimes, but enough is gonna be enough someday! Let's see.