So, my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, no kids yet, due to personal choice. We both fell in love at the age of 17 (Don’t know if it’s even considered love by some), forced our parents to get us married and got married at 21. Nothing was smooth since day one, half his family didn’t come to the wedding including his parents, just his brother came! We still managed to get married somehow.
In-laws finally started talking to me 2 years after but only when their son forced them and that too a just salams and all. We live in the same city but diff houses, close by. They still havent accepted me and show that in all their actions. Apart from the drama and **** I go through everyday from his family, MY HUSBAND AND I DON’T GET ALONG 
We are totally diff personalities, want diff things from life, have totally opposite thinking, are never on the same page with any matter. Since 6 years Im trying to change for him and change my personality but theres not much i can do now. He has tried to change a couple of things too but theres a whole life and a whole personality thats too hard to change now. We both love each other but recently there seems no connection. I gradually learned to ignore his family’s mental torture but now I can’t seem to ignore the diff b/w us two :‘(
I want to stay with him and I don’t. Everyday I’m forced to think how my life will be in future as even our thoughts on how to raise our kids differ…a lot! We’re really diff people! We’re both Pakistani and Alhamdulillah but have good Islamic upbringing but since I was raised here and he came to the U.S at 14, we have that gap as well, I guess. He’s a good person but just not what I would’ve wanted. Sometimes we bring out the worst in each other :’(
I really want to save this marriage but don’t know how and sometimes can’t seem to find a reason for “what”
and “why”. I love him but sometimes all these thoughts and feelings make me feel that we don’t love each and are only there for the sake of being married, but I really can’t tell.
Can you guys please advise me what to do? What do you think is more important in a marriage…love or compatibility?
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
:(
are there ANY good things about your relationship with him? What do you think caused the rift?
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
Merey kamrey ka darwaza aur usska sandal is what is compatible. No joke.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
You guys need marriage counselling! You've been together for so long it will be so painful to end it!
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
do not have kids until you sort this out. make sure you do everything you can to not have kids - you don't want to bring kids into this.
other than that, I'm not sure what is more important - compatibility or love. I think it depends on what issues you are differing on - if it's major, fundamental issues (which it sounds like it is :() then I guess that does not look promising.
I think generally in a marriage, two people need to have an understanding of where they want to go in life. You need to have shared goals, ideals and principles. If the two of you don't have this, and you are just together because you have strong feelings for each other, then I don't think it's going to work very well or keep you happy.
At the end of the day, if you both want different things in life and are moving in different directions, how can the two of you live a harmonious life together?
Really sorry for your situation - hope you are able to do what you think is best...
Marriage falling apart :(
Good things? Yeah , there are days we laugh and go out together but there's still an emptiness inside of me. What caused the rift? I Donno, there was never a smooth path anyway. We just fight over our disagreements and that turns into a episode of not talking to each other for days and sleeping in diff rooms.
However, I'm always the one to say sorry and makeup, even when it's not my fault. I HAVE suggested counseling but he doesnt believe in it. He has often said he's not happy and so have I. I don't want to bring kids into this but he wants kids coz he thinks it'll be alright after kids coz I'll get "busy" with them and won't have time to think of our differences.....practical much?! Like this, we differ on so many major things. He had promised to send me to Med school after we got married, he did let me finish my bachelor's part time after we got married. Now, here I am with a 3.9 GPA in Micro/molecular biology, at the age of 27, begging him to let me do something else in the healthcare field if not med school.....and his reply? " No, you can't study now and I don't want you to work anyways coz my parents dislike it".
So basically, like this there are differences in where we want to live, how, with who, kids, my life, etc. We have totally diff personalities and life's not balanced at all. We disagree on 90% of the things throughout the day, everyday! :'(
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
This sounds like CM trolling
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
No way....this doesnt' sound like CM at all.
Re: Marriage falling apart
Nope, it sounds like me!!! 
… And I was thinking that I had more severe problems in life. 
I feel bad for you OP 
…
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
What was he like before you two got married? Did he seem to have these views?
I don't really know what to say except agree with nnabid, please don't think about getting pregnant till these issues are sorted.. I find it a bit worrying too that ur husband says once you have a kid you won't have 'time' to think about these things as if it's all your fault..
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
go on a vacation
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
We are totally diff personalities, want diff things from life, have totally opposite thinking, are never on the same page with any matter.
Give the above, is this the life partner you want?
I really want to save this marriage
That's great....but here's something very important you haven't mentioned. Does HE also want to save this marriage as much as you do? Marriages don't work unless BOTH people are committed to it.
Whether or not we think love or compatibility is important really doesn't matter. Only YOU know what you're going through on a daily basis. Its a blessing that no kids are involved. Do you want to raise a child in your current situation? 6 years of your life has already gone by. Are you willing to continue living like this for the next 40 years?
Answer the questions above and you'll know what to do. But keep in mind.....you can't force anyone to change who they are.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
So, my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, no kids yet, due to personal choice. We both fell in love at the age of 17 (Don't know if it's even considered love by some), forced our parents to get us married and got married at 21. Nothing was smooth since day one, half his family didn't come to the wedding including his parents, just his brother came! We still managed to get married somehow. In-laws finally started talking to me 2 years after but only when their son forced them and that too a just salams and all. We live in the same city but diff houses, close by. They still havent accepted me and show that in all their actions. Apart from the drama and **** I go through everyday from his family, MY HUSBAND AND I DON'T GET ALONG We are totally diff personalities, want diff things from life, have totally opposite thinking, are never on the same page with any matter. Since 6 years Im trying to change for him and change my personality but theres not much i can do now. He has tried to change a couple of things too but theres a whole life and a whole personality thats too hard to change now. We both love each other but recently there seems no connection. I gradually learned to ignore his family's mental torture but now I can't seem to ignore the diff b/w us two :'( I want to stay with him and I don't. Everyday I'm forced to think how my life will be in future as even our thoughts on how to raise our kids differ....a lot! We're really diff people! We're both Pakistani and Alhamdulillah but have good Islamic upbringing but since I was raised here and he came to the U.S at 14, we have that gap as well, I guess. He's a good person but just not what I would've wanted. Sometimes we bring out the worst in each other :'( I really want to save this marriage but don't know how and sometimes can't seem to find a reason for "what" and "why". I love him but sometimes all these thoughts and feelings make me feel that we don't love each and are only there for the sake of being married, but I really can't tell. Can you guys please advise me what to do? What do you think is more important in a marriage....love or compatibility?
I will be very honest with you... Come closer to Allah. With HIS help, you will be able to slowly resolve every issue in life. Yes, it will take some time but you will get there inshAllah. Make dua for yourself every day especially in this blessed month of Ramadan. Talking to Allah will enlighten your heart and you might be able to look at things in a positive way. Every relation requires nurturing, compromises, and willingness. Try to be nice to your husband in every way possible because affection can change people.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
neither love. nor compatibility. the MOST important thing is respect!
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
i agree with bsb u should follow her advice ..stop thinking negative ...who said to u that every married couple have same thoughts ? no its mostly girl compromise with her husband becoz she wants her home her kids ...and 1 u should give respect to yur husbnd and slowly with yur love and respect he will understnd u and u will understnd him.. try to avoid those things which he doesnt like .like keep quite when he agrue with u let him give time and INSHALLAH he will releaize his faults...and if u have kids then u both will busy with them ..he will try to think about them abt their future and u also their ur both thinking will match
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
and yes read YA-WADOODO for love between husbnd and wife
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
yes I agree become a robot.
He didn't marry you out of love he married you for your wide hips and kitchen skills
yes I agree become a robot.
He didn't marry you out of love he married you for your wide hips and kitchen skills
Love how you say it how it is. :)
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
i agree with bsb u should follow her advice ..stop thinking negative ...who said to u that every married couple have same thoughts ? no its mostly girl compromise with her husband becoz she wants her home her kids ...and 1 u should give respect to yur husbnd and slowly with yur love and respect he will understnd u and u will understnd him.. try to avoid those things which he doesnt like .like keep quite when he agrue with u let him give time and INSHALLAH he will releaize his faults...and if u have kids then u both will busy with them ..he will try to think about them abt their future and u also their ur both thinking will match
Ok whenever I hear or read something like this I think did it change things for the better when the older women around me always sacrficied, NEVER said a word to their husbands and hoped one day he would somehow miraculously change? 9/10 times they DON'T, why would they when their behaviour is being more or less reinforced by the wife's actions? It isn't fair that she can't have a career and that he won't even compromise or meet half way..
Not being allowed to study or work are not minor things..
I am NOT saying divorce.. OP, please think carefully about your situation and try and get your husband to try and go to counselling or some sort of mediation with an unbiased and fair-minded family member or friend who you both trust and respect.. I don't think it's healthy for you be stuck in this sort of relationship..
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
Love how you say it how it is. :)
sarcasm?
well OP have you talked to him about this? that you're on the edge and don't know what to do? have you asked him if he wants to stay in this marriage?