Marriage falling apart :(

Lifestyle Relationships
101

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Thats not even an arguemnt. You just want to add yourself to the list of people who want to use him, without respecting his wishes. 6 years is a long time, who would want to wait more.

If you want to have a career, why not to take up a job and finance ur own studies, why not take an education loan.

But then SanooN Ki

102

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

I think icono may have nailed it.

I'm sorry OP. I don't mean to be a downer. I only know about your relationship as much as you have told here (skimmed alot of it even)

Here's my question; are you staying with him because you truly love him and do want to be with him and are willing to do alot to make it work? Or is it just you can't imagine your life without him there?

You guys got married at a VERY early age. Don't get me wrong here, but I do think alot of the issues here are stuff that you should've discussed BEFORE marriage. Seems to me you guys built this castle on a foundation of ONLY love. Like several others have said here, love is not enough to make a marriage work, if it were, I think a lot of people would have different life partners right now (and people, that dosent mean you don't love your current partners. Don't grab the wrong side of the blade).

If you are TRULY invested in making this marriage work and are willing to do whatever, well then my friend, start making sacrifices and bending to his will. That's all I can see working at this stage. He dosen't want to take couples therapy, he won't change you might have to. If you say you are willing to do anything to make it work this is what you will have to do. Marriage isn't a skip down the park with rainbows shooting out of your rear-end.

But why should you bite the bullet? Because you two aren't willing to compromise, the basis of a healthy marriage.
Why dosen't he bite the bullet? Dunno. Ask him.

Having a kid very early on may have changed the game, but you having a kid now is seriously a gamble. The odds, to me, are not in your favour. The payout may be huge, but you will lose so so much.

Suppose you have a kid. Things still don't get better. Worst case scenario, you are now a divorced lady with a kid. A divorced lady in her late 20's. I'm sure you know enough about our culture that in our community, regardless of where you are, this isn't an ideal situation.

Sort out your problems (career, burqa, in laws etc) first. The time for children is NOT NOW.

DO NOT HAVE A KID. (not yet anyway)

Ofcourse these are all the things IN MY OPINION that you need to consider. I also agree with velvet. Heal yourself first. Think a couple of times before you take anysteps.

All the very best to you.

P.S I am not married. I know this may rob my advice of any validity but this is just my two cents on it.

103

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Although I love your replies, but, you just ended up putting another thought in my head :'( What if this is true? OMG, I'm such an emotionally broken being!! :'(

104

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

I can't imagine my life w/o him......isn't that love? I love him, I care for him, but at times when I go crazy with my panic attacks and what not, I just wanna leave.....not only him, but everyone. I just wanna hide somewhere.
You're right, I do regret not discussing this stuff before marriage, but it never crossed my mind then. I guess it IS bcoz we were really young. I have compromised on many things. He has comprised at times too. It's not like he doesn't try. We just don't know what goes wrong where.
You gave some good advice, has nothing to do with being married or not. Many marriage counselors are not married, but their advice is taken seriously by many. So, really, thanks a lot; I really appreciate it.

105

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

UPDATE: Since he was in a good mood today I started the topic again. Alhamdulillah for the khatam and dua yesterday, he's kinda of melted, lovey-dovey today. I did speak to him a little bit ago saying that I want to work or I'll go crazy, and we both know how the kids come out if the mother is so depressed during pregnancy (Allah na kare). I even told him that whatever money I earn, It'll be a saving towards my further study (just to see what he says). I even mentioned how his family is always bothering me and only adds to my already stressful life because he doesn't do anything around the house and is really messy and unorganized, etc. (I blame him upbringing, his mom is exactly the same).
Obviously, I cried while saying all this. He did calm me down. He told me OK (don't wanna get too excited only to find out tomorrow that ok meant not right now) I can start looking for a reputable job (don't know what I'll get w/a pre-med bachelor's?) , start studying for the GRE, and also get off of BCP and try for kids. He also said we'll go to Umrah this year and make dua for our relationship and so that everything gets better. I did suggest to go to Umrah some other time since he has spent a lot on his family recently and we should save a little more. He said Allah will always give more. I didn't argue, bcoz he's not wrong either (right?).
So, is it ok if I do all these things at once? I mean, to look for a job, study for GRE, try for babies? He clearly told me though that the reason he's hurrying for babies is coz I'm always in the hospital for something or the other and God forbid that my "sehat" gets more kharab then I'll never have babies. He loves babies that's why he wanted them at the beginning but he said since he's listened to me for 6 yrs, now it's about time I listen to him bcoz he gets really disappointed looking at people who got married after us and have like 2-3 babies.
About his family, he told me that he can't stay away from them and can never disrespect them in any way but if they say anything to me in front of him, he'll stand up for me (which he does if they say anything in front of him, btw). He told me that if I want I can cut back the time I'm at their place or they're at mine. But, I don't know how it's possible coz they just randomly show up to my house w/o calling or anything and I can't say anything to them.
So where does this lead me? I really don't know. I don't wanna sound stupid, but I really think with all this discussion, I'm still there where I was! What do you guys think? Serious replies please.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

hi smiles at least you guys are talking now, i wouldnt say you are where you started. you seem a lot more positive and it seems like you both had a cal, mature discussion. now start looking for jobs pronto. (hope someelse will help here regading that)

try being more chirpy and dnt talk abt in laws for a while. start studies and get busy. also try to praise him when he is within earshot. if you are talking to your mum and dad tell them that mashallah he is very caring blah blah blah. if it dsnt work out you can walk away but it seems you love him so it is worth a shot

107

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

You only feel that way Smiles because its only been a couple of hours. Nothing changes in a day, a week, even a month, if you guys have discussed these things today, then take the essential steps tomorrow to actually make them happen. If you are content with that atleast. If you are still unsatisfied with what he is telling you, then there will be very little to help that because the problem will just be staying in the situation with him. His life, responsibilities to his family, his wants won't really change, like the things that you want out of your life won't change. I still don't think you should run into babies right now, its still too soon. I know its hard looking at other people that have been married just as long and have more than one, but everyone is different and you guys cant compare yourself to others. I can understand what he means, when he mentions hes concerned about your well being and having children before something goes wrong, but if you still feel in the bottom of your heart having a child will only complicate more then just wait... please wait. Don't just give in to either of your desires for a child yet. If its a question of your health, leave that to God, right now you know you are well enough to have a baby and dont base your baby decision on an "if" something were to happen to you health wise (god forbid).

Look for some full time work first, with atleast ONE course this semester. Or vice versa, part time school and a part time work, ANYTHING to get yourself out of the house, you can begin working anywhere for now as you start to get yourself back on your feet. I would also suggest continuing to see your doctors or therapists through out, might help ease your mind as you start to make these changes. That might help get to the bottom of your depression.

PS. Finding work will NOT be easy, and a separate stress that I think you seem smart enough to be able to handle, but do some homework and whether its your field related or not, start somewhere but I am sure you will be able to find something in healthcare, its the only sector these days that seems to continue to be hiring from what I have seen. Every area is different though so just do some homework.

I think the key is to set goals for yourself. Goals for the day, for the week, for the month, next 6 months and then at least one year. Start there, its the only thing you can do and then begin to asses your situation and state of mind in a few weeks. Whats changed/ what hasn't. And these goals should be both personal and professional. I think for the next day or two focus on your school and job stuff, and then maybe after that set some for your relationship, possibly with your husband..

Realistic goals you know? Like baby steps, for the both of you to start all over. :)

At the end of it all, if you both truely feel like you have both done EVERYTHING in your power to fight for your marriage (the exact same way you probablly did to GET married), then you'll know whether or not you need to call it quits. If you truelly tell yourself, you've done EVERYTHING you possibly could to make this work. If thats the case and its still not working, then its up to you to stay and be miserable and just accept all the flaws, problems that come with this relationship, or walk away at least knowing there wasn't much that could of been different to make you stay..

108

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

sighs
yes try for babies
have fun

109

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

no babies smiles, not yet, everything will get much more complicated with that. you r still young, first get job and study and in a year or two u can think abt it. you r still very young a year here or there will not make much difference

110

Marriage falling apart :(

MA you seem better now..discuss with him that if u start trying now, u might not b able to work or study much..ask him for some time..time to satisfy yourself and your wishes first..
Someone metioned praise him..yes pls do..acknowledge what he does for u and not take it for granted nor complain all the time..mA he stands up for u infront of his family..not many people do that..as for inlaws..I know its stressful but pls try to ignore them..your doing what they want..they're winning..maybe they want u to divorce him so that they can get him married somewhere else..so pls love your husband..be positive..people do have differences but thats what marriage(living together) is all about..but if u are sure you both are poles apart then dont waste your time with him..
Since he seems religious..try emotional blackmailing him into not wanting kids now..tell him Allah has not just sent us to make babies..if we bring someone in this world, we have the responsibility to give him a good environment..good tarbiat..or we'll be questioned as why didnt we give the innocent kid a peaceful stressfree life..tell him that u want your kid to have good loving grandparents..you want the kid to be cared and loved by his grandparents and not be mentally tortured like it is being done to u..so until and unless he finds a permanent solution to the inlaws' bashing ,no kids should b involved..he should b straightforward with them that they have to stop teasing u cause he wouldnt want his kids to go through the same..
If he still doesnt allow u to study then decide what can u live without? Him or your freedom..whichever you choose..be happy with it and forget about the other..
If u think you are better off without him then leave, live your life, work, study and enjoy your freedom..dont waste your life

111

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Is this a serious question? If you truly do not already know the answer to this question, then I think I over estimated your intelligence. You honestly believe that your husband is going to be ok with you working or studying while your pregnant? You honestly think you'll be physically be able to do either when you're 9 months pregnanct or have just given birth? Who is going to watch the baby while you're in school or at work? Of course, all this is ASSUMING that you have a totally healthy pregnancy and give birth without any complications.

BTW, if your husband had listened to your for the last 6 years, then you would've already finished medical school by now and would be in residency.

I already said this and I'll repeat it again. Going by what your husband has told you.....he and his family will expect you to be a stay-at-home mom. Don't fool yourself into thinking anything else. And before you go off BCP, you really need to think about if you're ok with that. Plenty of women do it and there's nothing wrong with it. But the baby will be your world. That's it. Don't be in lala land thinking that the baby will get you anywhere near your dreams of getting a career.

P.S. GRE? So not considering med school anymore?

P.S. 2 Read the parenting forum here. Go read other pregnancy/newborn forums on the internet. Then decide if you can go to school or work while going through all that. Not to mention all the medical complications that can possibly arise. Go read about what type of effects newborns have on MANY marriages. Reading the way you talk about having a baby, I honestly don't think you have any idea what pregnancy/birthing/taking care of a newborn is all about, and how demanding it is for a woman. Especially in a situation where you family can't provide any support, and you have a strained relationship with your in-laws. And your husband doesn't believe in daycare.

112

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Wait what have you been doing for the past 6 years?? Were you working? Finishing your undergrad? But undrgrad only takes 4 years so what were you doing during those 2 years?? I'm sorry about your situation but how could you possibly have let 6 years just pass by?

113

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

You can't do all the 3 things together. How are you gonna work or study while pregnant/with a baby? I suggest you speak to your husband and request for a year's time at least for the baby...so that you can work and/or study during this year...and take it from there. If you have a baby this year, then you can't be working and/or studying.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Unfortunately, yes, it was a serious question. I forgot to mention, I have PCOS. My husband knows (bcoz my Dr. said) that it's hard to get pregnant with PCOS. Since we've never tried to get pregnant, I don't know how long it will take me to get pregnant. He's in a hurry now bcoz since past few months, my hormones have been really out of whack, and he thinks what if I can't get pregnant soon enough (Allah na kare) and by the time I start, I'll be too old to have more than 1-2 babies.
Yes, GRE. Like I said, med school looks too stressful at this age to me plus too much money and he doesn't want me to take loans coz of the involved interest. He doesn't deal with interest, never has, so I don't want to force him since it's a matter of Islam. I have taken interest before and would've considered it now but since he's the one who's gonna pay, I don't want to force. Also, we've had many arguments over interest before so I'll be fine with PA or NP school. So we agreed that I can take the GRE and either go to Physician's Assistant school or an Entry level Nurse Practitioner program.
I know how much care is involved with a baby and all. But, I forgot to tell you guys that I have PCOS and he just wants to get off of BCP to see if I can even GET pregnant. And he said, if I do get pregnant, that's Allah's will but he doesn't wanna regret it if I am not able to and we find it out when I'm in my 30's.

Nothing! I only had 1 year of undergrad left when I got married, and he did let me finish it, and paid for it. So yeah, basically since the past 5 years, I did nothing at all, no school, and no work! I did volunteer at the Islamic school off and on.....but not everyday. That was for like 6-9 months. Then we moved from there and that was it. Yeah, I have a pretty boring life!

115

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

i am sorry to say that, but it wont get better! i experienced it my self... so better make it to an end now... before kids are involved!

116

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

How can you say that? Were you in the SAME EXACT situation?

117

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

^

118

Marriage falling apart :(

Icono: If you can't say something nice, PLEASE don't say anything at all. People have emotions and they do get hurt. Thanks!

119

Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Ok

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

You're still going round and round with the same old excuses. Still completely ignoring the realities of the situation. You say you know exactly how much care a newborn requires. Well then why don't YOU tell us if you can study, work, and take care of a newborn all by yourself. You know your situation better than us.

Hmm.....interesting take on "Allah's will". If your husband believes in it so strongly....well then why even bother going off BCP? After all....if Allah truly wills that you get pregnancy....surely BCP can't stand in the way of it right?

No point in telling us the reasons behind why you should try for a baby now versus later. You've made it clear that you want to further your education and want a career. Based on the lack of resources available to you in regards to child care, we're just letting you know that once you have a baby, you will be a stay-home-mom. Your husband can BS to you all he wants.....but so far, based on the info. you provided, it's pretty clear that your husband has no interest with helping your further your education/career. He wants a baby and expects your a be a stay-at-home mom with your time being devoted to the family 24/7. It's upto you completely to make the choice...but know the consequences of your choices and make sure you can live with them.