Decisions based on emotions only and ignoring reality doesn’t lead to anything positive. God gave you a brain. Your parents made sure you got an education which hopefully gave you some critical thinking skills. Use them both. Always keep in mind that when it comes to deciding whether or not to have a child…you seriously need to consider the QUALITY of life that child will have in your house (physically and emotionally).
I think you know in your brain and in your heart whether or not you can trust your husband’s reply. You’re just in denial about it b/c it’s not the answer you WANT to believe. God helps those who’re willing to help themselves. You already know just how ridiculous your husband’s reply is. After all…why don’t both of you sit at home all day and depend on Allah to pay your bills and provide food. But no, even your husband realizes that money isn’t going to fall from the sky if he sits on his but* all day. What does he think Allah is going to do? Send a free nanny for the baby?
He can say whatever he wants but you have the CHOICE to use your own brain! You give birth to a baby. You have no family support from your side. His parents don’t support you studying/working now…they sure as he*l isn’t going to change their tunes after a baby. Your husband will not consent to putting baby in daycare. So…who do you think will be at home with the baby 24/7?
If you’re going to be perfectly happy being a stay-at-home mom…there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you truly have your heart set on furthering your education and getting a job…don’t fool yourself into believing that having a baby is going to somehow help you with that.
^ :hinna: Yep…like a broken record. Its difficult for people to accept reality at times due to strong emotions. But everyone needs to understand the NO ONE (including God) is going to help them if they’re not willing to help themselves.
If he hasnt agreed to let you study now when you are free and at home, do you think he will agree to you studying after a baby? Do you really?
If you stay with him, school or work do not seem to be an option....ever. He is not being honest with you. You feel you cant be yourself because he is trying to change you according to his parents wishes. And they will never be happy. It s as simple as that.
He is not as caring as you think esp when he cant seem to protect you or stand up for you when you need him to. Anyone can be brave, supportive and kind behind close doors; but not even defend you when others are wrong; ...could you seriously put your kids through that?
I would suggest going back to your mums to clear your mind, and not coming back until you get certain things agreed to in writing (counselling, finance, in laws behaviour, study/ work etc). Confide in your mum because sooner or later she will find out, and it maybe too late by then... Nor will she appreciate that you kept it from her.
D1, I feel so sad for you. I spent so much time during tarawih thinking and praying for you. I hope you realize it was good for you to come here and let it out, 6 years is too long to keep your feelings pent up.
Please talk to your loved ones, friends, mother....they may not all sympathise or understand, but its by speaking your experiences and feelings out loud that may actually help you.
You may not be ready to make any changes yet, but keep talking.
I actually think you have answered your own questions. Re read everything you have written in the past few days......
6 years and you feel you can't raise a baby properly and he wants a baby.
You want to have a career, he wants a housewife.
Get a divorce. Looks like there is no hope in this marriage.
I feel pity for your husband, what a poor guy, surrounded by parasites. Has parents who want him to work and buy a house for them, brother who takes his savings to buy a car, a wife who does not want to get a baby with him but wants him to put her in med school. He needs to grow some balls and start living his own life.
6 years and you feel you can't raise a baby properly and he wants a baby.
You want to have a career, he wants a housewife.
Get a divorce. Looks like there is no hope in this marriage.
I feel pity for your husband, what a poor guy, surrounded by parasites. Has parents who want him to work and buy a house for them, brother who takes his savings to buy a car, a wife who does not want to get a baby with him but wants him to put her in med school. He needs to grow some balls and start living his own life.
Wow!!! Here comes an unusual perspective!!! Bravo to you :)
Whatever it is that you decide to do, you need to get your parents involved a little bit in the scenario. Have heard so much about his, but very little about yours and even if you don't want them involved directly in your proble,s, atleast you should be able to go to them just for YOUR own support system. It is not fair for you to be handling everything on your own. I understand you guys have married with out their original blessings but I think you need have your family to help you take any steps that you do take now. You guys did it with out them the first time, take that as a lesson learned and open up to them. Only then will you be able to know what it is that you need to do.
We can say the advice is falling on deaf ears, but I imagine it is a lot more complicated then to just advise someone to leave their husband, especially in our culture. She just needs to take certain steps to make her life better, whether it is with him, or with out, thats only for her and her family to decide, I am assuming we don't know everything.
Felt very sad to read your story D1, Inshallah things can only get better in due time.
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You're right! I really feel unaccomplished in life. I mean, I feel that me doing something with my life is gonna take that empty feeling away from inside of me, not having a baby. A baby is important, no doubt, but not when you haven't accomplished what you wanted to accomplish before babies. He did let me study the first 1 1/2 years. Then he had to buy a house for his parents so I stopped at bachelor's. Now, I know med school is kinda not possible now bcoz of my age and that I DO want a family (when I'm feeling better) so I asked him to let me do something else in med field, like Physician assistant or something......he agreed, told me we'll save money, saved the money......and voila, his brother, who works, asked for a car and he melted and used the money for down payment!
That was up until last year. After that, he just keeps telling me to have a baby, and I can go back to school after that. But, having no family support from his side or mine, I don't think I can go to school after babies. Also, due to the fact, that our thinking differs, he doesn't wanna put babies in day care or play school EVER. And, when I ask "how am I gonna study after a baby when there's no family support (coz his parents don't even want me going out the house, let alone studying or getting a job!!), and you don't want to put kids in daycare"....his reply? "Allah will take care of everything". Yeah, Allah is the best of planners but really, knowing that I don't have any options, can I trust his reply? I don't know :(
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If he's backing off from his promise of letting you study, and using up that money towards something else....then you need to take a stand and get a job, save money and then start studying. And if not studying, then at least still find a job. That will give you some purpose in life. Your husband is not helping you practically at all, leaving everything to Allah, instead of talking about this and coming up with solutions. Secondly, it's obvious your husband wants kids and you don't at this point....so you two really do need to talk about this maturely....or go your separate ways. Tell your parents about this, and like someone suggested, go live with your parents for a year and work. Maybe that'll help your relationship. Or give you a better indication of what you want in life.
I really hope everything works out for you inshAllah.
I think I need therapy too since the meds didn’t seem to work, might as well take another route. Will schedule an appointment after Eid insha’Allah.
Yes, I guess it’s difficult for me to accept reality. But, as immature as it sounds, I really don’t know where to begin and where to go. Like I said, my parents are divorced, I have no communication with my dad, my mom is in the hospital every other week for her own problems with medical conditions and all. She’s not old, only 47, but I still in a lot of stress so I feel I’ll only be adding to her stress, even when she had already told me that this family will never accept me. My in-laws and my family don’t even talk, never have been to each others’ house, so my mom can’t even talk to them about these situations.
It’s easier said than done. All this advice that I’m getting here, at some point I’ve thought about all this too, but it’s too hard to move forward with any of things mentioned above. I have no friends, can’t confide in cousins/aunts/uncles, and no siblings. I might know which direction is “better” for me, but I just don’t know how to follow it. I’m just lost
Thanks for praying for me. Like I said, I don’t have any close friends, can’t confide in cousins due to family gaps etc, can’t tell my mom coz of a million probs of her own, don’t have any communication with my dad, don’t have siblings. I know talking to my mother is only gonna stress her more, which is in turn gonna stress me more :(.
You’re right, I might have answered my own questions, but it’s really hard for me to follow my own answers
Firstly, I feel bad for him too that he has to go through this with me. Secondly, I don’t JUST want a career, I want a balanced life with career and a family, which is not uncommon at all. Thirdly, I don’t WANT my husband to spend all his money on me. I actually let his parents/siblings take more from him even if it leaves me with something less. I could’ve easily thrown a fit over how he’s buying a car and house for them, but no, I let it go. I felt hurt inside but didn’t say anything. And lastly, I don’t even want him to send me to med school anymore. Even a master’s would suffice so I can get a better job coz this bachelor’s isn’t gonna take me anywhere in today’s world. I even told him if money is a problem (which it isn’t, alhamdulillah, if he’d spend wisely on his family and not splurge at everything they want) I can sell my gold but no, he just wants a family now. It’s like someone has put something in his brain that every single day he’s talking about how he wants kids and wants me to get pregnant this very month.
Why don't you have any friends? Also can't you refuse him? Please be stubborn and tell him that you two as a couple need to sort your problems before you bring another human being into the world.
The problems you're facing aren't going to magically go away. Please please please find the courage to move out till he realizes you're valuable and that you shouldn't be taken for granted.
It's sad to hear that a woman like yourself would do this just because you think he loves you.
If he truly loved you, you wouldn't be so depressed being with him.
I would ignore Iconoclast if I was you. Why don't you have any friends? Also can't you refuse him? Please be stubborn and tell him that you two as a couple need to sort your problems before you bring another human being into the world. The problems you're facing aren't going to magically go away. Please please please find the courage to move out till he realizes you're valuable and that you shouldn't be taken for granted. It's sad to hear that a woman like yourself would do this just because you think he loves you. If he truly loved you, you wouldn't be so depressed being with him.
I don't friends coz I never made any. Well, I talk to everyone in the community but never made close friends, not someone I can confide in. I met him when I was 17 and since then I only spoke to him for hours everyday, leaving me little time to communicate with anyone else. As funny as it sounds, even talking for hours everyday for 4-5 yrs, I wasn't able to know the difference between our personalities. We barely argued, let alone fight! The first time we fought was like a month before our wedding, and yes, it was bcoz if his family.
And since I'm depressed all the time, I barely go out by myself. He just forces me to go out with him to the movies, eat, etc. I never feel like doing anything. I have to drag myself up everyday to do the house chores. I know I have all the signs of depression, like major depression, but even being on the meds didn't help me.
He knows I'm valuable, and that's why he has stopped me from leaving many times. I don't know if I'm depressed because we have different personalities, or bcoz of his family, but I do think he loves me though. I don't think I'm depressed bcoz he doesn't care or doesn't love me. He can easily leave me for someone else, has a successful career, he can get anyone from here or Pakistan. But, he's never mentioned the word divorce in our conversations, although I have. I don't know if this will change too and he might get frustrated and end up divorcing me. Sometimes, he tells me I can leave (as in go to my mom's) if I'm so depressed with him, but then he can't let me go even for a week, he says he misses me so much.
It's funny that after all the fights we go through at home everyday, we still can't stay w/o each other for a week.
He's in a good mood today since last night was quraan khatam dua, the imaam did a nice khutba on husband/wife relations, and I guess the dua kinda melted him. He came home and said sorry if he has unintentionally hurt me and all, and told me I'm the best wife, and we'll make it work, etc. And the pot of emotions that I am, instead of clearing my mind with him, I just started crying.
Well, will try to bring up some things with him today insha'Allah. Let's see where that leads.
Well if he misses you so much tell him to change his attitude. It's making me very sad listening to you because you won't help yourself.
what does "we'll make it work" mean because if there is no action how can you make it work? Thats weird in my opinion. xD
Well if he misses you so much tell him to change his attitude. It's making me very sad listening to you because you won't help yourself.
what does "we'll make it work" mean because if there is no action how can you make it work? Thats weird in my opinion. xD
He doesn't have a bad attitude. We differ in our thinking and we're both right in our own ways. He's raised with that thinking. I think it'll be selfish to tell him to change his thinking for me when I can't change mine for him. That's why I wanted a middle ground for both of us. He does tell him mom if she says something wrong to me in front of him. He does defend me when we're both in front of her. He just wants to deal with his mom myself if she says something behind his back to me coz he thinks that if he brings it up with her that you said this/that to my wife, his mom's only gonna hate me more thinking that I'm filling his ears.
I don't know. I'll just make istekhara after Eid.
He doesn't have a bad attitude. We differ in our thinking and we're both right in our own ways. He's raised with that thinking. I think it'll be selfish to tell him to change his thinking for me when I can't change mine for him. That's why I wanted a middle ground for both of us. He does tell him mom if she says something wrong to me in front of him. He does defend me when we're both in front of her. He just wants to deal with his mom myself if she says something behind his back to me coz he thinks that if he brings it up with her that you said this/that to my wife, his mom's only gonna hate me more thinking that I'm filling his ears.
I don't know. I'll just make istekhara after Eid.
sighs okay dear
Its your life, obviously no matter what we say is just a waste because you won't act on it. I hope you can survive on your delusions because you'll end up hurting yourself more in this marriage.
If you think you'll be happier being a lifeless servant who cries all the time then by all means stay with him but you and him will both be miserable because not only will you be hurting yourself but hurting him too.
sighs okay dear
*Its your life, obviously no matter what we say is just a waste because you won't act on it. *
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I know that we often make the above highlighted comment in Nadz's threads. But with Nadz, it's just an issue of attitude adjustment and does not involve overly serious concerns such as the possibility severing a marriage. As someone else said above that the situation is likely to be more complex/delicate than it comes across in the posts. There has been a lot of emotional investment in the past 6 years and I'm not saying this reason alone is justification for staying in the marriage. Whether she decides to stay in the marriage....or whether she decides to get a divorce....whether she decides to have kids......or pursue a career........all of these decisions will have consequences. They require a lot of thought and the weighing of pros and cons.....and it would be better if this is done without receiving a guilt-trip. Maybe taking a break might provide some relief and perspective, but I don't think that the decision to end a marriage can be rushed. I also don't think the advice given has necessarily gone to waste. Sometimes talking things out can help people figure out.....at a later point....what they need to do. And hopefully Istikhara will give her some direction.
I haven't been advocating divorce but only separation. Last I checked separation doesn't mean that the relationship is going to be ruined.
If she wants to be a doormat then that's her choice but she should stick to her decision and not complain. Sorry if I sound harsh but if she doesn't want to help herself how does she think her husband is going to change? And I don't mean change as in comply to everything he and in-laws say but stand her ground and not be bulldozed over.
just because he stops you from leaving doesn't mean that he loves you......maybe he's stopping you because he doesn't want to bear the "I told you so" type of retorts that he expects since he married you against the wishes of his family. maybe he just can't handle having a failed relationship.
I'm not at all suggesting that this is the case. I'm just suggesting that there could be an alternative perspective.
At the end of the day you shouldn't be making any decisions right now......not to stay and not to leave.
Heal yourself first. Then think about what you want to do.
I know that we often make the above highlighted comment in Nadz's threads. But with Nadz, it's just an issue of attitude adjustment and does not involve overly serious concerns such as the possibility severing a marriage. As someone else said above that the situation is likely to be more complex/delicate than it comes across in the posts. There has been a lot of emotional investment in the past 6 years and I'm not saying this reason alone is justification for staying in the marriage. Whether she decides to stay in the marriage....or whether she decides to get a divorce....whether she decides to have kids......or pursue a career........all of these decisions will have consequences. They require a lot of thought and the weighing of pros and cons.....and it would be better if this is done without receiving a guilt-trip. Maybe taking a break might provide some relief and perspective, but I don't think that the decision to end a marriage can be rushed. I also don't think the advice given has necessarily gone to waste. Sometimes talking things out can help people figure out.....at a later point....what they need to do. And hopefully Istikhara will give her some direction.
I agree with redvelvet, I don't think this situation is as simple and as black and white as it seems. Clearly the OP and her SO love each other but unfortunately sometimes love is not enough to make a marriage work. The in laws issue obviously doesn't help. But 6 years of a relationship comes with a lot of emotional ties and it can't be easy to take a big step each other way.
OP I think the best thing for you is to pray and take some time out to heal yourself, you need to go to therapy if for nothing else than to have someone else to confide in and talk to. Work on getting yourself healthy mentally first and then inshallah you will be able to figure out your next move with a clearer head.
