Marriage falling apart :(

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

i think now u should go to ur MIL house and say sorry from u and ur husbnd side that u both married against their wish tell her u respect him becoz she is ur husbnd's mother and hug her may be her heart melts

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

[quote="Deeba1234"]

How is it 'high time'???

high time as in..maybe things would have worked out differently if they had planned a kid before..and bring the child for yourself...you need someone by your side.a kid makes a difference.and 6years...they need a change in their lives too.no?husbands change after kids come in..maybe it would make the husband stand up for them as a couple and a family.Maybe the MIL would accept her as her grandchild's mother..if not her bahu.A baby would bring change,a good change hopefully.IA

and it has been 6 years and she is being treated like a doormat..'being quiet and respectfully accepting everything' strategy isnt working for her apparently,han?
by encountering her MIL ,i meant to be vocal about her thoughts.being vocal isn't always about yelling and screaming,it is just self defense and a way to make those un-rational people realize that 'you exist in their lives now...like it or not,you have to accept it!'..just ask MIL what's bothering her now,how can she come up to her MIL's expectations and all..you need some communication involved.btw if MIL was rational enough,she would have accepted her DIL already.
some people don't understand/don't want to understand the language of respect,so they take the other person for granted.if you dont speak up now,you'll later regret not encountering the lady who was apparently behind the broken marriage(which wont happen IA).Speaking up aggressively isn't always a sign of weakness...it is just self defense,which is an important need for a person at times.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

[quote="Sara516"]

how old are you?

how old did i sound?:(..i'm sorry once again.If it were my own sister...i'd hammer in these things into her mind too.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :frowning:

There is a fine line between being a mama’s boy and a wifey’s boy ( aka zann-mureed, joru ka ghulaam, henpecked husband etc. ). :smiley:

What’s the difference if you have a biological, controlling mother or an adoptive, bossy and nagging mother (read wife) ? :slight_smile:

That is why you hear a lot of frustrated husbands say to their wives ( at least in TV plays ) - “Achcha meri maa, jo tum kaho, vohi sahih hai”. :hehe:

BTW, I am not speaking from personal experience. I am spared of this aazmaaish, thankfully. :slight_smile: ]

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

He is really caring otherwise. But, when all these arguments arise, he just yells, I guess it's human nature? I don't know. Some days he listens to me with full ears and if not 100% he at least agrees with me 70% of things or gives his opinions where we both are equally satisfied. And some days, he doesn't even care to discuss anything with me like when he bought a car and the house for his parents and younger brother (who btw has a job!).....I found out from someone else, NOT my husband. He used to tell me everything before. But now, he says, "aapko kya lena hai main jo marzi karu". It just makes me seem like I'm nobody to him. But, he only says this when it's something realted to his family not otherwise. I don't know if he thinks that he shouldn't tell me anything about them bcoz I don't get along with them or what!
I usually try to hide if my mood is off from his parents side or from his side, but somehow it shows on my face, even when I try so hard to put up a cheerful face. He notices it and starts asking why why why, until he gets it out of me or until I break out in tears.

I would've agreed with you that I should've gotten pregnant since it's been 6 years and I'm not doing much with my life anyways, might as well raise a baby. But, the problem is, I'm not at peace. In my heart, I feel I really want babies, I love babies, I wanted to be a pediatrician:'( ], I really want to enjoy motherhood....but not this way! I have told him this that I want to pregnant but I don't feel right bcoz I'm depressed all the time and I don't think I'll be able to take care of a new life when my own is messed up. He agreed with for 4 years and said ok, get some treatment for depression. I was on pills for a year, but I was STILL depressed, empty inside! I stopped the pills due to weight gain and other SE. Now he says he can't wait more and wants a family......I'm just torn between my heart and my mind. My heart wants babies and my mind thinks it's stupid bcoz I'll only be harming myself more when I won't be able to even raise the baby the way I wanted to.
And about my MIL--I did sorry to her and all that in a nice way once in the beginning, I cried in front of her for God's sake.....and her reply----rolled her eyes, left the room while I just sat there crying!!

I'm not sure if I understood you there. If you're thinking that I mentioned in my earlier posts that I yell at my in-laws, then it's a misunderstanding. I have NEVER said a word back to them, even when they called me names or anything, I just laugh it off or leave the room. I just tell my husband what they did and then when we start arguing, the yelling begins. I agree, I take out their anger on my husband, and that too, when he asks me "what's wrong". I never go straight to him and start my story. He actually tries many times to ask me until I give up hiding it and say it or I break into tears from all the emotions inside of me.

Like I said above, I have done that once when I cried and tried to hug her. She just rolled her eyes and left the room. I admit that after that I never brought up this topic or getting married against their wish or whatever because of the way she behaved--I just felt she doesn't wanna hear it. BUT, several times when she's mad, I do go to her and ask her if anything's bothering her or if there's any "galti" on my part.....and as usual she just rolls her eyes and wiggles her head (like in desi dramas, don't know how to explain.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :frowning:

how wud you address a person who fulfils all his duties and responsibilities against his parents does more than required actually and keep his wife “out of the league” where it ws his decision to make her his “better half”. Isnt she supposed enjoy tht liberty which he is entitled too as well. He should try to balance it and create a ground where he can keep the entire family united. A girl cannot i really mean cannot do much if she doesnt get the support from her husband to make things neutral cuz eventually he’s the point thru which she connects to them.

this isnt abt mama’s or wifey’s boy. got nothing against you but yes i feel he somehow must be getting sandwiched in between. Anyway marriage is a vry big decision of one’s life shouldnt just be based on ground of love. Compromise and understanding plays a major role once you r married the “chidira” called love just flies away out of the window lol.

no offences… peace buddy ! n yeah neither i meant a joru ka ghulam nor i m personally looking out for one :smiley:

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

my response was to somebody above my post because of their stupidity..

don't have a kid my SO and I have a friend who is married to an abusive husband and even though he hit her etc and her in-laws are horrible to her. She got pregnant and things haven't changed because she just lets it happen and she complains about them constantly which is annoying because we have told her time and time again to leave him.

Now I know your husband is not physically abusive but this mental torture is damaging and I do believe you have to either move away with your husband or just get out of the house for a few months AFTER talking to your husband telling him that you're going because things haven't changed etc and he will promise you that it will change but you know it won't so set some ground rules and give him an ultimatum not something like "it's either me or them" but rather "if you want this to work we either go to a proper marriage counselor or I leave because I can't take it anymore its hurting me too much"

I think you two should move away though

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Marriage falling apart :(

You should have had a baby earlier..sometimes all we need is a change to get out of depression..maybe he wants a change too..wow he agreed to your opinion for not having kids for 4years and still u think he doesnt respect/love/listen to you? You mentioned he says he needs a family now..most guys are like that..after they get married they want a family..maybe hes just frustrated cause of this reason hence the yelling and indifferent behaviour?
Now Im not saying have a baby now..works things out between yourselves..pray to God that he creates love, understanding and a strong bond between u two iA

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

i'll pray for you D1

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

there is more to a relationship than having children. Her in-laws are giving her grief, her husbands actions are unacceptable and she can't do anything because she's totally dependent on him.. =/

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

** My piece of advice for you :)... Act like an educated girl by thinking rationally. Please don't live your entire life in misery because these issues can really damage your personality. Don't forget who you truly are first!!! Contact our beloved user "redvelvet" and she will help you :) ... I can make a prediction by reading your posts that your relationship is very unhealthy at the moment. If he wants to make it work with you then taking a critical action has become an important necessity... Move out... Your his wife, therefore, you deserve respect regardless of the initial history how you two got married. I am sorry girl but your husband needs to talk to his family and raise an awareness that your their daughter-in-law. Your relation with your husband is going down the drainage. Don't just go with the flow in particular because you will keep on hurting yourself. I have witnessed a similar situation in life so I am trying to give you heads up. Your husband needs to act like an adult!!!**

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Marriage falling apart :(

Do you live with your inlaws?

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

I don´t think having children will solve the problem. You should talk to your husband straight forward in a polite manner.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

she mentioned that they live two doors down from her

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Re: Marriage falling apart :frowning:

… and planning to move in with the happy couple. :cb: [Sorry, ignore my rudeness. I know D1 is already stressed out.]

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

Having babies isn't going to help in this situation. The reason OP is depressed because she hasn't been able to fulfill her dreams and life goals. You said you wanted to be a doctor, and you had a great GPA too. You SHOULD be doing more with your life, and nobody should be stopping you from it. The way I see it, if your husband really cares for your happiness, then he should let you do what makes you happy - in this case further study. Your depression won't go away unless you are doing what makes you happy and gives you a purpose, and you don't have that right now. And from your posts, it seems further education and career are really important to you...and that'll make you happy and be fulfilling. So you really need to speak to your husband and do that...for your own sake.

And your husband's problem is that he's very easily influenced by his mom. You need to talk to him point blank and tell him that you and him need to make your own decisions WITHOUT the influence of the parents. Or else you won't be happy, and you won't be able to keep him happy...and then it's just a vicious cycle. :( I really think you should reach out to your dream of becoming a doctor...

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

We actually lived in different cities from my in-laws for one and a half years in between. Unfortunately, it was still the same. They still came over for 3-4 months and lived with us, while ignoring me and taunting about how everything in this house is theirs and they have more rights on this house bcoz it's their sons.....like randomly blurting it out walking around the house! I don't know if it's just me or it'll be annoying to any DIL?
Oh and another problem---he thinks he is NOT influenced by his parents at all and all decisions are his and whatever he says to me is coming from him. I, on the other hand, doubt it! He took me to a psychiatrist, he was willing to go to a counselor earlier but then later it became a "gora thing". He thinks they can't provide good counseling bcoz it'll be un-islamic advice like "move your wife away from your parents" etc. Hence, he took me to diff imaams!

Yeah, supposedly I should've had the baby since it's been 6 yrs BUT do you really think that I was gonna be able to care for one with all this mental torture? Yeah, we both need a change, but not in the form of a baby. I'm already prone to depression. I don't want to get PPD and get depressed to the point where I'm just leaving my baby behind and running away from the house. YES, I have ran from the house before, several times, at night, sitting in a corner crying on the roads somewhere......only to find out that the cops came for me coz the hubby called 911 as I was missing.
I want babies but not at this point when everyday I'm thinking of running away from everyone, even from my own family.
I feel bad for him too, since he could've easily left me. I understand it's stressful for him too, to stay up all night with me (when he has work the next day) coz I cry all night, have panic attacks sending me to the ER, run away from the house bare-foot, etc.
I didn't say he doesn't he doesn't love/respect/listens to me. We do love each other. It's just we're not on the same track for many things in life, to top it off, we have his family to make my life even more miserable. Sometimes, He does listen to me, agrees with me, then he goes and does something opposite. At times, we do find a middle ground where we both are satisfied with the outcome, but majority of the time it's not like that. We both want to work it out and that's why we're together......but we don't know HOW :(

     He can't just move from here. He has to find a job in his field to be able to move. The thing is, when they do something in front of him (which they rarely do, coz they do/say everything to me behind his back), he tells them it's wrong.....and the drama-baaz that she is, she changes her words and says that's not what she meant and she doesn't mean anything wrong blah blah blah.

You're right! I really feel unaccomplished in life. I mean, I feel that me doing something with my life is gonna take that empty feeling away from inside of me, not having a baby. A baby is important, no doubt, but not when you haven't accomplished what you wanted to accomplish before babies. He did let me study the first 1 1/2 years. Then he had to buy a house for his parents so I stopped at bachelor's. Now, I know med school is kinda not possible now bcoz of my age and that I DO want a family (when I'm feeling better) so I asked him to let me do something else in med field, like Physician assistant or something......he agreed, told me we'll save money, saved the money......and voila, his brother, who works, asked for a car and he melted and used the money for down payment!
That was up until last year. After that, he just keeps telling me to have a baby, and I can go back to school after that. But, having no family support from his side or mine, I don't think I can go to school after babies. Also, due to the fact, that our thinking differs, he doesn't wanna put babies in day care or play school EVER. And, when I ask "how am I gonna study after a baby when there's no family support (coz his parents don't even want me going out the house, let alone studying or getting a job!!), and you don't want to put kids in daycare"....his reply? "Allah will take care of everything". Yeah, Allah is the best of planners but really, knowing that I don't have any options, can I trust his reply? I don't know :(

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

You should go away to your mother's for a year, start working and then file for a divorce if you don't feel like going back to him after that.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

You need therapy for yourself.....forget that he doesn't want to go. Go for you.
You need to go on your own. Make yourself better and then when you are able to see things in a more balanced light, then make hard and fast decisions. Not right now, not in this mental state.

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Re: Marriage falling apart :(

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