[quote="zimzimma, post:114, topic:265690"]
Love how you say it how it is. :)
sarcasm?
well OP have you talked to him about this? that you're on the edge and don't know what to do? have you asked him if he wants to stay in this marriage?
[/QUOTE]
No sarcasm
Re: Marriage falling apart 
Oh yea…and of course, this whole thing is the woman’s fault b/c she must not be nice to her husband or showing him enough respect. And how dare she talk back when her husband argues with her or even considers doing something he doesn’t like. As you said…become a robot. Put aside your own dreams, wants etc. Pop out a kid or two while you’re at it so both of you feel stuck in the marriage b/c of the kids. And voila…here comes the perfect happy marriage. 
A marriage like this would be a wonderful example for the kids.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
i agree with bsb u should follow her advice ..stop thinking negative ...who said to u that every married couple have same thoughts ? no its mostly girl compromise with her husband becoz she wants her home her kids ...and 1 u should give respect to yur husbnd and slowly with yur love and respect he will understnd u and u will understnd him.. try to avoid those things which he doesnt like .like keep quite when he agrue with u let him give time and INSHALLAH he will releaize his faults...and if u have kids then u both will busy with them ..he will try to think about them abt their future and u also their ur both thinking will match
worst advice ever. I doubt anyone who really believes this is really happy in their married life. Sad.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
Sorry but do not bring kids in to this. I know of someone in the US who thought the same, that the marriage will be saved once a baby comes along. Now the situation is even WORSE than before, the couple are so close to a divorce and there is an 8 month old baby girl involved. You do not want this to happen!!
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
What was he like before you two got married? Did he seem to have these views?
I don't really know what to say except agree with nnabid, please don't think about getting pregnant till these issues are sorted.. I find it a bit worrying too that ur husband says once you have a kid you won't have 'time' to think about these things as if it's all your fault..
We knew each other since 17 and got married at 21. Honestly, I think that at that age, there was little room for us to get to know each on the basis of personality and future life. I mean I donno how else to explain it, but we really never talked about how we want to "live". I seriously think it was our fault and so immature of us to make a decision like this w/o knowing what we're getting into......as they say love is blind, a little too blind in our case! He doesn't say it's my fault and neither do I say it's his fault. We just fight, I cry, he breaks things, and then we both talk about how our marriage is a disaster....every week the same cycle repeats :( He always says everything will be alright and I always think "will it be?" :(
That's great....but here's something very important you haven't mentioned. Does HE also want to save this marriage as much as you do? Marriages don't work unless BOTH people are committed to it.Whether or not we think love or compatibility is important really doesn't matter. Only YOU know what you're going through on a daily basis. Its a blessing that no kids are involved. Do you want to raise a child in your current situation? 6 years of your life has already gone by. Are you willing to continue living like this for the next 40 years? Answer the questions above and you'll know what to do. But keep in mind.....you can't force anyone to change who they are.
He wants to save the marriage just like I do, but we both don't know how. At times, when I get panic attacks and have to go to the ER and stuff, he just says, I don't want to hurt you more, if you want to leave me, go ahead. And sometimes, when we're fighting he says "I don't know why I'm still with you". One time, I decided to leave and started packing my stuff, he just banged his head in the wall and said he's gonna go crazy and then I stayed....and we both cried the whole night for our failed relationship! In the past, we used to fight and say stuff to each other that our lives are messed up due to each other but recently it's getting unbearable bcoz he sometimes curses at me (which is extremely unlikely of him as I have never heard him curse at anyone, let alone me) and then I end up cursing back (unlikely of me too). I just feel that instead of turning each other into a better person, we're bringing out the worst in each other.
He's really turning into a "pakistani mentality" coz of how influenced he is from his parents side, who are very religious (as in Pakistani religious) and extremely narrow-minded. He doesn't believe in counseling. Like, I used to wear hijab even before I got married but his parents want me to wear a burqa and niqaab so tells me why I don't do it since it's something good and they aren't suggesting anything bad. Like yeah, he tells me things like these that no doubt are good, but if it's not in my heart, how am I gonna do it by force? He promised me to let me go to med school and now he disagrees bcoz his family doesn't like it or sometimes when I cry too much at my failed and unaccomplished life, he just says, "may be in a few years, you can do some kind of master's when the kids are growing up". I mean really?!
well OP have you talked to him about this? that you're on the edge and don't know what to do? have you asked him if he wants to stay in this marriage?
Yes, we both talk about this but it almost always ends up in a fight. He says he wants to work things out when we're calm but when a fight starts, he says things like "I don't know why I'm with you", "Just go to your parent's house", etc. He has never said anything about getting a divorce though, if anything he just tells me "if you're so stuck with me and can't tolerate me, then go find someone better".
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
then go to your parents house
stop caving into him and just go.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
You both want to make it work. THIS IS BIG!
Get into marriage counseling. You both have tried talking to one another, doesn't work. So now you need to change some variable to get different results, right?
Say, you were to leave him. What would be your top FIVE reasons? Make a list, and ask him to do the same. That would be a good place to start, instead of saying "we're just so different."
The only thing wrong I see with your husband is him keeping you from going to school. Why? Because his family wouldn't approve? Well, they don't approve of you anyway, so why does their opinion matter in the discussion of your education?
You guys have a pretty good chance of getting through this, just need to find different avenues to get closer to one another.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
P.S: Our families don't know about any of this, not even my mom. Both our families were against us getting married since we really are very different people in all aspects.....the diff being that he's urdu speaking from Karachi and we're from NWFP. But somehow they just agreed to take us to the masjid and get us nikahed. Yes, we just had a nikah at the masjid, with only his brother present and my family and close relatives. This is very unlikely in my family to not have a big function and all the shenanigans associated with a wedding. So yeah, this is how we got married in the first place, and now it seems so awkward and embarrassing to discuss it with any of our family that "hey you guys were right, we'll never stay together!". Everyone around us thinks we're the happiest couple in the world! :'(
Alhamdulillah, we both pray 5 times a day, and make lots of dua'a, and tell each other to make dua'a for each other and our relationship....but still, here I am, not having talked to my husband since the last 3 days, posting on GS for advice!
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
You both want to make it work. THIS IS BIG!
Get into marriage counseling. You both have tried talking to one another, doesn't work. So now you need to change some variable to get different results, right?
Say, you were to leave him. What would be your top FIVE reasons? Make a list, and ask him to do the same. That would be a good place to start, instead of saying "we're just so different."
The only thing wrong I see with your husband is him keeping you from going to school. Why? Because his family wouldn't approve? Well, they don't approve of you anyway, so why does their opinion matter in the discussion of your education?
You guys have a pretty good chance of getting through this, just need to find different avenues to get closer to one another.
The thing is I don't want to leave him, he doesn't want to leave me either, but sometimes it gets unbearable for me and I'm sure it gets the same with him. He doesn't believe in counseling, saying it's a "gora people thing". Just like this, all his answers and suggestions often seem so uneducated and backward to me. It's not just about school, school was just an example. It's almost everything, from little to big. I understand there are disagreements in every marriage but then there is something called "narrow-mindedness", that's what all his answers are based on. I mean he's a really nice and a good-hearted person otherwise, like I really feel lucky for that sometimes, but when we fight, everything seems like a nightmare. And obviously, our "intimate life" suffers as well since my mind is always too frustrated to "do anything".....and that brings up a whole another fight coz he thinks "I don't love him anymore". I mean really, how can you get intimate when you're brain is all fried up and your heart broken into a million pieces? He doesn't get it!
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
praying doesn't really do much if there isn't action within yourself and your partner..
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
^ I wouldn't dare to disagree with that one.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
^ Actions speak louder than words. Yes, your husband says he wants to make it work....but he refuses to go into counselling to get help. He physically breaks things and bangs his head against the wall (ie. threatens to hurt himself in order to guilt you into staying). He refuses to let you attend school even though he knows its extremely important to you (and he told you before marriage that he'd ok ok with it!). And he's trying to force you to wear burqa knowing you have no interest in it (you're happy with wearing hijab).
And you sound like you have low self-esteem with no emotional support from anyone (since no one in real life knows about all these SERIOUS problems you're having). And because he threatens to hurt himself when you try to leave.....you really feel like you're stuck.
You must realize and accept that he will NOT change. If he's becoming more "Pakistani" as you put it due to his parents influence....and you two disagree on things like whether or not you should wear burqa or if marriage counselling is a "gora thing"......these not change. I think you really need to talk to someone you trust and can rely on for support.
In addition, since you're having panic attacks that're sending you to the ER.....then YOU need to go into conselling by yourself. Don't ask him for permission (b/c you know he's going to prevent you from doing a "gora thing"). Just make the appointment and start getting the professional help YOU need. Don't hold off on getting help for YOURSELF just b/c he's refusing to get help for himself and for the marriage.
If you're absolutely stuck on not getting a divorce.....then unfortunately your life will continue like this UNLESS your husband is also willing to make some changes in his behavior. Like I said earlier....it takes BOTH people to make a marriage happy. Yes, your husband says that he wants the marraige to be happy....but his actions say something very different.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
perhaps is wasted and you should listen to the people who think you should just suffer through it and pray that it will get better.
Which I find funny because Allah can't help you if you don't help yourself.
If he really wants this marriage to work then you have to be stronger and stop letting him force you to do stuff.
Ask him "why did you marry me in the first place? So I could change into what your family wanted? Why didn't you let your family pick a girl for you?" and if he tells you that because he fell in love with you etc
then you say "Well if you love me then you have to accept who I am and that includes wearing my hijab which I do by CHOICE. I want to make this marriage work and if you want to make it work too then you will come with me to see a doctor. Your family is not in this marriage we are and they can't help us if we don't help ourselves."
I agree with Paheli you have to see a doctor yourself and gain some self respect/esteem.
Perhaps that will bring more clarity in what you ought to do.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
^ Actions speak louder than words. Yes, your husband says he wants to make it work....but he refuses to go into counselling to get help. He physically breaks things and bangs his head against the wall (ie. threatens to hurt himself in order to guilt you into staying). He refuses to let you attend school even though he knows its extremely important to you (and he told you before marriage that he'd ok ok with it!). And he's trying to force you to wear burqa knowing you have no interest in it (you're happy with wearing hijab).
And you sound like you have low self-esteem with no emotional support from anyone (since no one in real life knows about all these SERIOUS problems you're having). And because he threatens to hurt himself when you try to leave.....you really feel like you're stuck.
You must realize and accept that he will NOT change. If he's becoming more "Pakistani" as you put it due to his parents influence....and you two disagree on things like whether or not you should wear burqa or if marriage counselling is a "gora thing"......these not change. I think you really need to talk to someone you trust and can rely on for support.
In addition, since you're having panic attacks that're sending you to the ER.....then YOU need to go into conselling by yourself. Don't ask him for permission (b/c you know he's going to prevent you from doing a "gora thing"). Just make the appointment and start getting the professional help YOU need. Don't hold off on getting help for YOURSELF just b/c he's refusing to get help for himself and for the marriage.
If you're absolutely stuck on not getting a divorce.....then unfortunately your life will continue like this UNLESS your husband is also willing to make some changes in his behavior. Like I said earlier....it takes BOTH people to make a marriage happy. Yes, your husband says that he wants the marraige to be happy....but his actions say something very different.
You're right, I do have low self esteem, but I really do love him. I can't hurt him ever. He never threatens to hurt himself, he has a big ego. It's just that he does that in disappointment, I donno how to explain, like, he says things like "why did I ever get into this", etc. He's never forced me to wear burqa, and at times even told his parents to not force me, but sometimes he just says that "if my parents are saying this, it's not a bad thing, you should consider it, but upto you". Actually, he's never agreed to go into real counseling coz it's a "gora thing" but we did few times go to few diff Imaams at diff masjids coz he believes in that. And obviously, the imaams said there's nothing wrong with them suggesting to wear a burqa, nothing wrong with not going to med school, staying at home and taking care of kids is more sawaab, being patient is more sawaab and you'll get the ajar sooner or later, etc etc. The imaam gave us a wazifa to read everyday, and honestly I kinda slacked on it and he's the one who reads it every single day morning and evening.....not saying that it's working or not, just that he tries.
And about his behavior---his behavior was never bad towards me. He's very loving and caring otherwise. It's just when we have disagreements and it ends up in a fight, he starts yelling. He never used to yell either, just leave the house for a couple of hours or go to the masjid and come back with a normal attitude, but in the past year it's progressed to yelling and breaking of things. Sometimes I think it's coz in the past year his parents moved like two houses down from our house, he's there every single day or they're over everyday....before he used to see them every two weeks/a month or so. Until last year he was ok with me getting a master's (not med school) and this year, it has changed to "take care of kids and study later". He's the only son that lives close to his parents, they depend on him only, all his other siblings are in diff states and of course don't have any more relation with me except "salams". Even when his parents come over or I go there, I just sit in a corner reading something or in the kitchen cooking something. I don't exist to them, still after 6 yrs! He sees nothing wrong with that and tells me to mind my own business. I mean how can I mind my own business when they're in my house or I'm cooking a feast for them every single day, only to hear their indirect taunts towards me, serve them, and clean the dishes with no help whatsoever!
If we get invited to a dawat where my in-laws are not invited, we still have to take them with us, no matter what! If they get invited somewhere and are TOLD to bring your son and bahu, we're either not told by my in-laws or it's either said to the hosts that "my bahu didn't feel like coming". And my dear husband thinks, they're "elders" so no matter what they do, we should not mind it.
I go thru his family drama every single day if not every single hour! And on top of that, I have no help in the house with laundry, cooking, etc, and all the mess that my husband makes coz during the last year his reply has changed to "a wife is supposed to do all that". :(
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
your husband makes me sick like really I want to throw up after reading your post I'm just disgusted by how HE and his family treat you and the fact that you accept it and you're saying "oh he's loving and blah blah"
girl, what you're saying isn't loving its damn right suffocating
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
your husband makes me sick like really I want to throw up after reading your post I'm just disgusted by how HE and his family treat you and the fact that you accept it and you're saying "oh he's loving and blah blah"
girl, what you're saying isn't loving its damn right suffocating
lol, I love the way you talk/write! :)
No, seriously, he's a really good person, loving, and caring. The only similarity we have is that we're both doormats. He's a doormat to his parents/siblings and I'm a doormat to everyone! He wanted kids at the beginning of our marriage when we were both 21 and I delayed until now (we're 27). He supported my decision UNTIL his parents moved closer and told him God knows what! Yeah, in the beginning we used to disagree on things and I used to cry, but he'd always sit there and kiss me, bring me water, something to eat, and tell me everything will be alright (his family problems, etc.). He still hugs me/calms me down when I start crying but only after he's finished yelling. In the past months I've started yelling extremely too, which I'm really guilty of, coz I am not like that at all.
Honestly, Im more concerned and scared of what kind of person I AM turning into, and what kind of personality I AM adapting to than what kind of person HE has become. I just don't feel "ME" anymore, I feel like I'm living a life of someone else. No one has forced me to live this way but still I'm in a circle of disappointment, a never-ending circle.
Walking out of this, yes I've thought many times, not out of hate for him but only because we both deserve someone like us and only to end this hurt we're both going through...but, with the whole world thinking that we're a perfect couple, I feel like I'll cause more disappointment to others and myself, and of course happiness to some. My parents were divorced too, and with me getting a divorce, my mom will be devastated and I fear that I won't find someone else, and will be alone all my life. I fear loneliness, may be due to my low self-esteem but seriously even if I leave him, I'll never be able to love anyone or be with anyone again. He was my first crush, love, everything :'(
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
perhaps is wasted and you should listen to the people who think you should just suffer through it and pray that it will get better. Which I find funny because Allah can't help you if you don't help yourself.
Some ppl need this drilled into their heads..
(Not meant at you, OP.. I mean others who think it's something positive to suffer just for the sake of it)..
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
I think you need to get this out of your head that you won't be able to love someone more than him. Time doesn't stay the same forever, ups and downs are part of life. You can't expect things to be the same because the next second is unpredictable in reality. I'm glad you pray 5times a day since I was oblivious to it. I wouldn't suggest you to take a divorce from your husband but he has taken you for granted. Can you live separately for couple of months so both of you can absorb information and figure out eachother's strengths and weaknesses? Figure out where you were wrong and where he was wrong... Distance makes the heart to miss that special someone. In this phase, you will find out for sure if your husband wants to make it work. You need this break before you turn into a physco path... Crying shows an attribute of weak character. Please understand that Allah has already given you so much, focus on that. I would suggest you to live your life in harmony and set goals for yourself. You have suffered enough because your husband can't realize your sacrifices. Don't waste your life in misery but keep Allah close to yourself. Think logically, don't fall for your emotional garbage. You don't know what good things Allah have stored for you in future but taking an action is necessary. Stop hurting yourself. Azmaish SE guzar chuki ho ap... Zindagi ko azaab mat banao.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
I am surprised that you don't have a female support network that can help you through this situation.
You can't and don't need to keep up the perfect couple image to the world any longer.
How is it possible that your own family doesn't know about this whole mess ?
You need to involve them now.
I don't know about med school. Who would pay for it ? It is a big investment.
As far as your husband is concerned, he will pay through his nose to send you to med school to lose you to a fellow student
and then again pay through his nose for a divorce settlement.
But who can stop anybody from working in this day and age and in America ?
You should start working after letting him know.
Who can force a woman to wear a burqa and look like a cartoon in America in this day and age ?
Since there are no kids involved, this seem like a classic case for separation/divorce.
You should move out with mutual agreement between husband and you to your parents for some time ( months, a year ).
That will give both of you time to see if you like it and want to make new lives separately.
But will be less shocking and painful than a divorce right away.
You can start working also while you are away.
Remember, depending on the background of the people at the helm of affairs in the masjid in question, it may not be the best place for councelling.
Neither do I endorse the conventional councelling too much unless you realize that not all the advice given may be good or practical for you.
As long as there is bad relationship between you and his parents, things won't be much different in the future.
You can decide to make the best of a bad situation and stay put as in a marital contract but don't expect a lovey dovey relationship/life.
You will have to deal with it like a full-time commitment that may be bitter-sweet.
You certainly need to find something to do - either a job outside or raising kids or both while remembering that kids can complicate matter later for you and him both.
Re: Marriage falling apart :(
please talk to your husband and make him understand.
Be strong and make sure you think about you want and be practical about it.
Don't get woooed by the moment. a hug and a kiss + "it will get better" won't do anything. Praying won't do anything either because you are not facing your issues.
You're just running away from them and so is he.
So sit down calmly with him and talk to him about it remain calm please