Re: Marital Problems
I found almost all of the above mentioned replies very logical, but before taking a step you should have a good "idea" of how his psychology works. A step which might seem very good to you might take things in the worst direction. So be careful and think calmly before deciding any step. Also pray to Allah (swt) to guide you and help you in making the right decision. Just say Bismillah..... before doing anything.
Re: Marital Problems
MashAllah you seem to be a very strong girl...you bore all these things...for 2 years,inshAllah Allah's mercy will surely descend upon you.Take it as a test from Allah swt and seek Allah's help from salah.Try to be puctual in your salah..and start making salatul hajat,believe me it will help you a lot.Don't hasten to make any quick decission..rather deal things with lot of hikmah(wisdom) because your situation is so delicate.It might be possible that Allah must have chosen you as a source of hidayah for your husband..you never know Allahs hikmah.Do not loose hope from Allah's mercy.You know the ulamas say do not hate the gunahgaar rather hate the gunaah within him.Try talking to your mom.
May Allah make things easy for you with afiyah ameen.InshAllah for sure i'll rem you in my duas.
Re: Marital Problems
Till now, we have discussed two kind of pressures which might keep your husband in control / well mannered. Though both of them are important, I would like to go into a bit detail
1. External Pressure:
It is relatively easier to achieve but it might not last longer.No matter if it is of parents, law, money....etc. or anything else, he would definately strike back the moment he gets control / opportunity. Also his politeness and good manner would be fake (due to love of money / power) You might use this pressure for a certain time (to keep things temporarily in control) till you are able to achieve the following (internal) pressure.
2. Internal Pressure:
It is relatively very difficult to achieve but is the most effective one. The moment you have been able to light the "fire of imaan" within him, through sincere prayers from Allah, discussing with him attributes of Allah (which I think he would like to discuss) then your parents wont have to go through pain / guilt while dealing with him. He would automatically place importance of everything where they "Actually belong " whether it is money or wife. This time his good manners would be for the love of Allah (swt) the purity of which you would be able to feel in your heart in the form of warmth.
Re: Marital Problems
Quite obviously you are married to a sick HYPOCRITE. I think two years are enough for the judgment/waiting for change period. He doesn't deserve you and that's it!!
Don't be cruel to yourself as your own self has rights over you. I would say, divorce him without a second thought.
Re: Marital Problems
this really is a sad story... but unfortunately very common and one that a close friend of my own is going through.
all i can say is there really isn't going to be any change from his side and you know there isn't a real future for this marriage.
i know of a few very similar situations, one ended after 10 years and one after 25. The women existed in that mental state for all those years and for what?! to avoid the shame...???!!!! your parents love you and the if they knew of half the torment you were going through they would drag you home in a heart beat.
so what if people talk? how long will they talk for? it'll pass and what you will learn is no one matter in this world apart from the people you love and those are the very people who want the best for you.
you seem like a bright and intelligent person, you know what you need to do. i can't imagine being in a situation like you are in, because there are people out there that can make you happy and feel loved and adored and want you for you. The fact that you won't experience that if you stay in your marriage, is so heartbreakingly sad.
to do this while you are young and earlier in the marraige rather than later is the only advice i can give you, this is from my own experiences. you will save yourself so much heartache.
Re: Marital Problems
Yuhiza....
I have seen **some **men (men that are raised from pak) that try to "control" their wives in the begininng ....so you're not alone unfortunately. It's sad that they feel the need to do that.
I promise you one thing though...if you pray to Allah SWT to make things easier for you and your relationship...you stick to what you believe is right (as long as it doesnt go outside the folds of Islam) and you find a way to compromise on some situations which you think you can live with/without ..inshAllah your husband will give up on trying to "control" you. You just have to be patient....I know easier said then done.
I pray that things work out in your best interest.
Re: Marital Problems
Yuhiza..
I dont have any advice for you.. i just wanted to say that i sincerely pray that Allah tala makes life easy for you and helps you in everyway...i feel so upset after reading ur comments, i cant imagine how you've managed to cope these last 2 years :( hang in there...do what you think is best, mashallah you sound really strong and mature and im sure life will get easier...please dont let things get to u so much (easier said than done i no) but its affecting ur health!
i will do lots of dua for you.. xxxx
Re: Marital Problems
u wont get anything by staying quiet and just by praying to Allah... u got to take a stand for yourself... start making him realize about his wrongs and predict your future from his reactions... if this is something u wanna live through the rest of your life? then please do so by all means... because its your life.
if you dont wanna suffer (and ask urself, 'why should u?), do something about it and involve your family as well... they must got to know about their 'khandani larka' .. so u dont get blamed if something bad happens later.
he seems to have pretty low mentality... i wonder how u r putting up with him... anyways...
Re: Marital Problems
Two years is way too long. Get out now. And quick. Don't waste any more time over him. Good luck.
Re: Marital Problems
Ok, i think there is still some hope. Up bringing is main issue here. U can't change that. But showing him some real human values, and make him adopt it, will change him.
See if you can provide him with some good friends, with real islamic and ethical values. As people listen to their friends more then family.
Just a suggestion :)
Re: Marital Problems
I can SO empathise. May Allah (SWT) help you and everybody else who is going through similar situations. Ameen. My honest advice would be to get him to leave. Even the strongest person will eventually be psychologically worn down. Don't allow this to happen to yourself sister. x
Re: Marital Problems
Get yourself out of the situation sister. I've seen people fall in the 'I can change him' or 'I'm going to see this through for the sake of my family' trap before. IT DOESN'T WORK and is NOT fair on YOU. x
Re: Marital Problems
Gosh in reading your situation i feel i am seeing my future all i can do is pray. I found things like yoga and exercise really help if you going to take the "sabr Karo" route. Best of luck. And look on the bright side i know of many people in the same situation who have kids and hence another problem.
Best of luck
Re: Marital Problems
sahibzada is not a child. if he cant treat you in a civilized manner then why stick with him? 2 years is a long time and ppl adjust if they want to.
also realize that parents are not oblivious and may nto be bringing things up due to issues ranging from guilt to fear to not opening a pandora's box, but you will hurt them more by destroying yourself with nawaz saheb, rather
tell him to shape up or ship out, thats it.
strength is not in putting up with abuse...strength is in standing up to it...
oh and please...dont have any kids until you either turn barkhordaar around or kick his arse to the curb.
Re: Marital Problems
Please don't quit your job. You really need it for your own independence, sanity and peace of mind. You've already noted that he's trying to break you, and I agree with Mirch when she says he has a major inferiority complex.
You say he becomes aggressive ... ignores you or makes sarcastic comments. This is his way cause he knows it upsets you and brings you down. You need to ignore it when he does this, carry on as normal, and be yourself. Once he sees that his behaviour isn't getting to you any longer, he'll most likely stop doing that ..... but it will take a while as he's been doing this to you for 2 years. Don't become a weak coward (I know you are not a coward, but he sees you as one) when he behaves like this. Stand up to him. I'm not telling you to be rude or nasty, but once he sees that his behaviour isn't affecting you, he will think twice about doing it again next time. Right now, he wants to put you down and he does. Don't let him.
Please tell your parents everything. Like someone else above said, your father will hurt even more if he knows you are suffering in silence.
Stop giving him money. That's the impression I got when you said he likes to spend all your earrnings. Simply say no.
He's really living the life here. He treats you badly, puts you down, mentally tortures you and spends your money.
You aren't doing yourself any favour by silently putting up with this. You need to take a stand and it won't be easy, but I'm positive you can do it. You sound like a calm and intelligent girl, inshallah you will get through this.
Re: Marital Problems
... and then Muslim men think that Muslim women in a penalty box is joke...HUH!!!
I agree with what everyone has said.
Re: Marital Problems
Hi,
I can thank you guyz enough for all your posts. This is the first time I have bought it out in the open.
Since yesterday I have been really thinking about and have started to do something about it.
Before i go into details just like to say he doesn't spend all my earnings, i pay for everything myself but he never says no no matter how luxurious we are being. Compared to his lifestyle in pakistan he chooses to be very luxurious when i try and ,ake it realise we'v got a long way to go to settle down. In terms of religion he is very knowledgeable. He does Dhikr but not very practical and just uses it to blackmail me.
Spoke to my mum ans she was fuming. Wanted to ring him or his mum etc. She told me can't carry on like this need to have a wors with him. Told her going to wait two months before tell my dad or get my parents to speak to him.
Okay went home he was in a mood and this time round rather being all sweet and trying to find out the problem i chose not to speak to him as well. Whenever there is a problem he starts vommitting and thats what he was doing y'day.
After dinner i asked him what the problem was and he responded didn't have one etc. Basically he said had a problem with my clothes and i mentioned the other sarcastic comments he makes. He said i was such a typica girl bcoz he's joking and i take it seriously. Which is a lie.
I said i can't carry on living with him if he doesn't trust me. He said he trusts me but not completely bcoz of the picture he saw of me and my male friend from uni. I just said he can speak to him but i'm not not going to live like this all my life for a picture that meant nothing, we were just friends. Thats when he became very aggressive and lost it. First time i'v seen him that bad.
He said what would my parents think if they saw that pic and i said he's welcome to show it to them. He started ringing them n i didn't stop him. He dc the call and said its too late.
Then he said he was having chest pains and i said i was going to call the ambulance and he said doesn't need one.
Slept on the sofa and i stopped myself all night going and checking up onhim. It was really difficult but firsttime i have changed my altitiude and realising he is not going to change.
He says its my clothes but he what about the time inpak, i was wearing shalwar kameez and he never used to be happy.
I'm beginning to see things more clearly bu i also know i don't want a divorce.
I left the house this morning and he spoke to me quite harshly than he rang me to say 'sorry'. Thank he rang again if i can come back he wasn't feling well and if he dies to forgive him.
its really difficult what to do now. I can tell him now to change his altitude but he blackmails me with i have to change my dressing.
Re: Marital Problems
Wow....He has certainly mastered the art of emotional blackmail.
Re: Marital Problems
I left the house this morning and he spoke to me quite harshly than he rang me to say 'sorry'. Thank he rang again if i can come back he wasn't feling well and if he dies to forgive him.
its really difficult what to do now. I can tell him now to change his altitude but he blackmails me with i have to change my dressing.
Jeez he has got to know your nature and trying emotional blackmailing trick
Re: Marital Problems
Yuhiza,
May Allah st help u
I m sure u r doing the right thing now,be strong and strictly follow the Tit for Tat thing ,
and be like --------Dont show me ur attitude i have enough of mine---------
Jitna dabogii utna dabayi jaogii,
I m sure he will be alright very soon.