Two years is a LONG time, if he hasn't made any changes yet, I really do't see him making any changes. My honest advice is get out while you can. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, do NOT stay with the guy only because you are afraid of what your parents will think or family. THEY are NOT living your depressed life, you are dealing with it. But if you think he is worthy, giv ehim a shot but you HAVE to talk to him and be upfront about everything, have a discussion. Tell him your feelings, your wants, your likes/dislikes....and see if you can figure it out and if he is willing to change. Best of luck. Pray and make dua that Allah guides you to what is best for you.
Well, after receiving a pm from a fellow member, I feel I should elaborate my previous post here.
What I understood from the first post was that the sister has tried everything but she can't change the nature of a person. According to a hadith the heart of a man is in the control of Allah and Allah only can tilt it in the right direction. A lot of times sincere prayers of relatives help a lot. I was the worst child ever that a parent would have seen but their sincere prayers helped me just before I could have taken myself to destruction.
There can be a number of reasons of this situation. That person can be a test for us by nature to test our patience to see if we are still thankful to Allah. Also it can be a punishment of our previous mistakes in life which might have resulted in lack of "barakah" in our efforts to make things work in a relationship.
I don't deny human efforts that is why I said
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The best "first step" which I feel .....
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A lot of things are not in our control. We should do the ones in our control to our level best and leave the rest to "sincere prayers"
p.s. I hope I have been able to make some sense by the grace and mercy of Allah (swt).
Submission to Peace ur suggestion was very much appreciated and no one can changethis situation except Allah. That is something i need to do, start praying properly and ask him for help and than he will ensure I take the correct steps.
I do sometimes think i am being punished for a sin or I am doing something very wrong. the fact that my husband and FIL have made me feel like a great sinner has really made me alienated towards religion. They made me feel like i will go staright to hell whereas my belief is God can see in ur hearts too.
I used to pray Salah with such sincereity but now can't get that back. Me and my siblings we all have our religion but it has never been imposed on us therefore has resulted in us making gradual improvement and not being hypocrytes.
My husband chooses to live in this country yet he is always judging everyone about the moral standards, kids can't be raised here etc.
people like him NEVER change..saying this from experience..and yes life does become hell. You can NEVER change a person. You are still young look out for your hapiness and peace of mind. Talk to your parents openly..and then let them help you. Time changes nothing.
Awww Coco somehow you have the truth in it. We can only change a person, if that person wants to change himself! The process of change should come from the person, who needs to change.
It is a tragedy that at times we fail to realize that "Action speaks louder than words" which is exactly the reason some people (in this case husband) fail to be able to see what they want in people who are related to them.
I think it would be better if it is conveyed to him that the most effective and sincere actions results due to the "light from within" not by force. But ofcourse a reminder should be given from time to time with "Hikmah"
Sister, as it seems that there still is some hope in keeping this relationship alive (atleast for the sake of your parents, in their life) as he has shown few signs that he can become a good person, I think the best was to deal with him is to mentionfrequently Allah in your discussions. There are two benefits of that:
Mentioning attributes of Allah helps in softening the heart of the person who hears it, because of love for Allah. Also he fears the punishment of his rudeness.
Discussing and mentiong Attributes of Allah (swt) acts as a spark to light the fire of "Imaan" within a muslim, that automatically leads to good manners and attitude.
Also keep doing good (because every good action has atleast some good reaction) without expecting anything good in return (because we are hurt mostly when we are not mentally prepared to deal with a rude behaviour)
May Allah (swt) forgive me if I said anything wrong. May Allah (swt) put "barakah" in your efforts and accepts your sincere efforts.
InshaAllah everything would be fine as Allah knows BEST! and our mental capabilities are too limited to understand the "Maslehat" (wisdom) of Allah in the situations / difficulties we come across in life
You see it is always easy to destroy a relationship but very difficult to keep it alive, specially when the husband and wife have been brought up in a different environment. So better not to hurry up and keep trying. Your efforts would NEVER ever be wasted. If not in this relationship (Allah forbid), your efforts would definately bring good fruits in your future life (inshaAllah). It would help you in becoming a strong person. The strong wind from opposite direction is actually meant to make you fly higher. A diamond always comes out in a purified form after it goes through the fire. Just keep encouraging yourself with the thought of your parent's happiness and keep praying.
Whenever you feel a lot of pain, think " Pain is weakness leaving your body"
If the thought of divorce comes to your mind, tell yourself, let me try for few more day/ months...... I don't know when would my parents leave me forever, why not I give them another hour, day, week of happiness.
BUT do get them involved first, if you feel that you can't move further in keeping this relationship alive....
Divorce often seems the easy shortcut but it might bring along even tougher problems....so give yourself time "Pray along with efforts"
MAy Allah (swt) solve your problem, may Allah (swt) bring a very good change in your husband's nature and save him and you from separation. Ameen!
You say your dad is fragile and divorce would break him and people will talk about you in your community. Let me tell you that if your dad knew the pain and the hurt you were going through and WILL have to go through for the rest of your life that is what would really break him. We all worry about our parents izzat and don't want to hurt them but some times you have to face reality and do what will help you and I'm sure Allah s.w.t doesn't want you to go through this hurt and that's why we are given choices/decision in life and that's why we have a brain and a heart to make these decisions with. People who sincerely care about your well being and your sanity will respect you if you stood up for yourself and those who don't care about you will be the ones who sneer. This is my opinion and if I was going through the same thing I would have left time a long time ago. Your parents didn't love you and give you such a good upbringing and education for you too be treated like this in fact, they thought these qualities would gain you respect from your husband. If my daughter was going through the same thing I would tell her the same. Please don't be offended this is my opinion. If you had said you had been married for a couple of months I would have said…give it time, but two years is enough suffering in my eyes.
Oh Yuhiza, i am so sorry that you have to go through this alone. May Allah make everything easy for you soon Inshallah. Please remember not to bottle everything up because THAT makes it even worse. You need to confide in someone (anyone) who is close to you. As you mention, your mum! You need someone else on this. Please dont keep everything to yourself. And as STP said, namaaz will definately help and i second his suggestions about praying alone....let it all out...cry if you want...wail if you want to and make dua...it helps and best of all is that you are talking to Allah (swt) - the all mighty who is the only one who can help anyone through rough times. Trust me, i am talking from experience and OH GOD, namaaz helps me to get through it...All the best and i hope inshallah INSHALLAH everything works out....x
Encourage yourself with positives. At least he is a lot better than the husbands who drink and beat their wives. At least he is a bit religious and Allah's fear and love is still in his heart which needs a "spark" to light the fire of Imaan within. Atleast he sometimes help you in house hold activities and shows you signs that he loves you.
To summarise, at least he has the potential of becoming a good husband in future, by the grace and blessings of Allah (s.w.t)
salaam..... ok i can tell u this much, he will only make ur life worse, and im sayign this frm 1st hand experience... 25 yrs later he didnt change, instead he went and got married again b/c my mom didnt have a son. and b/c his fam really wanted him to. i know Sabr sabr sabr, lekun im just bitter now at that, b/c sabr works on humans. not animals. His mom n sisters are bhind this 100%. Get out while u can, before kids happen.... thats what happend to my mom! and u cna never get out after that b/c its unfair to the kids. and our lives have been just as ruined anyway! the besta dvice i can give u frm experience is Get out ASAP, ur young independent, u do NOT need to put up w/ this. u only get ONE life, hes such a jerkkk!
Another problem is I can't make my paremts realise the extent ofthe problem. Because they don't see the verbal abuse and the mental torture its pretty difficult. The only reason my mum has come round is she started having bad dreams where she has seen me really worried. She is a very pious women and trust me she approached me first and asked me. Its since i spoke to her that I have had the courage to think about this because before I felt under so much pressure to just take whatever he gives me.
Before u guys lash out at me plz dont. Halaath ney mujhey aysa buna diya hai! i am still a typical paki girl at heart and will bend over back wards for my husband to whom im gettin married in 5 months, lekun hes not a jerk alhumd and lil fights n misundertsanding i understand, but this guy, he is to the extreme my dad is/was... now hes just old so he doesnt have the energy left to be a jerk to my mom..
Never let anger and frustration accumulate inside you, because if you keep controlling yourself it might explode suddenly which would not be good for you and your relationship. Let out your frustration through effective ways with "Hikmah" (sometimes in a joke effectively, when he is in a good mood) for which the first thing you should know is "His Psychology" What are morally good things that make him happy ? Does he feel embarrassed and guilty after you quitely listen to his anger and give him a silent treatment. Does he feel embarrassed when you stop eating with him? Does he feel embarrassed if you do anything which he was supposed to do himself and you did it for him while he was not expecting it ? Does he feel embarrassed when you mention to him ALLAH while he is angry at you ? Does he feels embarrassed when you tell him that his manners are NOT THE WAYS OUR PROPHET (SAW) TAUGHT US...........etc.
Ask Him " Would you be able to FACE Allah (swt) on the day of judgement after using THIS kind of language / treatment with me ?"
Mirch - Thanks for the post it has been noted what you said. Like u said can't take any drastic actions just have to think about it slowly and gradually.
islam teaches that a woman should cover.. islam also teaches that it is the husbands responsibilty to provide living and other expenses for hiws wife/ it is a farz a must for the husband to provide..
does he know that ???
Don't ever think that you pampering him will make him happy.. he is man and deep down it hurts his manhood that you make the money and he is worth less ///
I can't understand these parents who... just to help out their extended family.. use their kids like this..
i think you should explain each and every thing.. without getting angry .. to your mother.. and then your mother should talk to his mother...
he sees u as the quiet kind who will take anything and everthing.. and will keep giving u money.. and what kind of a low life asks his wife to be for a blank check.. dont get me wrong.. but u pretty much asked for it...
stop doing him any favours and tell him that he needs to find a job and stand on his own feet.. and provide atleast share in the household..
salaam..... ok i can tell u this much, he will only make ur life worse, and im sayign this frm 1st hand experience... 25 yrs later he didnt change, instead he went and got married again b/c my mom didnt have a son. and b/c his fam really wanted him to. i know Sabr sabr sabr, lekun im just bitter now at that, b/c sabr works on humans. not animals. His mom n sisters are bhind this 100%. Get out while u can, before kids happen.... thats what happend to my mom! and u cna never get out after that b/c its unfair to the kids. and our lives have been just as ruined anyway! the besta dvice i can give u frm experience is Get out ASAP, ur young independent, u do NOT need to put up w/ this. u only get ONE life, hes such a jerkkk!
this is also another side for you to see.. explain it to your mother .. dont be afraid
I say call his bluff and speak to your parents, he's using reverse psychology on you, making you feel that your the perpitrator in all of whats happening. Our people have this issue of when things are not what they seem to hide it from all, be it family, simply sweep it under the carpet and move forward, well that doesnt work.
From what i've read, this person will not change, only from you having the guts to speak up and confront the issue with the help of ya family are you going to make changes. I'll add more later in the day.
Don't ever think that you pampering him will make him happy.. he is man and deep down it hurts his manhood that you make the money and he is worth less ///
100 percent correct , I do think that deep down he has developed this hate with Yuhiza's materialistically successful life. He has developed an inferiority complex and that inferiority complex forces him to behave the way he is behaving with her. This behavior is typical behavior of a person who has this complex and wants to feel all powerful and mighty by putting the source of his inferiority complex down.
As for fear of Allah , commands of Allah and making Allah happy all this has no real meaning for this guy. He is for now a gold digger and using the best strategy he knows and can think of , to own and keep this goldmine. But still there seems to be hope , looks like he is smart enough to know how to behave in front of those who he needs to keep happy , the girls parents. So his behavior with the girl can be changed too to make him realize that if he needs to own and keep this goldmine for all his life he has to behave nicely with her too. It is OK if the woman he is married to makes more money . This does not make him less of a man in her eyes.
Again it should be done in a way that it should give boost to his ego and not a blow to his ego.
