He has the perception of being religious and me being the sinner.
So can't change him on that front. I do try but really no point. He goes on about me not praying at work, that if i really wanted to there would be no excues. When he might be home all day and not be regular about praying.
i can go on and on what he does but still no solution.
I understand your dilemma, he is too hung on the religious side of life, where as he himself is not doing enough or the basic duties. Tell him too look at his own doings and u will look at your own.
When is not regular with praying at home and tells u to pray at work, do u ask him why he didnt pray, u can have a valid excuse, too much work or not a clean place ect...
Counter back at him, ask him the same questions .. let him have his own pills.
I can Saadia but he gets aggressive. Stops speaking to me etc.
Looks to me like there's not going to be any improvement in your situation without disclosure to and involvement from either your parents, elder siblings or other trusted family members.
I know that you say that this isn't possible, but without it I can't see you getting any closer to resolving your predicament.
Ideally this should shake your husband awake so that he begins to realise the error of his ways.
Your sabr will reap great rewards, but there is only so much that a person can take - and from what you've said, I think you've had more than enough.
I have a question that maybe you should think about for a while....Why do you want to keep this man as your husband? Is it simply that you do not want the scar of divorce on your reputation or is it that you see something/anything in this man that makes the marriage worth working on?
I hate to say that he sounds pretty hopeless but there it is. Its not that he's a bad person per se, he is just extremely culturally different and seemingly very averse to communicating and/or working on the marriage. He seemingly wants things his way and thats that - like you have no say. Any marriage can fail if there is no communication and no compromise.
In the short run, if you want to work on saving the marriage, you need to get him to communicate and to compromise. If there is even slight interest on his part to do these things then there may be hope yet.
I do wish you the very best either way things turn out. Hang in there.
After reading the first post, The best "first step" which I feel is something very easy but at the same time difficult too. Those who have tried it have ALWAYS got good results IMMEDIATELY but some how beacuse of our weak imaan (muslims like me) we usually don't give it a try. If you try it, I promise you would get good results within few days, by the grace and mercy of Allah (s.w.t). It doesn't require any money or efforts only tears of sincerity infront of someone who deserves it.
It is :
At night when everyone is sleeping, move to a room where you are all alone, pick up a jaye namaz and after offering two nafil, start praying from heart. Tell all your "Shikwa & Shikayaat", all the pain you have been suffering from & everything to Allah (swt).
O' Allah (swt) I have no one who can help me but only YOU! Please forgive me for all the disobedience which I did in the past. I promise if you solve this problem for me, I would always try my level best to become a good muslimah. Nothing is difficult for you, my mental capabilities are too limited to understand the solution of this problem, but with your only ONE order everything can become good. We humans are too weak, but you are the ultimate and Almighty. You know that I tried my best all I could to improve the relationship but it hasn't worked till now. I have come to your door with a lot of hope, If you also reject me then where would I go.........
Whatever happens after you do this, inshaAllah would be the best for you in all ways, which you would realize with time. Allah would create the circumstances, the end result of which would be the best for you. Wallahu Alam
p.s. If you feel you have been doing something basic against islamic teachings (like not praying five times regularly....etc.) kindly think about it and make decisions which you feel you should make.
Sister, May Allah (swt) bless you and your family with all the blessings of this life and hereafter.
i know it will be very difficult but you have to get your parents involved. despite all his shortcomings, the fact that he still behaves well in front of your parents is a huge advantage for you! it means he still has respect or fear for them and their involvement should shake him out of it-- this has been going on long enough, you have done everything in your power to make things work. he is not going to change if things keep going the way they are, there needs to be outside influence and pressure for him to change, otherwise things will stay as they are or get worse. please get someone you trust involved, you have been going through a lot alone, its time you had someone on your side.
Asimaan..ur right its time to do something about and like you said sumission to peace no one better than Allah (s.w.t).
He will guide me towards whatever is best and i am going to start discussing things with my mum rather disclose quite openly whatever is happening.
I think should make myself strong and change my altitiude.
Pray for me.
Please let ur suggestions coming in. If you feel i'm at mistake let me know bcoz at the end of day i'd much rather things improved rather than having to do something drastic.
Mamaof the reason i want to keep this man as my husband is bcoz i don't want to put my parents throught anything. It will be too much for my dad. People will talk a lot which will really affect him. His health isn't great he has a lot of responsibilities on him and he's the kind of person when there are problems in extended family it affects his health. I feel he is very fragile.
^i'm glad u decided to talk to your mom about this openly! also submission to peace is right too, make sure you pray to allah regularly and ask for his help every step of the way. (but get help from your parents at the same time)
i'm going to recommend a dua that i have found very useful, it works when situations seem impossible:
allahumma ajirni min musibati wa akhlifli khairum min ha
trans: oh allah relieve me from my problem and bring out from it good for me
I think you should talk to your husband first...and let him know your feelings...before you talk to anyone else. Save your dad the pain that his daughter is not happy as you said he has health problems!
As I see through it. There is some ray of hope. Where is that ray of hope ?
It is in your sentence where you said that while you are at work sometimes he tidies up home and even at times cooked meals.
He is good with your parents so it means he can he good, he is not all bad. We can count on this and hope for the best.
What I see, and as Mamaof3 said above, is lack of communication. Yes he is communicating loud and clear but you are not.
May be I missed it somewhere but I see only ultimatums and threats on your part and his part .
You have never opened up to him in the ways you should as this situation demands.
You are bringing all this out here in these forums so coolly and calmly , can you please do the same kind of cool and calm communication to him. Maybe he never heard what you want off of him as a husband and he never got trained on the aspects of how he is supposed to be a good husband to a good wife like you .
Looks like you never communicated to him what is bad about his behavior and attitude and he thinks that everything is , as they say it in UK, hunky dory. He is like a child who is being raised with that kind of care where the bad behavior is ignored and that gives this kid wrong message as to that there is nothing like bad behavior.
If you can analyze and tell him what is wrong with his behavior and attitudes, did you ever tell him all this. You can have a cool and calm conversation with him while your parents and whole family is present but everybody as to be calm and cool , there should be no emotional outburst , no finger pointing no blaming. He should just be told what he needs to do what is expected of him. But change and expectations is not a one way street he will definitely tell you what kind of expectations he has from you as his wife and the ways he wants you to change.
Yes there is a 180 degrees difference in your upbringing and his and there is 180 degrees difference in your and his thinking but we have to find middle grounds. For example you can wear a hijab as he likes it, yes you do not want it to do because it is between you and Allah but being obedient wife is a way to please Allah too. Right ? He does not want you to have any kind of contact your male acquaintances that is fine. You have already agreed to it.
I am not seeing that you have to be a floor mat on which he has to walk comfortably. He has to stop all the verbal , emotional and behavioral abuse but you will have to tell him what is that verbal , emotional and behavioral abuse in your eyes.
I could advise you to write a letter to him in which you mention what is bothering you and taking a toll on your health and leave and go to your parents house and wait to see what transpires and go from there. But there has to be a two way communication and dialog between you and your husband to sort the things out.
You can combine these two steps , talk to your parents and then write a letter and wait for him to come and talk to you and your parents.
The situation is very complex and cannot be sorted out in one sitting but that can be a start to resolution.
Yuhiza, in that case it is a really good idea to get your mom involved. And once your mom has been fully told everything, let your husband know that you are taking steps to improve things and that your family will step in when and as necessary since things have not improved in their own. Let him know that you are really serious about making the marriage work but work in a way that the both of you can be happy. And that at this point, you are NOT happy but are very willing to work things out. Would it be possible for your mom to live with you for a while? I usually would never suggest such a thing but in your case, it may help get things on the right track.
Talking to him is teh best solution just scared of his reactions. I have never shouted at him or had slanging matches. He has appreciated that as well as he is ver temperamental.
It does have a lot to do with how he has been bought up. His mum is treated like a doormat so i can see where it comes from. Also the pakistani culture of ensuring wife stays under the thumb its there. Its quite prominant that he has been bought up with that mentality around him. Such as keeping tabs on my money, women alwayz want 'azadi', assumes that i hate cooking etc.
There is a good side to him but living on a day to day basis with him its difficult to see it.
Its hard as well because he is a very selfish character, temeperamental, think no manners are needed to speak to him wife and more importanlt the biggest probably being insecure.
Another reason is influence from his parents, especially his dad. I don't want to get into that but sometimes u can see it.
I'm so paranoid i see things so negatively. I really need to sit down with him or best write a letter and see what he has to say.
You say he helps round the house sometimes and even cooks sometimes........OK, so he knows his right from worng (as in you're at work all day so help you with the chores being the right thing)
MAYBE it's his outside influences that are somehow "corrupting" him - without him even realising. No conspiracy thoery here - just that he see's others acting/behaving in a certain way and he does the same? These other's could be displaying selfish behaviour because they are single or some other reason. This then rubs off on your hubby and he acts the same.
How about gently arranging more couple time, go for walks as the weather gets better, if you drive then take a drive, soon make it a weekend away then gradually a holiday (NOT TO PK - that's not a holiday!)
By doing this you're building your relationship and he'lll Insha Allah realise that the most important person in his life is you - not his friends.
Having my mum live with me will makeno difference what so ever. He will have to do his fake act and it will be a lot more trouble for me. I'm saying this because I have lived with my parents and he was a lot worse.
Telling him that I have my parents involved will only make him become really aggressive as he does.
wannabe mum i really don't think he has that much outside influence. I have noticed he is really secretive with his friends. Actually he does lie about how he is here. Tells them he got a job here and where he is living etc. A lot of his friends are doing really well and he's not.
I have notied his friends tend to be those typical pakistani guys with very male chauvinitic altitudes. So much that i have been tempted to make a comment.
As you say when you try to ask him anything, he gets aggressive etc. why don’t you write a detailed letter writing all these things you have written in this thread? Maybe seeing it all written down would make him realize or even think he could be wrong in some of his actions as currently he thinks he is right!
and yeah, you should talk to your parents, get someone involved so if something happens later on, you can’t be blamed esp by your own family as they might tend to do so due to pressure etc.
my prayers are with you inshAllah where r u from in UK?
Talking to him is teh best solution just scared of his reactions. I have never shouted at him or had slanging matches. He has appreciated that as well as he is ver temperamental.
It does have a lot to do with how he has been bought up. His mum is treated like a doormat so i can see where it comes from. Also the pakistani culture of ensuring wife stays under the thumb its there. Its quite prominant that he has been bought up with that mentality around him. Such as keeping tabs on my money, women alwayz want 'azadi', assumes that i hate cooking etc.
There is a good side to him but living on a day to day basis with him its difficult to see it.
Its hard as well because he is a very selfish character, temeperamental, think no manners are needed to speak to him wife and more importanlt the biggest probably being insecure.
Another reason is influence from his parents, especially his dad. I don't want to get into that but sometimes u can see it.
I'm so paranoid i see things so negatively. I really need to sit down with him or best write a letter and see what he has to say.
My dear sister. Please , Please and again please handle this matter delicately. Just do not write a letter and expect the results more needs to be done. There has to be involvement of your parents. Yes your paranoia is well founded because of his emotional outburst so that is more the reason to be delicate about handling all this. While he gets and reads the letter , you should be out of the picture at your parents house and he should know from the letter that he can go to your home and talk to you and your parents and that will not in any way decrease his stature he will get the same respect and care as he has been getting. But your letter should not be diplomatic it has to be very blunt and open.
people like him NEVER change..saying this from experience..and yes life does become hell. You can NEVER change a person. You are still young look out for your hapiness and peace of mind. Talk to your parents openly..and then let them help you. Time changes nothing.
where r u from in UK?