You would be posting this question if you were having fun being single, so lets talk about bringing someone from Pakistan. It might not be the worst idea depending on your parents social circle back home(I’m assuming they’ll be the ones scoping out rishtas for you). You don’t want someone super-smart but don’t get someone super-paindo either, someone who might be completely out of touch with the realities of living out here in Amreeka. Can your folks help you meet women(back home) who have a decent education at least? If the answer is no then do you any other way of meeting them. If the answer is no again then Pakistan might not be the best place for you. The bahu might make mom happy but would most probably make you miserable. That aside, you talk to them, figure out if you wanna take a chance with them(it’s always a gamble no matter where they are from) and go from there.
I’m not saying there’s something wrong with women over here(I have no way of knowing that) but it might be easier finding the kind of woman you need back home. And I agree with the poster on here who said your parents are probably not as chill as you think they are. Your mom will be the boss if she’s living with you no matter who pays the mortgage, that’s just the way it is in Pakistani households. You need someone who’ll have the patience to deal with her and you’ll have to grow some balls also. And don’t listen to the, “don’t get married” BS. You find a girl and get married, if that’s what you wanna do and you think you’re ready for the responsibility.
One more thing about bringing someone from back home. She’s probably gonna be bored as f over here. So you’ll have to figure out a plan to keep her from getting bored. You could knock her up right away and she’d be busy with a kid in no time. Or send her to grad school(if she wants to). Or help her find a job. Things you won’t have to worry about if you marry a women over here since she’ll probably have her **** together already.
Don’t know we have any social circle in Pak. No one lives there anymore, all my family, even most of extended one is here now. But I guess my mom could ring some aunties up.
The biggest issue I have with bringing someone from Pak is teaching them everything from scratch. Its pretty much a cultural shock and I won’t know how she would take it. And the whole visa process takes what .. like 2-3 years? And then bring them here, help them get a drivers license, get them up to pace on whats going on, how life functions here … I gotta do all that before she pops a kid. I don’t want my kid to be lost as to wtf is going on. Also, pakistani education doesn’t really mean much here. Even if they are doctor there, when they come, they are just High school pass with few college credits. And I have seen some girls and guys who come from pak, just get in the habit of sleeping and eating. They don’t wanna work, thet don’t wanna do anything. They become complacent and lazy which I can’t tolerate.
My mom actually wants me to marry someone from here. She doesn’t want to get someone from pak ideally. But will see.
Just a side note, everyone talking about noises and all. I know even average houses are cramped up and don’t have concrete walls but they are not paper thin walls either. You guys are either doing too much kinky stuff in bed or what ! lol
As long as you make sure bed is not squeaky you are fine, unless you are into dungeon type stuff where yea, you will hear ‘noises’ lol
Good point! I really liked the idea of slowly and gradually mentally preparing her. The issue is I don’t live with her, havent lived with her for past 4 years since I am in student housing.
Haha and my mom didn’t live with in laws, they died before she married. Thats why I can’t stand hypocrisy lol
I think I could talk her into living separately for first few years until I can upgrade into a bigger house with an in-law suite lol
I guess it’s different from me. I came here after my undergrad so I have some idea of the challenges my Pakistani spouse might have to face. I can tell them my story letting them decide if this is something they wanna get themselves into. The culture shock ain’t that bad for people who went to the more expensive schools in big cities like Karachi. I don’t think the visa process takes that long. I don’t think it takes longer than an year unless something goes terribly wrong. Don’t quote me on that though. Getting her a driver’s licence might take some time, especially if she doesn’t know how to drive at all. As for teaching her how life functions here and all, it shouldn’t be that complicated. Besides, it’s not like you have to give her a crash course and leave her on her own after that. She can learn along the way. Pakistani education not meaning much here isn’t entirely true. It’s more of a gamble for doctors than most other professions. I got my 4 year college degree from an accredited engineering school. The degree didn’t help much in the job market but it was good enough to get me into grad school. So someone with a 4 year college degree is looking at 2 more years of school(at least).
Them getting complacent might happen if they come here without any kind of a plan. You gotta ask them what they wanna do once they get here. She’s probably not gotta do much if she’s been sitting home ever since she got done with college 2 years ago. If she didn’t get a job there she sure as hell ain’t gonna get one here. All that said, the more ambitious she is the less likely she is to live in a joint family.
Marrying someone here would be easier but if things don’t work out over here, there’s always Pakistan.
Besides, people still do it once they have kids. Right? At least, the grown ups know what’s going on. Having to explain that stuff to kids is a lot more awkward.
I still fail to understand why desi parents think it’s okay to emotionally blackmail their kids. I’m curious.. when they say ‘‘sons are supposed to take care’’ of parents, isn’t it usually the son’s wife who ends up taking care of the in-laws? Besides.. why do parents need someone to take care of them 24/7 when they are healthy, financially stable and able to live on their own?
Our home is like Red’s home all the kids hang here. Even though my 18 yr old has moved his friends still come to hang at our place and we get to see interesting stuff.
Could you please think of a way to buy a house where your parents live a mile away or a few houses down? Or buy a house where there are two kitchens and two washer/dryers so your parents have their own space and there are a couple rooms between the two bedrooms. There does not have to be so many chances of potential friction.
Even for a girl from Pak, it will be a very difficult situation of living with the in laws for the rest of their lives. No matter how sweet the relationship, people will always want some privacy and when two couples live under one roof, with one kitchen and one living room, one washer/dryer, it can be super difficult to have a good relationship with the laws with the older couple already set in their ways so most likely the mother in law will want certain things her way. If you find a girl that was raised here and you two click and find some compatibility, then that’s important. As long as she respects and cares for your parents, why is it so important that you all live in one house?
Pisiform, are you not worried about history repeating itself and your own wife becoming unhappy too? You’ve already implied you’re willing to sacrifice your own happiness to keep your mum happy, do you think your wife is going to enjoy a marriage like that? Do you not think your own son may end up following in your footsteps too and is that what you want for your kids?
Marriage does not affect only you, you’ll have a family to think about and you’ve also said you think your parents being involved in your marriage may spoil that too.. If you do go down this route I expect your wife could well end up the same as your mother, out of frustration..
Your mother has rights but what Paheli was getting at was there should be boundaries.. Her happiness should not depend on you..
Well, thanks for all the advice everyone. I will just be stepping back from all this and will see/revisit later 4 years down the line what happens. It kinda sucks too forcing yourself to talk to girls or messaging them regarding marriage.
I will just take my time to enjoy the moonies I will be making. I got back in touch with the Sikh girl - non-commitment of course and she is on the same page. Will just have fun and then revisit few years down the line if I still wanted to marry or just enjoy life.
