I went thru a lifetime of that, I looked after my mother, my sisters and my mom heartily abused my wife. They tried their darndest to get us divorced with absolutely no regard for destroying my children’s life in doing so. They talked against us in the community and we stopped meeting desis completely and after doing all the work and sacrifices I was still considered the rotten apple I had told my wife that she doesn’t have to put up with this but she said she wants to take care of my mother. Unless you are willing to have every breath you take controlled run away…as fast as you can. No matter what you do will never be enough. What your family is doing is very typical, that is how desi parents exercise control.
Don’t marry for a few years, get to know yourself and experience life, date, meet girls, party, have fun. Believe me you won’t die alone. No faith or morality prevents your sisters to take care of your mom. You should know that here daughters mostly are caregivers for parents.
Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. I encourage my boys to date really early so they can discover themselves. You will meet tons of girls in your profession. As a parent I have lived my life, I will pay a price or collect benefits of my actions. Why should I snatch my children’s happiness?
Exactly! Way too weird. I have heard horror stories about MILs asking intimate details from bahus when they live under the same roof. Of course not everyone is like that but still that is just a new level of creepy. Why not just live nearby so you can visit often? Especially in the beginning of a relationship.
Reality includes diversity. Vast majority of my maternal and paternal relatives are in Pakistan and most of my cousins…are good wives. The ones that are housewives live with in-laws and take care of their children and household responsibilities…including the ones that are financially well-off. Even the ones that work or worked in the past also live with in-laws and take care of the home. One of my cousins grew up in Lahore, had a privileged upbringing…with maids, chef, …she then moved to the middle east after marriage (where I used to live) and at that time there wasn’t much of a trend for Desis to keep maids. But she would do the cooking, the ironing, even cleaning the bathroom lol …all things she didn’t have to bother with when living in Lahore. And she admitted that it was tougher, but she did it. It also depends on a girl’s personality and her priorities. You can find girls with nakhray in the US as well, lol. I know several girls who grew up here and live with in-laws. My own sister is married and visits her in-laws every week and is not against living with them in the future because she has a good relationship with them. My sis is a doctor and takes care of her home and baby along with her husband; they make a good team MashaAllah. Discuss your priorities with the girls and keep searching; you’ll find her inshaAllah.
Ok so my thoughts/advice for your situation is that you should try and find someone you’re compatible with in the states before heading to Pakistan. Even though I’m no where near the whole “rishta” phase (atleast I hope I’m not) I have seen many people get set up in North America to girls from Pakistan. The trend that I saw was that the girls from Pakistan whether they be poor and rich take a REALLY long time to adjust to the culture in North America and they also usually have no relatives living here. Therefore, it puts a strain on their relationship with in-laws and husband. Men and women who grow up in similar environments are more likely to relate to one another on an emotional and intellectual stage. The whole thing about you not wanting to leave your parents because you’re an only son is totally understandable especially in our community. Believe it or not there are girls out there who don’t mind living with their in-laws as long as they are understanding and treat them like their daughter. Personally, I’ve grown up in a fairly large family and the thought of moving in with a guy and living with only one person scares the heck out of me. LOL sorry kinda went on a rant here. Ok so overall my suggestion would be to find a girl (through mutual friends, family friends, uni/college) who understands where you’re coming. But like don’t scare her off by saying something along the lines of “yeah so you’ll have to live and take care of my parents for the rest of your life” take it a little easy and explain to her how you you guys will most likely have to stay with your parents due to financial/emotional reasons and if conflicts arise we’ll figure things out and find a solution that works for us. I wish you all the best, hope I helped a little
All the girls I spoke to here, I specifically told them that they don’t have to take of my parents. Heck, if they don’t wanna leave the bed and say salam, no need. I will hire someone if they needed to be taken care of. But nope, they didn’t like the idea. I will keep looking here and start the process of looking thete
I don’t think it’s about having to “take care” of someone. It’s the idea that they can never be 100% comfortable/relaxed ever in their own home.
I still don’t understand why your parents have to be under the same roof with you 100% of the time. My in-laws are getting older and last year, they bought a house 2 blocks from my BIL. They see BIL/SIL/grandchild several times a week for lunch/dinner/hang-out etc. for everyone has their own space. Why can’t your parents live in a separate apartment or house near you? Also, they’re currently living with your sister. So why can’t they split their time between you and your sister?
Well my parents are overall pretty chill. Totally independent from my POV, my mom cooks, cleans does everything, my dad fixes things around the house. But when I discussed the issue she became a super drama queen as usual like a typical desi (sorry mom). She is living with my sis right now. Mom hasn’t bought a house yet, and I keep asking when she will buy and she says she will stay with me lol. I am like I really don’t know where I will stick around but she doesn’t listen. She says she will go wherever I will end up having a job lol. Thats why I am highly considering locum jobs in the future hahah
I am not in favor of living in regular houses with parents if you are married since average houses have rooms close together and wood transmits sound lol. And big houses like my sisters (those with huge driveway and a staircase and spread out rooms) cost a lot of money which I won’t see until 8 years down the line. Also, I can’t afford to buy 2 small houses either one for me and one for my parents anytime soon. I don’t think my parents will buy a house for themselves from their money.
So my either choice would be to wait like 10 years until I can afford 2 small houses or 1 big house; or marry and have my parents live with me in small house until I can upgrade.
I have a feeling, if I stay single and move around for job, my parent will continue to live with my sister. the moment I marry or buy a house permanently, they would move in
My parents don’t wanna live with my sister long term since ‘sons are supposed to take care’ … I am like wtf.
Its a very delicate situation. I love my parents no doubt but this just bothers me. I don’t want to make them sad at the same time. They are in 60s, at best they have 25 more years to live? I kinda feel bad since they did a lot for me specially my mom. But I don’t wanna marry someone and ruin her dreams too. I don’t wanna ruin my dreams too but if my dream dies, I can live with it.
Hypocrisy is my another sister just moved out of her own joint family house to a separate house lmao. Gosh, I wish I was born a Hippie!
Based on what you wrote here, I seriously think you should NOT get married right now (or anytime soon). Unless you find a girl who is willing to let your mother be in control of the entire household and the girl’s life, do not get married. It’s great that your mom cooks and cleans but what if your wife wants to do all the cooking in the house? Will your mother be ok with giving up control of the kitchen?
Your parents are NOT chill. Well, they are “chill” as long as they get to do what they want and things happen the way they think should happen. Do not mislead a girl by saying that she doesn’t have to take care of your parents and can stay in her bedroom for as long as she likes. Your parents don’t want to live with your sister because of their cultural belief. Well, I’m sure your parents (especially your mother) has certain cultural expectations from a bahu. If your mother’s expectations are not met, she will be upset.
You are obviously not capable of standing up to your parents. If your wife complains to you and you try to discuss it with your mother, she will become a “super drama queen”. Your mother has already proven to you that she does not handle conflict like a rational adult and expects HER wishes to always be #1](http://gupshup.org/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) . So anytime there is a conflict between your mother and your wife, who will be at the losing end?
Nothing wrong with loving your parents and wanting the best for them. But you need to take time and really re-evaluate everything including your own priorities. And if you do choose to get married, PLEASE be honest with the girl about how your parents are.
I think Pakistan is a bit more patriarchal and husbands seem to enjoy an upper hand in the power dynamics but I see more Indian women springing up to take fast paced demanding jobs and are quick to drive and take kids around etc. Recently the young Indian professionals I am dealing with the boyz are really good cooks. The few Pakistanis I dealt with the females aren’t working and totally lacked social skills.
Wow lol, take a step back. I don’t even have a wife yet and you are telling me to stand up to my parents?? lol for what? I am not the one to go for pre-emptive fights lol. If I wanted to throw my parents to street I wouldn’t have posted the question. I need a rational solution, not like don’t get married at all or screw over parents. Your comments are pretty incite-ful in the if said to a irrational person
Why would your parents be on the streets? They’re currently living with your sister. You didn’t say anything about your sister throwing your parents out of her house. Based on what you wrote…it seems your parents are CHOOSING to leave your sister’s home and insisting that they will stay with you full-time ONLY because your’e the son.
You wrote that you do not think that your parents will spend their own money to buy a house near you so you will have to spend money to buy them a separate house (money that you do not have). This tells me that your parents are financially stable and if they wanted to, they could afford to get a apartment or home near you. In fact, you wrote that when your ask your mother when she will buy a house, she responds saying she will stay with you.
Your parents are not disabled, your sister is not kicking them out of her house, and nothing you have said indicates that they cannot afford to buy a separate home/rent apartment near you. Yet here you are…already with the mindset that they will live with you even though this is not what you want. In your mind, you saying “no” means they’re being kicked out on the street. This is what I mean by you standing up to them. It’s not about fighting or screw over anyone. It’s about responding to your mother by saying “No seriously mom, when will you buy your own home” when she ignores your initial question and says she will live with you.
Am assuming from your post and on the desi guys here who had similar mums
Would be better then from Pak
As likely the girl will be laid back and your mum can still be in control and living with you
But likely living few years together then moving out later but it all depends on the girl
Girls back are used to living together and moving out and living on own would be a hassle as then will have to do all the chores if not would be boring as there won’t be much socialization without the MIL in a new country compared to where they are coming from
Honestly, all the girls I’ve seen living away from in-laws only moved out because of the in-laws. If your parents are going to meddle it doesn’t matter if you get a dumb, deaf, blind girl who is 100% into joint family living. If her living situation is unbearable she will move out. You’re already unable to sway your parents from their preconceived notions. When you marry you will be the one doing the middle man haggling and if you can’t compromise now then good luck for the future. You need to know what you want and you need to align your parents according to your views. Set your boundaries first before getting married. It will only be to your advantage.
Even if everyone got along well there is still a need for privacy, you can’t shake the walls of the villa with parents sleeping in an adjacent bedroom. If he does the joint family thing the home should be built with that in mind, the bedroom should have stiffer floor joists and sound insulation. My SIL used to come stay with us and make a racket all night long because she has to do tahujjud, fajr etc and she would bang doors all night long. Then she would sleep till 1 pm whereas we have to get going at 6 am.
Its difficult in a apartment but in two-floor home or the one with basements, there is no such disturbance normally. Especially if its basement. And if we talk about houses in remote suburbs or in south like Texas etc, there is no way there can be any privacy issues
As long as there are bedrooms on different levels, I still recommend building your own with stiffer joists and sound insulations. In ordinary homes if someone is walking on the floor above or using the bathroom you can hear the stuff. We have a large home and new years eve when the 18 yr old snuck his gf in his room we pretended we didn’t hear anything. I would recommend an inlaw suite in a walkout basement with kitchen n all.
Yes, Basements aren’t perfect. They are certainly better but they aren’t perfect. You can still hear conversation through the ventilation system. The concrete sure decreases sound but sound will still travel.
That being said, I really think/suggest you have a serious discussion with your mom about what you want, whats available and what she can handle. Cause a compromise is there somewhere in the middle.
As long as you are straight forward with your mom and your potential wife (even if she’s from pakistan or india) you should be fine. Its all about managing expectations.
What are your mom’s expectations of your living situation and what is your Wifes expectation of your living situation.
Islamically you have more of a right to protect your wife from your mom, so always keep that in mind. Similarly use empathy and Islam to make your mom understand that you have a responsibility towards her but you have more of a responsibility towards your wife. And she needs to make it easier for you to accomplish this.
I don’t know how your mom was raised, but did she have to live with in-laws? if she didn’t than the argument just became somewhat easier.
Eventually down the line, (set a specific number…5 or 10 years) your wife should know that parents will eventually be near or living jointly.
But I think, at least for the first year or 2 of marriage, couples should be living independently, whether it be a basement scenario or apartment/condo.
I’m in a similar scenario as you, I have luckily found someone in usa/can that is wiling to live jointly for a couple of years, and understands that I am an only son as well. I just have to put a ring on her soon.
I have been working on my mom for a legit year and half and try to get her to realize and she is eventually coming along. I’m turning 30, so you better start working on your mom now. Fights are going to happen for sure, but if you can’t fight with your parents who you gona fight with …def not Soulja boy…he whack.
