Maid or a Good wife!

Lifestyle Relationships
81

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

I do agree with you PCG... I do honestly believe and been thru that situation as well where the guy wants a good cook more so than a good educated wife. That's just pathetic. Its sad. But I don't think I agree that TS was talking about "those" kind of people. He was talking in general about a girl (his daughter in that thread) nice, educated, good career but doesn't know how to cook. He did mention that she has no interest either and can't cook at all. What I found weird was people in that thread saying that she'll be a maid if she cooks... because oh she is so educated and blah blah.. Good, awesome, wonderful.. she is well educated... has a career but if she does cook.. she is not a maid.

82

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

I'd have to dig up my comments in there again, but I was referring to the possibility of her learning to cook solely to satisfy demands of THOSE sorts of families who are just interested in looking for a personal cook at home. If he's trying to pitch her to those sorts of demands, then he is looking to create a cook basically. Then all that education and upbringing was wasted, because clearly he is implying there are families that are looking for the cooking bit as a priority.

Cooking can be learned. It can be shared as a task with OTHER people in the household. No rule that only DIL makes all the food and no one else in a household. Or at least there should be no such rule, and if there is, you really need to think twice about sending your daughter into that sort of a household when you've invested so much in education and training on her.

Again, depends on the person. Some girls want that lifestyle. They prefer it over going to an office or being a studyholic or workaholic. I know plenty of girls who are totally lazy about ever studying or picking up a book, and they'd rather sit at home and so Sameen Jaleel recipes all day long. That's fine if that's their choice.

But there ARE families who only are interested in - can the girl cook, because from now on SHE will do all the cooking, and I am putting my feet up and getting served. This is common in many families even today. Kudos to families who have grown past this.

Pakistan Plan Seeks Decade-High Growth:Bloomberg
83

just because someone dares to ask a girl if she can cook means thats all they really care about, that its the top priority? its an evil conspiracy to turn her into a slave and her 'upbringing and education is wasted' at the mere mention of such a demeaning question? horror seriously?

let me give you a clue on how it works, since you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. what brings a family to the girl's home in the first place is not her haleem, biryani or pulao making skills, shocking i know. its her upbringing, morals, education and her family background, these are the very basics every family looks for even before approaching anyone. cooking is not on the list of dealbreakers, arranged marriages are approached in a very practical way and yes all grounds are covered including cooking later on because some people do consider it an acquired skill, which matters to some more than others, to each their own. one cannot go around getting hysterical at the mere mention of the word as if it has some derogatory connotations attached and that cooking a healthy home cooked meal for your family will suddenly bring you a notch down in your career.

now if anyone prefers to have a housewife over a career woman or vice versa it is strictly a personal preferrence and a completely different issue, has absolutely nothing to do with evil conspiracies to turn women into lowly cooks to fulfill a slave fantasy.

Imran aur Zardari donon aik hain
84

I would just like to clarify that this post is a generalised one. Directed at any women who are all “career career career, why doesn’t anyone appreciate me for my career? *insult some housewives”. When in actual fact, when it comes down to it they choose to be the homemakers and then whine about the women who look down their noses at them (as they used to do). What comes around goes around.

If you PCG (or anyone else), thinks this is directed at them, it says something about them and their thoughts. Not me making “catty remarks”, which I’ll have you know I don’t do; I’m far more explicit unless I’m making a joke.

As for ganging up on you as you mentioned in your post:
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-relationships/391721-maid-good-wife-4.html#post7120722

I really don’t see where anyone is doing this. After having a debate with njgal for a few posts, I made the above generalised post and you commented calling someone an “obsessed housewife”:
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-relationships/391721-maid-good-wife-3.html#post7118408

Since I’m not a housewife and I believe CB currently is, she thought you were referring to her and answered you back.

So any feeling of ‘ganging up’ was bought on by yourself entirely. I’m sure if you read things slowly and thought about them for a minute, you wouldn’t jump to such conclusions.

I hope that’s cleared things up for you, so please stop asking me to pm you about my imaginary ‘problem’ with you.

85

I totally agree with you, your not a maid if you cook and clean for your husband and family, but in our culture especially in the rishta process if you do not know how to cook and clean then you are looked down upon, people say "itni bhari ho gaye hai aur abhi khana pakana nahi aata". Obviously if your married and doing everything because u want to but when people rate you based on these skills then it does make you think and these questions do come into your head.

Like for myself, i am not married, i know how to cook but other then that i have many other qualities and achivements, when we get a rishta the first thing they ask is "kahana pakan aaata hai" i mean helloooo what about the rest of the things i am capable of doing.

or like when women say "beta shadi karlo, biwi aay gi aur khana pakay gi, kapray istari kari gi, etc etc etc" after hearing this why shouldnt that question arise???? Anyway i dont think cooking should be a big deal, Take aways zindabaad lol

86

Yeah, I don’t buy that tripe. You have in various other posts in other threads targeted me specifically, and as I am the only one really in this thread that is standing in opposition to your claims, that comment really could be for me and only me. The rest of the ladies here are talking about how wonderful their experience has been cooking for their husbands.

This is a no brainer. :slight_smile:

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I want a slave :(

88

:):)

Actually, if you go back you will see that you are in opposition to CB. You didn't even come close to referring to any of my posts, since I was busy debating with njgal on a slightly deviated topic. :)

89

let me help you dig… :slight_smile:

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-relationships/391565-what-would-happen-when.html#post7116452

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-relationships/391565-what-would-happen-when.html#post7116458

don’t think thats what you were saying. you seem to be downplaying a woman’s efforts in running a home, deeming it inconsequential, something that does not “require any intelliegence”. that I believe was what this thread was about, the way people downplay the role of a homemaker with condescending remarks.

Indian 'Gold Man' beaten to death
90

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

It doesn't require any intelligence. Any matrix fail chic can do it.

91

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

^ and that attitude and the pigeonholing concept behind it was what was being discussed in the thread. :)

92

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

Yeah that still doesn't justify anything.

And no, I don't take anything back.

At any rate, don't even get involved. You Pakistani men want nothing more than a woman's place to be by the stove anyway, so it's not like you bring any dimension to the argument.

93

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

I wasn’t expecting you to take anything back, anyone who disagrees with you is either a metirc pass obsessed housewife or a chained-wife-to-the-stove mentality man :hehe: I was just injecting a little perspective here, since you thought this was all about you, an all out attack or something, it was the mentality in question not you.

94

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

who wants their woman's place to be a stove ... iw anna meet those pakistani men ... cuz i personally haven't met one of that kind

95

Hi

I wish to clarify my thread which somehow closely linked to current debate.

May be i am from old schools, I prefer doing it combination of old ways where couple contribute towards good family at my house i am the bread earner and my wife plays perfect role of home maker.

Due to pressure from modern lifestyle we have forced our girls to be ready for professional life, in the process they are losing some home making skills and attitude towards it (which we used to take for granted).

May be the husband going through and facing pressure of modern lifestyle have better understanding, the biggest problem come from expectation from In laws who still expecting old style of DIL.

I am sure there are many others have faced this, and the main reason of the tread for me was to let the others to share there experience so others could learn things or two about balancing this aspect of life.

On the debate on the current thread** I would be very happy and proud if my daughters could emulate Spiral for love and duty to care of husband**

I have nothing against PCG, she is always have interesting take on issues, she might be correct that one need not a Master degree to doing cooking, but again aspiration of modern generation are different.

Ability to provide a good care of husband is an important for long term family life, but compatibility is most important factor today. That is where education, real life experience earned through career helps.

Are we being hypocrite to honor killing situation? [Spinoff from Qandeel b. thread]
96

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

TipuSultan, who ever made the rule that all housework is to be done by the housewife?

It's not in Islam. It's a cultural remnant of a patriarchial society, and as Islam doesn't advocae for patriarchial or matriarchial but rather is fairly egalitarian, it is no suprise that Islam advocates men to help their women out at home.

Maybe you might not realize it, but housework is a lot of LABOR work. It doesn't require any intelligence really, unless you're inventing new recipes and really into your cooking (in which case you can go to cooking school or formally learn new recipes and how to do mixing of flavors, etc).

So why is it fair that now your daughter will study and work, and at the same time be expected to do all the housework by the susral?

There are families that just are not expecting this anymore, and rather have an approach where EVERYBODY pitches in with cooking and cleaning. Look for those sorts of families for your daughter. It is totally not a DUTY at all, and I can guarantee you if you got off your behind from GS and helped out in the kitchen with your wife, your wife would greatly apprecaite it and you'd probably be more useful than you are griping about your rishtaa woes in life1.

97

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

And I don't buy the whole "oh he's tired, so let me cook for him" crap, especially if the wife is working! You work too as a woman, so what is the harm for some exchange help around the house? Is it not then his duty to make sure you are relaxed and happy too?

It's a two way road, not a one way road. You do not feed into your husband so that he can progress only. It works the other way around as well.

As a working woman myself, I would not want someone who wants to be waited on hand and foot and cannot do basic things for himself. It is one thing to make a batch of biryani for the week, it is another to massage his feet every day and make him chai which he darn well can make for himself and do every other little thing for him at home too. That's a naukar. Not a partner.

A partnership is where both help each other. Not one doing everything for the other person.

I'm sure if its a case where the husband works and wife doesn't, it makes more sense for her to do more of the housework. But if both are working, it makes NO sense for the woman to bust her butt at work where she gets the same work a guy gets, and then come home and do all the housework for herself and her entire susraal as well.

You think those families don't exist, you are living in a fantasy. There are joint family sysems where they expect he DIL to do EVERYTHING. Just know what you're signing up for. If you're ok doing all that labor work, then go ahead. But it doesn't make sense when you've been educated as an engineer. Then why did you even put her through schooling if that was going to be her fate?

98

Dear PCG

I may have a bit of Islamic knowledge, at one part it is true that Islam does not force women to household work and sole responsibility of providing given to man, on other part Islam also encourage women to do her best to take up house hold responsibilities.

I agree that it is not easy for a lady to handle both, and I also agree with you that so called LABOR work does not need any intellect, but today young couples aspires compatibility more then anything for that education and other exposure is more important.

I would rather my daughter contribute whatever possible in susral rather then hiding behind oh i am working so could not do anything (off course others need to chip in as well).

But when come to starting family, she need to scarify (if needed) her career for children, thus become full time house wife thus taking up full responsibility of so called LABOR job as well.

99

You are right when you say this on base of cold logic.

But dear PCG I think you never fall in love, it is love which dictate someone to go extra miles.

When Spiral express loves for her husband, forgetting her own pains trying to give her best for him. It is not stupid, she is not becoming maid but it is expression of pure love, and i am sure the husband understand and appreciated that as well.

Whether you buy it not but i would certainly appreciate and proud of my daughter if she has that kind of love and care towards her hubby.

100

Re: Maid or a Good wife!

You would want your daughter to give up the career she worked so hard for so she can sit at home and take care of kids? Really?

Ridiculous.