Looking for sincere advice to save my family

Lifestyle Relationships
21

If the kids are with you and she is there just wait and see. Soon her motherly instincts will kick in and she will demand from her parents to send her to you ( her home). Also your in laws will not be able to keep her with them for long.
Assuming that you and your family never abused and mistreated her. Also assuming that she has no body else in her life.

22

Assalam alaikum:

Your problems can be solved it is a matter of attitude

Bhai Sahib.........

simply change your attitude...

right now it is very negative towards the "Mother" of your children.

You Said: "To be honest I don’t have any value remain for my wife.".

saying negative things about the Mother of your Children

the children who you cannot live without!

My friend you need a Major attitude adjustment!

Insha Allah the fasting during the Holy Month of Ramadan will give you some clear thinking

an adjustment in your priorities..........

Do not listen to others...........they do not count!

Yes your Wife and children is what counts!

remember that!

The sentence above that I underligned.............

when you realize is very wrong attitude

is when you can start your relationship again!

we are all praying for you!

Time Pass ... Jan 2@14
23

I think that both your attitude and ego and your wife's reliance on her parents are both to blame here. You consistently say that you feel fine after a fight and that you have done nothing wrong, but it takes two. Sometimes in marriage even if we feel that we are justified in our opinions it is necessary to apologize and find a middle ground.

You threatened to take away her children if she returns, so why are you surprised that she hasn't? No mother in her right mind would willingly walk into a situation where she thinks that she may lose her children. She must believe that you are just trying to lure her back here so that you can take the kids.

You both need to take a step back, stop listening to your parents, and make a concerted effort to discuss your problems. I am surprised that you haven't seen fit to go to Pakistan in all of this time in order to talk to your wife in person. What is holding you back?

24

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

someone alone u still havn't disclosed wat the issues were. rn't u acting like an ostrich here saying there were no issue n just ur inlaws ruining ur house. i'll tell u one thing straight its very easy to put blames on someone or anyone. parents wo bhi a girl's parents do not take such measures unless its something real deep. Also if ur wife truly loves you ppl cannot hold her back for long . She must b saying things to her family that they took seriously. n ur not going n meeting them also shows u don't really value her just being selfish abt ur kids. pyaar ho tu shoher khud chal ker chala jata hai mananay but if someones acts stubborn n just expects from others things never get right.

i know a family friend here where husband's side kept saying koi khass baat nahin thee bus wo kisi ki izzat nahi kerti thee aur ab pak ja ker baith gayee hai. sub ne saas se lay ker shoher tak hazaar mintain ki wo wapis nahin ati. the girl's side said he hit her in anger n used talaq word. she said us ne mujhay talaq dai de hai but they kept saying wo wapis nahin ati. they also had two kids. she never came back. now both r remarried. aik side apni ghalti nahin batati sirf dosray ki batati hai. they also said lame thing k larki ki behaan us ka dimagh kharab ker rehi hai aur us ka gher kharab ker rehi hai.

25

Seems like a complicated situation.

It seems that your relationship with your wife has broken down and you are only trying to get the kids back, and unfortunately for you the kids come with the mother.

The only way to resolve the situation is to go to your FIL's house and to discuss the issue with your wife and her parents. They will want to be convinced for the sake of their daughter that you will change and their daughter will be happy presumably, before they let her come back. However this interaction should be a two way process where you should also highlight the shortcomings of your wife andask her to mend her ways as well.

Hopefully if everyone approaches the situation with an open mind and is prepared to change and compromise then it should be able for you to get back together again.

My concern is that you have lost confidence in your wife and it can be very difficult to rebuild it again. I can see that you love your children and want to get together for their sake, but it might be difficult for you to rebuild your relationship with your wife (given your existing frame of mind) and in that case it would be better to bite the bullet and to start your life afresh rather than to have wasted a few years only to be back to this same situation in the future. Instead of focusing on the children you need to focus on your relationship with your wife and whether you can make it work.

Time Pass ... Jan 2@14
26

I agree with everyone else here, you need to start respecting your wife. Go to Pakistan and solve the problem.
I think you need to be a man and start taking your own decisions, instead of running to your mothers lap and hiding like a boy. Im sorry but you sound like my ex husband, he needed to grow a spine as well, but he kept hiding behind his parents like a 5 yr old.
If you want to save your family then you have to take actions instead of asking your wife to take action.
And like others here have said, there must have been something serious that your wife has left and doesnt want to go back. If you could accept and share your mistakes and problems here, we would be able to help further.

27

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

yeah ,there will be my mistake as well which i have realize but there were some reason behind them as well..

what was my part in the fight was that i told her that your upbringing is not good ,you are not responsible, your parents didn’t tell you to respect your hubby and take care of him..

My mother went to airport when she was returning to come to home but she didn’t ,My parents went to her home to bring her but she didn't. at that time her parents are saying we will take care of her..

now its different scenario, they are saying me to come to Pakistan

There are many reason that i didn’t go to her home to bring her. She gone with her will, not answering any compromise effort.

The reason why i am thinking to go there is that ..may be taking this step will solve the issue , the other option that I have might not give me sakoon (2nd marriage/child custody) as well..if her ego is not dropping ,Allah is looking my intention
I am praying to My Allah , give me support so I can save my family and give patience ,peace, love to me, my wife and our parents & all who is suffering in their married life ..

You people also keep remember in your prays..

Thanks for all the good advices

zara sa hat kay chalta hoon zamanay ki rivayat say
28

With great excuse , I would like you to reply to yourself these questions and consider with full concentration the following situations.

  1. The relationship among you people breaks up (divorce happens) , you are
    now a person who has divorced his wife.
    Your Wife would a divorced person.
    Your children will be kids of separated couple , whose mother may in
    Pakistan and Father will be in other country.
    Some time they will be missing thier Mother/Father other time their

    grandparants.

  2. It wouldnot be that simple , that you will be getting your Kids , you will have trial for it , just think when you will having in hands those papers/files in your hands , which you will be always hiding from your friends/acquantants , just consider that situation.

  3. Suppose that you got your children and you are looking for other person to marry you.
    what will/should be her questions regarding you ?
    a person who divorced his wife , have two children , the wife-to-be will have to take care of those kids too and you can add more to it.

  4. Suppose that you got married to new girle , let she be more beautifull, intelligent and so on.
    What do you think , You will give her that love she deserves?
    what your subconscience will be questioning you always or how will your subscience satisfying you ?

  5. The list goes very long , I just tried to hint some.

I think GS members have given very sincere suggestions to you like

 1. How the problem brewed  , understand the core of the issue
 2. Every one except you and your wife is third party ...... never involve it.
 3. Reveiw your Attitude , Negativity reflects from your statements.
 4. what is so important that is forbiding you from going to pakistan 
     to speak to your wife ? , Nothing could be important than your 
     relationship with the Mother of your kids.
 5. Be face-to-face to your wife , speak to her as you were speaking to her 
     since last 3 and half years.

and the Most Important of it all is that

Allah Taa'llah sey maafee Mangoo , Ramdan Key En dino mey.

Hope things goes in your favour.
Our Duas are with you.

29

It is not your parent's business to go and bring your wife home - it is yours. Quite frankly, your parents need to stay out of the whole mess. If you are willing to get your parents out of it, she will be more willing to ask her parents to step back. You mention her ego brother, but what about yours? You are also too proud to go to Pakistan and talk to her.

Why do you think that marriage to another woman is a solution to this problem? Your wife (ex-wife) and children will still be your responsibility. If you are unable to solve the problems in one marriage, what makes you think that another will work out? You really need to go to Pakistan, speak to your wife, and behave like an adult man with a family.

30

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

Your best bet is to get an apartment/house separate from your parents.....and go to pakistan and let her know that you want her back.

31

How can you expect her to respect you and look after you as her Husband if you do not respect her?!! Your statement above indicates that you think yourself better than her (i.e. you believe you had the better upbringing, have the better manners, are the smerter one). I am not surprised she left you.

Put yourself in her shoes for a second. How would you feel if she said to you... "You are a horrible Husband and you come no where near my expectations of a Husband. You don't show you care for me, you don't appreciate or value me, you don't show me affection, tenderness, romance even".. You would be hurt and your immediate response (maybe) would be to reply and say "Fine, leave me and get a better one". She feels that you don't appreciate her (amongst other things) and so she (probably) thinks that if you don't appreciate her, then why should she stay with you..

If you feel she's "lacking" in certain areas then you shouldn't berate her and put her down for it. You should explain to her in a loving manner that "although I appreciate everything you do for me and the kids, I would really like it if you did/didn't do this/that"..

If she feels like you have the potential to make her happy, accept her the way she is, love her for her defects, then she may consider coming back to you. At the moment she feels hurt and angry that you don't appreciate her nor love her for who she is...

Love/Marriage is a compromise; you take the good with the bad and love the whole package!!

You should make arrangements to go to Pak as soon as possible. You should show her you still love her (if you do) and let her know how much you missed her (and not just the kids).. Tell her you want to start from fresh with a clean slate and that we should forget all our previous arguments so that we even have a chance of moving forward. You should let her **talk first and you should be the one to listen first. And I mean **really listen and try your hardest to understand and empathise with her.

You've lost a lot of trust between yourselves and it will take a lot of time and effort from the both of you before you can start moving forward, hopefully together.

Don't set a time limit on your stay in Pakistan. Go indefinantely if you can.. This cannot be resolved in one or two weeks..

Don't talk with the parents. Take her to a park, cafe, restaurant wherever to talk. Initially, just take her out to spend some time with her. Don't talk to her about the problems you are having. If she does, then say politely, "I just want to spend some time with you first, can we please discuss these things later?".

Throughout your visit, you have to put her first, go at her pace and not force her or rush her to make a decision about anything.

If you can, when you get there, explain to her parents that you want to spend some time with the kids and then sort things out in a week or two. And then arrange for your wife to spend some time with you when you are with the kids. Arrange outings to the park, zoo, shopping and ask your wife to come with you.

whatever you do when you are with her, do not criticise her for anything, don't point out her mistakes, don't correct her and don't make her feel any less than you... just accept her 100% as she is, faults and all...

If she can see that you accept her, she may be willing to believe that you could love her, make her happy and have a loving, wonderful and long marriage ahead between the two of you and your children..

Good luck whatever you decide to do.. I really do hope that things get better for you and your wife soon, inshAllah..

P.S: Keep us posted and let us know what happens...

32

I'm not surprised she left.

I am pretty sure you didn't just say this once either. You probably gave her taanay on a regular basis. A huge assumption on my part, BUT, I have good reason to think this. Nobody just picks up and leaves if this is said just once. I am pretty sure you said this repeatedly AND you probably said other stuff too about her personality.

Barfii has given you some sound advice.

You know, when your "husband" says these things to you, it is extremely humiliating, degrading and it breaks you. In these statements, you aren't just insulting her, but you are insulting her parents too.

Have you said this in front of your two kids?

If you can't accept her for who she is, the way she is, then don't even bother going to Pakistan. If you aren't going to drop the superiority attitude, then again, don't bother going. However, if you can **sincerely **drop the attitude, then there is hope. But if you go there and then berate her first opportunity you get, then the door will be closed on you forever.

33

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

as long as he has his ammi's lap, im sure he'll do fine

puhleez...

why do people like such get married?

34

^ um okay sorry, I know no one likes mommy's boys, but everyone loves their mother....that doesn't mean they shouldn't get married....

someone alone, why do men like you think it's okay to degrade your wife like that, and then say that nothing in it was your fault?

You basically insulted and degraded her AND her family by saying those things.I don't care if you've said it once or many times, but I'm sure your attitude must have been similar.

Do you think it's her farz to be insulted by her husband, and to stay in the marriage because of the kids?
To be shown that you don't have 'any value' for her anymore, why would she stay?
I'm sure she must have had enough.
How about if she said those things to you and your family?
And by the way, islamically she has NO duty towards your parents, so please keep that in mind as well the next time you insult her.
And what about the 'upbrining' that you are giving your kids? Showing them that their mother is not important enough for you?
What about your ego?

This issue can only be resolved if you really see what your part in it has been, and try to move forward.
I really hope and pray that you and your wife are able to work through this tough time, but it can only happen if you also have love and respect in your heart for the woman who gave birth to YOUR children.

35

who is saying anything about not loving their mother... i dont think i even stated that

If men want to get married, they should learn to stand up on their own two feet... solve their own problems. Infact, its not just men.... women need to do the same too. As is the case with his wife

Wht r u doing ?
36

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

^ true dat.
but I think in this case, his ego is more of a problem than his mother.

37

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

i think both play a part..... some parents dont allow their kids to grow up and take responsibility. Here is that example (and it goes for both the wife and hubby)

they're both getting their parents to fight hteir battle. They have two kids of their own.... i dont understand

38

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

***She probably left you cuz of your constant whining !

Stop fooling yourself , thinking you have options. She obviously doesn't need you or want you....and it irks you to realize that..........as for your "intentions" , a person who thinks a second marriage is his solution compared to resolving the issue at hand like a " MAN " .........i'd say she is better off without you !

39

well said.

40

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

So far your attitude towards this issue is like "jis tarah gaye hu, usse tarah wapis aa jao, phir baat karain gai", I can be wrong but this is the impression I am getting from your posts. I also sense some class differences between the two families and you exhibited that she or her family were somewhat inferior than yours. Getting back your wife is secondary issue here, your main issue is your ego that how she left you! I can bet good money on it that even if she returns now, this will start all over again in few months.
To make this relationship work you have to let go of your ego and misconecption that she is somewhat inferior than you. She might have some short comings, but taunting is not the solution. You need to get in terms with yourself that you will have to stepdown from your high horse and treat her and her parents with respect. The reason she is not answering or responding to your calls is that she must be terrified of you, after getting threatened that you will take the children away from her. You have to prove to her that children is not the only issue here, and you also want her back to make a family. There is no harm in accpeting your shortcoming in front of your wife it will not make you any lesser of a man.

kuch log mujy apna kaha kerty thy