Looking for sincere advice to save my family

[someone_alone]

I am married having two kids ..wife left my home after some fight between us and not willing to come back .I tried many ways that she come back but she is not..but i didn’t go to in laws home to bring her back..actually I have no problem to go there but she never answer any of my effort
we are living alone outside Pakistan and she left to Pakistan..

Now the fight is no more between me & wife it become between fight between two families..blame game start from both side..

To be honest I don’t have any value remain for my wife..but as a mother of my kids I am ready to accept her..I told to my wife/my in laws that as a result of all this ,the only loser will be my kids…she knows that I love my kids she is trying to black mail me for her sick plans and demand ..

I heard from some common relatives (may be not true) that my father in laws is asking about separate home in Pakistan near in-laws home + cut my ties with my family(parents) + financial support (may be) + asking me to move to Pakistan ,

if I analyze her attitude with me /with my parents I always think that whatever she is doing in all well planned

when I asked my wife/in laws why she is not coming back they say come here and then talk..

Me, My parents are in tension cause of all this. My father is asking me to go to Pakistan and try to solve issue as a last option, he is saying accept what they are asking ,it will save your home.

I don’t know what to do now..whether to go there or not? if i go what should i accept?

hopefully she got agree to comeback and all things got settled, otherwise I don’t where should I go child custody ,2nd marriage
..

there will be many person who are aware to these sort of problem..I am looking for sincere advice ..for me the life of my kids is the most important .

do pray for me at least ..

[dildirani]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

You are a strong person for not wanting to give up.

I think the problems increase ten-fold when other parties get involved. Everyone brings their own agendas into the equation and starts playing the blame again.

Maybe you can start by forgetting everyone else and encouraging your wife to talk to you. Start by talking on the phone and if it makes sense go to Pakistan,sit down and talk to her on a one-to-one basis. Compromise but it has to be from both sides.

[Sehrysh]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Before commenting, I have a recommendation for you. If your wife is trying to take advantage of the situation, do not go to Pakistan with your kids. Leave your children with a caregiver if you go to see her to discuss your relationship. If your wife wants to see the children, offer to pay for her ticket to return. The reason I say this is that your wife/in-laws could potentially try to keep the children in Pakistan to force your hand and complicate child custody/access issues. I would also seek the advice of a lawyer so that your actions are documented for the record. In the event custody becomes an issue, you can bring up your wife's abandonment of the children.

As to your actual issue, I think you owe to to your children to make a sincere effort to understand why your wife acted as she did and see if it is possible to salvage your relationship. You need to look at all of the circumstances that led to where you are - did you have any warning that she was going to leave?

Answer the following questions for yourself: How did you treat your wife? How did your parents/family treat her? Is she a good mother? Has she been a good wife and companion to you? If you look at the situation objectively, it's possible that your wife may have some legitimate grievances that you can make better.

But, if she and her family have self-serving reasons for their actions - which you can assess better - you have to decide - is uprooting your children and shifting to Pakistan in your children's best interest/your best interest (consider their education and future)? What assurances do you have that your wife and in-laws will "sitkay dil se" accept a reconciliation? Can you be happy with yourself if you give in to your wife or will you resent her and ultimately end up where you are now? Do you/can you still love and trust your wife (or make an effort to)?

Based on your answers to these and other questions you have some important decisions to make. Good luck and iA, things will work out for the best - have faith in Allah

[Xenophanez]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

CAn I be a bit blunt here? Obviously she didn't decide one day that she wants to leave and left to Pakistan the same day. It must be brewing from some time. I say don't belive what the "common relatives" are telling you and go to Pakistan and speak to her. Your father-in-law's demands are something your relatives told you of, did your wife ever mention those issues to you?
There must be some underlying issues between you two and you need to address them 1st, I don't agree that you should do just for the kids. An unhappy & contstant stressfull marriage is as bad as a separation for the kids, in some cases it can be worse than a separation.
Remember it takes two to tango. It wouldn't be fair to blame everything on one party, either you or your wife in this case. Stepback and analyse what you could have done differently to avoid this to happen in the 1st place, also take your wife's perspective into consideration and then work out on mutual common grounds. Only then you can come out of this messy situation.

[zayma]

I am married having two kids ..wife left my home after some fight between us and not willing to come back .I tried many ways that she come back but she is not..but i didn’t go to in laws home to bring her back..actually I have no problem to go there but she never answer any of my effort we are living alone outside Pakistan and she left to Pakistan..

Now the fight is no more between me & wife it become between fight between two families..blame game start from both side..

To be honest I don’t have any value remain for my wife..but as a mother of my kids I am ready to accept her..I told to my wife/my in laws that as a result of all this ,the only loser will be my kids...she knows that I love my kids she is trying to black mail me for her sick plans and demand ..

I heard from some common relatives (may be not true) that my father in laws is asking about separate home in Pakistan near in-laws home + cut my ties with my family(parents) + financial support (may be) + asking me to move to Pakistan ,

if I analyze her attitude with me /with my parents I always think that whatever she is doing in all well planned

when I asked my wife/in laws why she is not coming back they say come here and then talk..

Me, My parents are in tension cause of all this. My father is asking me to go to Pakistan and try to solve issue as a last option, he is saying accept what they are asking ,it will save your home.

I don’t know what to do now..whether to go there or not? if i go what should i accept?

hopefully she got agree to comeback and all things got settled, otherwise I don’t where should I go child custody ,2nd marriage ..

there will be many person who are aware to these sort of problem..I am looking for sincere advice ..for me the life of my kids is the most important .

do pray for me at least ..

wat were u fighting over?

[Mehnaz]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

1. You need to put your ego aside.

2. Ask yourself how YOU contributed to the current situation. Like someone said above, your wife didn't just decide one day to up and leave. Something must have been going on (i.e. tension, fighting, etc.) from before.

3. You said, "To be honest I don’t have any value remain for my wife". One thing you need to seriously consider is that there are two children involved. Children, even babies, are extremely sensitive to their surroundings and can sense all the tension around them. If you have no value left for your wife (and perhaps vice versa), your kids will sense this, and if there is any fighting between you two, it will affect them.

[Muzna]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

Nobody can actually offer balanced advice until such time as you share the complete picture with them.

Ultimately if you do not have respect/love/affection in your heart for your wife and if she feels the same way then it it likely that you two find your own ways....

[Reha]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

I do not think you have tried to understand WHY things happened...you're just trying to put a band-aid on right now. Which is normal.

Please try to be objective and really think about what happened and why it happened. Until you do that, there will be no marriage or family. Its pointless to be with someone you're not happy with because kids pick up on that and grow up unhappy as well.

I can see you really love your children...listen to Sehrysh, go to Pakistan to try and resolve all of this. But try and acknowlegde your part in it too...as Xeno said...it takes two to tango.

[sheyn]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

A mother does not give up her kids over a small arguement…there is more to this than your letting on…

It looks like you are still looking at things from one perspective …YOURS !..and of course you could hardly be wrong now could you ? :aq:

Maybe you should STOP letting people into your marriage for starters…and STOP listening to third parties…

this is between you and her and it should remain and be resolved by you and her… You should have gone after her and gotten her to come back home not allow the situation to worsen…

There is nothing that breaks down a marriage faster than allowing others to dictate or become a part of the arguement…what is said or happens between you and your wife should remain between the two of you…neither side parents or relatives should have a part to play in it…

[s_mk]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

^ From what I understand, she took her kids WITH her, unless I'm mistaken ofcourse.

someone alone, What were you guys fighting over? would it be possible to resolve those issues?
I think the best course of action would be to try and talk to her face-to-face.

Maybe she has valid reasons?
But if she really is trying to take advantage to your love for your children, then I'm sorry.
May Allah help you and your family out.

[dhanya_podena]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

Are the kids with you or your wife?

[someone_alone]

Are the kids with you or your wife?

my kids are with my wife,i didn't see them for almost six month..

[someone_alone]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

Actually the last three month when we are together are not that good.. we have some fight ( jes normal huby/wife fight which normally end in two days)..but my wife has the habit to involve her mother in everything..

My MIL said to her and daily she feed my wife for three month that come to Pakistan , we will see...

In those three month i tried to tell her that you will ruin your home ,you will ruin your kids life ,i showed the law related documents to her that my kids will come to me if i go to court ( may be its my mistake, she take this as dhamki ,my intention was to solve issue)..but she insisted that when you will send me back ..she called to my office and asked did you do anythign for the ticket ,wheni reeach home she always asked when i will go?? she is not my slave that by force i keep her with me thats why i send her back with the kids..
again Its not all her mistake which ignite a fight..it will be mine as well ..

she knows that i how much i love to my kids & he is living alone, and her parents+she is trying to incash the situation..

i talked to my wife when her visa is expiring and trying to convince her parents that send her back and whatever you want to talk i can come to Pakistan on 2nd Eid then whatever you want to talk we can sit..but they insisted that you come here and this issue will not solved like this..

I checked with lawyers ,according to him ,mother has more rights for the kids when they are young (7/9 years)..after that father has more rights for custody. but if got married , i will lose that right ..so if she didn’t come back i have to choose one either got married and start a new life and forget the last four years of my life or wait ,kill myself, go to court and then take care of kids as single father..

again in these scenario my kids are the one who lose .. I at 31 age still need my father courage to stand , i still need my mother lap to get relax from all my tension..what will happen to my kids if they come to me or if they stayed there with their mother..

I am earning good, having stable job, but no sakoon.. yeah one thing which I should mention here .. If I see myself ,what I did during fight/after fighting/after she went , I always feel that I did all good things.My Allah knows my heart and my effort.even nothing work in my favour,may be Allah has some other good things for me, may be not here but hereafter for sure..

[Reha]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

May ALlah swt make your mushkil asaan.

Im sorry to hear this...all you can do is try though. Make sure you try your best to win her, she has a heart that is probably hurt for some reason. She wasnt evil when you married her right? What happened?

Try your best to keep your family together, if all else fails...make sure your kids are well taken care of with you or their mother.

[Chameli420]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

I am sorry to read about your situation. May Allah ease things for you.

It seems like she listens a lot to her mother. do you know anyone trustworthy who could talk to her mother and try to change her views? or could you talk to your wife's friend and make her call her in Pakistan and talk about the situation.

I hope and pray that your problems may be solved soon.

[Mabrook]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

6 months is a long time. itni dair main ghussa khatam ho jana chahiay if its normal man/wife issues. ladies normally don't stay from homes on petty issues for this long. baat us se serious hai jitni u r saying. assess wat were the issues only then u'll know how to solve this puzzle. was it coz of ur family that u used to fight. do u live in joint system? y her dad would want a home for her in Pak?
hav u tried talking directly to any of ur inlaws? don't involve third parties. may be u should make a trip to Pak. atleast u'll see ur kids if nothing.

[someone_alone]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

yeah Six month is too long ..i wait for her she might contact ,i don’t want that someone (her parents) forced her to come to me ..i tried for two month then i stopped but those guys never answer any reconciliation efforts neither they start anything jes heard from relatives ..FIL want to separate me from my family ..

in fact we are living separately (outside Pak) where i work ..she came here jes after two month of marriage, she doesn’t have any problem related to home or her needs..yeah i support my family but i have working earning brothers /father as well, ..but it doesn’t mean that i cut my ties with my parents..

when i asked my FIL , you want to ruin your daughter home or your grandchild life he say no asked then send them to me ..he say no we don’t want to send her back and all will say that that was a drama..he want me to come to his home and talk ..

May Allah give Hidayat to them & to me as well..

lets see ,I don’t know what they will demand me ..

[Shak_killS]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

i hope it work out fine at the end. as husband and wife you both has to take control of this situation, dont involve anyone else. but i guess first we all need to know whats the issue the core one then we all can suggest accordingly. whats the reason wife has to take extreme measures? one issue or bunch of small issues can create resentment on both sides.

sure kids should your primary reason to reconcile but if you address some of the issue of your wife, this will be more easier and both of you as couple will be better in long run.

No one can ask you to leave your parents. thats just nuts. having separate home is also should not be an issue, as you live in another country.

why cant your parents go to in laws and sort out with in laws? if its not possible for you to go and talk to them.

it looks in laws are trying to make you budge and come running to their house for forgiveness and agree to what they say. listen to valid reasons and say no to un reasonable ones.

again the best way is talk to your wife directly. if you both agree on something, thats more than anything.

If the wife still listens to mother and dont think about the children then this unfortunately cant be fixed by anything.

[Iconoclast]

Re: Looking for sincere advice to save my family

If i was in your place, i will do anything to get my kids.

[Soundvision]

You are a strong person for not wanting to give up.

I think the problems increase ten-fold when other parties get involved. Everyone brings their own agendas into the equation and starts playing the blame again.

Maybe you can start by forgetting everyone else and encouraging your wife to talk to you. Start by talking on the phone and if it makes sense go to Pakistan,sit down and talk to her on a one-to-one basis. Compromise but it has to be from both sides.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Before commenting, I have a recommendation for you. If your wife is trying to take advantage of the situation, do not go to Pakistan with your kids. Leave your children with a caregiver if you go to see her to discuss your relationship. If your wife wants to see the children, offer to pay for her ticket to return. The reason I say this is that your wife/in-laws could potentially try to keep the children in Pakistan to force your hand and complicate child custody/access issues. I would also seek the advice of a lawyer so that your actions are documented for the record. In the event custody becomes an issue, you can bring up your wife's abandonment of the children.

As to your actual issue, I think you owe to to your children to make a sincere effort to understand why your wife acted as she did and see if it is possible to salvage your relationship. You need to look at all of the circumstances that led to where you are - did you have any warning that she was going to leave?

Answer the following questions for yourself: How did you treat your wife? How did your parents/family treat her? Is she a good mother? Has she been a good wife and companion to you? If you look at the situation objectively, it's possible that your wife may have some legitimate grievances that you can make better.

But, if she and her family have self-serving reasons for their actions - which you can assess better - you have to decide - is uprooting your children and shifting to Pakistan in your children's best interest/your best interest (consider their education and future)? What assurances do you have that your wife and in-laws will "sitkay dil se" accept a reconciliation? Can you be happy with yourself if you give in to your wife or will you resent her and ultimately end up where you are now? Do you/can you still love and trust your wife (or make an effort to)?

Based on your answers to these and other questions you have some important decisions to make. Good luck and iA, things will work out for the best - have faith in Allah

Nobody can actually offer balanced advice until such time as you share the complete picture with them.

Ultimately if you do not have respect/love/affection in your heart for your wife and if she feels the same way then it it likely that you two find your own ways....

*agreed with highlighted in red.....
*