long distance marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: long distance marriage

All coming from single guys and girls with vast knowledge on the subject of marriage

62

Re: long distance marriage

These arent simple platitudes or advise based on absolutely no life experience. It all has a grounding in reality, unlike advice which others are offering.
@Reha I really respect your opinion on this matter. But no marriage should be let go without a fight

63

Re: long distance marriage

I think the qualifier here is common-sense, not marital status.

Grounding in reality? As in?!
Does it even look like a normal marriage to you?
And how many times does he have to screw with her before she stops *fighting for her marriage.

*Hey, she's pretty retarded for being so untrustworthy and what not but I think the instances she's narrated tell enough for one to warrant this one a non-salvage.

64

Re: long distance marriage

Hey rajju!

She made one mistake dude. no need to make another. at least give it an honest shot before calling it quits. the label of a divorce is still very damaging to a person. let her at least try to make things work. perhaps shift together and see if that brings about a change.

you are the change you want in your life after all

65

Re: long distance marriage

Everyone's advice here is backed up by their experiences and knowledge. But you yourself must make the decision based on yourself and what's going on. Your situation sounds absolutely unbearable and I hope and pray that jo apkay ikhtiar mai behtar us rastay pay apko khuda jald say jald lay ai.

Take what everyone has said into account. This is a very emotional matter but the decision that must be made has to be a rational one. What will make you happy? Do you think sticking it out with him and trying to make it work is better? Or have you already decided that its not going anywhere? You need to decide for yourself and put alot of thought into it. You don't want to be old and weary and look back at this point in your life and think "If only I had..."

InshAllah may what you decide to take action on be the best for you

66

Re: long distance marriage

Good God, several people can see that this marriage has way too many problems...(goes beyond just infidelity)...and God forbid that the marjority suggest something that a few don't agree with ....and you get chided with an aunty-like "be wise". Quotations should be around the word "wise."

Men understand men better....and there's something to even the guys saying that she needs to move along. Sure, nobody will deny that divorce isn't a stigma for women...but there's a toxic brew of infidelity, immaturity, and indifference going on here. It's one thing to cheat on someone when you're just engaged or dating....it's another to repeat the mistake when you're married.

67

Re: long distance marriage

so the bottom line is ?

68

Re: long distance marriage

I could understand if a guy who is living miles away from his wife.....after flirting with another woman or being tempted to do so.......tries to correct the situation by making MORE of an effort to keep in touch with his wife. Your conscience pricks at you and you try to rectify things.........but that's not the case with this guy. He didn't make more of an effort to contact his wife.....rather he avoids her. What does that say about him? Even when she gives him space for several days.....there's no effort on his part to touch base and just say hello or how are you. We all have 24 hours in a day...if you really want something...you'll find a way to squeeze in 2 minutes of your busy life to just say "Hey." It could even be an email or a text.

My cousin's husband wasn't interested in the marriage anymore. They had lived together for a while....and then she visited Pak for what was supposed to be a couple of months. But it soon became 6 months because he had no desire to see her come back...after he had encouraged her to go to pak. She called her husband often....she was the one doing the calling...and she was the one asking the questions about his well-being and family....he only answered the questions and never said more than that...never asked about her. The lack of interest was obvious. Heck it was indifference. A few of the elders in the family told her to make it work...to continue staying in touch with him....a few of them thought he was up to no good. I told her point blank that his intentions are not in the right place, that he's not interested in her, that there's a possibilty he won't take her back. I even told my mom...he's not taking her back...it's better to end it....that they're not even living together and the signs are that damn obvious. After a while I became disgusted with her always being the one to chase after him....while he didn't give a rat's a$$ about her. And if anyone says that maybe she was breathing down his neck......wrong. She gave him a suffient break....but her absence and her calling made no difference to him. The playing hard to get...the break...the distance within the long distance did nothing for him. Long story short, I was right. He only treated her WORSE when she went back to him...and finally becoming so tired of him treating her like his joothi.....she gathered enough respect for herself to call it quits. I agree with GIDSA....how much more does one have to screw with you before you wake up? I'm all for giving something your best shot...but becoming a sati savitri...no.

69

Re: long distance marriage

If this is all happening before they even got married yet, why on earth have you (OP) not been put off by him yet?? Why would you even WANT to marry someone who is acting like he is doing you a favour?

70

Re: long distance marriage

Cuz basically her mommy dearest told her that she'll never find a guy. In her original post the OP wrote that her parents suggested divorce....so when you read the word "parents" you think that BOTH mom and dad are on the same page. Well, she was being unclear I guess....because in a later post she said that her dad was pushing divorce and mom was telling her to stick it out. I understand that divorce is a huge stigma for women...and parents generally try their best to not let it get to that point....but mom's in particular...knowing how desi society can be tend to push for staying in the marriage. Dad doesn't seem for it...and I think in general...men understand men better than women. Dads understand men better than mom's. In the example of my cousin that I mentioned in my previous post....my dad knew from meeting the guy's family....who appeared very respectable and polite....that they were shady people...it took the women in the family a bit longer to arrive at that conclusion.

71

Re: long distance marriage

SilentNation-

When you made this thread, you were clearly very emotional, i don't blame you. So you had the chance to rant but now it's time to think rationally.

The first step to finding the correct answer to your situation is to stop being emotional. Crying will get you no where.

It may hurt that he's ignoring you or that he talks to other women but you need to think about your future. WHAT DO YOU WANT? And to do that, you will only find the answer once you have fully calmed down and understood the pros and cons of this relationship.

No one on this forum can solve this for you, it's only up to you to do it yourself.

There are things about your personality which we will never know of. But you know yourself. We don't know how much burden you can handle or how much burden you WANT to handle. Only you know, how strong you are. And only you know if you can make this marriage work.

In-terms of your hubby, all we know of him is that he's the 'bad guy.' He may be a possible cheater and that because of him you two may never have open communication. So can we really judge him based on TWO characteristics? NO.

Are his actions shady? Yes. Do I think he's in it for immigration? Yes. Would I divorce? Yes.

But, do you see how I am basing my answers based on one small post of yours?

One thing I'm now coming to understand is that there is never just ONE right or wrong answer to situations. There are multiple ways we can look at the same situation. Like here: We can say get a divorce. But what if the next hubby turns out be worse? What if your current hubby is really in it to make it work and not just immigration and we just misunderstood him? Or we can say don't get a divorce. And what if he turns out to be a constant cheater, and what if the aggression from cheating leads to violence?

You see, we're always in the gray.

So the best you can do for yourself is to calm down, and think rationally about what YOU want and how that will fit into your personality and life goals.

72

Re: long distance marriage

[QUOTE]
I understand that divorce is a huge stigma for women
[/QUOTE]

Yes it is. And all she is doing in perpetuating these views by conforming to social values (and her mummy's wishes).
She can't complain about wanting to have a good marriage/life if she is not willing to take action (passive ones don't count!)

73

Re: long distance marriage

Lets not expect just one girl to cause change Hatty

74

Re: long distance marriage

Change usually begins on an individual level first...and then goes outward. Using the "oh one person can't change society" is lame "reasoning".

75

Re: long distance marriage

where is the OP?

logo ne khoon paseena aik kar dia.......she didn't even show up...

76

Re: long distance marriage

She needs time, this is a big decision. I see both sides of the court here and would want to do everything to try and not let this marriage breakdown but seriously with men, they can't hide their inner feelings and what he is he is, it will only get worse and if rukhsati hasn't happened, I would say walk away

My relatives hubby did something similar and he was coward enough to just keep her hanging for years, she tried her best and after many years of marriage, she walked away and she is married for the second time now. Can I say she is happy, no she has regrets but she is dealing with her life and atleast moving on rather than hanging on to his every step looking for the love that she deserves

77

Re: long distance marriage

I knew someone would come up with that. I was certain of it. But its easier said than done. I applaud someone who does it and would support her but I would never advise someone to go for it. That's an individual's decision. If she had decided FOR it and then come then I'd

78

Re: long distance marriage

Just because something is easier said than done doesn’t mean that is shouldn’t be done if that is what is determined to be the best course of action.

:rolleyes:

79

Re: long distance marriage

I am still here, still reading responses. My parents will support me no matter what. My father does not care a whit about what anyone thinks. As for my mother, even though she supports my decision, she still worries about 'log kiya kahain gay' and hence the whole 'you will not get married again' lectures. My dad had a talk with his mother and her words to my dad were 'ab main dekhon gi k rukhsati laiti bhi hoon k nahi'. Needless to say, my dad is extremely angry and does not wish to speak with them again. My husband did call my dad a couple of days ago but my dad was busy so told him to call back, which he never did. My parents have spoken with a lawyer but my mother still insists that we wait for at least another month to see what they will do. I have cut all contact with him. Sometimes I wish that he would call us and apologize and change his ways but in my heart I sort of know that it won't happen. My main concern was that I wasn't sure if it was normal behaviour in a long distance marriage. After doing a lot of thinking I feel that misunderstandings do occur when people live so far away from each other, but not taking time out for your partner, acting indifferent to them and instead giving all your attention to a third person is not a part of normal long distance marriage.

80

Re: long distance marriage

if you marry second time, dont go to back home. find some reasonable guy