Re: long distance marriage
RV, I generally tend to agree with your posts and respect your opinion a hell of a lot, but I really differ with you here.
She sticks to it because first and foremost she made a commitment to. **Secondly, the indifference came about. Marriage is about compromise, every relationship is. Strain any relationship too much and you break that thread. She has been straining it way too much. Any boy reading this would agree, and we all have a basic idea that ANY person would not like to be badgered with the amount of inquisition she gave him, for whatever reason. Im sorry OP I really dont wish to hurtfully criticise you, I am really trying to help you. You crossed a lot of lines yourself. You may have had your reasons, but you crossed them nevertheless.** You can't spill milk and then cry because you have no milk left.
Third: Not asking her to move past anything. Asking her to grow and go with the flow. A branch that doesnt bend breaks. And thats whats happening with her. She keeps trying to change him and check him and restrain him. She is exhausting herself in the process and driving her parents and the people around her batty too. She needs to BACK off. Let the situation cool. And then see where the chips fall.
The effects of his actions will linger? The effects of anyone's actions will linger. What I am concerned about, is her exiting the marriage, at this premature stage and then questioning herself years on down the line, when she is more stable and confident in herself, "Perhaps I was too hasty" or "perhaps I didnt do enough"
Be wise.
Some actions are easier to move past than others. Some things you can be resentful about and then eventually shrug off. But when your trust is betrayed in a manner that it hurts your self-esteem.......that's tough to move past. I KNEW you'd fire back with "all actions can have a lingering effect".....yes, I know they do.....but some are more internalized than others and are harder to get over. The whole "Divorce..no, just no"....I don't agree with that. I'm no*t one that support the idea of rushing to get a divorce without giving much effort to save the marriage....but I do believe that sometimes divorce CAN BE the solution. **Allah doesn't like it...YES...I get that, we all do. But Allah made it persmissible because even HE knows that the whole "NO Divorce! Just NO! **NEVER!" stance can sometimes be detrimental to the people involved in/connected to the the marriage. **Breathing down his neck and not giving him space?* Sure...I understand the importance of there being some healthy distance in a marriage.....but in her case,** even the space that she does give...be it for a week or two....it makes no impact on him**. I just don't have a good feeling about this at all. If she doesn't want to call it quits....then she can either try going to Pakistan for a while...or taking a longer break from him. Though marriage is about maintaining your partner's trust even when when you're miles away from them.....forget that....he can't even bother to touch base with her. He cheated on her before they got married....and it shook her up so much that she now finds it tough to trust him....and again he behaves in shady ways. That's what I mean......some actions are such that they are hard to move past. I don't even feel like debating this anymore. There will some who'll support getting a divorce and some who will support sticking it out. At this point..I don't envision it getting better if she stays. If she can manage it, more power to her.
Firstly I never said never. I just said no, and that she hasnt done enough to save this marriage. She crossed lines too, and she didnt change her behaviour. She is being very resistant to change and compromise. Im tired of people nowadays treating marriage like a game, things get tougher than tough, you get out? bus??? I mean, please. Some respect to the sanctiment of the bond.
@stoppit I can understand what you are saying abt flirting with other women and ignorng you, but you deal with it. Not the way shes going about it.
Secondly she isnt doing anything to remedy her faults. If she does give him space it is because she is forced to and that too in tears and jerks rather than willingly. She doesnt give him space, he TAKES it. That is how that is going so far. She needs to be consistent in her behaviour like @hareem01 said in another thread. A branch that doesnt bend, breaks. And thats whats happening with her. She keeps trying to change him and check him and restrain him. She is exhausting herself in the process and driving her parents and the people around her batty too. She needs to BACK off. Let the situation cool. And then see where the chips fall.
I agree sometimes divorce can be a solution but not until you try everything else.