i am so depressed and i need to hear from other people who have been in long distance marriages.
i am in america and my husband in pakistan and we are waiting for his immigration. our relationship at the verge of breaking and i don’t know if it can be saved. he had broken my trust once before marriage. i used to trust him completely and we did not share passwords but one day i tried a random password and ended up in his acct. i can’t even remember now why i even tried but it just happened and i saw emails between some girl and him discussing sex and abt how sexy she looked cuz she had sent her photos etc etc. long story short, we broke up and he apologized and apologized and after many months we were back together again. from that point on we had each others passwords. at first i would check his acct but then i stopped cuz he had his family/friends on fb and i didn’t really care to know what he was talking to them abt. then we got married. then he started a new job and i started a new job here. now at my work everyone knows that i am married, even though i don’t wear a ring. he told me that everyone at his office knows that he’s married too. then on fb i saw in ‘people you may know’ list his new acct. he made one for his office people. i could see his wall n everything cuz it was open to public. he was 20 times more active there than he was on his real one. i always thought he didn’t have time for fb. there was this one girl who was all over his photos, wall, statuses etc. i called him right away all upset and he told me how she was an aunty and she knew abt me n blah blah. then i asked him why he doesn’t add his office frds to his ‘real’ acct and he said it was cuz they were jahils n they would add his family etc. i told him that if they were so jahils then why even be frds with them on fb? well, he changed his privacy settings on his new acct, added a cell phone # and made sure that i couldn’t see anything on there. then i did something stupid and added those office people of his to his real acct n reported the other one as fake. he got pissed of course n asked me to delete them which i did and he reactivated that acct again saying how i was being shakki n he was fed up of me n blah blah. then that girl who had accepted his frd req for his real acct and later was deleted added me. i asked her who she was n she goes ‘u r married to xyz?’ i said yes, who r u and why r u adding me. she said ‘oh i didn’t know he was married, he doesn’t even look married’.
i have been extremely upset abt it. yes i am being shakki and i know i shouldn’t be but he did break my trust once and now we r married. i told him k theek hai i am not asking u to share password of other acct but add me as a frd cuz if he has nothing to hide why does he care that i see what others r commenting on his statuses or what he’s putting there n stuff. he said no. he’s like ‘family ko add nai karay ga aur password tou bilkul nai day ga trust ka problem tumhara hai tum deal karo it has nothin to do with me’. then i asked him k how come she didn’t know u were married? he said how he’s fed up of me and if i ever call him again he will call my parents n tell him how i am a psycho n shakki n blah blah. i said k fine if i am that bad then give me a divorce and he said k bhej do papers main sign kar doon ga waisay bhi mujhay tumharay saath nahi rehna.
it’s not the first time we’ve had issues. i get so upset when if i don’t call him for weeks he doesn’t bother calling or msging or emailing or anything to ask how i am or where i am. even if i get upset n don’t talk to him he doesn’t bother until i call/msg him. before marriage if i didn’t talk to him for more than 24 hours i always got a msg saying how he missed me. he stays out till 4-5am in pak with his friends playing videogames or eating out but he never has time to talk to me. sometimes if i call him n say how i need to talk to him he will be like ‘i am out with my friends call me in 30 mins or an hour’ and i do and then he will still be with his frds. i feel like he doesn’t have time for me or cares for me even though he keeps telling me that i am just being immature n he loves me n blah blah. to top it off, his mom is always creating dramas between us. i work full time n there is a 10 hr time diff n she never ever ever calls and if i skip calling her for a couple of weeks she quickly complains to him but she never tells him when i do call. everytime i talk to her she keeps telling me **** like how he’s too busy to solve his marriage k maslas n that is why she solves issues for him n how he has no time to buy me anything so she has to do it and it makes me feel like he doesn’t care at all abt me.
this has been going on for months n now my parents r fed up n they r like ‘khula lay lo bus bohot tamasha ho gaya’. i cry everyday and i am so stressed and i can’t eat and i think i am too emotionally involved and i just don’t know what to do. has anyone gone though anything like this in their ldr? is this normal or do i really need to break it off?
seems like the only reason he's sticking into this marriage is for immigration purpose and getting the green card !
But then again you shouldn't have broken into his account. Trust issues should always be sort out upfront. He broke your trust, that is obvious and was very very wrong of him..but you also lost slight credibility when you started spying on him and added his office colleagues. But either way, marriage is a very very strong bond and if there's loyalty, distance shouldn't be an issue unless your husband isn't interested or his motive behind the entire escapade is to get hold of the green card !
feel no good to know you are going through this all.
Coming to your point, see too much ASKINGS is something men don't like..... thats what you did, you almost were like digging his life!! so he got annoyed and maybe that turned him more p----- off!
If we see this whole issue from the other side, another possibility is, He was really not for you and Allah wanted you to see his undisclosed side, that you went through and now upset!
I think, its better to break up! I know, sitting here and suggesting someone such a huge decision is so easy and very difficult for someone who is bearing it all, but believe me, he doesn't seem to me a good person for you!
A spouse is someone, who turns your life happy and tells you your importance, not the one, who says, I never wanted to be with you!!
You are lucky, its just Nikah, not you were rukhsat, it would have been really more difficult and painful then!
Just be relaxed and take the decision, believe me its better for you to cry now for a couple of days instead crying for the rest of your life!!
seems like the only reason he's sticking into this marriage is for immigration purpose and getting the green card !
But then again you shouldn't have broken into his account. Trust issues should always be sort out upfront. He broke your trust, that is obvious and was very very wrong of him..but you also lost slight credibility when you started spying on him and added his office colleagues. But either way, marriage is a very very strong bond and if there's loyalty, distance shouldn't be an issue unless your husband isn't interested or his motive behind the entire escapade is to get hold of the green card !
yar, but if SHE did the mistake.. should he be doing this?? taking revenge or teasing her?? he could get some other ways to punish her!!
such a relation is, if one is on the mistake, other one should forgive it!! unless its not something related to be unloyal!!
yes i was immature and yes i broke his trust but at least i am trying to save our marriage now. i try to make an effort. i call him. if i can't talk to him due to busy work schedule/time diff i send a one line msg or an email or anything. i always tell him how i love him. i always make an effort to send him small gifts on eid/his bd/randomly, even if it's just a greeting card or a letter. he says 'sorry meray paas paisay nahi thay tumhay kuch bhejnay ko' even though he has money to go to mcdonalds n pizza hut everyday. he doesn't have time to email/msg me but he was all over that girl's wall on his new fb from his office. i donno, if he wanted immigration then shouldn't he have waited until after he got it to do this stuff? he says he didn't marry me for immigration but i don't see or feel the love. i just feel like crap ...
yes i was immature and yes i broke his trust but at least i am trying to save our marriage now. i try to make an effort. i call him. if i can't talk to him due to busy work schedule/time diff i send a one line msg or an email or anything. i always tell him how i love him. i always make an effort to send him small gifts on eid/his bd/randomly, even if it's just a greeting card or a letter. he says 'sorry meray paas paisay nahi thay tumhay kuch bhejnay ko' even though he has money to go to mcdonalds n pizza hut everyday. he doesn't have time to email/msg me but he was all over that girl's wall on his new fb from his office. i donno, if he wanted immigration then shouldn't he have waited until after he got it to do this stuff? he says he didn't marry me for immigration but i don't see or feel the love. i just feel like crap ...
and i dont see following thing in your relation.
**and those who say, .Our Lord, Give us, from our spouses and our children, comfort of eyes, and make us heads of the God-fearing *[Al Furqan-74]*
WHo cares if she broke into his account? It all happened for a reason and that was to stumble upon her immature and childish husband. I always feel that husbands who complain of having a "shakki" wife always give them a reason to be so.
This husband character is clearly immature and seeking attention from anyone who'll give it. No mature and sensible man would have convos with other women and discuss how "sexy" they are or hide his marital status. These are all red flags and you have every right to be upset. Also, no sensible and mature man would jeopardize his marriage for random Facebook girls. Listen to your parents, if they are backing you up then maybe it is something to consider.
yar, but if SHE did the mistake.. should he be doing this?? taking revenge or teasing her?? he could get some other ways to punish her!!
such a relation is, if one is on the mistake, other one should forgive it!! unless its not something related to be unloyal!!
What he is doing is absolutely wrong..but she just kind of weakened her case by the spying. If she had confronted him and not gone adding his friends behind his back then maybe he would have REALLY felt guilty. But either way, the guy showed his true colours too. So maybe this is a sign from Allah that it isn't too late for you
And to make long story short..as a guy i tell you..he is playing with your feelings. I am not judging him coz i don't know who is he..but he might sound like an individual who just wants immigration.
I mean sorry i am saying this but..what were your parents and you thinking when getting nikkahed with him..????
i think you should break it off before rukhsati as well. it sucks but it seems as if he's played you. i'm sorry but be careful before you fall in "love". just because a guy gives you attention and tells you, you're pretty doesnt mean he wont turn out to be a selfish jerk. i'm not saying all men are like that. many are sincere and make great husbands. however, unfortunately in your case i think you stumbled upon a classic flirt who's manipulating you into thinking you're "shakki"...you had plausible reasons to doubt him and your shak wasnt wrong. just by calling you shaki he shouldnt be able to get away with cheating (flirting arnd and calling other grls sexy).
its easy to say break it off...but what if he remains this way forever..you'll be living a life of misery...
i cannot believe there is a nikah done here.
and if there is, if this IS a nikah and not a "o lets pretend we are married cos we do plan to be married", then learn to honor it. play by his rules for a while.
im staunchly against breaking it. Rukhsati or not. U are in a marriage. Stick it out. And kindly ask him to change his passwords and not tell u the new ones. That's the best advice for now as it stands.
SN ,, i know you are trying too hard but first you can only do so much second ask yourself is it worthy anymore
good luck and dont lose yourself
yes i was immature and yes i broke his trust but at least i am trying to save our marriage now. i try to make an effort. i call him. if i can't talk to him due to busy work schedule/time diff i send a one line msg or an email or anything. i always tell him how i love him. i always make an effort to send him small gifts on eid/his bd/randomly, even if it's just a greeting card or a letter. he says 'sorry meray paas paisay nahi thay tumhay kuch bhejnay ko' even though he has money to go to mcdonalds n pizza hut everyday. he doesn't have time to email/msg me but he was all over that girl's wall on his new fb from his office. i donno, if he wanted immigration then shouldn't he have waited until after he got it to do this stuff? he says he didn't marry me for immigration but i don't see or feel the love. i just feel like crap ...
I lived with him for a little bit before we were married. He was a different person for so long after that first indiscretion. It's just I have been feeling as if he stopped caring or loving or putting any effort into our relationship after we got married. He tells me I shouldn't expect much until we are living together. I am not being unreasonable in my expectations. I have just been asking him to show me a little that he cares. It's not too much to ask for an 'I love you' once every few days especially when he used to say it every single day before we were married. How hard is it to tell your partner that you care and you are with them rather than saying 'i am fed up of you i hate talking to you if you ever call me i will complain to your father i am happier without you'. And when I ask him k talaq day do agar itnay hi na khush ho tou he says 'mujhay gunah nahi kamana talaq day kar'. yeah he is happy earning gunah flirting with na mehram aurtain and lying to me and treating me like crap but woh gunah nahi kamana. i am so stressed out. i think a part of it is the fact that my mom has it drilled in my head that now i won't ever find a guy. i am so scared of losing him and being left alone forever. i know i sound stupid but i can't help thinking that. but sometimes i think maybe living alone wouldn't be so bad ...
Ask yourself why did you marry him ?
For love , respect , and companionship. right ? If he has no love , no respect and does not care about your emotions and feeling what kind of companionship will it be.
You do not trust him , you do not respect him how can you love him.
He has no love and respect for you either then what is left in this relationship ?
It is as black and white , there is nothing here to be saved.