I lived with him for a little bit before we were married. He was a different person for so long after that first indiscretion. It's just I have been feeling as if he stopped caring or loving or putting any effort into our relationship after we got married. He tells me I shouldn't expect much until we are living together. I am not being unreasonable in my expectations. I have just been asking him to show me a little that he cares. It's not too much to ask for an 'I love you' once every few days especially when he used to say it every single day before we were married. How hard is it to tell your partner that you care and you are with them rather than saying 'i am fed up of you i hate talking to you if you ever call me i will complain to your father i am happier without you'. And when I ask him k talaq day do agar itnay hi na khush ho tou he says 'mujhay gunah nahi kamana talaq day kar'. yeah he is happy earning gunah flirting with na mehram aurtain and lying to me and treating me like crap but woh gunah nahi kamana. i am so stressed out. i think a part of it is the fact that my mom has it drilled in my head that now i won't ever find a guy. i am so scared of losing him and being left alone forever. i know i sound stupid but i can't help thinking that. but sometimes i think maybe living alone wouldn't be so bad ...
i will suggest you to become reasonable. make yourself serious person not clingy.
give him space and try to speak one day in week. if you both think it could not work then there is no need to keep yourself in marriage.
Ask yourself why did you marry him ?
For love , respect , and companionship. right ? If he has no love , no respect and does not care about your emotions and feeling what kind of companionship will it be.
You do not trust him , you do not respect him how can you love him.
He has no love and respect for you either then what is left in this relationship ?
It is as black and white , there is nothing here to be saved.
SilentNation, you've discussed your husband's issues and your MIL's issues.......but (IMO) the person with the biggest problems is YOU. What possessed you to marry a guy who cheated on you the first time? I bet if your own sister or friend or female relative had told you that her boyfriend cheated on her.......you'd advise her to end the relationship. Then why did you do it? Is it low self-esteem? Sorry if it sounds harsh, but it's something you need to reflect over for the future. People out there will screw you over...you can't control them...but you have greater control over your own life...and you chose to mess it up and you need to accept responsibility for your decisions. When a guy is interested in a woman...he WILL contact her...he WILL make time for her....we all have 24 hours in a day and tons of things to do...but he WILL spare even 2 minutes out of his life to talk to her. And you're his WIFE...not some girlfriend that he should be ignoring you like this. Sometimes women will play hard to get, so that the guy will develop an interest in them again...............but in your case..............your guy doesn't even miss you when you've been away for more than a few days.......he's not even curious about you. His friends, his coworkers, his Facebook crushes.....all these people have been given a higher priority than you. He refuses to answer your questions ...and instead twists things around and blames you. It's a lot easier for him to call you shakki than to give sound reasons to your questions.
You don't have a marriage......it's not even a relationship because it's NOT mutual. You have a one-sided ordeal. How many times does he need to treat you like chit for you to wake up and let go of him? Had it been another woman in this situation....you would have advised her to get out of it. And now your parents are giving you a wise suggestion by telling you to divorce him.........so what are you still hanging on to him for? He's certainly not the only guy in the world. Are you waiting for the day when you have kids and are even more miserable than you are now? What is so wonderful about him that is making you hang on to him? Is it the way he respects you? Cuz he doesn't respect you. Is it the way he makes you feel special? Is it the way you can trust him so blindly? Is it his intelligence? Cuz he isn't intelligent if he's going to commit the same grave mistake more than once. Or do you just not value yourself as a woman....to find a better future for yourself?
Your parents have told you to divorce him. My gut feeling is that you don't like their advice......you're still "stuck" on him...pining over him. And you've come to Gupshup hoping that we will give you advice that is different from your parents....advice that will still enable you stay in this loveless, one-sided affair that you think is a marriage but is more like a joke.
Wake up. Have some respect for yourself. Life is short enough as it is. Don't make it even shorter by staying married to this loser. Dump him....and after that reflect over your self-esteem.
How hard is it to tell your partner that you care and you are with them rather than saying 'i am fed up of you i hate talking to you if you ever call me i will complain to your father i am happier without you'. And when I ask him k talaq day do agar itnay hi na khush ho tou he says 'mujhay gunah nahi kamana talaq day kar'. yeah he is happy earning gunah flirting with na mehram aurtain and lying to me and treating me like crap but woh gunah nahi kamana. i am so stressed out. i think a part of it is the fact that my mom has it drilled in my head that now i won't ever find a guy. i am so scared of losing him and being left alone forever. i know i sound stupid but i can't help thinking that. but sometimes i think maybe living alone wouldn't be so bad ...
Actions speak louder than words. There are some people who will easily say "I love you" but their actions reflect otherwise. What difference does it make if he says those three words to you on a regular basis....when his actions prove that he doesn't care about you? However when he tells you that he hates you and is fed up of you and that he's happier without you............well unfortunately it seems like he means those words because his actions match up with them....because they reflect his lack of interest in you. Apart from cheating on you, ignoring you, he's also making "threats" about what he'd do if you were to call him again. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you. And you think that things will improve later on? When he says that you shouldn't expect anything from him until you're living with him..........what about marriages where the husband or wife has to travel often? My dad worked overseas for quite some time....and called my mom practically everyday. This is pathetic.
And your mom is partly to blame. Gosh, what is up with desi moms and their tongues and not realizing the impact their harsh words can have. Well, that some mother who had told you that you will NEVER get married......has now joined your dad in advising you to get out of this marriage. Some things such as your health, respect, and sanity cannot be compromised just in the name of having the "married" title. If you're so afraid of what society will think of you being divorced and about your chances of getting married again.....I think it will be far more embarrassing for people to find out that you're staying with a guy who treats you like crap and cheats on you. Again, just get out of this marriage.
Let me paste one sentence from your post that the OP may want to ponder and answer honestly to herself - "What is so wonderful about him that is making you hang on to him?"
^ Couldn't disagree more. Taali do haath se bajthee hai. It is not up to the OP alone to do "her 100%" to make this marriage work. If the other party is unwilling to participate, even 1000% from OP can do little to save this marriage.
How do you "stick" to something when the other person doesn't want it? This is not just about infidelity....it's not just about him straying because she's not there with him...there's indifference...which is worse than hatred. There are way too many problems. And it's not something that's easy to move past. When your trust has been broken more than once...as hers has been...imagine the hit that your self-esteem will take. Imagine being in a marriage where you're always going to wonder if he's truly going out with just his friends or to see some woman...is he really doing his work on his laptop or is he chatting with some girl...was he really late because he had a work-related meeting or dinner or is he straying again..am I not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough? What is lacking in me that this had to happen more than once? Where the "line" is drawn will vary for each person. I'm of the opinion that this guy is bad news and it will only get worse....especially when there's no indication of remorse for one's wrong action. Some people might believe that she needs to stick it out....and I hope that the OP makes the best decision for herself. Most desi parents.....knowing the stigma that comes with divorce.....don't rush to suggest divorce for their kids...especially their daugthers. But in this case....even her mom who kept telling her that she'll never get married...thinks she should get a khula...they're tired of the tamasha. I imagine it must have taken A LOT for the parents to get to this stage. The effects of his actions will linger. It's one of those things that shakes you....that's hard to move past...it's not like a "okay fine...baat khatam..let me shrug this off."
I lived with him for a little bit before we were married. He was a different person for so long after that first indiscretion. It's just I have been feeling as if he stopped caring or loving or putting any effort into our relationship after we got married. He tells me I shouldn't expect much until we are living together. I am not being unreasonable in my expectations. I have just been asking him to show me a little that he cares. It's not too much to ask for an 'I love you' once every few days especially when he used to say it every single day before we were married. How hard is it to tell your partner that you care and you are with them rather than saying 'i am fed up of you i hate talking to you if you ever call me i will complain to your father i am happier without you'. And when I ask him k talaq day do agar itnay hi na khush ho tou he says 'mujhay gunah nahi kamana talaq day kar'. yeah he is happy earning gunah flirting with na mehram aurtain and lying to me and treating me like crap but woh gunah nahi kamana. i am so stressed out. i think a part of it is the fact that my mom has it drilled in my head that now i won't ever find a guy. i am so scared of losing him and being left alone forever. i know i sound stupid but i can't help thinking that. but sometimes i think maybe living alone wouldn't be so bad ...
So you'd rather live like this than be alone?
I don't think you should divorce him yet. I don't think you've done everything you could do on your part. He IS wrong in everything he has done but your suspicious nature, your tendency to assume he is lying, your obsession with calling/texting/messaging didn't help.
Stop throwing yourself at him like you're faltu. Apni izzat karwana seekho. You have self esteem issues and you're making those issues HIS problem when they're NOT.
YES he lied, is immature and probably doesn't deserve you...but apparently you think he's God.
You need to look at your life...separate from his...look at who YOU are and gain some self worth.
I don't think you should divorce him yet. I don't think you've done everything you could do on your part. He IS wrong in everything he has done but your suspicious nature, your tendency to assume he is lying, your obsession with calling/texting/messaging didn't help.
*Stop throwing yourself at him like you're faltu. Apni izzat karwana seekho. You have self esteem issues and you're making those issues HIS problem when they're NOT.
*
**YES he lied, is immature and probably doesn't deserve you...but apparently you think he's God.
You need to look at your life...separate from his...look at who YOU are and gain some self worth.
Why would he love you if you don't love you**?
@Reha THANK you for putting to words what I could not. She has not done her bit. RV and southie this is exactly what I meant. She has done NOTHING so far, other than to complain about him. Give it more than an honest shot, give it your all, and if after your all it doesnt work, THEN complain about it.
How do you "stick" to something when the other person doesn't want it? This is not just about infidelity....it's not just about him straying because she's not there with him...there's indifference...which is worse than hatred. There are way too many problems. And it's not something that's easy to move past. When your trust has been broken more than once...as hers has been...imagine the hit that your self-esteem will take. Imagine being in a marriage where you're always going to wonder if he's truly going out with just his friends or to see some woman...is he really doing his work on his laptop or is he chatting with some girl...was he really late because he had a work-related meeting or dinner or is he straying again..am I not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough? What is lacking in me that this had to happen more than once? Where the "line" is drawn will vary for each person. I'm of the opinion that this guy is bad news and it will only get worse....especially when there's no indication of remorse for one's wrong action. Some people might believe that she needs to stick it out....and I hope that the OP makes the best decision for herself. Most desi parents.....knowing the stigma that comes with divorce.....don't rush to suggest divorce for their kids...especially their daugthers. But in this case....even her mom who kept telling her that she'll never get married...thinks she should get a khula...they're tired of the tamasha. **I imagine it must have taken A LOT for the parents to get to this stage. The effects of his actions will linger. **It's one of those things that shakes you....that's hard to move past...it's not like a "okay fine...baat khatam..let me shrug this off."
RV, I generally tend to agree with your posts and respect your opinion a hell of a lot, but I really differ with you here.
She sticks to it because first and foremost she made a commitment to.
Secondly, the indifference came about. Marriage is about compromise, every relationship is. Strain any relationship too much and you break that thread. She has been straining it way too much. Any boy reading this would agree, and we all have a basic idea that ANY person would not like to be badgered with the amount of inquisition she gave him, for whatever reason. Im sorry OP I really dont wish to hurtfully criticise you, I am really trying to help you. You crossed a lot of lines yourself. You may have had your reasons, but you crossed them nevertheless. You can't spill milk and then cry because you have no milk left.
Third: Not asking her to move past anything. Asking her to grow and go with the flow. A branch that doesnt bend breaks. And thats whats happening with her. She keeps trying to change him and check him and restrain him. She is exhausting herself in the process and driving her parents and the people around her batty too. She needs to BACK off. Let the situation cool. And then see where the chips fall.
The effects of his actions will linger? The effects of anyone's actions will linger. What I am concerned about, is her exiting the marriage, at this premature stage and then questioning herself years on down the line, when she is more stable and confident in herself, "Perhaps I was too hasty" or "perhaps I didnt do enough"
Some actions are easier to move past than others. Some things you can be resentful about and then eventually shrug off. But when your trust is betrayed in a manner that it hurts your self-esteem.......that's tough to move past. I KNEW you'd fire back with "all actions can have a lingering effect".....yes, I know they do.....but some are more internalized than others and are harder to get over. The whole "Divorce..no, just no"....I don't agree with that. I'm not one that support the idea of rushing to get a divorce without giving much effort to save the marriage....but I do believe that sometimes divorce CAN BE the solution. Allah doesn't like it...YES...I get that, we all do. But Allah made it persmissible because even HE knows that the whole "NO Divorce! Just NO! NEVER!" stance can sometimes be detrimental to the people involved in/connected to the the marriage. Breathing down his neck and not giving him space? Sure...I understand the importance of there being some healthy distance in a marriage.....but in her case, even the space that she does give...be it for a week or two....it makes no impact on him. I just don't have a good feeling about this at all. If she doesn't want to call it quits....then she can either try going to Pakistan for a while...or taking a longer break from him. Though marriage is about maintaining your partner's trust even when when you're miles away from them.....forget that....he can't even bother to touch base with her. He cheated on her before they got married....and it shook her up so much that she now finds it tough to trust him....and again he behaves in shady ways. That's what I mean......some actions are such that they are hard to move past. I don't even feel like debating this anymore. There will some who'll support getting a divorce and some who will support sticking it out. At this point..I don't envision it getting better if she stays. If she can manage it, more power to her.
She made a mistake, doesn't mean she has to live with it for the rest of her life.
Demense - I can't see where you are coming from at all and what makes you take this stance. Maybe you think you would never divorce after nikkah no matter how bad it got in turns of communication but I wonder what you would do if your spouse was flirting with other women while ignoring you? There has to be some history to make a person want to carry on after infidelity. Either that or low self worth that they would condemn themselves like this.
Reha - I didn't expect this from you either. Should she wait until his immigration is sorted.....?
SL, why dont you try asking your husband to come over for a visit...may be he'll be more concerned and attentive to you when he's around you...he amy feel the responsiblity and your rights more then...but if even when he's with u, u feel he has changed as a person then u can consider leaving him...i think its not very sensible of thinking of khula at the moment...all the best
Reha - I didn't expect this from you either. Should she wait until his immigration is sorted.....?
Nope.
I don't support this guy. I don't like him. I think he is all wrong for her.
In fact, the first line of my post says that much.
BUT IF she wants to stick this out...which it seems like she does because she think she cannot do any better than him...then my advice stands. I should have clarified this part.
He is wrong, there is no doubt. But she is wrong for not leaving him for fear of being alone. Really? No kids, no property, no baggage, NOTHING. FULL support from family and more than enough reasons to walk away. And your biggest fear is being alone?
To the OP...you want him that badly? Then you gotta try harder.
I think Reha's points re: backing off, having some self-respect, and not throwing herself at the husband makes sense. Demense makes some good points as well in terms of not having tried enough (other than badgering the husband which pushes him further away). Maybe one last go at it, as R, D and above post indicates may not be a bad idea.
But as RV says "but in her case, even the space that she does give...be it for a week or two....it makes no impact on him." - this is what is troublesome.
Each of the posters has put a lot of energy into this - hope it works out for OP. Our best wishes are with you.