Living in a joint family in North America

[Mabrook]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Maybe I'm going off on a tangent here but I think our parents somewhat have a role in this

See, for the most part, us desi girls are told "U can do that after you're married." (be it going out at a certain time to a certain place or wearing a certain type of outfit or decorating home a certain way etc).

As a result, girls start to get this idea in their head that marriage = freedom from parents.

After a while, those expectations, that having your own home means freedom to do things the way you want, start to stick.

haha. sara is ur mom related to mine. i grew up listening same stuff" baal katvanay hain shoher k gher ja ker, buhat baher janay ka shouq hai....lalala.... lol. yea i'm changing this rule for my girls. jo kerna hai yehin ker lo :)

[Jolie]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

haha. sara is ur mom related to mine. i grew up listening same stuff" baal katvanay hain shoher k gher ja ker, buhat baher janay ka shouq hai....lalala.... lol. yea i'm changing this rule for my girls. jo kerna hai yehin ker lo :)

Funnily enough, my mum likes to remind us everyday that life before marraige is what you call freedom.

[paliz654654]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

for u all whom thinks im femenism or against our culture

first im not pakistani...as someone who looks from above i see advantages on ur culture also disadvantage same as all cultures...

but why u didnt reply if its financial issues with hubby why he doesnt come & live with girl parents if they call him???
why he doesnt accept ? & why a girl has to do?

also i say pro is pakistani culture where joint system is prefered...its not abt money...
home doesnt mean a big Vila it can be a 50square-meter home where u have ur own room & kitchen & bathroom...
realy all live like this in joint they all have money issues??? realy? truly? they cant even rent a home for wife?

its more than financial issues....its abt men feels its easy for a girl to leave her parents & come to a new home....marriage makes a hard time to handle with hubby alone as a new person then imagin u go somewhere that all ppl r same & u r diffrent so its all burden on girl to change her....

for any man tell this to me ill say him to go & live with ur in-laws then force ur wife to do same...
according islam boy should make home for wife accirding her....not a room...

also if a boy has this in mind like any other of wedding expences he would manage for home on rent or any other way...

also according islam as u said privacy should be there...where is girl privacy when her eating time should be set with all...she should eat what all decide...making in a kitchen that eyes r on her ...where is privacy to invite her own guests freely...
or this is privacy that she has to follow new rules of a new home???

realy privacy is mean im laying in my own BED????

[Mabrook]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

I think so far Jolie and mabrook have been the voice of reason. I understand why the OP opened the thread and she might have issues with the joint family system but you have to realize that your fiance has some financial burdens and some obligations towards both you and his parents. He can't and will never cut his parents off financially and he has every right to support his parents as well as you do. I don't know how whether its cultural or a religious thing but parents are always the responsibility of their sons and he is just trying to fulfill his responsibility.

My solution to your problem would be that if you guys are having issues in affording a seperate house then like Jolie suggested why don't you try getting a job and pitch in financially. Be a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem. That would get your what you want, i.e. a house, and make his life easier so that he can fulfill all his responsibilities in the best possible way. Of course, the other choice would be to not just dismiss the idea without even trying it and give living in a joint family system (whether basement or separate room) a fair chance. I personally have issues with some of the things that you have said i.e. if you can dress like a decent human being because your mom forced you to then why is it so hard to dress properly for your inlaws. Why subject them to a different set of rules just because they are his parents.

other options ... buy a lot. get a custom house built or build it urself to accomodate everyone. or buy a large enuf house that needs TLC( some fore-closure preferably to save money), upgrade it n put a partition so u get ur own kitchen and ensuite but u share living area. or else buy a two storey. u keep upper portion, put a door infront of stairs so nobody comes upstairs without knocking, add a kitchnette in one of spare rooms. u can even add ur own back enterance by adding a deck to ur room and stairs going down.

[Jolie]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

for u all whom thinks im femenism or against our culture

first im not pakistani...as someone who looks from above i see advantages on ur culture also disadvantage same as all cultures...

but why u didnt reply if its financial issues with hubby why he doesnt come & live with girl parents if they call him??? why he doesnt accept ? & why a girl has to do?

also i say pro is pakistani culture where joint system is prefered...its not abt money... home doesnt mean a big Vila it can be a 50square-meter home where u have ur own room & kitchen & bathroom... realy all live like this in joint they all have money issues??? realy? truly? they cant even rent a home for wife?

its more than financial issues....its abt men feels its easy for a girl to leave her parents & come to a new home....marriage makes a hard time to handle with hubby alone as a new person then imagin u go somewhere that all ppl r same & u r diffrent so its all burden on girl to change her....

for any man tell this to me ill say him to go & live with ur in-laws then force ur wife to do same... according islam boy should make home for wife accirding her....not a room...

also if a boy has this in mind like any other of wedding expences he would manage for home on rent or any other way...

also according islam as u said privacy should be there...where is girl privacy when her eating time should be set with all...she should eat what all decide...making in a kitchen that eyes r on her ...where is privacy to invite her own guests freely... or this is privacy that she has to follow new rules of a new home???

realy privacy is mean im laying in my own BED????

You keep saying in Islam husband is required to "make" a home nor a room? Can you back that up? Can find me hadith saying a home which is shared by groom's parents is not a 'home'?

[QUOTE]

but why u didnt reply if its financial issues with hubby why he doesnt come & live with girl parents if they call him???
why he doesnt accept ? & why a girl has to do

[/QUOTE]

They are pathetic, egoistical, self absorbed gits. Happy now.

[paliz654654]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

o dear joli

which hadis?
see dear issue isnt hadis...cuz there is no hadis that u have to live with in-laws also is there???...

according islam matter is place for living according honor of girl...

i said im not pakistani so let u know im a muslim but not a sunni muslim so i cant redirect u to ahadis as may u will not be a shia girl...

im married a pakistani shia guy with love...but when we call it according girl's honor means home should be a place of living for her...if u can live in a room then its up to u...if ur honor is one room & u can, no one prevent u...but if a girl standard is else guy should provid as far as he knows it be4 nikah...

also i didnt say for case realy ur hubby cant afford...its else story but most cases i see they live in joint system its bcuz culture not financial issue

also a husband has to afford his wife but there is no hadis of affording parents....parents r else story u should help them...but not putting ur own in pressure to give money to parents in case they can afford their life nice...

but if u have mashallah even they have good ncome helping them in reward & there is No priority of in-laws or own parents....
cuz ur wife parents r same as ur own parents in sence of helping them....

but in end i didnt get why a guy wont live with in-laws????
even i heared some grooms avoid sleeping one night with them cuz culture say no to them...but girl has to live with in-laws even full life cuz otherwise culture will say No to her?

[Sara516]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Funnily enough, my mum likes to remind us everyday that life before marraige is what you call freedom.

Yup...as soon as we get married, the "premarriage" days are more free...

haha. sara is ur mom related to mine. i grew up listening same stuff" baal katvanay hain shoher k gher ja ker, buhat baher janay ka shouq hai....lalala.... lol. yea i'm changing this rule for my girls. jo kerna hai yehin ker lo :)

I think most desi moms of that generation are like that, its so unfortunate...and unfair..but whatevers.

Good for you for doing differently :)

[Reha]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

I dont think its that big of a deal.

Meaning, I do understand the idea of privacy and being able to dress how your please and do whatever you want in your four walls. However, being unreasonable and demanding your husband provide you with separate accommodation is not right.

It may be her right but how much respect will he have for his wife if she makes him do something he cannot afford to do? Joint family system is ONLY desi but there are ways to work with it to keep everyone happy...you just have to look for them.

If this is something you're passionate about...maybe you can work towards it as a future goal. Build a house that will make him, you and his parents happy. It can be next door or a house that will have separate living arrangements for everyone. This is all I can think of.

[Jolie]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

o dear joli

which hadis? see dear issue isnt hadis...cuz there is no hadis that u have to live with in-laws also is there???...

according islam matter is place for living according honor of girl...

i said im not pakistani so let u know im a muslim but not a sunni muslim so i cant redirect u to ahadis as may u will not be a shia girl...

im married a pakistani shia guy with love...but when we call it according girl's honor means home should be a place of living for her...if u can live in a room then its up to u...if ur honor is one room & u can, no one prevent u...but if a girl standard is else guy should provid as far as he knows it be4 nikah...

also i didnt say for case realy ur hubby cant afford...its else story but most cases i see they live in joint system its bcuz culture not financial issue

also a husband has to afford his wife but there is no hadis of affording parents....parents r else story u should help them...but not putting ur own in pressure to give money to parents in case they can afford their life nice...

but if u have mashallah even they have good ncome helping them in reward & there is No priority of in-laws or own parents.... cuz ur wife parents r same as ur own parents in sence of helping them....

but in end i didnt get why a guy wont live with in-laws???? even i heared some grooms avoid sleeping one night with them cuz culture say no to them...but girl has to live with in-laws even full life cuz otherwise culture will say No to her?

Alright find me a hadith where it forbids the girl from living with in her in laws? Yes Islam does provide a space in this regard, which unfortuntely is filled with cultural norms. You can throw as many hissy fits denouncing the cultural norms but they're not going anyway, those who see a point in following them will always follow.

I see so much bit*hing and moaning from desi girls for inlaws, its sickening, which sometimes makes me really believe that guys who genuinely have a strong attachment with their parents therefore can't leave them alone really deserve to have wives who respects their decision. Instead of wife who puts forced smile yet inside she's cursing the life out his family members. And no, not all inlaws are blood hungry evil folks, some girls do come very self centred and cold.

[Mirch]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

@NomiCA

Girls…if you are having fights/arugements now…its going to get worse later on…

so…
either

be prepared to sacrifice

Or

leave the guys who want to stick to their families…its hard to change that in men…

Yep that is the only way. :k:

[princessjojo]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Sara's point is absolutely true. You can't fault girls for thinking that they will have freedom (finally, after years of restrictions and rok tok) once they get married.

Most desi guys will have a hard time empathizing because they never experience curfews, dress code restrictions, being watched and so on as much as a desi girl (generally) does.

[paliz654654]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Alright find me a hadith where it forbids the girl from living with in her in laws? Yes Islam does provide a space in this regard, which unfortuntely is filled with cultural norms. You can throw as many hissy fits denouncing the cultural norms but they're not going anyway, those who see a point in following them will always follow.

I see so much bit*hing and moaning from desi girls for inlaws, its sickening, which sometimes makes me really believe that guys who genuinely have a strong attachment with their parents therefore can't leave them alone really deserve to have wives who respects their decision. Instead of wife who puts forced smile yet inside she's cursing the life out his family members. And no, not all inlaws are blood hungry evil folks, some girls do come very self centred and cold.

i said to u hadis isnt say uu should live with in-laws but honor that i explianed....

problem isnt pakistani girl who r moaning...problem is culture when they have to live with in-laws.....when u live 24 hours with ppl whom r diffrent than u with diffrent ideas & lifestyle then it makes issue...problem isnt in-laws they have their own life also...but problem isnt poor girl also she also need diffrent....when u combine 2 diffrent ppl then probllem comes.....
cuz wife& husband have other feelings for eachother that in-laws r diffrent...

when u r with ur own mom when u r kid its ok but as u grow u may have discuse with ur mom abt ur diffrent choice some moms agree to change for u some dont but u have blood love for ur own mom...but for mom in law blood love isnt there so it will come via respect & caring but when u will have issue & discuse with her then it will be weired...

also who said boys r more attached to family?
u realy belived it ?
in my country nowadays ppl wish to have girls...all pray for havinggirl is, cuz they feel girls r more caring girls r more responsible....
i also dont like boys of my country where they forgot their own parents....but wat u feel abt attachments is more strong in most countries in girls where culture dont teach a son u have to be attached with ur parents wherever they r!

by nature girl is more attached to parents than guys cuz their feelings r more strong....u can verify it from any sycologists

[Jolie]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

i said to u hadis isnt say uu should live with in-laws but honor that i explianed....

problem isnt pakistani girl who r moaning...problem is culture when they have to live with in-laws.....when u live 24 hours with ppl whom r diffrent than u with diffrent ideas & lifestyle then it makes issue...problem isnt in-laws they have their own life also...but problem isnt poor girl also she also need diffrent....when u combine 2 diffrent ppl then probllem comes..... cuz wife& husband have other feelings for eachother that in-laws r diffrent...

when u r with ur own mom when u r kid its ok but as u grow u may have discuse with ur mom abt ur diffrent choice some moms agree to change for u some dont but u have blood love for ur own mom...but for mom in law blood love isnt there so it will come via respect & caring but when u will have issue & discuse with her then it will be weired...

also who said boys r more attached to family? u realy belived it ? in my country nowadays ppl wish to have girls...all pray for havinggirl is, cuz they feel girls r more caring girls r more responsible.... i also dont like boys of my country where they forgot their own parents....but wat u feel abt attachments is more strong in most countries in girls where culture dont teach a son u have to be attached with ur parents wherever they r!

by nature girl is more attached to parents than guys cuz their feelings r more strong....u can verify it from any sycologists

Which country are you from btw?

Yeah I like I said some girls must have stickers on their foreheads saying don't bother proposing us if you gonna make us live with your evil parents.

[paliz654654]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

dear im muslim...

but i said example of my own coutry that u wont feel realy guys cant leave parents...here sons r not that good....
im not crtisize any culture rather its out of islam or logics....sons of my coutry r always after wives & dont care parents realy...so ppl say girls may cant pay but they wont forget to care & love u & spend for u in case u need help!

sons of my country r doing wrong out of islam but i said to u that u dont feel sons r atrtached to family by nature & u wont belive girls r realy less than boys in this case... where there is no joint-system u will see how girls take responsiblity that sons dont take...anyway

also here no one goes to prposal to take girl to his parents so if he wants he should stick on head we want take u to our home....

but wethear u like it or not this joint family is wrong till parents r healthy-wealthy mashallah....cuz always in-laws or bride has pro...one side suffer or both bear eachother but mostly girl suffer cuz she is one....
its being selfish that u bring a girl with u...so u do ur happy life with ur family & she will bear all......even ur parents will be best of world but they r diffrent generation so need diffrent life style than urs...

[Jolie]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

I figured you are a Muslim, but from which country?

[mizsani]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

woww.. its like WW3 here...
hmmm.. i dont think any1 should judge girls tht want a place of their own..
plus.. we, the guppans here who want their own place, are considering all the options in this thread... like basements, apartments, houses next door, a portion of the house.
Id we were sooooooo materialistic we would neverrr consider living in a basement or a tiny appartment.

BTW.. my fiance can afford to get me my own place if he wants... its just the he is afraid his parents will b disappointed in him... and he is a completeee mommy's boy. And my MIL is a bit of a control freak soo I really can not stay with her.. she always has an opinion and does rok tok. hmmmm... anyways, we should all just let ppl express their concerns and not judge them for something that they desire. I am sure the OP didnt open this thread to get picked on, just so she could c all the perspectives. :)

[paliz654654]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

i cant say it upon my hubby request cuz he said me if i wish join or talk anything here he doesnt want my country will be anounace here...

anyway my point was else....search world to see how natures r beyond culture....
its not abt my culture or ur culture its abt wats makes pro is wrong wether here or there....

[Jolie]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

i** cant say it upon my hubby request cuz he said me if i wish join or talk anything here he doesnt want my country will be anounace here...

**anyway my point was else....search world to see how natures r beyond culture.... its not abt my culture or ur culture its abt wats makes pro is wrong wether here or there....

What? LOL

[paliz654654]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

dear its not laughing...
if my hubby doesnt like it i respect his idea...he may never check here but i mind his idea regard this as he has his own reasons...

[Jolie]

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Geez, I only asked about your country since you referred to it in every post of yours, I'm not asking about your home address. Are you/husband ashamed to name your country?

Sorry but that does sound quite wacky.