Living in a joint family in North America

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Girls......if you are having fights/arugements now.......its going to get worse later on...

so...
either

be prepared to sacrifice

Or

leave the guys who want to stick to their families.......its hard to change that in men.....

22

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

You girls are just thinking too much and its only gonna end up making you feel disappointed and vindictive perhaps. If you really love your partners, just take life as it comes, you simple don't what life has in stored for you. You girls (inshAllah) have a whole life to buy a house, decorate that house, wear causal clothes etc etc, don't get too demoralised by the idea of living with inlaws, sometime in future it could very well become just another chapter of your past life. Having far too many diffcult expectations and ambitions from your spouse just kills the spirit of companionship.

23

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

i want to use my like button for this post :) well said also adding too much financial burden on ur spouse just to fulfill ur dream of own house is selfish.

24

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

why u feel Love is to do for him? why not he does for u??? LOVE is i mind ur needs same as u mind mine...

also no one doesnt wish thoes things when she has 2 kids & enough more to think in life...each things has its own time in life...now u have energy now u wish for ur own decoration & choose after years u may dont have that taste anymore as needs changes in life....

also cus i dont know wats going on in life so may i accept all things now?

also expecting home from hubby isnt being selfish why u women forgot ur all rights even wat islam gave to u....in islam he has to provide home for living not A room....
also own home doesnt mean he buy & put ur name on it...it can be a rental home...
its all bcuz culture dont adopt men to be responsible for their wife they take their wife to live with their parents...wat if u say a guy come & live with my parents will he accept? even if he pays its rent that there will be no issue of breaking his proud will he come? then why u make girls feel guilty if they just want their own rights to live in their own home???

25

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Alright chill. I can't even make proper sense of your post. Good luck with finding a guy who puts a house on platter on day one. I personally wouldn't marry a girl who is so bloody full of herself that she can't even bother understand my situation or show some patience. If cars, houses or fancy clothes is all what she really wants, then maybe she would've looked for a bigger fish.

We all know what guys think of the girls who are always making materialistic demands despite knowing their situation. Relationships, marriage are not build on demands!

If there's so much ego talks and moaning before marriage, imagine what would happen later? Marriage ain't no bed of roses sweetie, you will have the ugly and the bad monents even if you're living a palace.

26

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

:khumar:

here it goes again…

27

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

don't talk abt islamic rights. islam puts no burden on anyone. it doesn't say buy her a home even if u can't it say give her privacy which could be her own room in same house or a portion within the house. also there's no concept of getting houses on mortgages in islam n getting debted. islam is against debts. since when has islam taught us to be so self centered? i can understand how every girl wants her own place but fighting for it, putting burden n stress on ur partner is no way. i don't see the OP willing to live in basement (walkout basements r very open n lightened) or even rent a place. its straight abt buying own place. i'm not a very big fan of living with in-laws but when u enter a family u hav to understand their shortcomings n probs too.

28

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

I don't think anyone in this thread is implying that they are materialistic and want their husband to hand a bunch of things on a platter. A husband doesn't need to buy a mansion for his wife, but I think husband at the very least has a responsibility to consider getting another place if that is what his wife would like. I would be a happy with a small apartment...I just want a place that is my own, even if it's right next door to my in-laws. I believe that a bit of distance does make the heart grow fonder. I just find it hard to see how a husband and wife can bond and grow when so many family members are constantly around.

I know that in my situation I am not at all against living with his family. It's just that I would like to consider other options first. A husband has the responsibility to make a happy home for his wife, whether or not it means living with the parents.

I was talking to a couple that had recently got married and they moved into the guy's basement. And alhumdulillah they were quite happy. But when I was asking the guy about how he felt his life was different after marriage, he didn't feel like it had changed much at all, except he had a wife living there too. Whereas when I asked his wife how she felt...it was really hard for her to move into a new home and have her life turned upside down. She wasn't complaining per se, but all I'm trying to say is that it's kinda unfair that girls turn their life upside down and guys are just chilling, because they get to have their wife in the bedroom and still get to eat their mommy's parathas for lunch. Guys fail to realize how difficult of a transition it is for girls to move in with their in-laws. A little patience and appreciation would be nice.

And for the record, my future hubby and I have not fought about this issue. We have discussed it many times and we have decided to leave it be until we get our baat paaki, at which point we'll discuss it with our parents and see what works out best for all of us. We will come to a group decision. He will not proclaim that I will move in with his family and THAT'S IT, nor will I proclaim that we MUST move out. It's called compromise

It's not fair that each time a girl expresses her doubts about joint families that one always jumps to the conclusion that she is selfish and materialistic.

In any case, the purpose of this thread was to consider joint families and how people have made them WORK, especially in the US/Canada where homes are not designed for multiple families to live in. That's all.

29

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

as far as i came to know u r a male ...

its not abt my post dont make sence for u...but same it doesnt make sence for me to live in a home whom other ppl lives....marriage mean new couple new ffamily not moving from ur family to other family...

as a girl i also have right to breath under my own choice not in a pre-planned life were i share my home with all...

if parents r old or god forbide ill so i may sacrifice my time for them...i Dont mind wether its my own parents or my hubby's parents...

i mean to say there is nothing like this in islam that u have to live with in-laws...wat if same girl described situation above ask hubby to come & live with her parents will he accept?????

if he says no all will say yes he had right no hubby lives with in-law but if a girl say i cant then u would say she is selfish & etc...

im saying lets change ur eyes...every girl has right to decide abt her home say as hubby....
in my country all boys provide seprate home...whether groom parents provide or he buy himself or he rent but all do cuz they know they will bring wife so new family-new home....
but u made urself use to rely on parents to live in one room for saving or any reason...

wat u say selfish means when a girl avoid living with in-laws if they need help or if husband is realy poor who cant afford....how ppl delay wedding to afford its money cant they delay or think to provide home?

30

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Actually, I did mention the option of living in a basement, as you can see below:

Originally Posted by Sahar02
"On that show “Sister Wives” on TLC, the design of the house is pretty interesting. Each wife has her own kitchen and living area. I wonder if there are architects that specialize in designing houses for multiple families. :hmmm:

You could definitely look for a property with a walk out basement and independent kitchen, as a start."

Me: Yeah that’s definitely a backup option - to get a house with a fully furnished basement with its own kitchen, living room, etc…but to me that is a temporary option. I wouldn’t like to live underground forever! I’d like to wake up and open my windows and see sunshine!!

Sure, I have some concerns about the basement option too, but I am most certainly open to it! And depending on where you live, there are some walkout basements that have light, but the majority I have seen have very little natural light.

And I am totally for renting. Something I failed to mention was that the reason I am talking about “straight buying my own place” is because my SO is completely against renting. He would either want us all to live in a big house together with the inlaws, or have us get our own house/condo. He sees no point in paying for a space that you do not own. So the whole thing of owning a house vs. renting is all him. There’s no need to jump to the conclusion that I’m being selfish or materialistic here, or making unreasonable demands.

31

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

as far as i came to know u r a male ...

its not abt my post dont make sence for u...but same it doesnt make sence for me to live in a home where other ppl lives....marriage mean new couple new ffamily not moving from ur family to other family...

as a girl i also have right to breath under my own choice not in a pre-planned life were i share my home with all...

if parents r old or God forbide ill, so ill sacrifice my time & all i can do for them inshallah...i Dont mind wether its my own parents or my hubby's parents...

i mean to say there is nothing like this in islam that u have to live with in-laws...wat if same girl described situation above ask hubby to come & live with her parents will he accept?????

if he says no all will say yes he had right no hubby lives with in-law but if a girl say i cant then u would say she is selfish & etc...

im saying lets change ur eyes...every girl has right to decide abt her home same as hubby....
in my country all boys provide seprate home...whether groom parents provide or he buy himself or he rent but all do cuz they know they will bring wife so new family-new home....
but u made urself use to rely on parents to live in one room for saving or any reason...

wat u say selfish means when a girl avoid living with in-laws if they need help or if husband is realy poor who cant afford....how ppl delay wedding to afford its money cant they delay or think to provide home?

32

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

i know a family here in canada, close friends. 3 brothers live in same house with their own families and widow mother. One brother who built the house n is the eldest has upper storey. 2nd one lives in basement with his wife n 4 kids. youngest one live on main floor(one room only with no attached bath but bath close by) with his wife n kids. mom lives on main floor. the bahu in basement cooks in her kitchen n do her own grocerries. 2 other bahus share kitchen n main floor living with guests. they r living like this for more than 8 yrs.

33

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

No I'm a female, I thought the name Jolie gave it away.

Yeah it funny to see girls like you going around moaning our culture this, our culture that how it favours man, yet put forward a culture where everything is handed to you on platter. If you are so desperate for own home, how about making contributions towards it? Like the couples do in the West. Seriously for such demanding girls, they deserve to have partners who ask them what are they gonna bring on the table if they have the nerve to make extraordinary demands from him. No disrespect intended, but for girls like yourself should really have sticker on their foreheads saying don't even bother proposing to us if you gonna make us share home your wretched parents. Its just not fair on the guys who commit to such girls only to find how troubled up they in the head.

34

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Jolie-Mabrook...........target locked......wait for feminazi counter-attack!

I salute ur courage....!

35

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Maybe from the pesudo feminist brigade, but I'm sure you know that feminism is not about recieving things from platter, in such cases their idea of self sufficiency is more applicable.

36

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

this feminism is also 'Desi' with all its inherent double standards n stuff like that...:D
Goodluck !

37

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

I think so far Jolie and mabrook have been the voice of reason. I understand why the OP opened the thread and she might have issues with the joint family system but you have to realize that your fiance has some financial burdens and some obligations towards both you and his parents. He can't and will never cut his parents off financially and he has every right to support his parents as well as you do. I don't know how whether its cultural or a religious thing but parents are always the responsibility of their sons and he is just trying to fulfill his responsibility.

My solution to your problem would be that if you guys are having issues in affording a seperate house then like Jolie suggested why don't you try getting a job and pitch in financially. Be a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem. That would get your what you want, i.e. a house, and make his life easier so that he can fulfill all his responsibilities in the best possible way. Of course, the other choice would be to not just dismiss the idea without even trying it and give living in a joint family system (whether basement or separate room) a fair chance. I personally have issues with some of the things that you have said i.e. if you can dress like a decent human being because your mom forced you to then why is it so hard to dress properly for your inlaws. Why subject them to a different set of rules just because they are his parents.

38

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Maybe I'm going off on a tangent here but I think our parents somewhat have a role in this

See, for the most part, us desi girls are told "U can do that after you're married." (be it going out at a certain time to a certain place or wearing a certain type of outfit or decorating home a certain way etc).

As a result, girls start to get this idea in their head that marriage = freedom from parents.

After a while, those expectations, that having your own home means freedom to do things the way you want, start to stick.

39

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Sara I get what you are saying but what is the poor guy's fault in all this. I think you should dress up like a human being regardless. What happens in case someone drops by unannounced. You ask them to wait till you put proper clotehs on ?

40

Re: Living in a joint family in North America

Its "HER" house, "HER" body, "HER" choice.......