The guy I am planning on getting married to in a few years wants to live in a joint family system (he is eldest son, etc). On the other hand, I always wanted to live alone with my hubby because I really want my OWN space. I’d like to decorate and run my house the way I’d like to. Even at home now I often fight with my mother because I like to do things my own way. So I’m hesitant to move into a house with a new mom and have the same old thing. (Although I know my MIL-to-be and I get along very well). But I’m very possessive and I wouldn’t want to share my kitchen with someone else (obsessive, I know).
I guess the compromise would be to get a big enough house where everyone can live and not step on each other’s toes. I know that in many cases in Pakistan, even when you live in a joint family, at least there are multiple portions of the house to live in. So a husband and wife would have their own portion of the house complete with their own living/dining area, kitchen etc. Which is great because then you are still living together but then you have your own personal space to be free in.
But with houses in North American, it’s definitely harder to do so. I don’t want to be relegated to the basement - I want natural light! I would feel awkward being intimate with my husband with his parents/siblings sleeping in the rooms next door. Also when it comes to clothing, I’ve always wanted my own home so that I can dress as casually as I would like to, without having to worry so much about being covered all the time. At home my mother is very strict about how I dress at home with my father and brother there. And I cover myself properly when I go outside too. So the thought of sharing a home with my in-laws and having to be proper in shalwar kameez and dupatta all the time would drive me crazy!!
Do you live in a joint family in North America? How do you make it work? Advice would be greatly appreciated!
OMG!! I am having the sameeee issueeee...
except my fiance is the youngest and he is a mommy's boy and doesnt wnana leave his mom.
I want to live in a joint system cuz of teh support.. but my MIl is already getting on my case about other stuff.. like wearing nailpolish or bindia or dressing up... etc. so now I really do not wnat to stay with her. Plus, my mom always keeps saying tht I will not be able to survive with my MIL cuz she is soooo conservative. I also always wanted to dress casually and have my own space.. and decorate the way I wnat to.. In my fiance's family, all the decissions are made by his parents and I like to make my own decissions.
We had an argument about it (me and my fiance) and he agreed to get me my own place only after he can afford to pay both mortgages... which is easy because he makes pretty good money. Recently, the payment of mortgage has turned into instead paying $3000 monthly... even then I was fine... and said we would obviously split the bills and be able to afford everything... and Now, he is saying he will give me $500 to run our house and give w.e else he makes to his parents since I am the one who doesnt want to stay with his family. He said "I am leaving my family for u" during an argument and I got very upset and said "I am leaving mine too". So he said "cuz ur a girl"... i just hateeee when ppl are sexist. :(
But things are fine right now.. we agreed on getting our own place very close to his parents' place and splitting the bills depending on who makes how much.. and if I am going to school or have kids then he will pay all the bills :) Inshallah everything will be ok.
Just make sure u guys decide all of this ahead of time.. because u both do not want to be disappointed later... Also, u guys could get a place right next to his parents and create a door way between the two houses... that is what an indian family in my neighborhood did..
Another family I know... They all stay in appartments next to each other...
OMG!! I am having the sameeee issueeee...
except my fiance is the youngest and he is a mommy's boy and doesnt wnana leave his mom.
I want to live in a joint system cuz of teh support.. but my MIl is already getting on my case about other stuff.. like wearing nailpolish or bindia or dressing up... etc. so now I really do not wnat to stay with her. Plus, my mom always keeps saying tht I will not be able to survive with my MIL cuz she is soooo conservative. I also always wanted to dress casually and have my own space.. and decorate the way I wnat to.. In my fiance's family, all the decissions are made by his parents and I like to make my own decissions.
We had an argument about it (me and my fiance) and he agreed to get me my own place only after he can afford to pay both mortgages... which is easy because he makes pretty good money. Recently, the payment of mortgage has turned into instead paying $3000 monthly... even then I was fine... and said we would obviously split the bills and be able to afford everything... and Now, he is saying he will give me $500 to run our house and give w.e else he makes to his parents since I am the one who doesnt want to stay with his family. He said "I am leaving my family for u" during an argument and I got very upset and said "I am leaving mine too". So he said "cuz ur a girl"... i just hateeee when ppl are sexist. :(
But things are fine right now.. we agreed on getting our own place very close to his parents' place and splitting the bills depending on who makes how much.. and if I am going to school or have kids then he will pay all the bills :) Inshallah everything will be ok.
Just make sure u guys decide all of this ahead of time.. because u both do not want to be disappointed later... Also, u guys could get a place right next to his parents and create a door way between the two houses... that is what an indian family in my neighborhood did..
Another family I know... They all stay in appartments next to each other...
Yeahhh it sucks to be in this situation! And wow, paying two mortgages is tough! I have thought of that as an option but I thought it would be so difficult financially. I totally don't mind getting a place on a same street as his family, but yeah I wonder about how doable it would be to pay the two mortgages.
Ohhhh I just saw that you live in Houston. You're lucky, houses are sooo much more affordable there. I have family that lives there and they live in such a niceee house and it's not that expensive! I'm in Toronto and to get a decent house it's at LEAST 350,000...so two houses would be ridiculously expensive! Sighhh :(
It sucks! I'm not trying to be a complainer but my whole life I've had the expectation that I'd have a place of my own so this is difficult to wrap my head around.
Good luck mizsani! iA everything will work out great for you!
Yeahhh it sucks to be in this situation! And wow, paying two mortgages is tough! I have thought of that as an option but I thought it would be so difficult financially. I totally don't mind getting a place on a same street as his family, but yeah I wonder about how doable it would be to pay the two mortgages.
Ohhhh I just saw that you live in Houston. You're lucky, houses are sooo much more affordable there. I have family that lives there and they live in such a niceee house and it's not that expensive! I'm in Toronto and to get a decent house it's at LEAST 350,000...so two houses would be ridiculously expensive! Sighhh :(
It sucks! I'm not trying to be a complainer but my whole life I've had the expectation that I'd have a place of my own so this is difficult to wrap my head around.
Good luck mizsani! iA everything will work out great for you!
yaa.. before he kept saying tht we will get our own place when his parent's mortgage is paid off.. then i realized tht there is still 15 years left in tht.. lol I was being naive... soo just make sure u n ur fiance are on the same page...
c... his eldest brother lives with their parents.. so if i were to live with them also.. I would only have the smallest bedroom to myself and thts all!! I want my own bathroom and closet in my room ATLEAST!! Also, his middle brother doesnt live with his parents.. so I dont c y we have too. And y cant his oldest brother pay the mortgage.. thts beyond me too.... he keeps saying "my parents raised me so this is the least I can do"... I am like "I am leaving my whole life to start a life with u.. so supporting me is the least u could do for me too" and its not like I am not willing to split the bills and stuff.
ya houses are much cheaper here.. and mortgages for an average house(as far as I know) in a good area are around $1200-1500. So to me that is not tht bad.. especially because in the beginning, we would be living in an apartment. His other brother, his 2 married sisters, and his sister-inlaw's brother all live in the same apartment complex.. they get a good discount for having so many families there... they get 50% off and rent is only 600$ per month for them... so I am sure we can stay there and afford his parents' mortgage.
lol... I always thought I would have my own house too... never ever thought about living in a joint family.
And his parents dont know yet tht we will not live with them.. and when I ask him to tell them already (eventhough we will not be getting married for another year or so).. he says tht I will have to tell them and if he tells them, he is going to say it is my decission and not his, eventhough we made the decission together.
arghhh...
RaniPakistani,
You two are not on the same wavelength , you better look for someone who can relate to your passion of separate living space where you can maintain your freedom and privacy , otherwise you are in for an emotional roller coaster ride and we all will be hearing from you in life1 for a long time to come.
On that show “Sister Wives” on TLC, the design of the house is pretty interesting. Each wife has her own kitchen and living area. I wonder if there are architects that specialize in designing houses for multiple families.
You could definitely look for a property with a walk out basement and independent kitchen, as a start.
Yeah that’s definitely a backup option - to get a house with a fully furnished basement with its own kitchen, living room, etc…but to me that is a temporary option. I wouldn’t like to live underground forever! I’d like to wake up and open my windows and see sunshine!!
I think having two mortgages is a little impractical. I see there being 3 options:
Getting our own apartment close to his parents house and then continuing to provide some financial support.
Living in a basement apartment in the same house. It’s good because I get my own space and we’re still in the same home, but I wouldn’t want to live in a basement forever.
Stay in the upstairs portion, and have the master bedroom with our bathroom etc.
In the case of the last scenario, how do things work in the home? I always wonder who would do the cooking/cleaning etc. I know of a Pakistani couple that lives in the basement of the guy’s parents’ home, and they do their own thing except they go and eat all three meals upstairs. The girl loves it because then she doesn’t have to cook. On the other hand, I know of another joint family where the DIL does alllll the work. I wouldn’t want either scenario. I want to take responsibility in the home and I don’t want my MIL to do everything, but I don’t want to be cleaning up after his parents and siblings either.
The reason that I’m asking these questions is because I don’t have any close friends that live in this situation, so I can’t learn from their experiences as to how to make the joint family work. I’m not fully against living with his family, but I just can’t figure out how to find the balance of me getting my independence and living with his fam. Hmmmm I guess with that in mind the basement apartment is the best option…let’s see what happens..
^ Maybe you could establish a system where you take turns cooking? Mondays and Wednesdays MIL is in charge (and you can assist if you/she desire), and Tuesdays and Thursdays it's vice versa. Weekend is for dawats, so let others cook :D.
The guy I am planning on getting married to in a few years wants to live in a joint family system (he is eldest son, etc). On the other hand, I always wanted to live alone with my hubby because I really want my OWN space. I'd like to decorate and run my house the way I'd like to. Even at home now I often fight with my mother because I like to do things my own way. So I'm hesitant to move into a house with a new mom and have the same old thing. (Although I know my MIL-to-be and I get along very well). But I'm very possessive and I wouldn't want to share my kitchen with someone else (obsessive, I know).
I guess the compromise would be to get a big enough house where everyone can live and not step on each other's toes. I know that in many cases in Pakistan, even when you live in a joint family, at least there are multiple portions of the house to live in. So a husband and wife would have their own portion of the house complete with their own living/dining area, kitchen etc. Which is great because then you are still living together but then you have your own personal space to be free in.
But with houses in North American, it's definitely harder to do so. I don't want to be relegated to the basement - I want natural light! I would feel awkward being intimate with my husband with his parents/siblings sleeping in the rooms next door. Also when it comes to clothing, I've always wanted my own home so that I can dress as casually as I would like to, without having to worry so much about being covered all the time. At home my mother is very strict about how I dress at home with my father and brother there. And I cover myself properly when I go outside too. So the thought of sharing a home with my in-laws and having to be proper in shalwar kameez and dupatta all the time would drive me crazy!!
Do you live in a joint family in North America? How do you make it work? Advice would be greatly appreciated!
im just so wonder wats this culture of living with in-laws then being sad & have fight & misrepect ...its all bcuz u live in same place with in-laws.....
we have a proverb we say "more far-more freindship"
its realy true till when parents can live alone let thme their privacy as urs....same if i go alone then it will be hard first but ill get along...but when parents camt live dut to oldness then no matter in-laws or urs u should care abt their live
but in ur case u can live in apartment where in diffrent floor u will live
i like option 1 the best...
my inlaws dont have a basement soo #2 doesnt count..
and #3 either.. his older brother has the master bedroom.
Yeah that's definitely a backup option - to get a house with a fully furnished basement with its own kitchen, living room, etc...but to me that is a temporary option. I wouldn't like to live underground forever! I'd like to wake up and open my windows and see sunshine!!
I think having two mortgages is a little impractical. I see there being 3 options:
1) Getting our own apartment close to his parents house and then continuing to provide some financial support.
2) Living in a basement apartment in the same house. It's good because I get my own space and we're still in the same home, but I wouldn't want to live in a basement forever.
3) Stay in the upstairs portion, and have the master bedroom with our bathroom etc.
In the case of the last scenario, how do things work in the home? I always wonder who would do the cooking/cleaning etc. I know of a Pakistani couple that lives in the basement of the guy's parents' home, and they do their own thing except they go and eat all three meals upstairs. The girl loves it because then she doesn't have to cook. On the other hand, I know of another joint family where the DIL does alllll the work. I wouldn't want either scenario. I want to take responsibility in the home and I don't want my MIL to do everything, but I don't want to be cleaning up after his parents and siblings either.
The reason that I'm asking these questions is because I don't have any close friends that live in this situation, so I can't learn from their experiences as to how to make the joint family work. I'm not fully against living with his family, but I just can't figure out how to find the balance of me getting my independence and living with his fam. Hmmmm I guess with that in mind the basement apartment is the best option...let's see what happens..
I live in a joint family here in Sydney. I would totally agree, there isn't enough space to have your own portions. In my aunt's house each of the brothers have their own section but everyone uses the same kitchen.
Growing up there have been many advantages in a joint family but there also have been disadvantages like sharing kitchen, decoration of house etc.
I would recommend you make it clear to fionce now because later on there will be greater problems.
in advance for all the shizzlestorm you’re about to receive.